HEADLINE OF THE EVENING SO FAR
No, we don't know what it means. We just like the sound of it.
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August 31, 2006
AWWW, C'MON, WE PROMISED NOT TO MAKE FUN OF 'EM.
(Thanks to DavCat)
ATTENTION, STUDENTS LOOKING FOR CAREERS IN AN EXCITING A GROWING A FIELD.
Consider Meat Science.
(Thanks to Schadeboy)
THIS SEEMS TOO WEIRD TO BE TRUE, EVEN FOR MR. TOM CRUISE
But people keep sending it in, so in an effort to make them stop, we're linking to it. That is the kind of responsible fact-checking that makes this blog the trusted news source that this blog is.
ATTENTION, STUPID OUT-OF-SHAPE PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH MONEY
For $139.99 -- Less than $140! -- you can buy this thing, which will turn your TV off if you don't exercise hard enough.
(Via Gizmodo)
AMERICA'S COLLEGES
...where future leaders prepare for the challenges of tomorrow.
(You can participate.)
ERNESTO DEVASTATION UPDATE
South Florida continues to reel from the devastating devastation left behind by Former Potential Hurricane Ernesto, which was actually far worse than we thought, as can be seen in this actual photograph:
Please do not forget us.
A SHOUT-OUT TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE PARENTS OF GIRLS AGED ROUGHLY 6 THROUGH 12, WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN FORCED TO LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK TO HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SOMEWHERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF 863,000 TIMES
This blog feels your pain.
If you have never heard of High School Musical, be very, very grateful.
ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO, FOR LEGITIMATE FOOD REASONS, HAPPEN TO HAVE SQUIRREL TAILS LYING AROUND
Here is a golden opportunity.
Key Quote: Store in a freezer, salt the tail butt liberally and keep the flies away, the company says.
IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR NEW SNAKE-FREE POLICY
...we will not be lInking to this.
August 30, 2006
YOU ARE NOW FREE TO PANIC IN THE CABIN
(Thanks to Schadeboy, who notes that this is a snake-free item)
SOMEBODY STOP US! WE CAN'T HELP OURSELVES!
(Thanks to Zlotnick, Mike)
EMPLOYER SUPERVISORS CLASSY LABOR PRACTICE OF THE WEEK SO FAR
(Thanks to 24-aholic)
SNAKES ON A CRIME SPREE
(Thanks to Greg Anderson)
ATTENTION, SHOPLIFTERS
Key Quote: "All I want is the man who accidently put the penis pump up his jumper and left the store to come back and pay for it."
(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
THE HIGH PRICE OF GASOLINE
(Thanks to RussellMc)
BREAKING BARBIE UPDATE
Barbie has changed.
(Thanks to wolfie)
ATTENTION, PEOPLE PLANNING A VACATION IN SWITZERLAND
(Thanks to Schadeboy and many, many other cautious travelers)
FLORIDA...
BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN
Ohmigod this is SO amazing.
MMMMM
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
ATTENTION, GARAGE BANDS
You need a bigger garage.
(Via Gizmodo)
WHY WE NEED GUYS, REASON 2,038
Guys do what needs to be done.
(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)
BRAZILIAN ARTIST ENGAGES IN UN-AMERICAN ACTIVITY
(Thanks to queensbee)
DO NOT TRY THIS WITH EMINEM
How Carly Simon deals with stage fright.
(Thanks to 24-aholic)
ERNESTO DEVASTATION REPORT
After two solid days of girding for Former Potential Hurricane Ernesto, Floridians emerged from their homes this morning to find a devastating scene of devastation. Many sidewalks were dangerously wet. Locomotives had been tossed about as if they were toys.
Also many trees and utility poles were horizontal.
We definitely need federal assistance.
August 29, 2006
WE COULDN'T AGREE MORE
(Thanks again to DavCat)
MEANWHILE, IN NON-ERNESTO FLORIDA NEWS
A man has to stand up for his lawn-mowing skills.
(Thanks to DavCat)
URGENT BREAKING ERNESTO UPDATE
Ernesto has landed. This blog will hold out as long as it can.
