IF YOU SEE JUST ONE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO DESIGNED TO TEACH JAPANESE SPEAKERS, VIA AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS, WHAT TO SAY WHEN THEY ARE BEING ROBBED BY TWO ENGLISH-SPEAKING MEN, ONE OF WHOM IS WEARING HIS HEAD BANDANA BACKWARD

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten)

Comments

[Addicted to 24]

Damn You office firewall!!!!!!!!

[Annie Where-but-here]

I was first to post here. :)
I was first to post here. :)
I was first to post here. :)
I was first to post here. :)
I was first to post here. :)

[Annie Where-but-here]

Addicted - it was so bad. SO bad...in so many, many ways.

[Cheryl]

My Java-Flashy-thingy is screwed up and only works when it wants to, so I can't see this particular video either, 24. I'll take Dave's word for it.

And ... Annie ... really, there's no shame in being second.

[Matt Morrison]

"Spare me my life" and "I was robbed by two men." Sounds like movie going audiences after watching "My Dinner With Andre."

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

So the english-speaking man was both bad and stupid. No image problem there.

*joins Annie in blog aerobics*

[Annie Where-but-here]

Cheryl - I got earwigged by the video. It was quite repetitive...in a bad, bad way. :) Oh, and lots of nonsensical smiling, which is always irritating.

[Kathybear]

Take anything you want - and it zooms in on one of the girls', erm, sports top's straps...

[Liana]

Wow. What more can I say but "take anything you want", "spare me my life" and "I was robbed by two men" ?
Oh yeah, I can say: Why did the aerobics girls have 80's bangs?? Does that help them remember the English phrases, along with arm movements??

[Cheryl]

Oh ... damn my busted Flashy Java Macro video gizmo!!!! Everyone on the blog must now re-enact the video for me. I will wait while you organize.

*whistling*

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Is this video in preparation for their vacation to Disneyworld in the US? If so, they're gonna need to know how to say: "I was mugged by Pluto."

[Anony Mouse]

Is is just me or does it sound like the girls are singing "I was rubbed by two men"?

[Punkin Poo]

"All of my valuable is belong to you"

[Annie Where-but-here]

For Cheryl and 24 and ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO BE SPARED THE AGONY OF WATCHING THIS VIDEO, a synopsis:
Split story -
1)Lost Japanese girl gets attacked slowly and unconvincingly by 2 guys, one is (gasp!)an American with bad fashion sense (backwards bandana across lips).
2)3 Japanese girls doing aerobics, chanting things the attacked girl should say, such as "Take anything you want!", "Spare me my Life" and the hit single, "I was robbed by two men!" This is all done while smiling innocuously and performing weak, repetitive aerobics moves that resemble last night's Mavericks' defense.

[Prairie Dog]

Perhaps the aerobics is Japanese sign language. They don't use just their hands.

I hope all thier crimes are robbery by two men, otherwise its going to get confusing.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

PS - Just kidding about Disney - I love Disney.

[pogo]

I can't believe I watched the whole thing. UUUUNnnnhhh need....beer....now....

[Susy Cruz]

Dang! I shoulda just read Annie's synopsis!

Too late now I watched and wondered WHY?????? AGOWWWWNY! (bad Bugs Bunny reference here)

sorry best I could do after a hard day's work blogging er...I mean working.

[Guin]

*snork* @ Punkin

[O. the U(manity)]

But ... but ... but ... but ... but ... but ... how are she gonna say "Take anything you want" with the arm movements from the training video, if the other bad guy has her arms wrapped up ... and the same with the jumping jacks on "Spare me my life" ... she's not gonna be able to jump up and down when he's holdin' onto her ...

Yup ... pretty lame ... no semblance of reality ...

(Of course, this whole viewing is not helped by the fact that I finished re-reading Dave Barry does Japan (the copy signed by Dave when he wuz disguised as "Steve Walter") merely this last weekend ... merely thinkin' of Dave's comments on Japan ...)

[Sean]

Where is Kikoman when you need him? Is there nothing left to believe in?

[Ernie G]

"All of my valuable is belong to you"

"Somebody set up us the cop!"

[Nameless Wonder]

Sure, this is a brilliant method to teach Japanese women how to handle being robbed by two men, but what happens if they're robbed by THREE? There should be a series of these videos to handle varying numbers of assailants.

And what was up with the random zooming in on the bazoomage? Just sayin'... (UO, your royalty check is in the mail. Just like the checks for all of my other bills.)

[Annie Where-but-here]

Are they insinuating that Americans are violent? If that's the case, I'm going over there right now and break some knees.

[Addicted to 24]

Help Me Annie,
Now I want to watch it. For the same reasons I watched this and this I need some serious help.

