FINALLY, A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR TOM CRUISE
(Thanks to Steve Olson)
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(Thanks to Steve Olson)
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*Jumps off sofa*
Posted by: Cheryl Howard | October 27, 2006 at 02:42 PM
The scientific explanation for Tom is that there is life on Uranus, and some of it came here for a visit.
Posted by: The Dread Pirate Chris | October 27, 2006 at 02:42 PM
"How do you know it's a scientific discovery, Dave?? Have you studied scientificness? I have, Dave! I HAVE!!!
*jumps on couch*
*psychiatrist calls for the little white coat*
Posted by: Punkin Puise | October 27, 2006 at 02:43 PM
I think that's already occurring...
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 02:43 PM
Just Ducky - yes. Witness Paris Hilton also.
Posted by: Meanie the Blue | October 27, 2006 at 02:44 PM
*Calls Matt Lauer and tells him he knows nothing about Evolutionary theory.* Oh and first.
Posted by: Cheryl Howard | October 27, 2006 at 02:44 PM
Yes, but the problem with this theory is that the educated class tends to realize that having 16 children by 12 different men is not ideal while K-Fed continues to reproduce at an alarming rate.
Therefore the subspecies will be about 16 times greater than the higher one using more resources thus all the Twitney offspring will survive and take over, killing off the educated class simply by numbers.
Of course, global warming is predicted to kill us all by then which may not be a bad thing.
Posted by: Somewhere North | October 27, 2006 at 02:45 PM
Meanie--exactly!
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 02:46 PM
Don't believe any of this! H.G. Wells is a hack!
Posted by: Elron's Hubby | October 27, 2006 at 02:46 PM
"while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises."
bigger?? who came up with this... blogettes??
(sorry dear ladies, I had to take the shot...)
Posted by: russell | October 27, 2006 at 02:47 PM
Well, except for the "pert breasts," which sounds like a good thing, I'm glad I won't be around.
Posted by: Eleanor | October 27, 2006 at 02:48 PM
"the underclass humans ...would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures" Ironically, all of which own Humvees.
Posted by: Cheryl Howard | October 27, 2006 at 02:49 PM
Monumental Genetic Hangover WBAGNFARB.
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 02:50 PM
The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.
See for yourself -- a side by side comparison.
Posted by: KDF | October 27, 2006 at 02:50 PM
the stupids and the not stupids???
Posted by: queensbee | October 27, 2006 at 02:51 PM
And people think Neanderthal man went extinct, but no, he was just absorbed into our culture and pops out now and again as an Arnold Schwarz, Schwarrgerr...the Terminator, or Johnny Damon.
Ok - off for a weekend of Hell Raisin' Fun!
Catch y'all on Monday!
Posted by: Punkin Poo | October 27, 2006 at 02:51 PM
I fear for my great-great-great-great-great-grandgoblins
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 27, 2006 at 02:52 PM
Have fun, Punkin!
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 02:52 PM
Of course, it is easy to make predictions for 1000 years in the future when you will not, personally, have to actually defend your theories once they turn out to be total bunk. If you can still get the government to hand you over scads of cash for coming up with far fetched, totally improbably ideas that you ripped off an old Orson Wells film, well, that tells us the subspecies are already here an apparently running the country.
Posted by: Somewhere North | October 27, 2006 at 02:54 PM
So scientifically speaking, the end point of human evolution has everyone looking like Ken and Barbie?
Not much of a lucky sperm club.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | October 27, 2006 at 02:54 PM
*snork* @ KDF
Posted by: CJrun | October 27, 2006 at 02:57 PM
I am feeling like the sub species today...
Posted by: Chaz | October 27, 2006 at 02:58 PM
""underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."
Would have? Would have? Have you been to a Wal-Mart lately? (Or a Nascar event?)
