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November 14, 2006

ADVISORY TO AIRLINE TRAVELERS

As you know, the rules governing what you can and cannot take on an airplane are changed roughly every two hours, in order to make everybody crazy thwart terrorism. Currently the most important rule is this: YOU HAVE TO HAVE A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this. If you do not have a ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP, you cannot take your toothpaste onto the airplane. Don't ask why! It has to do with terrorism, OK?!? Just make damn sure you have a ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP. That is all for now.

Update: Also, my book is still for sale.

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Ummmm... think The Blog could use a gumball......

mint and fluoride added please

first in line

*is glad she doesn't fly*

chaz, first in line for what, gumballs? ;)

Eventually we're all just going to be naked, carrying nothing, on the plane.

And believe me, that WON'T be a good thing.

So, just let me make sure I understand this.

I HAVE TO HAVE A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP to board an airplane?

This just makes my flying phobia worse and worse! ;-)

And Dave, I think you need to take a stress pill and discuss this all calmly, Dave. Otherwise the airport officials might not open the pod bay doors -- er, door to the airplane, Dave.

Gee Dave, I was wondering when you'd finally tell us about that book of yours!

What if you have '2' half-quart plastic baggies with zip-lock tops??

Bought the book last week - very enjoyable! Thanks!

What about baggies with a twisty tie, or the fold-over sandwich bags? Can I take my tiny bottle of shampoo in those too? Enquiring minds want to know...

OH, and Dave, about that book.... Is it the sort of book that would cheer up someone who's just lost their dog? My friends' dogs suddenly seem to be keeling over at an alarming rate.

Terrorists, probably.

Can I just throw my toothpaste in the baggie with my quarter of pot? I promise not to use the pot or the toothpaste for any kind of terroristic acts....

Do the Zip-Loc ™ folks get any royalties from the TSA for these commercial announcements? Or are there other TSA agents who, standing on opposite sides of the probing portal, shout alternately, "Wimpy! Wimpy! Wimpy!" .. "Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!" ?

Oh happy happy joy joy! The book (everyone remembers that Dave wrote some sort of Christmas book, right? And that, amazingly, it's still for sale?)

Well, I'm sure you'll all be thrilled to know that your resident American in Paris can order it through Amazon.fr!

I believe you may carry anything onto the plane -- drugs, guns, etc. -- as long as these items are in A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP.

He ain't kidding about the QUART SIZE or the ZIPLOCK. A friend of mine flew out of Florida without her toiletries because she made the terroristic decision to use a Gallon Size Aiplock...

....quickly buying more stock in ONE-QUART BAGGIES with ZIP-LOCK TOP. Plan to be a millionare by Friday!

The hardest part is when you're done flying, getting all the toothpaste out of the baggie and back into that tube.

That would be Ziplock, not Aiplock...

*can see it now*

1 QT C-P Baggie stocks rise due to middle east demand.

Actually, AWBH, the hardest part is SEPARATING the toothpaste, shampoo, drugs, guns and explosives, THEN putting them back into their respective containers.

I wonder if that vibrating soap will fit...

Cap'n BB - I dunno. I can think of more than a few Aips that need to be locked.

Are you allowed to leave the toothpaste in the tube, or do you have to squeeze it into the bag?

souxie-

it will now! ;-)

Siouxie - Airport security will confiscate vibe soap, then hit on you. Don't ask me how I know this.

*tosses up a handful of "i"s she's been missing in sIouxie's name*

Bucket - careful - you'll put an i out.

sooooooo...IF, someone decided to kill off eliminate dispose of divorce their significant other... as long as the pieces fit she carries several 1 qt. clear-plastic baggies with zip-lock tops...she's OK to travel???

AmerinParis,
Can the dog fit in a qt. size zip-lock baggie?

Security Guard: "Ma'am, would you please step over here?"
Me: "Why?"
SG: "Because we can confiscate, irritate, and humiliate passengers as much as we wa... Hey! What're you doin' with that ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP?"
Me: "Takin' care of your stinkin' attitude and locking it up."
*SG gets a milder, more placid look on his face. He greets a passenger who is struggling with her impatient toddler."
SG: "Here, Ma'am. Allow me to help a delicate flower such as yourself."
Me: "My work here is done." *turning towards camera* "Remember to use Aiplock for all your Ape-ish needs." *other passengers applaud wildly*

What? Hey, it could happen ...

Esther,
If squeezed into the bag, you can use it like a pastry bag by just slightly cutting off one corner, when you need to brush your teeth.

i'm thinking they're to be used as floatation devices in the event of a water landing. airline budget cuts you know. might want to start stocking up on your own emergency oxygen supply too.

Excellent Heloise -- guess you watch those FoodTV cooking shows like I do!

Well, thanks for that update NOW. I just flew to and from Cozumel for the weekend, woulda been nice to know that stuff, oh, say, Thursday night. I actually had NO gels, etc, in my carry-on, and STILL got called for bag search. When they found nothing, shouldn't I be allowed to at least kick the x-ray operator in the nuts? I mean, really.

bali, as long as his nuts fit into a 1 QT, C-P Baggie with a zip-lock top...

*snork* @ baligurl

OR, actually I never do. Mom taught me that one years ago.

