FINALLY, A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR TOM CRUISE

(Thanks to Steve Olson)

Comments

[Cheryl Howard]

*Jumps off sofa*

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

The scientific explanation for Tom is that there is life on Uranus, and some of it came here for a visit.

[Punkin Puise]

"How do you know it's a scientific discovery, Dave?? Have you studied scientificness? I have, Dave! I HAVE!!!

*jumps on couch*

*psychiatrist calls for the little white coat*

[Just Ducky]

I think that's already occurring...

[Meanie the Blue]

Just Ducky - yes. Witness Paris Hilton also.

[Cheryl Howard]

*Calls Matt Lauer and tells him he knows nothing about Evolutionary theory.* Oh and first.

[Somewhere North]

Yes, but the problem with this theory is that the educated class tends to realize that having 16 children by 12 different men is not ideal while K-Fed continues to reproduce at an alarming rate.

Therefore the subspecies will be about 16 times greater than the higher one using more resources thus all the Twitney offspring will survive and take over, killing off the educated class simply by numbers.

Of course, global warming is predicted to kill us all by then which may not be a bad thing.

[Just Ducky]

Meanie--exactly!

[Elron's Hubby]

Don't believe any of this! H.G. Wells is a hack!

[russell]

"while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises."

bigger?? who came up with this... blogettes??
(sorry dear ladies, I had to take the shot...)

[Eleanor]

Well, except for the "pert breasts," which sounds like a good thing, I'm glad I won't be around.

[Cheryl Howard]

"the underclass humans ...would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures" Ironically, all of which own Humvees.

[Just Ducky]

Monumental Genetic Hangover WBAGNFARB.

[KDF]

The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.

See for yourself -- a side by side comparison.

[queensbee]

the stupids and the not stupids???

[Punkin Poo]

And people think Neanderthal man went extinct, but no, he was just absorbed into our culture and pops out now and again as an Arnold Schwarz, Schwarrgerr...the Terminator, or Johnny Damon.

Ok - off for a weekend of Hell Raisin' Fun!

Catch y'all on Monday!

[Art Vandelay]

I fear for my great-great-great-great-great-grandgoblins

[Just Ducky]

Have fun, Punkin!

[Somewhere North]

Of course, it is easy to make predictions for 1000 years in the future when you will not, personally, have to actually defend your theories once they turn out to be total bunk. If you can still get the government to hand you over scads of cash for coming up with far fetched, totally improbably ideas that you ripped off an old Orson Wells film, well, that tells us the subspecies are already here an apparently running the country.

[Cheesewiz]

So scientifically speaking, the end point of human evolution has everyone looking like Ken and Barbie?

Not much of a lucky sperm club.

[CJrun]

*snork* @ KDF

[Chaz]

I am feeling like the sub species today...

[mudstuffin]

""underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."

Would have? Would have? Have you been to a Wal-Mart lately? (Or a Nascar event?)

(Ducks)

[Just Ducky]

And why, pray tell, would the subspecies have to be SHORT? Perhaps the superior evolution would have manking becoming more space-efficient, bodily speaking.

*stands on tiptoe to post*

[KDF]

*snork* at mud

[Scott]

"...the 'underclass' humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."

Being a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, my first inclination is to make some sort of joke involving Pittsburgh Steelers fans here. But instead, let me just say it appears that Geraldo Rivera has jumped the gun on evolution.

[casey]

science, schmience. Werent we supposed to be living on the moon by now?

[Just Ducky]

I'm still waiting for my flying car.

[casey]

Not to rub it in or anything, but I'm already home w/my dogs on this cold rainy day, sipping my first glass of Merlot. Aint life grand?

[puppytoes]

well... DUH.

on a related note, that information might make THIS easier.

[Just Ducky]

And my robot maid named Rosie.

[wickedwitch]

mud, have to agree on the Wal-Mart sub-species. of course, most of us aren't raving beauties, but basically, i look like the standard human. i have seen some things at Wal-Mart that even i couldn't classify. i generally don't judge anyone by their physical appearance, but DAMN. . . too bad they are the ones that seem to have multiply children running wild thru the aisles. scary, isn't it.

