Dave Barry's Blog

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are practical.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

FINALLY

An honest car dealership.

(Thanks to Peter M.)

WE ARE CONSTANTLY WARNING PEOPLE ABOUT THIS

"Never shave in a gym near a chandelier," we say. But do they listen? No.

(Thanks to Mav)

WE HAVE LONG SUSPECTED THIS.

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten, who will eat anything)

UPDATE: judi points out that 80,000 people sent this in before Gene did, and I am an idiot.

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

They abound.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

INVENTIONS WE DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS A MARKET FOR

Number 3,972.

(Thanks to fivver)

BUSINESS MOTTO OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

URGENT BREAKING WORLD CUPDATE

The Fritz and Franz Bierhaus has RUN OUT OF ERDINGER. Fortunately, they still have "Schneider Weisse."

WORLD CUPDATE

If you are ever offered a beer called "Erdinger," do not pass it up.

WORLD CUP TRAINING VIDEO OF THE DAY

Okay, so the voiceover mutters something about 2004, but we don't care.

(Thanks to Peggy)

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Ants know how to count.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ADVISORY

Blogging may be light today, because I will be watching the Germany-Argentina match at the Fritz and Franz Bierhaus attending an important business meeting with business colleagues regarding business things that are important. You may rest assured, however, that if any important news breaks out, this blog will have no idea what it is.

TECHNOLOGY THRUSTS FORWARD

From South Milwaukee: The Cleavacious Brassiere.

IN KEEPING WITH OUR POLICY OF NOT MAKING FUN OF NAMES

We will refrain from linking to this.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

YIKES

(Thanks to Guin)

UPDATE ON BOO THE (AS YET) TOTALLY MASCULINE ESCAPED BEAR

Perhaps we can help save him!

Quote: "The upside for Boo is that he's become a celebrity. And everyone will be watching us, when we finally decide what to do."

Quote that is more important to Boo: "He never exhibited interest in getting out before. Then there was a female on the mountain and the interest definitely increased. I've been surprised by how strong the attraction was. Neutering would certainly cool him down."

(Thanks to Craig McAdie)

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY

(Also thanks to DavCat14)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys have priorities.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

ATTENTION, AL GORE

This global warming deal is happening fast.

(Via Sploid)

ATTENTION, PARTY PLANNERS

Looking to liven up your next affair?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away our precious constitutional right to pole-dance for hair-salon discounts.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

MAURY POVICH: A COMPLETE TWIT JOURNALIST FOR OUR TIME

Maury tackles an important issue.

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten)

ATTENTION, DESPERATE PEOPLE

Moo.

HEADLINE OF THE MORNING SO FAR

DEMOCRACY IN RUSSIA

They still have a few kinks to iron out.

(Thanks to Amanda Klein)

FINALLY, SOMEBODY IS ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS

How, exactly, is dingo urine collected?

(Thanks to Chaz Schlueter)

REASON NUMBER 179, RIGHT AFTER WHALE POOP, FOR NEVER EVER SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN

The sea has SPIDERS.

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETINhoff

(Thanks to lucy van pelt)

CRIME IN AMISH COUNTRY

Psssstt.... Got milk?

(Thanks to Barbara Goldstein)

WHY WE LOVE CALIFORNIA

Just read it.

(Thanks to Mad Scientist)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY TO...

Mr. Ah Pee.

(Thanks to Colleen Tolton)

CAN YOU BLAME HIM?

The Jack Bauer of the bear world makes his escape.

(Thanks to Mike A.)

PROOF THAT IOWANS DON'T REALLY GET THE CONCEPT OF PIMPS

Here you go.

(Thanks to Kevin Goss)

BULLETIN BULLETIN EXCLUSIVE BULLETIN

(Thanks to David Roe)

WORLD CUP UPDATE

The Brits are making a strong showing. (Mrs. Blog, reporting from Germany, confirms this.)

(Thanks to CJrun)

ADVISORY TO CAMBODIAN DINERS

Pass on the noodles.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

THE APOCALYPSE

It's here.

(Thanks to fivver)

ANYTHING WE CAN DO?

A moving plea from a Miss Universe contestant.

(Via Tim Blair)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS IN ENGLAND

Be alert for cows, swans. That is all for now.

CONFESSION

Last night, home alone, I tried, really tried, to watch Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. But I could not keep my thumb off the remote, and I ended up watching, and being riveted by, Dog the Bounty Hunter. Does this make me a bad person?

I still have no idea what a "Sith" is.

IT'S A SHAME FATHER'S DAY IS OVER

Because Dad could use this.

(Via Gimodo)

YOUR ONE-STOP SOURCE FOR NETBALL NEWS

Key Quote: "Abracadabra produce the country’s fastest growing no back, no strap, stick-on reusable bra along with silicone push-up pads and silicone nipple covers."

And that is saying something.

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Wooden-cow rustlers.

HEY, MISTER ADVERTISING GENIUS

We know where you can stick this.

(Via Gizmodo)

WHY THIS IS STILL THE GREATEST DAMN COUNTRY ON THE WHOLE DAMN EARTH

Innovation.

(Thanks to djtonyb)

IS THERE SOMETHING IN THE WATER IN SUMMIT COUNTY?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IN OTHER TOILET NEWS

You know those high-tech commode sensors? That are supposed to make the toilet flush? Instead of just letting you flush the freaking toilet yourself? The Japanese hate them too.

Key Quote: "The trick might be to wave your hand as close as possible to the sensor. If you wave your hand around a bit, the sensors will pick it up," the toilet spokesman says. "You've got to move close. I'd say about 5 centimeters or so."

So says the toilet spokesman.

HUH?

Discover America, says the Cottonelle brand toilet paper puppy mascot.

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

UPDATE: Neither can this.