URGENT THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY'RE TALKING LOUD ON THEIR CELLPHONES WHILE THE PLANE IS BOARDING

"I had a tuna fish sandwich in the airport. Tuna fish. Tuna fish. TUNA
FISH. Yes, right, tuna fish. But they didn't toast the bread. No, no, they
didn't toast the... THEY DIDN'T TOAST THE BREAD. Right. They didn't toast
it."

Comments

[Suzy Q]

First!

[Brian]

Is Dave's book still for sale?

[angene15]

Hey Big Tuna!

What? Nobody else watches the Office?

[DavetheRed]

Only if you have toasted bread with your tuna fish

[Annie Where-but-here]

URGENT THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY'RE TALKING LOUD ON THEIR CELLPHONES WHILE THE PLANE IS BOARDING
"Dave Barry has a new book out. New book. NEW BOOK. Yes, right, new book. But it's not really about him. No, no, kinda like him but not... NOT REALLY ABOUT HIM. Right. Booger."

[Laya]

I once was forced to overhear a long description of a toddler's diarrhea attack...I can't imagine who that lady had on the other end of the call.

[chinohillster]

Put on your Department Of Homeland Security Cap, people...obviously, this is a coded message! ;-)

TUNA FISH = small, deadly Weapon Of Mass Destruction

TOAST = Detonate the Small, Deadly Weapon Of Mass Destruction

THE BREAD = Wait until my plane is airbone, however, because I'm carrying a lot of money...

[Baron VonKlyff]

Was that a Tuna fish sandwich *WITHOUT* toasted bread at the airport?

I am not sure that I quite believe that they would serve an untoasted bread sandwich of tuna at an airport. That must have been a complete shock to the toasted tuna sandwich loving world.

I know I would have called everyone on my cell phone speed dial list to inform them that there as a culinary black hole at that airport considering the fact that everyone knows that all tuna sandwiches should always come on toasted bread.

[Baron VonKlyff]

...especially at airports.

[Steve (The 24 guy)]

Annie: Ha! That was great. :-)

[Siouxie]

Annie, REALLY????????????????

[Somewhere North]

"So then, Derrik, he like said to me, you are so phat, and I was like all oh my god!! Its like UNBELIEVABLE! So anyway, my mom was all, you can't wear that and I just was like all, chill, its no big deal and then.... Hold on. There's like this woman behind listening in, I can't believe it. Rude."

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I guess they got cut off before discussing what flavor chips they had with their sandwich.

[ShadowKatmandu]

You can tune a piano,
And now you can't tuna fish in an airport on toasted bread, no matter how often or how loud you say it.

Untoasted Tuna Fish Bread WBAGNFARB. Okay, maybe a weird name.

[random thunking]

Ya know, that sounds kind of like every phone conversation I have with my saintly mother. Except I say stuff like, "I just braided my armpit hair." "I'm Saving All My Belly-Button Lint In A Jar." "I'LL BE THERE THURSDAY. Yes, at about 3:30."

[Bumble]

Bumble the Movie Geek's quote for the day:

"I don't want him next to me! He smells like tuna fish!"

Name that film!

[Lairbo]

An actor friend of mine got a small film role in which he was a guy who walks past the main characters while saying something especially obnoxious on his cell phone. The director told him to just improvise but he had a hard time coming up with anything that much more annoying or ridiculous than what you hear every day. And, yes, I've completely forgotten what he finally said. The tuna line would have been great, though.

[vin 39]

bumble - dream team

[jon]

The Dream Team... 1980 something or other..

[Hammond Rye]

Another cell phone conversational topic (for planes and such): "No, I don't think I'm contagious anymore..."

[Juggler of Geese]

Fron Juggler of Geese the other Movie Geek.

The Dream Team.

[insomniac]

this is about chicken salad but close enough...

[Bobby wants plain toast, which isn't on the menu]
Bobby: I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
Waitress: A #2, chicken salad sand. Hold the butter, the lettuce, the mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee. Anything else?
Bobby: Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.
Waitress: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
Bobby: I want you to hold it between your knees.

[Lairbo]

[Warning: Geezer Alert]

Hey, "Hot Tuna" WBAGNFA... oh, wait...

[JR]

So ... was the bread toasted?

[Wahooligan]

So did they toast the bread or not? I'm not really clear on this.