*calls broker to buy Johnson stock*

Luckily, I just kept moving, so I could continue on to Mexico. If I get busted, I'll do it in Hawaii, where Dog can bail me out. I always carry quart and gallon-sized ziploc bags, just cause they keep things dry at the beach. I cleaned UP at the airport in Dallas!

So, you were selling your baggies to the other folks at the airpot, baligurl?

Er, "airport..."

So this book of Dave's that I keep asking for details about will now be shipped in a ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP?

*attempts to shove Dave's new book into ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP for upcoming trip*

I'm going to need a bigger baggie

Some friends and I will be driving to Florida for Spring Break. Most of the researchers head out, so it isn't a big deal unless some of the really odd stuff is being tested.

When we borrow the university vehicle, will we have to keep our rat food in A ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP ? Every time we try to go to the store, a lot of people seem to overreact.

Thanks for clearing that up Dave. I was going to put everything in a gallon bag, but now I will go find 4 -1 quart bags. If I am flying to Europe do I have to get 1 liter bags? Where can I find metric ziploc baggies?

Oh and I blame global warming

Well, CH, I was garnering good will for free beers in Mexico. Worked out nicely.

*heads down to the airport to sell Ziploc bags for $5 each. Vive la democracie!

YEAAA, I finally received my shipment from Amazon (btw, whining doesn't seem to help).

And Sly, I'm pretty sure I could indeed fit a book by a certain author who is shy about telling anyone that he wrote a book into a ONE-QUART, CLEAR PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP. 'Tis a small volume, though I'm sure it is chock-full of heartwarming moments.

And boogers.

Forgot a comma up there (or just bad sentence structure)....I would be trying to put the BOOK, not the author, into the baggie.

How about if you put your toothpaste in a 1 gallon baggie and then put it in a 1 quart baggie? Does the TSA goomer explode? Can we find out?

Ham, I nominate the next bloglit flying to test that theory!

*snork* @ Hammond...

I am flying Schmelta from Boston through Atlanta to Orlando on the 30th. I would test the theory but we have mailed our toiletries down already to be waiting for us at my parents place. I may carry a few ziplock bags with me just to confuse them though.

Oh.

The BOOK goes into the baggie, not the author.

*blink*

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

All your non-standard CLEAR PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP are belong to us.

*nobody had said it yet*

I just sent Siouxie a care package for the weekend events which I cannot attend.

Also, I have enclosed a little present for Dave in a CLEAR PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK™ TOP. I am soooo stinking jealous that I will not be there.

*Hopes attendees will bring crap cams*

I still have my copy of the Blog's book on order. I did get my copy of The Tuesday Erotica Club (not by Dave, however) already. Not sure why the Blog is on the slow boat list with Ingram (I ordered both books through the account of the library I work at).

So, I understand the blog has a book? This is all news to me. :)

Actually can't wait to get to a bookstore and buy it. (No cc's so no amazon)

The Tuesday Erotica Club came before Dave?

He's such a gentleman, that Dave.

Cheryl,

I got your email and will let you know when the package arrives! Don't worry - I will be taking my crap cam and take plenty of crap photos for your enjoyment!

CJ and EC will be joining me as well. IF there is any other bloglit from Miami that plans on going, let me know!

BTW, Cheryl??? did you know that Dave has written a new book?? he's been a bit shy about it but I did hear it through the grapevine...

*wonders when he'll let everyone else know about it*

*snork* @ slyeyes

Siouxie, CJ & EC--I do hope you all have the best time ever! We'll want to know all the details.
*does Joan Rivers Who-are-you-wearing? impression*

*reminds Siouxie that she's not supposed to wear the actual designer. Or heels.*


Souixe, really? What is his book about? The joys of flying with a ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK ™ TOP? Or his intent to run for president in 2008? Why is it we never hear about things like this here on the blog?

Cheryl, I couldn't wear/afford Manolo Blahniks...let alone heels!

*stil hoping to land a sugar daddy*

I'll be be wearing "Old Navy" or...Le Olde Navey

About this secretive book...I believe it's got something to do with a young boy during a Christmas pageant...possibly keeping some bat poop in a ONE QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP.

"ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP" should be your next book title. :)

Nobody has asked yet "What's clear and comes in quarts?"

Slackers.

To estrogen centrale about the possibility of dead dog fitting into officially approved airline baggie:

Probably, but only after creamation.

And Mad Scientist,

You can get those metric baggies in Europe. ;-)
But just to be sure, I'll check my baggies this evening and see what sizes they make them in.

I think the UK is the only other country besides the US with a baggie fixation -- and they resent EU metric requirements, so I suspect you'll be OK.

I meant cremation -- athough creamation migh work if one has the extra-extra large Bassomatic.

Can I put the screaming child in row 32 in the Ziploc(R) 1 quart bag? No? Darn.

It was a better world when we had death by chocolate instead of having to worry about death by toiletries.

Wow...did you hear Dave has a new book out?

Juggler of Geese,
If you are flying Shmelta, you may as well walk to your destination. I have never actually taken off on time on a Shmelta flight, and after the 8 HOUR delay from DFW to Akron Canton, I will NEVER buy a ticket from them again!

all of my ONE-QUART, CLEAR-PLASTIC BAGGIE WITH A ZIP-LOCK TOP are the freezer-bag type, is that OK?

What I can't understand is why no one, including TSA, is selling these things for 50 cents a piece at the security checkpoints. They could make-up the entire budget in a week.

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