ADVISORY

Blogging from me will be light this morning because I have to go to the eye doctor so he can ask me the same question -- "Is it better this way... or this way?" -- 4,500 times when he knows full well that THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO WAYS. Then he will put drops into my eyes to make sure that I cannot identify any object smaller than the Lincoln Memorial. Then he will send me out into Miami traffic.So I may never blog again. HOWEVER I want to remind everybody that if I survive, I will be strumpeting for my Christmas book (which by the way is for sale) tonight.

Comments

[crossgirl]

that's amazing, we go to the same eye doctor!

[crossgirl]

is strumpeting actually allowed in a church?

[ubetcha]

Thanks to Siouxie, I got my copy in the mail yesterday signed by The Blog Himself. Be still my heaving bazoom!

Good luck at the eye doctor, Dave. I think you should goof on him -- like make him dial way up and stuff.

[crossgirl]

maybe he'll give you a real cool eye patch!

[Jeff Meyerson]

"How many fingers am I holding up, Mr. Barry? "Seven? Close enough. You're as fit to drive in Miami traffic as anyone else."

[Jeff Meyerson]

Whoops, delete the extra " in the previous post.

[estrogen centrale]

Dave, ask him to show you the 2 ways again several times during the session.

I don't care if you have to take a freakin' taxi to get to the signing. My poor little book's title page is naked without your signature...

[Wyo Cowboy]

at the risk of being sued for practicing without a license, I can save you money, just go here.

[Siouxie]

Dave,

Will you be able to see the books you'll be signing??? just wonderin'

pssst...just do what I do and lie about it. #5 is DEFINITELY BETTER!!

*will be there today for more books*

[Siouxie]

ec, I guess I will see you tonight then!

[Layzeeboy]

Dave, when he has you looking through that hi-tech Viewmaster (TM thingy), keep telling him that they both look the same. Makes them INSANE.

[estrogen centrale]

Hi Siouxie!
You guessed that, huh?
I'll try to get out of here on time, but I have a deadline today. See you in church!

[Suzy Q]

Dave, didn't you just go to the eye doctor, like, two months ago? Or are you going senile and you just don't remember?

[Siouxie]

um...sure..church, ec!

Please let us pray...that Dave makes it to the church on time.

[Wyo Cowboy]

Suzy, maybe you're on to something. My grandpa used to say he was, "goin' to the dentist." and then he'd wink at me.

He'd usually come home from the dentist at about 1 AM.

[The Dread Pirate Scrooge]

My favorite is the yellow stuff the Eye-Guy™ puts in. It drains down into your nose and makes your boogers fluorescent for a while.

Does anyone know any authors who might be able to work fluorescent boogers (AGNFARB) into a charming holiday tale? Possibly also including a walrus pen¡s bone?

[Writer's Cramp]

Try pretending you're a pirate during the exam.

This way? Arrgh... Or this Way? Arrgh... What if I do this? Arrrgh! Now remove your hook from my esophagus. Arrgh...

[fivver]

My favorite is the gizmo that blasts your eye with a high pressure stream of air. Faking a coronary after that is a real hoot!

[Layzeeboy]

If he pretends he's a pirate won't the eye patch get in the way of the plastic one you have to hold in front of one eye? Just askin'.

[Siouxie]

fivver, I hate that part too. The first eye ain't so bad since it's been a while but that second eye -the anticipation is nervewrecking!

and those EYEGLASSES they give you...SO not cool!

[blurk]

Speakin' of eyesight...

Jon and Jennie are getting ready for bed. Jennie is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Jon," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket! She turns to face Jon and says, "Jon, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Jon studies Jennie critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." He never heard the shot....

Mornin' everyone.

[crossgirl]

would that be in front of one aye?

[Siouxie]

LOL blurk and good simul morning to you too!

[Wyo Cowboy]

Sioux, check yer email.

