SUPERMARKET TIP FOR THE DAY

No matter how long the other cashier lines are, never, ever, ever, EVER get behind a person who is using coupons to purchase cat food. EVER EVER.

This has been your Supermarket Tip for the Day.

UPDATE: EVER.

Comments

[Juggler of Geese]

Story of my life Dave. It does not matter how short the line is.

[angene15]

me-OW!

[24-aholic]

Happy to be first in line. You can get behind me, I do not own a cat

[CoastRaven]

Noone sets out to become the strange cat lady who lives on the hill, but the position is always filled.

[Sarah J]

I will never be a "cat lady," I'm highly allergic to being weird (and to cats)

[Lorrie]

Tip from me: Never change lines! If you do your old line's idiot cashier will go on break and be replaced with an efficient one. Meanwhile the person now in front of you will put the cash in their hand back in their pocket and whip out a check book and some expired coupons that they will complain about.

[Sarah J]

Still in line, eh, Dave?

[blurkernomore]

Coupons are bad enough, but what really drives me nuts is someone who uses a debit card to pay for a 59 cent item. I feel like sayin, "Man, I'll give you a dollar just get out of the way."

[Annie Where-but-here]

Careful, Dave - that might be the owner of Lewis the Attack Cat from Hell. Leave your Avon Lady outfit at home.

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

ESPECIALLY if the person is also buying Kitty Booze, and the cashier has to check the Florida driver's licenses of each individual cat...

[Laura]

My pet peeve is the express lane. I actually have the crazy idea that you should count your items before you use it.

I hate having a lousy gallon of milk AND the cash pay for it and being in the behind the soccer mom with with three-months worth of groceries (and coupons for all but the fabric softener, which she is SURE is in the bottom of her purse - hang on a sec while she looks for it) or the crazy old biddy with 563 cans of Mr. Whiskers cat food (in all 400 flavors - unsorted - necessitating individual scanning) because, hey, it's just one item, right?

[Annie Where-but-here]

...and they think it's on sale for 2 cents less, but it's not, but they figure if they stand there looking stupid long enough, the cashier will give it to them anyway.

Nope, never happened to me.

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

I'm not trying to be sexist, but its been my experience that if I have one or two items and there's a woman in line in front of me with a month's worth of groceries, she never thinks to ask "Would you like to cut in front of me?" Men, however, just about always ask if I'd like to cut in front of them if they have alot of groceries.

Never mind why I only buy one or two items at a time.

[Addicted to 24]

Also never ever get in the shortest line at the Costco as the person in front of you will have take forever and your family will call the cops and report you missing.

[Kat]

Hey, I use cat food coupons. I'm feeling picked upon.

[«LabSpecimen»]

What if ALL I'm buying is one bag of cat food, I have my member card in my hand, cash in hand, AND the coupon ready? And I'm wearing running shoes. And I've drank seventeen cups of coffee so I'm hyped up AND I have to pee. Would you get in line behind me then?

Ha! Fooled you! I'm also wearing that thing that lets me pee into a bag on my leg and the cashier is my SISTER and we need to CATCH UP! Ha ha ha ha!

[Schadeboy]

This wasn't at a Wal-Mart, was it, Dave?

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

*BWAHAHA* @ Lab!

[Jeff Meyerson]

PegLegPete: good oint. I always offer to let people with a couple of items get in front of me, even if I don't have a huge amount myself. I figure karma.

What I hate is the woman who stands there while the cashier rings up her 4,000 items (including the aforementioned unsorted cans of cat food) and then, just as you're thinking you may not have to blow your brains out after all, starts searching through her bag for the itty bitty purse that has the money.

Yes lady, you DO have to pay for those groceries. This is NOT Supermarket Sweep!!!

[Sallyacious]

I would just like to take a moment to stand up for the ladies. I am one. I do offer to let people who have only a couple of items in front of me when I have more. I have also, however, been pushed out of the way by men who have, based on the contents of their shopping carts, an urgent appointment with their beer.

[nannie]

Giving another talk, Dave?

[slyeyes]

I'm with Sallyacious -- I let in ANYONE, regardless of gender, if they only have a few items.