(Ducks)
Posted by: mudstuffin | October 27, 2006 at 02:59 PM
And why, pray tell, would the subspecies have to be SHORT? Perhaps the superior evolution would have manking becoming more space-efficient, bodily speaking.
*stands on tiptoe to post*
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 03:01 PM
*snork* at mud
Posted by: KDF | October 27, 2006 at 03:02 PM
"...the 'underclass' humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."
Being a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, my first inclination is to make some sort of joke involving Pittsburgh Steelers fans here. But instead, let me just say it appears that Geraldo Rivera has jumped the gun on evolution.
Posted by: Scott | October 27, 2006 at 03:06 PM
science, schmience. Werent we supposed to be living on the moon by now?
Posted by: casey | October 27, 2006 at 03:08 PM
I'm still waiting for my flying car.
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 03:09 PM
Not to rub it in or anything, but I'm already home w/my dogs on this cold rainy day, sipping my first glass of Merlot. Aint life grand?
Posted by: casey | October 27, 2006 at 03:09 PM
well... DUH.
on a related note, that information might make THIS easier.
Posted by: puppytoes | October 27, 2006 at 03:09 PM
And my robot maid named Rosie.
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 03:10 PM
mud, have to agree on the Wal-Mart sub-species. of course, most of us aren't raving beauties, but basically, i look like the standard human. i have seen some things at Wal-Mart that even i couldn't classify. i generally don't judge anyone by their physical appearance, but DAMN. . . too bad they are the ones that seem to have multiply children running wild thru the aisles. scary, isn't it.
Posted by: wickedwitch | October 27, 2006 at 03:10 PM
"The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."
...and there are those who believe this has already happened.
Posted by: pogo | October 27, 2006 at 03:13 PM
in the 3000 or so....
Britney Paris Holmes XXXIV is calling her friend Madonna Cher Angelina Pitt-Roberts XXIX via brain-implant...
B: I'm exhausted! Keeping up my genetically perky ramparts and my naturally clear complexion takes no time at all but keeping the bots in line takes forever!
M: I know, if it's not the spambot going through the psi-mail, it's the p*rn-bot giving the spam-bot work to do!
B: How did we manage before the asterisk was part of the alphabet? Anyway, Brad is losing interest, I only had seven orgasms last night!
M: Seven! And he's just 108, too!
B: So, I thinking of taking a goblin lover, you know Blug, who shines the cashier-bots at MalWart?
M: But aren't goblins, kind of ...small...down there?
B: It's a relief! You know what they say..."Once you go goblin, the next day you're not hobblin' "
Posted by: insomniac | October 27, 2006 at 03:15 PM
That's weird, I took a shot at Tom Cruise today as well.
This will make for some fun conversations during the transition.
"Tonga, I can't see you anymore."
"Why not, Katarina?"
"You're going sub-human."
"I am?"
"Yeah, look how short you are, and I mean that on multiple levels, or at least two."
"Levels?"
"It's an upper-human concept. Look, we can still be...I mean, you can clean my refuse pod."
"Tonga would be sad, but over reliance on technology makes that impossible."
"Don't worry, your species is destined to regain the emotions, since we're going to take all the cool stuff away from you."
Posted by: Christobol | October 27, 2006 at 03:17 PM
bad boy, insomniac, how do you think this stuff up? too many toads?
Posted by: wickedwitch | October 27, 2006 at 03:18 PM
"But in the nearer future, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall."
OK, not to poke holes in this theory, but if EVERYBODY is tall and good-looking, how would the subspecies even exist at that point? Or reappear in great-enough numbers to constitute a subspecies? Natural selection, and all...
Posted by: Just Ducky | October 27, 2006 at 03:19 PM
Let's see: tall- check; slim- pretty much; healthy- yep; attractive- I like to think so; intelligent- my mommy says so; and creative- when I need to be. Does this make me the genetic upper class? Should I use my power for good or evil?
Posted by: chesbn | October 27, 2006 at 03:21 PM
Insom, to quote Ginsburg, HOOWWLLLLLLL.