[Annie Where-but-here]

nameless (and others - you know who you are, I certainly don't) - that wasn't bazoomage zooming. It was an extreme close-up of her bicep, which was as nonexistent as her nonbazoomage.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Addicted - you know how you looked when you just posted a couple of minutes ago? THAT would have made a more interesting movie. Even just shooting from the waist up.

[Addicted to 24]

Ok so if you have to choose between driving a rusty nail through your hand then doing a cannonball into a swimming pool of lemon juice and watching this movie again what would you do?

[daisymae]

I gotta know...are they supposed to do the arm movements while saying the words? Is that a crucial part of the communication? And, are they supposed to wear aerobics outfits?

[elvisonvelvet]

this is quite possibly the best video i've ever seen...ever.

[Nameless Wonder]

It seemed more like the shoulder to me, but the bazoomage area remained in the picture. I submit to the bloglits that the off-center nature of the zoom was for the sake of plausible deniability.

And in any case, why zoom in on the shoulder/bicep?

[Betsi]

i don't even have my sound turned up, and I'm earwigged.

[Neil G]

If you check out the other videos on the side, apparently this was an actual morning TV show in Japan. This is from the same program, but without aerobics.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Addicted - what size nail?

Nameless - they zoomed in to show she was strong and had muscles.....?

[Annie Where-but-here]

Neil - that's way more realistic, you 'bucket of bolts!'

[almne]

The chanting of "Please Spare My Life!" by vacantly smiling, arm waving women, was just flat out bizarre.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Instead, why not chant, "Your fly is down, your fly is down, your fly is down." Then skitter gracefully away to find some real biceps.

[Paqo]

So let me get this straight - can I take ANYTHING I want? Even a... err... bucket of bolts? (*heh* *heh*)

[Jeff Meyerson]

Some of us were "fortunate" (sic) enough to see this yesterday, courtesy of Sarah J., whose house I am going to as soon as I find a sack o'nickels big enough to thank her (double sic).

take anything you want
take anything you want

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Must kill video...

[Mike Antonucci]

Looks like the Japanese are getting ready for Jack Bauer reaching Asia.

Japanese TV has always been bizarre. I once saw a show that was like Candid Camera for sadists. They kidnapped a businessman off the street, threw him in the trunk of a car, took him to an abandoned warehouse, tied him up, and threatened to torture and kill him. When he began crying and begging for his life, the camera crew jumps out and yells "surprise!" Ha ha. Hilarious.

[fivver]

Wow! Japanese robotics have really improved. Those aerobic girls looked almost lifelike!

[Eleanor]

I thought the closeup was of their armpits and that it was going to be a deodorant commercial. So I was icked out from the get go.

Not a bazoom in sight.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Right, El, you think they are bazooming in on their Lima regions (such as they are) but they pan right over to the armpit/upper arm area instead.

And I still want to know why the guy with the glasses has the scarf tied over his head like a little scarf.

Kind of reminded me of the scene in Raising Arizona when the holdup victim tells Nic Cage, "Son, you've got a panty on your head."

[Sarah J]

Jeff- it's a Japanese thing, the bandana on his head signifies "theif"

[Alfred]

Jeff- What will she remember.
"He was wearing his scarf wrong"

So he is now safe.

I saw the other episode. I am now dancing the
"I can't stand the site of you"
dance.

[CJrun]

Personally, I think you're being way to harsh! A friend has transferred to our Miami office from Baton Rouge, so I sent him the link to help his wife prepare.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I guess this video was produced by Mr. Takenoshita.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Unfortunatly, I couldn't find the original names-we-never-make-fun-of post where we first met Mr. T. Otherwise I would have linked it.

[Annie Where-but-here]

CJrun - you are mistaken. I am from NY, and I have a Readers Digress report stating that people from NY are the NICEST, so there's no freakin' way I'm being harsh. Thank you!

[James T.]

I guess Japan's crime rate is so low because all the criminals identify themselves by wearing bandanas.

[Jazzzz]

A-W-B-H.......I thought the article said "has the nicest", not "are the nicest"???

[CJrun]

It must be confusing to have all their bandits wearing masks, when the general populace wears masks.

[Alfred]

Most especially since the bandit seems to be wearing some pretty expensive clothes for Japan. I am going to bet that he is the lab tech, and the only person that can speak English perfectly.

To make you feel better watch this.

[Poop Dogg]

`Speaking of Japanese bazoomage,does anyone have a working link to that Japanese TV commercial that featured Little Red Ridinghood and seriously bazoomaged animals, and a seriously male racoon dog? The website is under construction, and seems to ahve be so like forever.

[Alfred]

nope sorry.
This site though is great.

Check out "Mean ways to wake some one up"
I laughed so hard.

[Jazzzz]

Where DO you find the time?

[Alfred]

In pub with his girlfriend.