[Annie Where-but-here]

A toast! To Dave's new book!

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

My favorite is when the Loud, Obnoxious Cellphone User is talking to their bank.

"My account number is 7681234. ... No. 7681234. ... Smith. ... SMITH. ... No. Her maiden name was SMITH, not Goldwater. ... Transfer $1000 to savings. ... To savings. ... TO SAVINGS. ..."

[OverlookstheRyman]

Insom - Five Easy Pieces, Jack Nicholson -- didn't he win his first Oscar for that?

[Meanie the Blue]

....eggs, bacon, sausage and spam. Spam, spam, spam, bacon, and spam.....

*Click*

[Kathybear]

First Oscar for Nicholson was One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, wasn't it?

[insomniac]

he was nominated for it, though....(George C. Scott, I learn, won best actor in 1970 for Patton, another guy who wouldn't take any c**p)

[Adora]

I watch 'The Office,' angene. I'd take my Big Tuna on whatever kind of bread they had. Heck, no bread would be fine. :)

[Bumble]

vin 39, jon & Juggler of Geese~ Very good. You all pass. And JoG gets double points b/c he likes Firefly. :-)

[Chaz]

Bumble...Bee....TUNA!!!!

I like starkist...Charley the Tuna

[mudstuffin]

untoasted bread
that' what i said
them other folks dread
bein' near my empty head
cause it reverberate
as i articulate
just what i ate
my flight is late
i had tuna fish
and it was delish
they had no hot dish
oh yeah, i wish
it was one a them THINGS
one a THEM things
just one a them THINGS
you know one a THEM things

[merkin4]

I heard a fantastic one here at work.

"HPV"
"H _PEE_ V"
"No, not HIV, HPV."
"Warts. Causes warts on your (silent)"
"I dunno. Freeze 'em off with that cold Dr. Shoals stuff, I guess."

[Jessica]

Is this chicken that I have, or is it fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says Chicken? By the sea. Is that stupid?

[ubetcha]

Warning - possible earworm . . .

"All around the country and coast to coast
People always say, 'What do you like most?'
I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna boast
so i just tell 'em I like toast.

YEAH TOAST!!"

[ron]

I once watched three teenage girls sittin at the same table talk on their cell phones through an entire restaurant meal.I got the distinct impression that they were talking to each other.

[pogo]

I always wondered why people felt the need to qualify "tuna" with "fish". It's redundant. Now if you had a tuna bird sandwich, the additional info would be important.

[Clean Hands]

Dammit, ubetcha.

"YEAH TOAST!!"

[mudstuffin]

pogo: I think those of us that populate Japanese Restaurants eat "tuna". Those that eat at Bob Evans or the lunch counter at Wal-Mart eat "tuna feesh".

[pogo]

You're probably onto something there, mud. On the other hand I'm a drive-thru kinda guy, and I know the difference.

[ron]

I plugged tuna into Google and came up with tuna duck,tuna bread,tuna pita, and even tuna TOAST.Tuna fish is allright with me.

[Steve (The 24 guy)]

Pogo,

They probably use that term because someone once made the serious mistake of not fully qualifying "catfish" sandwich.

[pogo]

So, ron, tuna duck is a duck stuffed with tuna. Tuna pita is a pita stiffed with tuna. And tuna fish would be?

[ron]

Or jellyfish.

[ron]

It's logical conclusion is a fish stuffed with tuna.

[Olo Baggins of Bywater]

Like a cow stuffed with beef.

I got it. Thanks for asking, pogo.

[mudstuffin]

I once stuffed my wife full of human.

[mudstuffin]

actually 3x

[pogo]

*carefully avoids comments concerning stuffing Mrs. Mud*

[ron]

I saw a cartoon once of Grandpa stuffing the turkey in quite a similar manner.

[Punkin Poo]

*hates it when she joins a thread already in the throws of silliness*

[Neil G]

Yeah, toast!

[Dux]

Reminds me of a conversation I heard between two guys awhile ago. "So you know Wales, right? Wales? It's like England but they have their own language and everything? So Wales, like, Welsh, Wales, right? You know Wales?" The other guy was just kind of nodding his head, and couldn't get a word in edgewise.
Unfortunately I was walking in the opposite direction and never found of what exactly Wales (you know, the country, Wales) had to do with anything, but the encounter amused me so much I went home and called my friend to report it.

