IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTIFICATION

I work at a major government laboratory where the motto is "The world's greatest science, protecting America". I am writing to you today about an urgent matter of national security.  It isn't alternative energy or nuke detectors at our ports - it's SAFETY ON STAIRS.

On the way up to the cafeteria, I touched the stair handrail without even thinking about it.  Two young, eager office toadies greeted me at the top.  They gave me a candy bar with an important public service message attached: "SOS- SAFETY ON STAIRS.  HR DIVISION THANKS YOU FOR USING THE HANDRAILS!!"

This seems like a misguided joke.  What are the odds that the candy bar might make my heart explode?  How many people scratched their butts before touching the handrail which I touched before touching my pizza?  I can't balance the infinite microscopic risks - they boggle my mind!  I demand a focus group. I want experts with $100,000 taxpayer-financed salaries to come up with a thousand new rules to protect me from myself.

Actually, in trying to control all the little risks, we fall to the biggest risks: losing perspective and losing our edge. The Department of Energy already burdens the labs with so many beaurocratic distractions that it hinders our mission of protecting America.  What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?

Nathan Currier

 

When we asked for permission to reprint his letter here, Mr. Currier added:

In fact, the lab is so proud of this program they even did a press release for it:

http://www.lanl.gov/news/index.php?fuseaction=nb.story&story_id=8915&nb_date=2006-09-01

Comments

[Clean Hands]

Your tax dollars at rest.

[Matt]

The link doesn't work...

[Clean Hands]

Working linky thing.

[24]

what the....this is crazy...did he have to take his hand off the handrail to accept the candy bar? If he already had something in his hand and then had to use the other hand to hold the candy bar, isn't that causing an unsafe environment?

Am I over-thinking this whole thing?

[Annie Where-but-here]

But it's a Mr. Goodbar!

[Kathybear]

From the picture shown, you get them from an attractive co-worker standing at the top of the steps with a basket of miniature candy bars with the cute little sticker shown on them - the candy bars, not the co-workers....

[Mike Antonucci]

There is no doubt about what I do: Accept the candy bar, open it in front of the smiling employees, begin to eat it, then pretend I was choking.

[Punkin Poo]

They SHOULD be handing you a sanitary wipe. THEN a candy bar. THEN they cancel your insurance due to increased risk for diabetes.

Clever evil company.

[Clean Hands]

Don't forget to fall down the stairs while you choke on their st00pid candy bar.

[24]

what if you're allergic to peanuts? Insensitive HR dept.

[Siouxie]

Isn't the point to USE the handrails?? Who's the moron thrill seeker that doesn't?

maybe I'm confuzzled...or in need of a goodbar!

[Annie Where-but-here]

When I sue from slipping on a candy wrapper left on the stairs....cha-ching!

[Mike Antonucci]

A better move would be to put this guy at the foot of the stairs with a sign that reads, "I didn't use the handrail."

[Annie Where-but-here]

whoops - sorry CH - you beat me to it.

[mudstuffin]

"What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?"

You can bet that some pointy-headed weasels are working on a training program right now, in several languages but also in pictures so you won't have to be able to read any of them and a whole separate-but-equal program for the "differently abled" and then we'll have to retrofit a couple of thousand government buildings a cost of billions because it will be discovered that none of them comply with the federally mandated 6 1/2" maximum riser height using only environmentally friendly materials (straw) that has been treated with chemicals to make it non-combustible which will turn out to cause cancer in lab rats and will have to be abated by men in space suits following OSHA guidelines and making a "prevailing wage" and then replaced with ramps which take up eight times the space of staircases, which will cost more billions and will be made out of dirt with grass growing on them and then mold will start growing on the railings BANG!

my head exploded. Ow. Gimme a gumball.

[Clean Hands]

Mud, I think I'll join you in that gumball. Glum gumballs WBAGNFA Emo RG.

[Clean Hands]

Glumballs, on the other hand, WBAGNFA Red Sox fan club.

[Chaz]

I like "a$$-bars"

[Annie Where-but-here]

I hope they put up some instructions I can read while I'm tripping down the stairs because I was reading the instructions instead of looking where I was going and I really need to switch to decaf this morning but someone left the cake out in the rain and I'll never have that recipe again.

[clark kent]

Pavlov used the same theory to get the dog to ring the bell, didn't he? You reward positive behavior (like using the guard rail) with a candy bar.

Likewise, those caught not using the handrails should be given an electrical shock or maybe whacked in the head with a baseball bat as negative reinforcement....

Makes perfect sense to me.

[queensbee]

and dont forget to throw the wrapper on the floor. sad to report - i work for the government.

[Clean Hands]

AWBH, nice job sneaking that vile earworm in there.

[Beppie]

What, they're not handing out condoms? STupid government!

[Clean Hands]

*slips Annie an earworm-filled gumball*

[Annie Where-but-here]

Beppie - working for the government automatically takes you out of the gene pool.

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Mud
That is WAY to true. Can we start applying Negative Reinforcement to the stupid politicians (sorry that's repetitively redundant) who enact this cr@p?

[lynn]

please understand, this is at LOS ALAMOS!!