[Annie Where-but-har, har, har]

Jazzz - ok, fine, "HAS the nicest people" that would never, ever let another New Yawker do anything harsh...or they'd break her semi-opposable thumbs.

[Jazzzz]

We're talking about PEOPLE? Oops! my-bad

[Joben]

...who goes around trying to rob people with...what is that a swiss army knife? o_O

[Joben]

(continued from above)

I think i was on my second viewing before i even noticed that thing...

[O. the U(manity)]

You watched it twice?!?!?!

... um ... glutton for punishment, eh?

[Jazzzz]

Joben didn't say they ONLY watched it twice, just that they noticed the Swiss criminal knife on the second viewing. Could still be watching. But you have to admit, those aerobic girls are mesmerizing!

[Sallyacious]

I do. It was like a car wreck. I couldn't look away. I kept hoping it would get better, even though I really knew all along it was a lost cause.

[Jemmy the I-Just-Get-These-Headaches]

Annie,

As usual I'm late posting, but I just had to say--had finally finished laughing at the video, checked the comics, and had another fit of laughter at your first comment. Thanks!

[Glix]

Poop Dogg,

I think I found it here.

[Betsy]

I was once an extra in an instructional videotape designed to teach English to Japanese businessmen. We had to gather in the bleachers at Comiskey Park on a cold day in February, and be Typical Fans, while doing fifty-'leven takes of the Japanese actress sitting in front of me telling her Japanese businessman companion, "Oh! This is exciting! I hope the home team wins the visitors!"
I coulda intervened, but for $40 and a hamburger, I figured they already got their money's worth. (..or maybe in Japan the home team DOES get to keep the visitors? Who the hell knows?)

[Bob]

The same people teach Japanese to ignorant I mean English speaking people.

Just remember that they have different muscles and no language matches Japanese for ambiguous and evasive expressions treat them lightly and you will suffer for it. Do be careful!

Dohmo! Dohmo!

[Bob]

For the ladies, the dancers in Dohmo Dohmo are male, and the guy in the middle has really short shorts.

[Sarah J]

Bob- that is highly disturbing

[gfunksizzle]

Did anybody else, when the backwards-bandana-wearing-man entered the scene think "My, Jason Alexander's career has gone south."

Or west, as it were.

[Sarah J]

you should see him in the Dohmo Dohmo video. It gets even worse.

"Mastering genuine Japanesse is not that simple. Exercise steadily and assimilate the connotations"

"even the Japanese themselves don't know its root meaning, but that's beside the point"- at this point I wondered if the voice-over guy had a difficult time not laughing

[Hanna]

I can't help wondering why the Japanese are sooooo good at making technology, but so weird at using it. Maybe it's me, but these girls chanting was just boorrrring, and as a teaching aid, maybe jingles would be better. Are there Japanese jingles?

I was waiting for the girl to stomp on his toe, scream and kick the other one in his dangly bits, grab her purse and run. Isn't that what girls are supposed to do????

[Poop Dogg]

Thank you, Glix.

[catharine]

Well the first flaw in this "instructional video" is that the girl is walking alone in a park. When was the last time anybody ever saw a lone japanese girl? They are always in pairs, if not a gaggle, hanging out in crowded malls, usually by the Hello Kitty Foto Booth. (My daugter lived in Japan as an exchange student in 10th grade & assures me that a Japanese girl walking alone is only in an American man's fantasy).

But this video just goes to show that even when being mugged by two men (& freaky geeks at that!) in a lonely park, that the Japanese women are conditioned to be polite.

Besides the obvious backwards bandanna (maybe that was done for a humourous effect? You can never really tell with the Japanese humour) what disturbed me was the fact that they never showed how the girl got away. Did she bust out some crazy ancient secret aerobic move on them, show them her arm pit, drive them to the ground clutching their ears while she roboticly chanted "Here's a kick to your offspring, dirtbag" over & over?

Mysteries we shall never know the answers to.

[Chaz, in Wade County Florida]

if you read their lips...it looks as if they think you+want is one word

"take anything uwant..."

and the robber..."hand me your bag..." I thought he was gonna say please

[Glix]

I have been assured that the backwards bandana under the nose is just part of Japanese culture. Of course, the assurer has never been to Japan, but he watches some anime.

[Jazzzz]

Bob, the "Dohmo Dohmo" video makes me afraid, very afraid.

[Amanda in Hawaii]

You'd think, at the very least, the instructional video would include a kickboxing session! What good are lunges if you're being mugged??? Of course, what good is a really dull Swiss army knife if you're trying to mug someone? I've seen pate spreaders that have sharper points than that thing did!

[D. Esker]

Glix, yeah, thats how robbers are traditionally depicted there. I guess its supposed to make them look like they have mustaches . . .