[Neil G]

mudstuffin wrote:
I once stuffed my wife full of human.
There was a great tribute song to the old MTV vj Martha Quinn called "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin", by Skid Roper and Mojo Nixon.

[Edgar Greenberg]

Dave, I met that same person. Only it wasn't at the airport. But I do distinctly remember overhearing a conversation about tuna fish.

The worst cell phone conversations are when a woman accuses her husband of cheating. AND of course you get stuck sitting next to her on the train.

[Stev0]

But what kind of bread was it? Now I won't be able to sleep until this vital question is answered.

[Philintexas]

Such an opportunity missed Dave. Your subsequent cell conversation to be overheard by the untoasted tuna sandwich whiner could have been:

"I had a tuna fish sandwich in the airport. Tuna fish. Tuna fish. TUNA
FISH. Yes, right, tuna fish. Of course they toasted the bread. Yeah.. Yeah.. YEAH THEY TOASTED THE BREAD! Right. Think I'm the kind of wuss that'll settled for untoasted bread on a tuna fish sandwich?

[B. A. Pirate]

Pogo -- good point about the tuna bird.

My favorite Overheard Cell Phone Call ever took place in Target:

Lady: "So, yeah, he was like, 'Let's go camping!' ... Oh, of *course* I told him no way! I mean, like I'm sleeping naked in a tent with a guy on the first date!!"

I can only conclude that, on my way into the store, I was hit with some sort of powerful Target radiation which rendered me invisible to all other Target shoppers ... because I was standing _right next to her_ when she was blaring this information into her cell phone. As if I couldn't hear her. From where I was standing right next to her.

QUESTION FOR THE VOID: Why do people always feel a need to talk so much louder when they're on their cell phones? It's the year 2006. There is not so much interference that people still need to scream into their cell phones to be heard.

[Jacki]

The "new book" comments made me wonder how often Dave gets recognized in airports and on planes. And what strange things people must say to him, exluding us of course. We're allowed to say strange things to Dave.

[Jacki]

Here's that missing "c"! I've been looking everywhere for that darn letter.

[ubetcha]

For all you Heywood Banks fans, if you haven't heard Big Butter Jesus, this if for you. For anyone who might take offense at poking fun at the Lord, DON'T LOOK. I do not mean to offend. I just happen to get a huge kick out of it, and I'd love to see it some day.

This "statue" actually exists somewhere in Ohio, around Cincinnati I think and it's on a major highway and has caused many an accident and a TON of controversy.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ndlsVnV5zVA

Can't do the linky thing.

Again, not meant to offend. Ya gotta love Heywood Banks, is all.

[Siouxie]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ndlsVnV5zVA

ubetcha's link

[ubetcha]

Thanks Siouxie.

[ubetcha]

It's a humor blog, right? And if God doesn't have a sense of humor I don't know who does.

[Siouxie]

anytime, ubetcha!

I'm sure Jesus has a sense of humor ;-)

[ron]

I may have seen a preview of one of tomorrows' threads on fox news on line tonight.

[ubetcha]

Fedex getting it by text message? Now there was a marriage!

[Stevie W]

Lol to somewhere north 223, pogo 410, mud 447. My two cents.

[insomniac]

my son and a friend were on a crowded elevator where everyone but them were on cell phones. so they called each other ..."what are you doing" ,"i'm on a elevator" "me, too!" etc.

[Stevie W]

I was on an elevator moving a coat rack from one office to another. Since I was going up 18 floors, I took my coat off and hung it up during the ride, then put it back on when I reached my floor.

[2000 year old person]

What astounds me, is how did he know what Jesus looks like?! Amazing likeness!

[2000 year old person]

I mean, tuna is best without bread at all.

[ron]

Good one Steve.

[Chuck]

Reminds me of a really old Dave article from WAAAAY back

"Airline passengers are suffering from 'Blitherers disease'"

Here's a link to it that I was able to track down in the wilds of cyberspace

http://users.townsqr.com/dporter/airlines.html

sorry. forgot how to do the link thing.

[Layzeeboy]

Ummm...I like my tuna(fish) on non-toasted white bread. Is that so wrong??

To add to the confusion, I've found fellow travellers using a Bluetooth(TM thingy) earpiece. Not only are they babbling about the weather in Topeka, they appear to be talking to themselves.