Chivalry is not gender-specific

[Susy]

Pete,

I have often asked people behind me if they'd like to cut in front of me when they only have a few items. Some of us women ARE thoughtful shoppers :)

[«LabSpecimen»]

I always offer to let a woman go in front of me, even if she has more items than I do. If she's hot, I mean. And if she's willing to trade for sexual favors.

[«LabSpecimen»]

Tamara, wanna get in line in front of me? *nudge* *nudge*

[Sarah J]

Me too! Especially if the person with a few items has a whiny child along. I'd much rather they go first with their few items than have the child screaming behind me the entire time my groceries are being rung up (I only shop once a week, so I usually have quite a few items)

[Jeff Meyerson]

Ha! Fooled you! I'm also wearing that thing that lets me pee into a bag on my leg and the cashier is my SISTER and we need to CATCH UP! Ha ha ha ha!

Lab, so that was you in the post office this morning! This guy didn't seem to mind the dozen people waiting at 8:30 - most of them in a hurry to get to work - as he shared delightful bon mots about retirement and his grandchildren with the clerk. The clerk didn't mind either.

[Annie Where-but-here]

I ALWAYS let Lab go ahead of me. I do NOT want that guy behind me, IYKWIM.

[Dave]

nannie -- Nope. Just trying to buy some Cheez-Its.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Peg, tho', seriously, I let people go ahead of me all the time. A couple of times I've even paid for an elderly person ahead of me who was just buying a couple of things and was obviously on a fixed income. Made their day! Remember, just because they're buying cat food doesn't mean they have a cat. :(

[«LabSpecimen»]

Dave - go back! You forgot the beer!

[Boo Augustus]

Yeah, but even worse is the hippy chick who decided to use the self check-out lane for all of her 4,000 items then takes forever trying to bag them just so in her recycled, hemp shopping bag.

Come on lady, there are paid professionals with cheap disposable plastic bags who could get you through much faster. I've got three bananas, a half gallon of lactose free milk, some tuna steaks and a pound of mixed greens rotting back here.

[angene15]

Wow. That's about the most depressing statement I've heard today.

[Betsi]

A) I would like to know why my local grocery store is always so crowded at 10 PM.
B) Earlier this week, I watched a guy's grocery bill go down from $170 to about $90 just with the coupons he used. It took forever, but come on, the guy cut his bill in half, that's impressive.
C) The cashier proceeded to comment on things I was buying, including "those will look pretty in your hair" (headbands) and "I need some of these, because I'm going into massage therapy" (scented candle). To make the picture more amusing, he was a hefty black guy. However, I did once work as a grocery cashier for 6 days before getting fired (don't ask), so I do understand the need to break the monotony.
D) I would like to close by pointing out that "Good oint" (see Jeff's comment) WBAGNFARB.

[Allen at Division]

LAW #1 WHEN I'M IN CHARGE:

Any purchase under $5 MUST be made in CASH! No credit cards, checks, FEMA cards, debit cards, money orders, two-party checks, mah-jongg coins, or ANYTHING.

Anyone violating this law is to be put into a separate line with Edgar as the cashier. Yes, he's still dead--how do you like it NOW, Mr. Forty-Nine Cent Check Man?!?...

[Annie Where-but-here]

angene15 - sorry. I will try to be more snork-worthy the rest of the day.

[Matt]

Hefty man in massage therapy? More of those are needed. Very few women have the hand size and strength needed to cause the pain I like from a massage, unless you count needle like bones poking me.

[LadyBug]

*snork!* at Tamara's Kitty Booze comment

[queensbee]

i try to avoid the little ole lady line, but above all, the crazed woman with 3 children under the age of 5 line. i dont care if they are buying caviar. i'm not going to get on that line. i dont care about the coupons. we have a do it yourself checkout line here that is starting to get popular.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Remember, just because they're buying cat food doesn't mean they have a cat. :(

Special kudos for annie.

Betsi, loved the clerk commenting on your scented candles. I'm glad that's all he had to comment on.

Very few women have the hand size and strength needed to cause the pain I like from a massage, unless you count needle like bones poking me.

Uh, TMI, Matt.

