Dave Barry's Blog

THE O.C.

This explains a LOT.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

CAN I HAVE MY MANLY DEODORANT BACK?

YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING

Cynically exploitative contest PETA Protest

(Thanks to Danny Moore)

DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER UPDATE

Dog fought the law, and Dog would like to apologize.

(Thanks to Elon Weintraub)

CAKE IN THE RAIN

(An email from last week:)

Dear Dave,

 

Today has been one of the worst days of my life.  My co-worker Lynette was complaining yesterday that I haven't baked anything for the office in awhile, so last night I baked a home made chocolate cake from scratch.  It was beautiful.

 

This morning, as I was getting out of the car, a hurricane strength wind suddenly appearerd and knocked off the lid to the cake carrier I had.  Next it blew the cake face down on the asphalt parking lot, and finally the cake pan blew away down the street, chasing the lid.  This all happened within a space of 5 seconds.

 

As I stood there in disbelief, suddenly it started to rain.  Hard.  I was getting soaked, standing there thinking, "I am not believing this" when all of a sudden the song MacArthur Park started going off in my head, "someone left the cake out in the rain...."  And it wasn't even the good Donna Summer version, either (okay so I like Disco--sue me) it was the awful Richard Harris version.  Now I can't get the song out of my head.

 

I was hoping by emailing you my earwig you could replace the water one Sophie gave you with this one, thus freeing me from going quietly insane today.

 

Thanks for your help,

 

Elizabeth Gibson

--
God takes care of fools and little children, therefore I have double coverage.  :)

UPDATE: Lynette, seeing how upset I was, and being the nice person she is, suggested we have a moment of silence over the cake, so we did.  Attached is a crap cam picture of what was left of the cake at 4:00 on Friday.

AN OUTRAGE

(Belated thanks to Sharon Brennan)

THE SIMPSONS

Several people have written to point out that last night on The Simpsons, the Simpsons visited  a failing shopping mall, in which there was a bookstore called.... Rock Bottom Remainders. (Yes, this blog was watching.) Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons, is a founding member of the band and still performs with us sometimes. He is a great guy, and quite possibly the worst singer on the planet earth, except for some of the other band members.

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys have perspective.

Key Quote: "Chances are he's a hot wheels trader."

(Thanks again to DavCat14)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO FLY AGAIN

Spiders on a Plane

(Thanks to DavCat14)

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

(And don't forget this)

EEEYEW EEEYEW EEEYEW

If you ever plan to eat again, you do NOT want to click this link.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

ATTENTION, TELECOMMUTERS LOOKING FOR THAT PERFECT COMFORTABLE-BUT-BUSINESSLIKE OUTFIT

So maybe it's not a real product. We have proven time and time again that we don't care.¹

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

¹Except that they don't have anything for women.

COOL NEWS

Be on the lookout for.... well, there's no way to tell, really. But watch out.

(Thanks to Jeff Luhrs)

SECRET

I have used Rid's pirate mustache to butch up my Secret.

COW/CANNIBIS NEWS UPDATE

(Thanks to chesbn)

WOULD YOUR HUSBAND CHEAT?

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

FINALLY

...a judge willing to tackle the real legal issues.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

WE ARE SO PROUD OFFENDED PROUD

(Thanks to "a friend")

SCHOOL NEWS

We can only imagine the controversy if this letter had been written in some other font.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this level-headed motorist.

(Thanks to DavCat)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are now in (we think) Denver, having departed very, very early this morning from (we think) Phoenix, where for some reason I was singled out by security personnel for a near-colonoscopic level of scrutiny. A TSA guy spent a lot of time going through my luggage, at one point removing and examining my Peter Pan hat. (Yes, I travel with a Peter Pan hat. I also have pirate-style eyepatches.) When he was finally done, he put my suitcase down on the table and told me I could go. So I  picked up my suitcase, and watched with an “It’s 5:15 a.m. and I have not had coffee” expression as the all of the contents, including my lone remaining clean undershorts, spilled out onto the friendly hygienic airport floor. It turns out that -- air travelers, take note –- the TSA personnel UNzip your suitcase, but they do not REzip your suitcase.

I have said this before, but I will say it again: If we ever catch Osama bin Laden, the way to punish him his not to kill or torture him. The way to punish him is to make him go through airport security. (“Today, Osama, you are going to fly from Mobile, Alabama, to Portland, Oregon, via several connecting flights.” “No! Please! Send me to Guantanamo!”)

I am mildly concerned about my deodorant. As I stated in an earlier blog post, airport security personnel in (I think) Los Angeles took away my deodorant, because it was a gel, which is the terrorist kind of deodorant. So I had to buy a new deodorant in Phoenix, and the only one I could find that was made of a non-terrorist stick substance was “Secret” brand deodorant, which Ridley has informed me is a girl deodorant. Maybe that’s why they singled me out for security at the Phoenix airport (“Bob, we have a suspect here carrying a girl deodorant and a Peter Pan hat.”) I will try to post a CrapCam photo of my deodorant later on, so you can tell me if it is sufficiently manly, or if I should get a new one, or what.

Anyway, as I say, Ridley and I now believe we are in Denver, which by the way is approximately 600 degrees below zero today. We are very much looking forward to doing whatever it is that we are supposed to be doing here.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Hmmmm.