[pogo]

"The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."

...and there are those who believe this has already happened.

[insomniac]

in the 3000 or so....

Britney Paris Holmes XXXIV is calling her friend Madonna Cher Angelina Pitt-Roberts XXIX via brain-implant...

B: I'm exhausted! Keeping up my genetically perky ramparts and my naturally clear complexion takes no time at all but keeping the bots in line takes forever!

M: I know, if it's not the spambot going through the psi-mail, it's the p*rn-bot giving the spam-bot work to do!

B: How did we manage before the asterisk was part of the alphabet? Anyway, Brad is losing interest, I only had seven orgasms last night!

M: Seven! And he's just 108, too!

B: So, I thinking of taking a goblin lover, you know Blug, who shines the cashier-bots at MalWart?

M: But aren't goblins, kind of ...small...down there?

B: It's a relief! You know what they say..."Once you go goblin, the next day you're not hobblin' "

[Christobol]

That's weird, I took a shot at Tom Cruise today as well.

This will make for some fun conversations during the transition.

"Tonga, I can't see you anymore."
"Why not, Katarina?"
"You're going sub-human."
"I am?"
"Yeah, look how short you are, and I mean that on multiple levels, or at least two."
"Levels?"
"It's an upper-human concept. Look, we can still be...I mean, you can clean my refuse pod."
"Tonga would be sad, but over reliance on technology makes that impossible."
"Don't worry, your species is destined to regain the emotions, since we're going to take all the cool stuff away from you."

[wickedwitch]

bad boy, insomniac, how do you think this stuff up? too many toads?

[Just Ducky]

"But in the nearer future, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall."

OK, not to poke holes in this theory, but if EVERYBODY is tall and good-looking, how would the subspecies even exist at that point? Or reappear in great-enough numbers to constitute a subspecies? Natural selection, and all...

[chesbn]

Let's see: tall- check; slim- pretty much; healthy- yep; attractive- I like to think so; intelligent- my mommy says so; and creative- when I need to be. Does this make me the genetic upper class? Should I use my power for good or evil?

[CJrun]

Insom, to quote Ginsburg, HOOWWLLLLLLL.

*snork* @Christo, as well.

[chesbn]

Though, if being over 6 ft. tall makes one a giant...*because I'm not self conscious enough ALREADY, thanks*

[Cheryl Howard]

casey--E.S.T? Not that it matters. P.S.T. here and I've already popped the cork on a Chardonnay (reds come later in the day--preferrably with gummy chicken)

Hey, its Friday everyone! Yeah! And to everyone in the Hunt. I envy you and I hope you have the times of your lives!

[chesbn]

Oh, and of course, *snork* at insom and christobol

[bookworm]

And if we combine this study with yesterday's scientific breakthrough we can extrapolate that the number of vampires in both subspecies will be...

Oh wait, they all died in 1602, so there won't be any left. That's a shame for the future of humanity, as the vampires could have eliminated some of the more annoying current humans (K-Fed, Tom Cruise, Twintney, Paris, Barry Manilow, etc.) and prevented this unfortunate evolutionary split.

And in the year 3000, pigs will fly, right?

[Art Vandelay]

I have to disagree. I hypothesize(sp?)that there will be a third sub-species which I like to refer to as the Blogenese

[Cheryl Howard]

Bookworm. First Class no less

[Christobol]

"Dude, how many smoothies is that for you?"

"I dunno, why?"

"Your chin is gone."

"Sh!t."

[Chaz]

Shall we fry this third sub-species...?

[Brad]

Christobol...We could prevent this by knocking up stupid, short, ugly chicks.

[Matt]

Didn't Zager and Evans come up with this in 1969?

[Blondentropy]

AHHH! Earwig warning on Matt's post!

*goes to wash out ears with gasoline*

[baligurl]

Okay, the reason I haven't posted on this thread is because I'm 5'2", and I'm a little sensitive. In college, one of my professors told me I hat "peasant hands", that I would never be "musically artistic". Well, she's dead now, and I sing like an angel in my car, so who was right?