*snork* @Christo, as well.
Posted by: CJrun | October 27, 2006 at 03:22 PM
Though, if being over 6 ft. tall makes one a giant...*because I'm not self conscious enough ALREADY, thanks*
Posted by: chesbn | October 27, 2006 at 03:23 PM
casey--E.S.T? Not that it matters. P.S.T. here and I've already popped the cork on a Chardonnay (reds come later in the day--preferrably with gummy chicken)
Hey, its Friday everyone! Yeah! And to everyone in the Hunt. I envy you and I hope you have the times of your lives!
Posted by: Cheryl Howard | October 27, 2006 at 03:24 PM
Oh, and of course, *snork* at insom and christobol
Posted by: chesbn | October 27, 2006 at 03:24 PM
And if we combine this study with yesterday's scientific breakthrough we can extrapolate that the number of vampires in both subspecies will be...
Oh wait, they all died in 1602, so there won't be any left. That's a shame for the future of humanity, as the vampires could have eliminated some of the more annoying current humans (K-Fed, Tom Cruise, Twintney, Paris, Barry Manilow, etc.) and prevented this unfortunate evolutionary split.
And in the year 3000, pigs will fly, right?
Posted by: bookworm | October 27, 2006 at 03:27 PM
I have to disagree. I hypothesize(sp?)that there will be a third sub-species which I like to refer to as the Blogenese
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 27, 2006 at 03:28 PM
Bookworm. First Class no less
Posted by: Cheryl Howard | October 27, 2006 at 03:30 PM
"Dude, how many smoothies is that for you?"
"I dunno, why?"
"Your chin is gone."
"Sh!t."
Posted by: Christobol | October 27, 2006 at 03:31 PM
Shall we fry this third sub-species...?
Posted by: Chaz | October 27, 2006 at 03:32 PM
Christobol...We could prevent this by knocking up stupid, short, ugly chicks.
Posted by: Brad | October 27, 2006 at 03:40 PM
Didn't Zager and Evans come up with this in 1969?
Posted by: Matt | October 27, 2006 at 03:43 PM
AHHH! Earwig warning on Matt's post!
*goes to wash out ears with gasoline*
Posted by: Blondentropy | October 27, 2006 at 03:58 PM
Okay, the reason I haven't posted on this thread is because I'm 5'2", and I'm a little sensitive. In college, one of my professors told me I hat "peasant hands", that I would never be "musically artistic". Well, she's dead now, and I sing like an angel in my car, so who was right?
Posted by: baligurl | October 27, 2006 at 03:59 PM
So, when they look back to today (which you just know they will) to figure out exactly how this species split occurred, who will they make the "missing link" poster people?
Also, not to pick at such a well reasoned scientific study, but is alcohol going to disappear? Because otherwise, a lot of incongruous-looks-hooking-up will continue to unify the species (pretending for the moment that looks are the sole reason any two people ever get together).
Posted by: Christobol | October 27, 2006 at 04:00 PM
"Perhaps the superior evolution would have manking becoming more space-efficient, bodily speaking."
--ducky, 3:01pm
Kurt Vonnegut did this in I forget which novel - the Chinese had intentionally mutated themselves into a race of two-foot-tall people, so they would need smaller amounts of natural resources. Western scientists would occasionally go there to learn their not-so-ancient Chinese secrets, but none ever returned. Hence, the expression "gone to China" became a euphemism for "committed suicide," a phrase deemed too socially abhorrent to utter.
I loved that.
Posted by: Stevie W | October 27, 2006 at 04:05 PM
"He carried out the report for men's satellite TV channel Bravo."
That's all you need to know about the quality of this research.
Posted by: Mike Antonucci | October 27, 2006 at 04:09 PM
*Opens up the blog bar* Hey, I'm on vacation, heah!