[Mike Antonucci]

Hey queensbee, we ALL work for the government for almost half the year.

[Meditrina]

Are these the same folks that decided swings on playgrounds were too dangerous?

Everyone walks in front of a swing...... Once.
Duh!

[wench]

sigh, Mike, I remember when it fell in May

[Clean Hands]

That stat doesn't even include the cost of regulations imposed on the economy and individuals.

Here, I've got a whol bag of glum gumballs to hand around.

[twodogsbarking]

I sent this to a risk group list I belong to. Boy, they'll snork over it, that's for sure.

[Clean Hands]

I guess my "e" went to the "e-rate" tax.

[Olo Baggins of Bywater]

I'd use the elevator to avoid these people.

[Clean Hands]

OBoB, they've got people with mandatory gym memberships lying in wait on the elevators.

[sweetybird]

Only use of the handrail was specified, not what to use it for. Why be content with the usual trudge up the stairs, hand on the rail? Doubtless the perverts creative types can contribute a few ideas.

[Clean Hands]

Good point, sweetybird. If I mount the rail and slide down it, do I get a candy bar?

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Besides sitting on it to slide down?

[sweetybird]

Weren't the candy bar minions at the top of the stairs? So you'd have to mount and slide up to get the candy. So to speak.

[Clean Hands]

DPC, a psychic brokeback simul! Does this mean that we're going steady?

[Clean Hands]

That sounds risky, sweetybird. Splinters. Ouch.

[wench]

I'm pretty creative and I have to say I'm drawing a blank aside from sliding down the rail

[Siouxie]

CH, I believe yer dangly bits may hurt some...just sayin'

I propose we trip those perky sugar dealers down the stairs and steal the candy *eg™*

[crossgirl]

hey, the point is, they're giving away free candy bars! i'd be up and down the stairs all day, hands firmly clasped around rail.

[Artchick]

What happens if you get a paper cut from the safety label attached to the candy bar?

[Clean Hands]

I'd look down at the cut, look up at the toadies, and shout, "I'm RICH!!!"

[Siouxie]

sweetybird, that sounds like WAY too much trouble and effort to get a lousy piece of candy or a little enjoyment (IYKWIM).

[Siouxie]

but...a simul with CH here...now THAT's worth it :-)~ (smokin')

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Sorry CH your not my type.

"It was an accident. I didn't even know it was loaded."

What else can we do with those handrails...
We could tear them down, cut them into pieces and use those pieces to either crucify or impale the safety committee.

{idiots at work - take a deep breath...}

[Clean Hands]

Thanks for that, Siouxie! I feel much more secure now.

[sweetybird]

1) Hanging from it like a sloth
2) Sitting on the stairs, feet on the handrail
3) (For the very talented only) Walking on hands, feet (or knees) on the rail
4) Bent over, forehead on rail
5) Or tongue

[Clean Hands]

Oh, fine, "DP" Chris. Be all choosy and stuff like that.

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

The only requirement I have is that there be a socket and not a plug.

[Clean Hands]

*snork*

[Siouxie]

*hands DP Chris an extension chord*

for your plug?

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

I don't generally need an extension cord...

Plus, extension cords have a plug on one end and a socket on the other. Are you providing the socket.

An electrical cable with two plugs (usually used by idiots to connect a portable generator to their house's electrical system) is called a "suicide wire". Just sayin.

[chesbn]

This is decidedly unfunny, but I also work for a major government laboratory, and just underwent safety training yesterday- the darned stairs are the LEAST of our worries. Is this where my money goes?

However, the training officers did give us candy for coming, so maybe they have something here...

[Annie Where-but-here]

But it's a Mr. Goodbar....
I'm still waiting for mine.

[Miss Chevious]

"You can bet that some pointy-headed weasels are working on a training program right now, in several languages but also in pictures so you won't have to be able to read any of them and a whole separate-but-equal program for the "differently abled" and then we'll have to retrofit a couple of thousand government buildings a cost of billions because it will be discovered that none of them comply with the federally mandated 6 1/2" maximum riser height using only environmentally friendly materials (straw) that has been treated with chemicals to make it non-combustible which will turn out to cause cancer in lab rats and will have to be abated by men in space suits following OSHA guidelines and making a "prevailing wage" and then replaced with ramps which take up eight times the space of staircases, which will cost more billions and will be made out of dirt with grass growing on them and then mold will start growing on the railings BANG!

my head exploded. Ow. Gimme a gumball."

Mud,

Stop! I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard!

Miss C.

[Jazzzz]

DPChris....I need to get glasses. I was in mourning as at first glance I thought you had changed to "Dead" Pirate Chris. Glad your still with us.

Meditrina... Ms.Jazzzz(whose mother is Trina) Is a landscape architect who quit designing school playgrounds years ago because of liability suits.

[Siouxie]

DP Chris, I wasn't implying your need for an extension only merely providing a bit of distance between you and CH on that brokeback moment...

(he seems to be disappointed at your lack of excitement)(just sayin')

*hides socket*

[Jazzzz]

*snork* @ AWBH ...of course

[Siouxie]

Annie, when you find yours?? let me know...

