Dave Barry's Blog: PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE

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August 28, 2006

PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE

Posted by Dave on August 28, 2006 at 01:06 PM | Permalink

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Ahhhhh

Posted by: Mrs.Wheezer | August 28, 2006 at 01:08 PM

First?! Little ole me?

Can I add a couple more people to that roster?

Posted by: Mrs.Wheezer | August 28, 2006 at 01:09 PM

As long as it is not televised, I'm all for it. I have no desire to watch Paris sh!t herself, though.

Posted by: kitten | August 28, 2006 at 01:10 PM

didn't jim henson already do this? wait, no, that was pigs in space.

Posted by: crossgirl | August 28, 2006 at 01:11 PM

Well, I always suspected she was from another planet. It's about time someone took her home.

Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | August 28, 2006 at 01:11 PM

Is there a fund we can contribute to to make sure this comes true? And is the rocket gonna come back down again? 'Cos if it is, I ain't interested.

Posted by: artchick | August 28, 2006 at 01:14 PM

crossgirl - And the difference is....?

Posted by: Punkin Poo | August 28, 2006 at 01:14 PM

On a serious, science-y note: I wonder what will happen when the vacuum of space meets the vacuum of Paris' cranium?

Posted by: Punkin Poo | August 28, 2006 at 01:17 PM

we have docked and we're
flying on full impulse power
weightless with paris

skank or no skank, dudes
brainless and full of herself
just let me at her

just one request though,
in order to ah, perform
none of her music

Posted by: mudstuffin | August 28, 2006 at 01:17 PM

Wouldn't it be her diaper that is full of herself?

Posted by: Clean Hands | August 28, 2006 at 01:19 PM

Ah, the iconic Yoko Ono of the current decade wants to be blasted into space. Accidents happen occasionally. We can on;y hope.

Posted by: pogo | August 28, 2006 at 01:20 PM

Punkin, I think it'll be like the BIG (BLONDE) BANG theory...

KABOOOOOM!!

Posted by: Siouxie | August 28, 2006 at 01:22 PM

nature abhors a vacuum.

Posted by: pepe | August 28, 2006 at 01:25 PM

Apparently, Richard doesn't know that you hardly have to nickname it your "Virgin Enterprise Rocket" to get Paris on it...

Posted by: Christobol | August 28, 2006 at 01:25 PM

Paris can take her black hole back into the depths of space for all I care...

did I say that aloud?

Ground Control to Paris Hitlon, can you hear us Paris Hilton?...because we cant hear you and we love it!

Posted by: Chaz | August 28, 2006 at 01:30 PM

I think she misunderstood the word shuttlecock.

Posted by: Stevie W | August 28, 2006 at 01:31 PM

In space no one can hear you skank.

Should there be a comma after 'you'?

Posted by: fivver | August 28, 2006 at 01:33 PM

Reality is nowhere near her concept of anything.

Posted by: MOTW | August 28, 2006 at 01:34 PM

"Skinny Sluts in Space" WBAGNFA really bad 50s B-movie.

Posted by: WriterDude | August 28, 2006 at 01:34 PM

I can see it now...

ENTERPRISE: Houston, we have a problem. We have a main bus B undervolt. We've got a lot of thruster activity here, Houston.

HOUSTON: What's the story with the computer now?

ENTERPRISE: It just went off line. Oh, there's another master alarm, Houston. I'm checkin' the Quad...that was no repress valve.

PARIS: And tell him my hair dryer is on the fritz!

Posted by: Christobol | August 28, 2006 at 01:35 PM

wouldn't a space shuttle run by Virgin just automatically eject her or something?

fox ontrol to paris h.
fox control to paris h.
Put your lipstick down and put your Depends on
comencing countdown engines on
we've got some cue cards if you get tripped up again!

(voiceover of Paris saying "ten,...uhh, nine,...eight , that's hot...")

this is fox control to paris h
you've really paid to play
and bill o'reilly wants to know just what you wear
now it's time to wave to earth (it's over there!)
this is paris h to fox control
i'm not sticking to the floor
and i'm getting the most peculiar stares
probly 'cause i'm not wearing underwear!

i'm here
just a reg'lar outer space skank
far above nicole
planet earth is blue
i've run out of men to s***w

though it's cost one hundred thousand clams
i'll just make a new CD
what's an 'air lock' do?, i want to know...
tell my fans i'll be in re-runs (they know!)

fox control to paris h.
your circuit's dead , are you getting it on?
can you hear us paris h?
can you hear us paris h?
can you hear? (repeat chorus)...

you've

Posted by: insomniac | August 28, 2006 at 01:35 PM

Emission control, we have a problem.

Posted by: Stevie W | August 28, 2006 at 01:35 PM

Way to go, insom.

Posted by: Stevie W | August 28, 2006 at 01:37 PM

Earwig Alert: I Love Paris by Nat "King" Cole

Every time she looks down on our sad, pathetic town
whether blue or green may be her eyes
Though loud be our cheers, for her rents in arrears,
more and more do I realize:
(that)
We hate Paris in her diapers.
We hate Paris in free-fall.
We hate Paris when she drizzles,
Leaking on re-entry makes things sizzle.