*passes Cheryl a Chardonnay, Siouxie a Chardonnay and the subspecies some bowls of Everclear*
Posted by: CJrun | October 27, 2006 at 04:10 PM
...there is a possibility of a monumental genetic hangover...reducing our natural capacity to resist disease, or our evolved ability to get along with each other, said Dr Curry.
That’s a concern, because we’ve honed that ability to such a fine point over the millennia.
Posted by: Ford79 | October 27, 2006 at 04:10 PM
CJ, can I just have a beer til I get my official subspecies card. Please?
Posted by: baligurl | October 27, 2006 at 04:11 PM
*slides bali a frosty Fullers ESB and a Gummy Tongue* Bali, you won! Wait, hold that beer with both of your peasant hands!
Posted by: CJrun | October 27, 2006 at 04:19 PM
Okay, but I'll be singin'. It's your own fault.
Posted by: baligurl | October 27, 2006 at 04:25 PM
Oh, and thanks for the tongue.
Posted by: baligurl | October 27, 2006 at 04:26 PM
I'll be trolling on the wrong side of the tracks for some subspecies tonight!*
*all blondes are sub-species
Posted by: Chaz | October 27, 2006 at 04:27 PM
*loads shotgun with peasant hands*
What did you say?
Posted by: baligurl | October 27, 2006 at 04:29 PM
A few years ago, there were two studies in the newspaper on the same day, one page apart.
Study 1 was stupid people have more children than average.
Study 2 was tall people have more children on average.
I think this guy had his study backwards. In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find a tall, dumb labor class, and a shorter, smarter, better equipped ruling class.
Posted by: Matt | October 27, 2006 at 04:33 PM
As for the missing link, would a tall, intelligent yet strangely troll-like person do?
(wink, wink)
Posted by: mudstuffin | October 27, 2006 at 04:42 PM
Mud: are you partially coffee-colored? Do you have at least 1 pert breast?
Posted by: CJrun | October 27, 2006 at 05:01 PM
The main problem with this is what did people look like 1000 years ago? Were they that different? If evolution works this fast we should be taken over by squirrels by the year 3006.
Posted by: almne | October 27, 2006 at 07:07 PM
Maybe the Squirrels and the lower humans will get along. As we laugh at the lower human slaves. Not for us I mean. Slaves to Squirrels.
"The squirrell is to cute for me! I must clean the kithen!"
Seeing as a thousand years ago we had a Aristocracy and a peasant class....
Posted by: Alfred | October 27, 2006 at 07:34 PM
"while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises."
-----I'm not sure, but I think he just called modern men "girly".
Posted by: Beppie | October 27, 2006 at 07:56 PM
Hey, he called us asymmetrical blobs with blobby jaws, squeeky voices, and wee winkies! Blog War!
*where are Thelma and Louise?*
Posted by: CJrun | October 27, 2006 at 08:35 PM
Pert breast -- wasn't he the Beatles' original drummer?
Posted by: Stevie W | October 27, 2006 at 09:43 PM
Yeah, stevie. Wasn't he also known as the "third nipple" for a time too?
Posted by: Meanie the Blue | October 27, 2006 at 09:52 PM
In the year 2525, if man is still alive...
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Posted by: Jacki | October 28, 2006 at 09:03 AM
steve w: Kurt Vonnegut did this in I forget which novel - the Chinese had intentionally mutated themselves into a race of two-foot-tall people...
I believe that was Slapstick - The same book where he proposed that people get a government-issued middle name to form instant "families".
Posted by: markhh | October 30, 2006 at 08:43 AM
Woody Allen was right. The orgasmatron will evolve until everyone will look like the figure on the right.But,since everyone is locked instep together,there's no reason to mourn the death of Mr. America or Miss America,or Miss Universe,or Miss Detroit.
In fact,the lumpy and dumpy parade will be held each and every April in Toledo,Ohio.
Posted by: bilgewater | November 01, 2006 at 01:26 AM