*sigh*

[Beppie]

Annie, I hadn't thought of the Government/gene pool connection, but I guess you are right! And Crossgirl, I'm with you! Free chocolate is never ever bad chocolate.

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Who wants to join my revolution? I'm fighting for the freedom to be stupid if I want to.
I want the wearing of my seat belt to be optional.
I don't want to have to use the hand rail.
I want my kids to be able to play on a swingset in the schoolyard.

[Beppie]

Correction: Unless it comes from a creepy stalker guy. Then it is officially "creepy chocolate", and inedible.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Beppie - be careful - what if they were government terrorists armed with chocolate-covered spinach?

(And yes, I need to take a break.)

[Clean Hands]

*snork* @ Siouxie.

Just saying that if we're going to do a psychic simul, there really ought to be some recognition of that. No, I don't swing that way. NTTAWWT, but it ain't my thing.

[Clean Hands]

Rats. *tosses stalker chocolate* So close.

[Clean Hands]

DPC, we'll have to start with the ambulance-chasing lawyers. Since they often move on to public "service," that ought to actually do a lot to reduce the problem, right there.

[Siouxie]

Oh I KNOW, CH!! Tu eres MUY MACHO!!!

*wink* you know I love ya...smooooooooooooch!

[Siouxie]

*takes off bra and burns it*

YES! that's what I'm talking about!! A revolution!

[24]

jeez, Siouxie, you're gonna start a bonfire!

[Siouxie]

24,aren't we revolting? (not REVOLTING as in EWWWW) and isn't the bra the first thing we wanna get rid of??

[Clean Hands]

¡Viva la revolucion! *smooooches!*

[24]

hey, since I found the perfect bra at VS, I'm keeping those puppies up.

I'll be happy to revolt against dieting (throws low fat food into the fire)

[Siouxie]

hmm I need to get that bra! (for after the revolution, of course).

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Shakespear, right?
"Kill all the lawyers"

We'll save El, though.

[Clean Hands]

*prefers the "revolutionary" look, personally*

[Siouxie]

DP Chris, I hope that plug had protection...

CH, anything to free the puppies huh??

[Clean Hands]

*picketing*

"Free the puppies! Free the puppies!"

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

Yes, of course.
I'm always safe - when I know its loaded.

[Wyo Cowboy]

Dread Pirate Chris, have you ever listened to Brad Stine? He's been leading a revolution just like yours for years. Says, "cars are too safe" (all the stupid drivers survive. wants to get rid of airbags and make dash boards metal again.

[DavetheRed]

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

[Clean Hands]

DavetheRed, you trying to undermine romantic men everywhere???

[Wyo Cowboy]

and the average insect has .00034 oz of chocolate on his @ss.

[Beppie]

Annie, if it were chocolate, I would take that chance.

[DavetheRed]

Heee Heee

[Stevie W]

Look at the wrapper on that Goodbar. Looks like a leftover from Halloween 1996.

[The Dread Pirate Chris]

No, but now that I have, I'll be adding his DVDs to my Xmas list.

It's not that I think cars are too safe. It's that I want to choose how safe I want to be at any given time.

Jump off a bridge with a giant rubber band tied to my ankle? Not today, thank. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet? Sure, sign me up.

[CandyT]

It's all a publicity gimmick by Hershey.

[Siouxie]

uh...thanks DavetheRed...really

*goes and pukes her hersheys mini-bar*

[Jazzzz]

Are these chihuahua puppies or my stiff mastiff puppies? Not that it matters. I like all puppies.

[Siouxie]

Jazzzzie!! careful where you aim that maSTIFF!!

*wink*

[wench]

Jazzz - Chihuahua puppies don't need anything to hold them up

[DavetheRed]

Sorry y'all, was an obscure factoid i read somewhere, and seemed related to the subject...

[Clean Hands]

Chihuahua puppies are waaaay cuter than mastiff puppies.

[Clean Hands]

And a full-grown mastiff is just a scary beast.

[azred]

sorry - back on topic for just a minute ...

I've worked for the Dept of the Army for almost 22 years as a civilian. among our fun "safety training days" we've had...

1. how to safely plug in your christmas tree lights! (they wouldn't release us for holiday break until we watched the video AND passed the written test!) since this was in germany in the middle of winter, they paired it with "drown-proofing", which had it's own written test.

2. drivers safety day - they pulled over all motorcyclists coming in the gate, plus every 3rd car. I rode my bike in that morning just to be contrary. at the checkpoint, I got chewed out because my motorcycle safety rider's course card (mandatory to ride on post) was only a year old. they were still snarky to me after I explained I'd only been riding a year, so it couldn't be any older. after more hassle and inspection, they let me proceed. I SLOWLY pulled out, and almost got plastered by some yae hoo driving a jacked up big wheel truck, who was speeding through the parking lot and not paying attention. outside of the fact that my funeral would have been 50 years sooner than I had planned, it would have been hilarious to have so badly ruined their safety day.

ok / end of on topic nonsense

[Siouxie]

Mine are chihuaha pups...which is OK with me..wouldn't want Droopy(s)...

dogs right?