[Christobol]

So, when they look back to today (which you just know they will) to figure out exactly how this species split occurred, who will they make the "missing link" poster people?

Also, not to pick at such a well reasoned scientific study, but is alcohol going to disappear? Because otherwise, a lot of incongruous-looks-hooking-up will continue to unify the species (pretending for the moment that looks are the sole reason any two people ever get together).

[Stevie W]

"Perhaps the superior evolution would have manking becoming more space-efficient, bodily speaking."
--ducky, 3:01pm

Kurt Vonnegut did this in I forget which novel - the Chinese had intentionally mutated themselves into a race of two-foot-tall people, so they would need smaller amounts of natural resources. Western scientists would occasionally go there to learn their not-so-ancient Chinese secrets, but none ever returned. Hence, the expression "gone to China" became a euphemism for "committed suicide," a phrase deemed too socially abhorrent to utter.

I loved that.

[Mike Antonucci]

"He carried out the report for men's satellite TV channel Bravo."

That's all you need to know about the quality of this research.

[CJrun]

*Opens up the blog bar* Hey, I'm on vacation, heah!
*passes Cheryl a Chardonnay, Siouxie a Chardonnay and the subspecies some bowls of Everclear*

[Ford79]

...there is a possibility of a monumental genetic hangover...reducing our natural capacity to resist disease, or our evolved ability to get along with each other, said Dr Curry.

That’s a concern, because we’ve honed that ability to such a fine point over the millennia.

[baligurl]

CJ, can I just have a beer til I get my official subspecies card. Please?

[CJrun]

*slides bali a frosty Fullers ESB and a Gummy Tongue* Bali, you won! Wait, hold that beer with both of your peasant hands!

[baligurl]

Okay, but I'll be singin'. It's your own fault.

[baligurl]

Oh, and thanks for the tongue.

[Chaz]

I'll be trolling on the wrong side of the tracks for some subspecies tonight!*

*all blondes are sub-species

[baligurl]

*loads shotgun with peasant hands*
What did you say?

[Matt]

A few years ago, there were two studies in the newspaper on the same day, one page apart.

Study 1 was stupid people have more children than average.
Study 2 was tall people have more children on average.

I think this guy had his study backwards. In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find a tall, dumb labor class, and a shorter, smarter, better equipped ruling class.

[mudstuffin]

As for the missing link, would a tall, intelligent yet strangely troll-like person do?

(wink, wink)

[CJrun]

Mud: are you partially coffee-colored? Do you have at least 1 pert breast?

[almne]

The main problem with this is what did people look like 1000 years ago? Were they that different? If evolution works this fast we should be taken over by squirrels by the year 3006.

[Alfred]

Maybe the Squirrels and the lower humans will get along. As we laugh at the lower human slaves. Not for us I mean. Slaves to Squirrels.
"The squirrell is to cute for me! I must clean the kithen!"

Seeing as a thousand years ago we had a Aristocracy and a peasant class....

[Beppie]

"while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises."
-----I'm not sure, but I think he just called modern men "girly".

[CJrun]

Hey, he called us asymmetrical blobs with blobby jaws, squeeky voices, and wee winkies! Blog War!

*where are Thelma and Louise?*

[Stevie W]

Pert breast -- wasn't he the Beatles' original drummer?

[Meanie the Blue]

Yeah, stevie. Wasn't he also known as the "third nipple" for a time too?

[Jacki]

In the year 2525, if man is still alive...

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[markhh]

steve w: Kurt Vonnegut did this in I forget which novel - the Chinese had intentionally mutated themselves into a race of two-foot-tall people...

I believe that was Slapstick - The same book where he proposed that people get a government-issued middle name to form instant "families".

[bilgewater]

Woody Allen was right. The orgasmatron will evolve until everyone will look like the figure on the right.But,since everyone is locked instep together,there's no reason to mourn the death of Mr. America or Miss America,or Miss Universe,or Miss Detroit.
In fact,the lumpy and dumpy parade will be held each and every April in Toledo,Ohio.