Do you guys have an eye doctor right there in your town? That would be so cool! Ours is some way away, and I don't think I can see well enough anymore to make such a trip.

[crossgirl]

they may have an eye dr in town but his equipment needs updating. my doctor hasn't done the glaucoma test by puff in a long, long time. thank goodness.

[Siouxie]

Got it, Wyo now you check yers!

Mr. blurk?? I am in need of an answer to a previous email?? hmm??

(these cowboys are a bit slowwwwwwwww sometimes)

[blurk]

Sorry, Siouxie. I'm typing the email as you read this.

[Wyo Cowboy]

Of course we're slow, it's only 11 degrees out here.

Ever seen Mole's asses in winter?

[Clean Hands]

Good morning to y'all! Fresh snow on the ground here, and dozens of accidents. Fortunately, I live some kind of charmed commuting existence (and I'm a careful, Alaska-trained winter driver), so had not troubles.

[Siouxie]

blurk, got it! thanks!

Wyo and blurk, did I tell you it's a cool 81 degrees down here in Miami??

[blurk]

Siouxie, shut up. (I say that with much love)

Wyo, 11 degrees? I'd go swimmin'. It's 17 below here in good ol' Great Falls.

[Wyo Cowboy]

Ha! just moved up to 12. Take that, Sioux!

Are we making a spectacle of ourselves here?

[Siouxie]

CH, good to know you survived the commute. The Miami drivers are equally cautious today as Dave leaves the eye doc with lovely dilating pupils ;-)

[Guin]

The eye doctor is even more fun when you wear your contacts there, and then realize that you've forgotten your glasses for afterwards. So you have a choice of driving home legally blind, or else trying desperately to stick your contacts back into your streaming, overly-dilated eyes so you have at least a chance of driving on the correct side of the road.

Not that I've done this as recently as last week, or anything.

[Wyo Cowboy]

I must go to work. (blasted job, always interrupts my life.)

Here's lookin' squintin' at you, kids.

[Clean Hands]

Ugh. I've never had that done, as I've always tested out at 20/20. Getting older, though, and noticing that my ability to focus clearly is heavily degraded by fatigue.

[estrogen centrale]

If it makes anyone feel better, I got caught in pouring rain leaving the office last night. Couldn't wait 'til it ended, as there were places to be.

[Siouxie]

Guin, I too have forgotten my glasses AND sunglasses and was forced to drive (in Miami traffic) legally blind and squinting. I'm pretty sure I didn't hit anyone...

[Siouxie]

Have a good day Wyo!!! stay warm (hehe)

*shuttin' up now cuz blurk's got a lot of guns and ammo*

[baligurl]

Hey, blurk! Didja hear about the guy who came home and found his wife naked, in front of the mirror? "What are you doing?" he asked. "I went to the Dr. today, and he said I have the breasts of a 25 year old!" "Oh yeah? What'd he say about your 50 year old a$$?" "Oh, your name never came up!"

[Cheryl Howard]

I was 6 degrees here last night... brrrrrrr. Hoping for a high of a balmy 29 today. Eye balls freeze in these kinda temperatures.

[Betsy]

Yep, yep...and how's about the visual field exam, where they make you look through the cybergoggles of doom and push a button whenever you see, or think you see, or suspect that you might have seen, a little flash of light in various places...or maybe you should just push the button because it's been a long time since the last flash, and you've probably missed some, and...

So you go home with a stiff neck and bloody places where your nails have bitten into your left palm. (The right one, which clutches the button, is permanently frozen into a claw-like state by the tension. Add the eyepatch, and it's Captain Hook for sure.)

[crossgirl]

omg betsy, i do so hate that test! i feel so claustrophibic with my face in the stupid blinking bowl of random lights.