If you think Allen is kidding I had a guy buying just a small box of cereal with a debit card the other day. I felt like saying, "at least get some milk and fruit with that, doofus," but I guess those were for the next trip.

[Susy]

The next TWO trips Jeff.

What about the ones that leave the line to get that ONE item they forgot and can not possibly live without???? And they're right in front of you about to PAY!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[catman]

If I'm gonna wait in line, I get behind a beautiful woman vs. the trashcan-shaped ones. If I gotta wait, I may as well have some decent scenery!

[Peg Leg Pete, CPA]

Thanks for giving me hope, ladies. It's nice to know that you're out there.

[Paul]

I'd like to point out that I can pay with my debit card faster than with cash. The times that I do pay with cash at the supermarket, I usually have to wait for the cashier to go to the manager and get more fives or something.

[Mad Scientist]

It isn't the ladies fault it is the stores. I have two cats and I have to buy catfood on a regular basis. Sans coupons it still takes forever. I try to buy the multi can packs so there is only one barcode to ring up, but often these cases are sold out or absent from the store. I do sort my individual cans into stacks of identical cans, but the store insists that each can be scanned for "inventory control". How does your inventory change if you scan one can and hit x5 or if you scan 5 cans?

Dave I feel for your pain, but it isn't all the ladies fault.

[«LabSpecimen»]

Don't listen to Mad! Of course it's her fault! Why didn't she just get a pet dog like NORMAL people.

Oh wait... I hate dogs. Nevermind.

[Dr. Doug]

So it was you, Dave, who I saw yelling at that poor old lady with the cat food!!

[Guin]

Agree w/Mad. I buy my catfood at my local Petco, and I buy 3 of the same flavor for a total of 24 cans. They have to scan EACH CAN invidually and it takes forever. Sorry, people behind me, but not my fault!! If I was the one ringing it up, I'd swipe ONE can and X it by 24, but that's just me. I've asked them to do it that way but just get blank stares.

[clark kent]

For the record, I feed my cat people food. She eats whatever I'm eating, including french fries, vegetables, cheese, etc.

People are always telling me it's more healthy for cats to eat manufactured cat food, but my cat is 11 years old and still climbs trees and chases stuff (caught a lizard the other day), so I'm not buying that argument.

She probably wouldn't eat cat food anymore than I would....

[Suzy Q]

Betsi, I, too, hate it when the cashier and/or bag person comments on my purchases. These are private, people! Why do you CARE that I am here 3 times a week buying 2 gigantic bottles of red wine and a package of green beans??!! WHY?

[Annie Where-but-here]

Suzy, Betsi - maybe they're told to be 'friendly' with the customers, like they're told to make eye contact in the store.

[Mad Scientist]

Lab if I owned a dog I would have the same problem when buying cans of dog food!

[Cheryl]

Who knew cat food was the most contraversial topic you could address?

Back to politics, dammit!!

(My cats are liberals.)

*ducks*

[Brad]

UPDATE: EVER.

Dave, you're getting old. If the cashier is a hotty, this gives you three key opporetunities. (1) You can appreciate the eye candy for longer, perhaps 10-15 minutes if you are super lucky. (2) You can demonstrate supermale patience under the guise of absorbing eye candy for perhaps 10-15 minutes. (3) When it's your turn, you can demonstrate empathy by saying to the cashier, "you sure have a lot of patience with old cat people". 99% of the time, the payoff is that the cashier is as dumb as bricks or is dating the fat slob running the register at the next lane, but it still might be worth a shot.

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

Even worse than cashiers commenting on your purchases: new self-checkout machines that announce your purchases!

"Now please place the _Ice Cream_ into the bag."

Imagine the embarrassing possibilities: Midol! Herpesil! Immodium! Durex! Tampax! Fleet! Massengil!

[Suzy Q]

Dave, Dave, Dave....If you're in Publix, and you know you are, then just take your Cheez-Its, Lucky Charms and beer up to the customer service desk. Provided no one is making a Western Union transaction, you'll zip right through!

Brad: There ARE no hot cashiers at Publix.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Mad - dry food. It's what's for dinner. Big, big bag. Better for their teeth and your checkbook.