I work in organ transplantation and have never felt the urgency to have an "important" conversation like the feather/plastic salesmen I run into. Thank God my job's not that important.

Ignorant twits.

[Mr. Completely]

I got stuck on an escalator for an hour once... does that count?

[Eleanor]

Mr. Completely! How ya been?

How's Mrs. The Point? Still rockin'? :)

[danceswithvowels]

Years ago we had the Toast Paradox.

BTW, to make a link use <a href="http://whatever">the text to display</a> (and check it with the Preview button to avoid making a fool of yerself).

Last!

[cyn]

Not!

MR. C!
Good to see ya!

[danceswithvowels]

Yuh huh!

[cyn]

yuh uh!

♪lalala

[danceswithvowels]

Meh.

[AlanBoss]

Hey everyone! I was in Borders Books tonight, and guess what! Dave's got a new book out!

I don't know why he doesn't tell anyone about this.

Hey Mud. You wouldn't be from somewhere like Northwest Ohio would you? My mother-in-law eats her "feesh" on a "deesh."

[Stevie W]

Hey, I was at Borders too!

I got the new Henry Winkler/Matt Zipser tome.

[Baron VonKlyff]

In tribute to this thread, last night I made my own tuna fish sandwiches. Of course, though... the bread was TOASTED!!!!!.

'nuff said.

[mudstuffin]

Alanboss: No, northeast Ohio. I was born and raised in Cleveland, went to High School in Akron and currently reside in Columbus and I know that your mom also worshes her deeshes.

[artchick]

People talk louder on their cell phones because everyone knows that the body takes dead brain cells and recycles them into voice box cells. Being an old fashioned girl, I really don't like cell phones, but they frown on my using smoke signals at the airport.

[Christobol]

Is this a sandwich which I see before me,
The bread soft in my hand? Come, let me toast thee.
They toast thee not, and yet I eat thee still?
Art thou not, tuna sandwich, sensible
To whims of appetite? or art thou but
A snack meal of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the travel-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I discuss.
Thou marshall'st me the way that I was going;
And such an instrument I was to eat.
Mine taste is made the fools o' the other senses,
If you I would ingest; I see thee still,
And on thy bread and lettuce gouts of mayo,
Which was not so before. There's no such thing:
It is the transfat warning which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Traveling o'er the one halfworld
The chips are stale too, and bumpy flights abuse
The curtain'd sleep; witchcraft celebrates
Pale Hecate's offerings, and snoring seatmate,
Leaning into mine space, unable to blink,
He drools as I watch, his pale unhealthy face.
And yet I'm ravished inside, because my tuna
Was not on toast. Thou dumb and cheerful attendant,
Hear not my steps, which way they walk, for fear
Thy rules oppose my ill planned deed,
I'll fix the present horror in the loo,
Which now opens before me. With my bic, well lit
Tuna feel the heat of fire to cold bread...Sh!t.

A bell rings

I go, but it is done; the bell betrays me.
Hear it not, Air Marshall; or just as well
For eating untoasted tuna is my hell.

[casey]

I think people talk loud on cell phones because they cannot hear.

[Edgar Greenberg]

Last!

[Booya]

If these people didn't have their cell phones and talked like that we'd think they were crazy street people.

Maybe they're just preparing for their future careers.

[casey]

Truly beautiful, Cbol. Brought a tear to my eye.

[Mr. Completely]

*stares in humble awe at C'bol...*

Wow, dude. Damn.

[casey]

Back to my comment about not being able to hear (I was interrupted by work-can you believe that crap?)... Am I the only person that talks louder to people that speak a language other than English or talks louder when I cannot hear the person I talking to? I know that is idiotic, but I cant help it. Like if I scream at a Spanish speaking person, they will understand me.

[wickedwitch]

cbol, your talents are being wasted here. go forth, be fruitful and publish. bet dave will give you his agents name.

[Edgar Greenberg]

Cbol now write it all over again, and this time include "The dog ate my mother's toes." It's not a real poem without those words.

[Christobol]

Casey - your question reminds me of a co-worker of my sister, when she worked at a Wendy's in high school. He could not communicate with a spanish-speaking customer, and ended up (as they teach you in sensitivity training) jumping up on the counter to point at the pictures mounted above and shouting "DO YOU WANT UN HAMBURGER?"