FORMER POTENTIAL HURRICANE ERNESTO UPDATE
As we see in the 5 p.m. satellite-photo update, the situation is deteriorating rapidly.
FORMER POTENTIAL HURRICANE ERNESTO FORECAST UPDATE
WORD¹
(Thanks to DavCat)
¹Assuming that means something like "You got that right" or "Dig it" in this century.
IT'S PROBABLY TOO MUCH TO ASK, BUT...
Can we please not make a celebrity out of this creep? Please? Now that it's clear that he's just a creep and he had nothing to do with anything? Can we forget him? Do we have to use him as an excuse to wallow?
Yeah, I know. It's too much to ask.
AND THE "SNAKES-(PREPOSITION)-A-(NOUN)" ITEM FOR TODAY IS...
GIRDING UPDATE
Here in South Florida we are continuing to gird for Tropical Wave Tropical Storm Hurricane Tropical Storm Moth Fart Tropical Storm Potential Hurricane Ernesto. We are so girded that our loins ache. The TV people are already hoarse from standing outside gas stations, supermarkets, Home Depots, massage parlors, etc. informing us that we are all girding. On the fuel front, every man, woman, child and household pet in Florida currently possesses -- counting vehicle tanks, generators, and gas cans for generators -- at least 350 gallons of gasoline. God help us if anybody in this state lights a match. Here in Miami-Dade County school has been canceled until Halloween, just in case.
In case you were wondering -- and we know you were -- Walter is ready:
August 28, 2006
24
Here is where we stand:
Agent Jack Bauer is still being held prisoner aboard a Chinese freighter, where he is undergoing brutal torture in the form of being forced to wear a suit while holding some kind of weird-ass Tinker Bell statuette. Audrey is beside herself with grief. Edgar is still dead. Meanwhile Hurricane Tropical Storm Ernesto appears to be taking a dangerous path. Everybody should remain calm. We now turn you over to the amazing Steve, who will amaze you.
WHO SAYS PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES?
CREEPING FASCISM IN BRITAIN
Now they want to ban one of mankind's most fundamental human rights.
IT'S REALLY RELAXING, EXCEPT FOR THE CRABS
Anyone for a nice seaweed bath?
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS
Now they're using giant burritos.
(Thanks to horde of alert people, led by DavCat14)
Update: After reading the comments, this blog decided to actually read the story, and it turns out to have been written in, like, 1953. This blog apologizes to anybody who was unnecessarily alarmed by the giant-burrito threat.
FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSES WILL BE SENT
...to the woman and the dog.
(Thanks to, according to judi, "one million people")
YOUR DAILY SNAKE FEATURE
GIRDING FOR ERNESTO
So now the weather shmexperts are telling us that Tropical Storm Hurricane Tropical Storm Ernesto, which was originally going to strike Guam or someplace, is now probably going to strike us, which makes us wonder what kind of forecasting technology they are using. In any event, here in South Florida we have gone into Panic Consumption Mode. After dropping the little blogette off at school, this blog went to wait in a line to buy gasoline, then another line to get cash from the ATM machine, then to the supermarket, which was jammed with anxious consumers who are grabbing pretty much everything they can find on the shelves, including dead cockroaches. Many vital supplies are already gone. To cite one chilling example: All they had left was low-fat Cheez-Its. Yes. It is a nightmare.
I heard many people on cell phones talking to loved ones at home who did not seem to understand the gravity of the situation ("No, listen, I'm, telling you there IS no Starkist packed in water! Only Starkist packed in oil!"). Canned tuna is one of the things we South Floridians always buy in preparation for hurricanes. We never actually eat it, but we have canned-tuna collections dating back to 1983.
All the white bread is gone. I heard two moms, each pushing a shopping cart containing enough food to feed Belgium for a month, discussing this:
MOM ONE: My kids will NOT eat anything but white bread.
MOM TWO: Just get the seven-grain and toast it. They can't tell if it's toasted.
MOM ONE: You think they're that stupid?
MOM TWO: Mine are.
Anyway, this blog is home now, girding for Ernesto. We will try to keep you informed, at least as long as our beer supplies hold out.