[Straw]

I buy big ole bags of Science Diet at Petsmart for the doggie and the kittie.

[Suzy Q]

Tamara: They really do that - announce your purchases? Cripes! I was all for it until that. It actually TELLS you to put your stuff in a bag? WTF? Do they think you're gonna shove your purchases in your armpits and head for the door?

It's bad enough now that Publix has these gigantic screens, that people can read from three lanes over, showing all your purchases. Verbal announcements would make me hire a personal shopper.

[«LabSpecimen»]

I had one of those machines that kept barking random orders at me. "Please place your item in the bag." "Please remove the item from the bag and rescan the item." "Please show your ID to the cashier." "Scan your Member Card Now." "Do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around." "Don't forget your cash and your receipt." "Don't forget to call your mother back when you get home." "Please hold me. We never snuggle anymore."

[eat_black_licorice]

I am laughing. Hard. At Dave. As I eat the cat food I bought this morning.

[Betsi]

Brad--where do you go that you have foxy cashiers?

I hate those self-checkout machines. They're always accusing me of not placing the item in the bag, when I clearly HAVE placed the item in the bag. Then I have to call a manager over to talk sense into it.

[angene15]

Major *snork* at Lab.

[Melissa]

Hmmph... I used to be a cashier at Publix and well... maybe I'm NOT hot, but it sure doesn't feel so nice to have it said just that way... *sniffle*

Now if you were to add a ps to your post... and say something like... all the hotties work in the produce department... then I might feel better about the whole thing.

:)

*still waiting for Dave to shop at my store*

ps: I like the new registers with the big lcd screens.

ps2: I am SO glad I am not still a cashier.

[Swish]

I've found myself argueing with the self checkout computer. All i wanted was 8 2-liter cokes for $10. I didn't want a bag for them, i'll keep them in the cart, scan the same coke 8 times, and walk out...

No. It's all: "Put the item in the bag." So i put it in the bag, and then take it out to rescan it to keep my system going, and the register freaks out "Place the item back in the bag." Then, to add insult, i have too many cokes to fit on the small bag placing counter... i have to move one of the bags off the bag placing counter(which is weight sensitive to ensure you placed and KEPT the item in the bag), and the machine freaks out AGAIN.

.... I wish that store was more like Wal-Mart(hold on while i wash my mouth with soap)......
....
....
....
Ok, back... at least they have a "skip bagging" button to ensure you don't kill yourself during the checkout process with the gun+bullets you purchased....

[Melissa]

Since we are complaining, let me just add...

I was on my lunch break the other day and I was in line to buy a Kit Kat bar... then this girl comes up, and around me and puts her stuff (tampons, and a few other items) on the belt in front of me... just totally passed me by.

I guess since I work there I can't be considered a human and courtesy is not something I have to be given.

[Suzy Q]

Oh, Melissa, the produce department TOTALLY has all the hotties! And some pretty nice green beans, too! ;)

[Melissa]

See... I feel much better about the whole thing now.

:)

[Suzy Q]

And, that is just SO wrong for someone to just bypass you like that. If you're in uniform, then you obviously work there. So, OBVIOUSLY you are on some sort of (probably short) break. Hell, I've let employees bypass ME.

[nannie]

**scratches "Cashier" off Post-Retirement Parttime Job list**

**adds Walmart Greeter **

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

There should be coupon-only lanes. That way the only people waiting would be the people who deserve it.

[Hanna]

Was in a grocery store last weekend. Man with a list obviously written by his wife asked for help with what in the heck kind of cake mix had pudding in the mix??? He was very relieved and grateful when our Grandma helped him, saying he was going to be a star when he got home. He came just short of flirting with her.

Maybe ladies should be careful about sending their guy to the store with a list, especially one they don't understand. Anybody who is that willing and anxious to please his spouse might be a good catch... For a lonely widow in the cake mix aisle.

[Mad Scientist]

Annie- Of course I buy dry food for the kitties and pooch, but they do enjoy the meaty gravy stuff on occasion. Anyhow my whole point is they should just scan one can and then hit x50 rather than scan each can.