We hate Paris every moment,
every moment of the year.
We hate Paris, why, oh why do we hate Paris?
Because her actions sort of scare us!

Posted by: PirateBoy | August 28, 2006 at 01:39 PM

Virgin Enterprise rocket

WTF?!?

Wouldn't it be her diaper that is full of herself?

*snork* @ CH!

Posted by: southerngirl | August 28, 2006 at 01:39 PM

oooh...a simul with PirateBoy...was it good for you, PB? ;)

Posted by: southerngirl | August 28, 2006 at 01:41 PM

BRAVO and hearty *SNORK* @ insom!!

Posted by: Siouxie | August 28, 2006 at 01:41 PM

I thought the cow already jumped over the moon.

Posted by: Stevie W | August 28, 2006 at 01:41 PM

Insom, that was perfect!!! I was thinking the same exact song. :-D

Posted by: Clean Hands | August 28, 2006 at 01:42 PM

here's some more Paris news

Posted by: rickh | August 28, 2006 at 01:43 PM

Maybe she wants to find out for herself if "Stars Are Blind". I just hope they boil her before they let her on the shuttle. (The first to be decontaminated BEFORE launch...)

Posted by: baligurl | August 28, 2006 at 01:44 PM

Is Paris afterburning?

Posted by: Stevie W | August 28, 2006 at 01:46 PM

Don't tell me SOMEONE here hasn't made the "Moon Over Paris" comment yet.

Posted by: blurk | August 28, 2006 at 01:52 PM

Oh dear god no, blurk.

We've all (those of us who sometimes follow ambiguously-labeled links, at least) already seen Paris' moon.

Posted by: Clean Hands | August 28, 2006 at 01:53 PM

(voiceover of Paris saying "ten,...uhh, nine,...eight , that's hot...")

snoooooorrrkkkk!

Posted by: Chaz | August 28, 2006 at 01:53 PM

No, no, no. Branson misunderstood. He thought she said "Hey, Dick, I'd like to see Uranus sometime."

Posted by: Stevie W | August 28, 2006 at 01:55 PM

Paris does Pluto...

Can we just leave here up there???

Posted by: Siouxie | August 28, 2006 at 01:58 PM

Awww, man, Siouxie. Can't we leave Mickey's dog out of this?

Talk about your ambiguously-labeled links...

Posted by: Clean Hands | August 28, 2006 at 02:12 PM

Geezer Joke: Mickey is suing Minnie for divorce. The judge looks up from the paperwork and says, "Mr. Mouse, I understand what a burden it must be but here in Florida the fact your wife is insane is not a ground for divorce."

"What insane?" replies Mickey, "I said she was effing Goofy."

Posted by: fivver | August 28, 2006 at 02:16 PM

The Mercury program was over.
4 years later Gus Grissom was killed along with astronauts White and Chaffey when fire swept through their Appolo capsule. But on this glorious day in May 1963 Gordo Cooper went higher, farther and faster 23 complete orbits around the Earth he was the last American ever to go into space alone but for one breif shining moment Gordo Cooper became the greatest pilot anyone had ever seen.

I dont know why this story made me think of the The Right Stuff as Paris definetly does not have it but man that is a great movie.

Posted by: Addicted to 24 | August 28, 2006 at 02:21 PM

Paris Hilton stars in "The Wrong Stuff"...

Apollo 69

Posted by: Chaz | August 28, 2006 at 02:28 PM

snorks @ Chris

Posted by: Addicted to 24 | August 28, 2006 at 02:34 PM

snork@chaz. dunno if Paris will actually need her diaper, but there is no doubt, K-Fed would. He pisses his pants for anything.

Posted by: Brad | August 28, 2006 at 02:38 PM

Cher's son is apparently one class act.

Posted by: Betsi | August 28, 2006 at 02:59 PM

Yeah, a real brainiac, too. Tilex?

No, man, that's why you stock up on bleach...

Posted by: Clean Hands | August 28, 2006 at 03:08 PM

The link to the additional paris story had two interesting tidbits in it:
1) Apparently, it's abuse if you tape an alligator's mouth shut while taking a picture with it. Wouldn't it be a little more harsh if you killed the beast to get the picture? nail polish remover will take off the extra adhesive.
2) K-Fed got good scores on his standarized tests? That just goes to show that those things are not representative of what kids are learning.

Posted by: MaryG | August 28, 2006 at 03:13 PM

"...but I don't think she's done the research - the reality may not be her idea of fun."

Paris didn't research? Ya think?! I doubt she even knows what a library, let alone a book is.

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn | August 28, 2006 at 03:13 PM

I have no problem with sending her to space....just returning.

Posted by: Marine6 | August 28, 2006 at 03:27 PM

S-Girl;

I really expected the engines to fire longer, sorry!

Let's do launch!

Posted by: PirateBoy | August 28, 2006 at 03:34 PM

Hey, it's better than using chimpanzees as test subjects.....

Posted by: Meanie the Blue | August 28, 2006 at 03:38 PM