[Beth]

My eyedoctor when I was an undergraduate was located inside the universty hospital, in an office that I hope to God was originally intended for something else. The waiting room, which he would send me back into doing half the exam and putting in the dilating drops, had one entire wall and the ceiling all skylights!!! He was a pediatric opthamologist whoi I went to because some of my eye problems are more common in kids, so I would go and hideout in the playroom, where it was reasonably dim. I know for a fact that I scared away some four year olds, but I needed it. I was suffering!!

[Siouxie]

brrrrrrrrrr Cheryl!!

btw...I haven't made the quiche YET but I did use the Walla Walla onions you sent me to make one of the 4 corn bread casseroles that I made. YUMMY!!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Dave,

Don’t worry, once the Dr. dilates your pupils you will still be able to see cars as far away as three blocks.

You won’t, however be able to see the car in front of you, or read any street signs. Because of this, it’s helpful to beep your horn often and flap your arm out the window as a warning to other motorists. (Sidenote #1: The DMV needs to come up with a new street sign for “pupil-dialated motorist ahead”!) (Sidenote #2: Does anyone in Miami have a video camera?)

Anyway, don’t feel bad. Taking bets on whether or not you’ll get stuck on the curb leaving the parking lot is how your ophthalmologist makes extra cash for the holidays.

[blurk]

bali, touché.

LOL

[Siouxie]

pssst...Lisa...how much for a UTube video of Dave driving onto oncoming traffic while flapping his arm??

*sees extortion material opportunity*

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Siouxie-We could go to Vegas on that money. ;-)

[Siouxie]

dang it..he's home already!!! ;-P

[Cheryl Howard]

Sioxie--I am so glad you liked them! Cornbread casserole!....yumm! SO far, onions are about the only safe thing on my counters.

I just got home from carpooling the kids to school. Edward the bad dog has eaten a woven basket containing hairbands and a carboard container (contents: Electrosol tabs for the dshwasher). I'm not sure what this going to look like when it comes out the outher side but I'm thinking I really don't want to know.

[CJrun]

The alternative:

First, when you're warned not to look at someone welding LISTEN, EVEN IF YOU ARE ACROSS THE ROOM. Back when I lived on a boat, I awoke with no vision and eyes that felt as if they were full of sand. I crawled off the boat, down the dock, and heard a familiar voice.
"Fred, is that you? I need you to take me to the hospital"
"CJ, I can't drive you, I don't have a car."
"Here," pulling out keys,"we'll take mine."
"You want me to drive YOUR car?" [mint condition 1968 Mustang].
"Yes, I can't see, so I can't drive."
"OK, but when we get there, I have a funny story to tell you." At the hospital, as he was leading me to the door, he explained that he was legally blind and didn't have a driver's license.
"How the hell did you drive us here?"
"Oh, it's not so bad at night; I just keep away from the white lights and stay behind the red ones."

Yeegads!

[Cheryl Howard]

Nice ride. My first car was a candy apple red 67 Mustang. Nice story about the blind leading the blind CJ :-0

[Theresa]

Dave just make sure that you wear the sunglasses. The brightness gets you.
On another note I have already purchased your Christmas book a couple of weeks ago and was hoping that someday Michigan may be a stop for you for book signing.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*chanting*

"Mov-ie, mov-ie, mov-ie..."

[Kathybear]

I finally got it! The book that is! Go strumpeting! And should you be in the NYC area, give me a call, Dave... I need to get the thing signed!

[Paul]

Now, if you went to a real eye doctor-like an Ophthalmologist- someone like me who isn't even a doctor would do the "better one-better two" thing to you (we find it funny when you get mad-sometimes we get pools going on how long till a patient goes insane) and then put the drops in, before the doctor even knows you're there!

[Annie Where-but-here]

I would pay serious money to see Dave in blueblocker shades. Of course, I would pay serious money just to see Dave again. Sigh.

Why do the eye doctors always have the best reading material? What a tease. Once the drops kick in, forget about reading anything.

My hearing doctor had a 'low-talking' receptionist. Her lips would move, but you couldn't hear a dang thing. I think it was a marketing ploy.