[Eleanor]

I was in line at a grocery store that has self check-out the other day. I don't do it and was in line with about 8 or 9 items behind someone with lots of stuff, but I DIDN'T CARE!
The cashier suggested I go to self check-out. I said no, I don't mind waiting. After a couple of minutes we repeated the conversation. After a couple more minutes another cashier came by, grabbed my basket and told me we wer going to the self check-out but she would do all the work! and I wouldn't have to do anything. I tried to say no, but I lost.
So we went.
AND - I had to enter my zip code, slide my card and one other thing.
And when we were done, she said, "See, wasn't that fun!"

It was awful.

[Melissa]

But that would throw the inventory ALL out of whack!!!

.oO(I need a vacation...)

[Suzy Q]

*laughing at El's story*

[Melissa]

Uh... the scanning 1 and hitting x50 thing... :)

.oO(I also need to quote the people I'm replying to)

[KDF]

Lab - *snork, snork, snork, snork, snork, and SNORK*

Full disclosure to everyone: I am the person in front of you with $300 worth of groceries. Please don't hate me because my kids suck down food like parfait smoking locusts! I do pride myself on my get-the-stuff-on-the-belt and get-the-hell-out-of-the-store speed, but that's just because I'm in a hurry to get home and get on with my life.

I am not one of the coupon people, the check-writing people, or the ch@t-with-the-cashier-even-after-their-transaction-is-complete people, because I can't stand for the whole grocery gathering ordeal to take any longer than it absolutely has to, and I know that the poor saps behind me would like me to move along by then anyway.*

Special note to those post-transaction-ch@t-with-the-cashier customers: THIS IS NOT TEA TIME! YOUR TURN IS OVER! I GOT FROZEN FOODS MELTING HERE!!!

Really, I'm a very happy person. Thank you for listening.

*all except for Lab

[Suzy Q]

And now, yes, I have to go to Publix and do the hokey-pokey.

[Pitty Pat]

*hugs Kat* I feel your pain!

I can't seem to go into a store and emerge with less than 15 items. The one or two item trips are for Mr. Pitty. (Man, that sounds weird.) And I must be a glutton for punishment, because sometimes I let little, old ladies buying six cans of cat food in line ahead of me. And ladies with small, whiny kids. And hot guys. (Ahem...)

We get cat food at PetSmart or PetCo, too, since it is both easier and cheaper to buy a case of the stuff.

Plus, it doesn't matter - the cats don't eat it anyway. I could be putting out a bowl of shredded cardboard soaked in motor oil.

[Neil G]

This is one thing I don't understand about cat owners. Why the fuss over fussy cats? Put out the food. If the cat doesn't eat it, his problem. Eventually they'll get hungry and eat.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Poor El! I bet you were giving her the stink-eye. The only person those auto-checkout machines work for is a thief. Apparently some people steal low-end barcodes off cheap meat and place them over the stickers on the prime cuts they're really buying.

Mad - glad to hear it. Weren't we going to a Dodger game or something eventually? Your cats are welcome, as is Weasel's doggie. And I understand if you're too busy.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Pssst - Neil G - for your own sake, do not arouse the wrath of the kitty people. Their blog is worse than their bite.

[Pitty Pat]

Oh they do, Neil. In the meantime, the fact that the cat isn't eating can be one of our sources of personal angst. Everyone's got to have some. Like people who watch soap operas and get all into it.

[Pitty Pat]

Ooops....did I just arouse the wrath of the soap opera people? Sorry! My own dear mother watches them incessantly and I love her dearly.

[PeaceEtc]

I was told by a clerk at my local grocery store they have to scan each can of whatever individually, because some people were abusing the ability to scan just one and hit the multiplier thingie (sorry to use such technical terms).

And, yes, I was buying cat food at the time. But it was all one flavor! The clerk was very relieved by that.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

El-Wonder if the cashier realized she's working herself out of a job.

[Neil G]

Pssst - Neil G - for your own sake, do not arouse the wrath of the kitty people.
Well I do have one friend who maintains that the reason cats have tails is to make them easier to lower into a blender. I can't say I agree with that, although I do snork at it.

[Pablo]

Elanor - yeah, the stores with self-checkout are really pushing it, aren't they?

