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May 25, 2006


So they're saying this is illegal?

(Thanks to Eleanor Silvers)


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not to crow or nothin'...

*blushing furiously*

"I think he just didn't like the way some of the rulings the judge was making was going yesterday morning,"

Ya think?

I guess he's trying to atone for his life of crime.

Heh, at first read I thought it said the guys name was "Gnomes" and I thought, "That's ironic for a 6'11", 250lb man"

Just how many durn Eleanors does this blog have now?

Oops, 6'. Whatever.

You can never have too many El's. That's all that matters.

Is that what they mean when they say "Jumpin' the shark?"

So if the lawyer tried to pull out of the case and the judge refused, can he (lawyer dood) now sue for violating OSHA safe workplace regs?

Attorney, "Objection!"

Judge, "Over ruled."

Attorney, "GACK!!!!"

Judge, "Over ruled."

it's only illegal in boston.

Nothing says, "I'm innocent" like strangling your lawyer.

The following was excerpted from a later deposition with the accused:

Q: Why are lawyers like enemas?

A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.

Where's Boston Legal when you need em? They coulda got that guy off of the murder charge AND the strangling - and do it in under 60 minutes.

It's only illegal if it is unsuccessful.

*snork*@herb I've heard that for research they are replacing rats with lawyers. Three reasons: there's more of them, the researchers and technicians don't get attached to them and there are some things a rat just won't do.


*snork*@fivver - One of the reasons I never watched Boston Legal was because of my feelings towards lawyers. I checked the show out on the recommendation of a friend, and it seems that the shows writers feel the same way I do.

Eleanor, Leetie thinks you're swell!

Yo, El, did you see the article about how lawyer jokes are unfair in today's SD Union? Page e12, I think.

Sorry, everybody, that wasn't the run-up to a joke.

this is the Eleanor , folks, so you've got some nerve telling lawyer jokes, she'll be slapping y'all with a writ of 'habeas snorkus'.

Ahhh, Boston Legal.

OH NO...I'm...being...choked. IF ONLY...I...could...reach...my...phaser.

*Alan Shore and Brad Chase materialize out of thin air, fire phasers*

*Gomes stumbles back*

*Denny throws a punch that obviously misses, but we hear "THWACK" anyway*

Here's a link but you'll need to register to read it.

Way to go, El. I don't suppose you told Dave that I sent you the article, did you?

I thought not.

Lawyers! (*mumblegrumblemumble*)

What do you call a lawyer with half a brain?
Your Honor.

Congrats El!

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

a good start.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One's a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavanger, the other's a fish.

For El, a pro-lawyer joke:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a proctologist?

A: A proctologist only has to deal with one @$$hole at a time.

*zips in*


I didn't send this in to start a run on really bad, bad, bad lawyer jokes. I thought this blog was a little classier than that!

Toilet jokes, YES.
Booger jokes, YES.
Snake jokes, YES.

Bad Lawyer Jokes, NO, NO, NO.

See insom, above.

Woman walks into a doctor's office and asks, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

Doctor replies "Of course, how do you think we get lawyers?"

On the contrary counsel, I thought some of 'em weren't THAT bad . . .

Y'all are fussing about lawyer jokes 'n' stuff while the real question goes unanswered: Will the effin' judge let him withdraw from the case NOW??????

If it had been in Baltimore, the lawyer would have been arrested for loitering.

Okay, while everyone was busy racking their brains for old li-yar jokes, did you happen to notice the story on the sidebar about the guy who got busted going through customs with condoms full of heroin hidden in jars of pickled fish? "herring, heroin - I get so confused officer...

marfie, was the guy's name Opus?

Let me get this straight - El, an attorney, sends in a funny attorney story, then gets upset when we post attorney jokes.

Your honor, this is a classic case of entrapment.

I had checked that out, marfie. I was a bit Huh?ing the phrase, "39 condoms of heroin" as if a condom is the common unit used for heroin. I mean, 39 condoms "filled with" heroin, I can see...

Annie, you think a story about a client trying to strangle his atty is a funny story??? :)

Sarc, I like your pro-lawyer joke.

Betsy, that is absolutely the question. Sometimes the judge says, I'm sure you can work this out with your client, Ms. Atty.
Yeah, right, Judge. Any minute now.

And - I'm OK with lawyer jokes because I know they're not about the CDAs who represent the innocent, oppressed impoverished members of society, but rather about attys who sue for - ick - money - ick!

And I'm glad I gave everyone a giggle!

*big grin*

El - I've been involved in a divorce case now for 3 years. My sense of humor is warped. Healthy, but warped.

39 condoms of heroin in the jar,
39 condoms of heroin.
Take them through customs,
you knew they would bust 'em,
39 condoms of heroin in the jar.

My sense of humor is warped. Healthy, but warped.

That's what we like about you, annie.

Jeff - you do? you really do?

marfie - good one - I tried that tune, but I kept thinking of beer. Thank goodness it's finally Friday!

Um...AWBH, not to burst your bubble, but it's Thursday.

Annie, have to "ditto" your comment, I too couldn't work it out either. {golf claps to marf}

*applauds marfie*

Aw, shucks...I owe it all to my healthy (and therefore warped) sense of humor.

El: Hey, without lawyers who sue for money? I'd be out of a job. They're not ALL bad. No, I don't work for plaintiff lawyers anymore. WITH them, yes. On the defense side. ;)

Whaaaat? It's still Thursday! It's my lawyer's fault!

Great oxymoron there, Suzy Q!!!!


I have to hand it to El and all lawyers. Anyone who can say with a straight face, day in and day out, stuff like "May it please the Court...." and "Your Honor" while making motions about their briefs is alright.

"Your Honor, the prosecution calls as its next witness, Bambi. And your Honor, I would like to request Bambi be identified as a hostile witness?"

*Throws last post up to the next thread.

Just because you guys have been such fun, here are some real-life genuine Stupid Lawyer Questions.


This one might be relevant to the case at hand:

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Drunk? You make the call:

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

I vote 3 to 2 for ELl!

Jeff, my sister shared that list with me and my family one Christmas prolly 6-7 years ago and we laughed until we hurt. Excerpts from the books "Humor in the Court" (I and II), compiled by a court stenographer of actual court testimony (unfortunately, both out of print). Some of my other favs:

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: I've performed all my autopsies on dead people.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: But you are not an objective witness. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

I'll find the full list I have and post it to the blog in the near future.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.



First "LOL" I have ever (that's EVER) given on this blog goes tooooooo... Jeff!!!! DINGDINGDINGDING!!! Those were a couple I had forgotten...

I'm laughing because Jeff looks funny rolling around on the floor like that.

...or at least MOST of Jeff is.

I've seen those Stupid Lawyer Questions before. The real ones are hilarious, but it's easy to get caught up in the moment.

Inside lawyer info:
When the judge is on the bench and court is in session, you call her Your Honor. But if you're talking to him in chambers or run into her in the Court cafeteria then you just say judge.
/end inside stuff

I always liked saying May it please the Court. "May I approach" is a personal favorite, but when the judge is p!ssed at you for something and there's a jury, and he says "NO." it's a little embarassing, to say the least.
So you say, "Thank you." like that's the answer you really wanted all along.

Laughter is contagious.

Oral (grinning)

39 condoms of heroin in the jar,
39 condoms of heroin,
take one out, pass it undertheevileyeofthecustomsman,

38 condoms of heroin in the jar ....

... And now for my other brother "Oral"!

Can't resist...

What's brown and black and looks good on an attorney?
A rottweiller.

testing testing 1, 2, 3...

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