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November 08, 2006

BRITISH STORE EXECUTIVES: ON CRACK?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Chris Lourens)

CANADIAN BUSINESS UPDATE

We're in the wrong country.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

CLASSIFIED

Who will admit being perfect for the job?

(Thanks to Valerie)

THIS JUST IN FROM BARBADOS

Stay the hell out of Barbados.

(Thanks to KC Steve, via his comment in the post below about my book, which by the way is still for sale)

DAILY STRUMPET

My book is still for sale.

PRONGHORN NEWS

Pronghorn Warning for the dating woman: If an ornament gives a male a mating advantage, then evolution would rapidly move to the point where all males, regardless of genetic quality, have high-quality ornaments.

Also, Vigorous Pronghorn WBAGNFARB

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

THE FUTURE

It's in the hands of our young people.

(Thanks to ubetcha)

REPORT FROM THE FIELD

Rob Yelvington writes:

Wish I'd had my camera with me this morning. I stopped at the grocery store this morning., and on the back window of a van parked in the lot:

"MY DOG IS SMARTER THEN (sic) YOUR HONOR STUDENT"

Which makes it WAY smarter than the driver.

THERE IS NOTHING AMUSING ABOUT THIS, OK?

(Thanks to Raynebow)

SHE'S BAAAAAACKKK!

The Imelda Marcos collection.

THAT'S A LOAD OFF THIS BLOG'S MIND

WE'RE PRETTY SURE THIS WAS THE NAME OF A BAND IN THE SIXTIES

Swirling Plastic Vortex

WHY WE LOVE THE ONION

This about sums it up.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT A PRIUS

You want this.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

TERRORISM UPDATE

England backs down.

LEGAL EXCUSE OF THE DAY SO FAR

COMPLETE ELECTION WRAPUP AND ANALYSIS

It's over, thank God. Things were getting weird.

November 07, 2006

ANOTHER TREASURED MYTH DEBUNKED

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS

(Thanks to DavetheRed)

BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEETIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN

Is there nothing left to believe in?

LAW-ENFORCEMENT HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

UPDATE FROM THE FIELD

Apparently there is some kind of election today. We will try to provide details as they become available. Right now the only thing we know for certain is that the government of New York is buying mattresses for cows.

STRUMPDATE

And check your local listings for radio strumpeting.

November 06, 2006

24

I apologize for the light posting from me, but I have spent the day going around New York City strumpeting for my book, which by the way is for sale. in case you want to buy it. But right now we turn our attention to 24, the action-packed weekly TV show that we have been following here every Monday night for months now, despite the fact that during that time it has not not, technically, been on TV. But we follow it anyway; that is how action-packed it is. Most of the action has been provided by the Amazing Steve, who each week has been writing a detailed summary of the plot action taking place somewhere in a remote lobe of his brain. Steve has informed us that he has now written 24 episodes -- you can find them here -- and therefore he plans to go on hiatus until the actual TV show starts up again. Let's all give Steve a big hand for his efforts.

I don't know what we're going to do on Monday nights, without Steve. Maybe read a book.

UPDATE: Hmmmm. The comments seem to be broken. I will see what I can do about this.

UPDATE: The comments seem to be fixed. I have no idea why am glad I took quick action.

NEW YORK CITY DRIVER'S TEST

1. Your car is stopped for some reason. It makes no difference what the specific reason is; the point is, your car is not moving. You should:
a. Honk your horn.
b. Give your horn a good honking.
c. Sound your horn, to alert everyone within a radius of several blocks that you are displeased with the situation.

WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS

This, on the other hand....

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE DAY

The Runner-Up

and

The Champion

(Thanks to leemedia and Schadeboy, respectively)

ATTENTION VOTERS

Are you sure it's worth the risk?

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

WHEN YOU'RE SITTING AROUND THE OLD CELL BLOCK ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, AND SOMEONE ASKS WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR

How embarrassing would it be to have to say Ear Stapling?

(Thanks to Alison Hayes)

WHAT DAD WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

Probably not this.

(Thanks to Bill in WV)

PET PEEVE

When people send email that requires a response, especially something work-related, why don't they make it possible to respond without going through the whole spam-filter click-this-link-and-give-us-your-name thing? Put the email address in your list of accepted email addresses, for Pete's sake. 

Signed --

Curmudgeons, Inc.

TODAY

WE'VE KNOWN PEOPLE LIKE THIS

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

November 05, 2006

HORN-TOOTING FOR NEW BOOK

I have a new book coming out tomorrow, called The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog. It's a short story, set on Christmas Eve, 1960. It's about a Christmas pageant at an Episcopal church in a small town in New York. Things do not go exactly as planned: There's a Manger War as well as a number of unexpected developments, one of which involves approximately two tons of frozen bat poop. Also of course there's a dog. Two dogs, in fact. It's a two-dog book. It's actually kind of a heartwarming story, if such a thing can be said of a book that has bat poop as a key plot element.

The story is told from the perspective of an eighth-grade boy who's in the pageant. This is basically me. I grew up in Armonk, N.Y., where I attended St. Stephen's Episcopal Church and was in the pageant every year. By way of proof, below is a program of the St. Stephen's Christmas pageant from 1960. I'm listed in the cast as Lead Shepherd.

Anyway, if you're looking for a Christmas book, this is definitely one of them.

Christmaspageantfront

Christmaspageantinside

November 04, 2006

UPDATE FROM EPCOT

Coming to Epcot reminds us that, no matter what their differences, all the
nations of the world have one thing in common, and that thing is: gift
shops.

URGENT BREAKING UPDATE FROM A SLOW BOAT RIDE DEEP INSIDE EPCOT

In the future, they hope to grow squash in space.

November 03, 2006

CHRISTMAS IS COMING, AND WE KNOW WHAT DAD WANTS!

He wants this. Plus a chainsaw.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

A practical use for space technology.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

JUST A THOUGHT

If you're sending something to someone in the mail, it's a good idea not to cover the entire package in several layers of sturdy packing tape. Especially if you want the contents of the package to be recognizable once it's open.

p.s. Does anybody have a machete?

MORE-THAN-WE-WANTED-TO-KNOW NEWS ITEM AND HEADLINE OF AT LEAST THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Brian Smith)

BOOK-STRUMPETING UPDATE

Ridley and I are in the Walt Disney Kingdom World of Magical Imagination Theme Park Compound and Gift Shop today; we will be appearing from 5 to 8 p.m. at the Contemporary Resort. Also on hand will be Greg Call, the terrific artist who illustrated our books. We have been told that there might also be imaginary characters. We don't know if that means Dick Cheney, or what. Anyway, if you're around, come on out and say hi. If we don't sell enough books, we have to wear the Goofy suit.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: Cow Dung Swindle

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they are trying to take away our basic constitutional right to display toilets as art.

MEANWHILE IN WISCONSIN

The Snake-Parts Mystery deepens.

And in other snake developments: Exciting news for the residents of Spanish Fork.

Key Quote That Was Probably Meant To Be Reassuring: "We don't have the big snakes, like what you see in the movie, or on airplanes like they've made fun of lately."

November 02, 2006

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

WHY WE LOVE THE GLOBAL ECONOMY

Rent-a-Pilgrim

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

AS SOMEBODY ONCE SAID

There is a fine line between a hobby and a mental illness.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Now they are going after the very heart of the federal government.

(Thanks to everyone)

November 01, 2006

WHILE THE BLOG'S AWAY...

We'd better get busy looking at semi-naked men ordering our calendars. You never can tell when you'll need one. Get "your's" now!

 
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