(Thanks to Russell Blair)

WE-COULDN'T-BE-MORE-SHOCKED BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CRIMINAL ACTIVITY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Grape theft.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

PHOENIX STRUMPDATE

GOT MILK?

Or really, pretty much anything, man. Nachos? Did you ever try nacho chips dipped in chocolate? OMG... Chocolate! What else do you have? Got any cookies? Hey, remember Sesame Street? COoooKIEEEES... oh man. It's been a long time. Time. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? ABOUT TIIIIIME???? Hey, who's gonna be here this weekend? Anybody good at Ray's? You want to go? Have you seen that Ok Go video? Oh man. When are we going to go to the gym?

What? Oh, yeah. Good milk.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

IN THE MARKET?

Put Dick and his team to work for you!

(Thanks to Paqo)

THONG GIRL

A good mayor utilizes all available resources before making decisions.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DON'T GET IT

Why is this news?

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

UPDATE: Why?

IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTIFICATION

I work at a major government laboratory where the motto is "The world's greatest science, protecting America". I am writing to you today about an urgent matter of national security.  It isn't alternative energy or nuke detectors at our ports - it's SAFETY ON STAIRS.

On the way up to the cafeteria, I touched the stair handrail without even thinking about it.  Two young, eager office toadies greeted me at the top.  They gave me a candy bar with an important public service message attached: "SOS- SAFETY ON STAIRS.  HR DIVISION THANKS YOU FOR USING THE HANDRAILS!!"

This seems like a misguided joke.  What are the odds that the candy bar might make my heart explode?  How many people scratched their butts before touching the handrail which I touched before touching my pizza?  I can't balance the infinite microscopic risks - they boggle my mind!  I demand a focus group. I want experts with $100,000 taxpayer-financed salaries to come up with a thousand new rules to protect me from myself.

Actually, in trying to control all the little risks, we fall to the biggest risks: losing perspective and losing our edge. The Department of Energy already burdens the labs with so many beaurocratic distractions that it hinders our mission of protecting America.  What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?

Nathan Currier

 

When we asked for permission to reprint his letter here, Mr. Currier added:

In fact, the lab is so proud of this program they even did a press release for it:

http://www.lanl.gov/news/index.php?fuseaction=nb.story&story_id=8915&nb_date=2006-09-01

CYNICALLY EXPLOITATIVE CONTEST OF THE DAY

Wow. Also: Ew.

(Thanks to queensbee)

CYNICALLY EXPLOITATIVE PRODUCT OF THE DAY

Rock on the Rocks.

(Thanks to Nebbisk)

YIKES

ACTUALLY, A LOT OF WOMEN HAVE HAD THIS EXPERIENCE

STRUMPDATE

Today Ridley and I head to Phoenix. At the moment we're at LAX, where security personnel alertly located, and confiscated, the deodorant stick I have been carrying on airplanes for two weeks now. Yes, I fought the law, and the law won. I feel like Bonnie and Clyde, whose luck finally ran out when lawmen ended their lawless rampage and took away their deodorant. The point being, if you come to see us strumpet in Phoenix, do not come too close.

WOOF!

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

SPORTS PHOTO OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Mike A., who says, "I'm no referee, but I think this guy was fouled.")

UPDATE

GOOD TO KNOW

(Thanks to RussellMc)

PEOPLE

Not the sharpest tools in the shed.

(Thanks to sharon share-alike, Rachel Rogers, and marva)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys know how to handle animals.

(Sent in by everyone)

(Also, Ridley and I have landed in Los Angeles. It's nice and sunny. There's no precipitation, which is part of the cycle that water travels in. Water travels in a cycle, yes it does.)

FONT OF WISDOM?

We bet everyone's rushing to join the PTA.

(Thanks to many education mavens)

PHOTO UPDATE, thanks to Clean Hands.

PREMISE FOR A NEW REALITY TV SERIES

"What would make you Take The Plunge?"

(Thanks to Michael O'Donnell)

CRIMINAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Andy, the persistent tropichunt.com guy)

EW

STRUMPDATE

Today Ridley and I are on our way to Los Angeles (a.k.a. "The Big Apple"). Thanks to all who came out to the Seattle event last night, especially to those of you who dressed as pirates.

Also: I would like to get an earwig out of my head. I called home yesterday and talked to my daughter, Sophie, who's in first grade and is studying the forms of water. She learned a song about this, which she sang to me. It's set to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' 'round the Mountain":

Water travels in a cycle yes it does!
Water travels in a cycle yes it does!
It goes up as evaporation
It forms clouds as condensation
It comes down as precipitation
Yes it does!

After Sophie sang this to me, I sang it to Ridley and the woman who was driving us around Seattle, Gail, and pretty soon we were all singing it in the car. Now Ridley and I are at the Seattle airport and we are still singing it. We need to get rid of it before we reach Los Angeles and infect all of southern California. So YOU take it.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN, ME HEARTIES

(Thanks to Nachum Hurvitz)

YERRRRR OUT!

(Thanks to sharon share-alike)

BY THE WAY

YARR!

(Thanks to Scott Wolk)

Also, ARRRR (Thanks to cdelorey)

TESTING

The Blog says the blog arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr broken. It apparrrrrrrrrrently be The Blog which arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.