I can remember when ATMs first came out. The bank tellers would push people to use them instead of standing in line - but that was before ATM fees too. The fees came after everybody got used to the ATMs.

Maybe that's what the stores evil plan is: Force us to all use the self checkout, then start charging a fee ...

Maybe I'm paranoid ...

[Pitty Pat]

Wow - the insanity isn't confined to crazy cat ladies.

[Beth]

I was there once with my baby (not significant other type, but actual whining pooping daiper wearing type), when a woman drove me about over the edge by paying for what looked like $200 worth of food with twenty individual ten dollar gift cards, each of which had to be individually entered like a credit card. Two seconds before I lost it, she finished up[ and gave her last remaining card to me. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed for looking like I could be bought or not, so I took it.

[crossgirl]

i've never done this, honest, but sometimes, the person who is buying a 25cent pack of gum with a debit card is just flat broke and needing to make use of the cash back feature. be kind.

[Beth]

OK, I've never done that with a debit card, but I have done it with a twenty when I needed singles for the bus.

[Swish]

The only item less than $5 i've used a credit card for has been smokes. And that's more because i didn't want to take the $3(Yes, that's THREE dollars) hit for using a non-branch ATM fee....

Of course, i figure if i'm going to get asked for my ID anyway, why not make it worth-while, and use a credit card anyway....

[queensbee]

well, yeah, that self-checkout is a little nutz, with the computer voice telling you to 'put the last item in the bag', when you already did that, but at least i can bag it myself without having to explain [and sorry, to all you checkers out there] why i really dont want the frozen stuff in the same bag as the windex. and why, would anybody put chicken in the same bag as any non-food item. so i have to run around my house like a maniac when i put stuff away???
but the best was when i bought a carton of fake eggs [no cholesterol for me] and the checker put it in a separate bag, as would be done with real eggs. helllooooo. nothing gonna break there. sometimes they ask me how much certain things cost, or why i bought a new can opener, etc. hey they gotta make their jobs interesting, otherwise, yoikes.
and i LIKE grocery shopping. usually its the high stupid level of other customers, not the workers, that drives me up the wall.

[Suzy Q]

So, I'm in Publix, with my usual 10-mile glazed stare that automatically comes over me in the grocery store, perusing the Ziploc bags that are on sale, and I hear behind me, "So, are you stocking up on those to bag your dope?"

Then, the cashier did not have a freaking CLUE as to what I meant when I asked for a one-hundred dollar bill in debit-card change. (I have a wedding Sat) Totally blank stare.

Welcome to Miami!

[Eleanor]

I don't talk to strangers; i.e., other shoppers. Except when a group of firefighters shop because they're all so cute.

Also I don't understand how a store that sells food could be called Publix. It just sounds dirty to me. Is it pronounced like an English Pub or like you-know-what?
*giggles*

[Annie Where-but-here]

Oh, El....sigh...'eyerolls' are on eye-ill (not 'aisle') three.

[Laura Vona]

When I got my first apartment and was grocery shopping on a regular basis my Mother gave me some priceless advice:
"Get in the line with most men in it. Men do not screw around in the supermarket."
-My Mother

It's the only thing she ever told me that has yet to be be proven wrong by my own experience...

[Jessica R.]

I am the person in line that none of you want to be behind. I shop for seven people; we have four children and my dad lives with us. Three of my children are five-years-old or less; I usually have all 4 with me at the store. I use coupons frequently, but not religiously because the budget is stretched tight enough that that couple of bucks could matter a lot by the end of the month. (My husband is still on the stupid - get paid twice a month - pay system.) On the other hand, I shop with a menu and a list and my coupons somewhat organized; you do not want to lose $2 diaper coupons, IYKWIM. I try to take well-fed, well-rested children to the store and get out of there before the whining and nagging start! I do pay with a debit/credit card because I usually don't have the $150-$200 in cash that it takes to feed us each trip. I try to shop about once every two weeks in the daytime, and I always let people with fewer items go first UNLESS one of my children is about to burst into hysterics then I figure, that everyone in the store would prefer that I just leave! I have also had my groceries wheeled into the cooler while I take a misbehaving child home! So my kids have learned that I don't just threaten to "go home right now", I DO IT!