« Previous | Main | Next »

May 15, 2006

24

We begin tonight's episode hoping desperately that a serious plot will emerge in time to be resolved next week, in the Big Two-Hour Season Finale.

What do I mean by "a serious plot?" I mean "a plot where at least one major U.S. metropolitan area is totally doomed." Think back to last year, when we had, as our arch-villain: Marwan. Now there was a villain. He shot down Air Force One, and then he almost caused nuclear reactors all over the United States to melt down, and all of that was just a diversion to draw attention away from his real evil plan, which was to launch a nuclear missile from Iowa (a known rogue terrorist state) at Los Angeles. Jack thwarted Marwan, of course, but not before Marwan thwarted Jack and the entire U.S. military about 17 times. He was a Thwarting Machine, that Marwan, and by God I miss him.

And what kind of plot do we have this year? For a while we had the Killer Kanisters, but they never seemed all that scary. Mostly they rode around Los Angeles getting Karsick. After the Kanisters got blown up, all we had left, plotwise, was: the Secret Recording. Ooooh! A recording! For weeks now, Jack has been chasing this recording around in a series of episodes in which the only truly memorable action sequence involved Chloe tasering a drunk named Ross in a hotel bar.

Anyway, last week, Jack finally obtained the recording that, if made public, would expose the president of the United States as a murdering scumbucket. But did Jack, having risked the lives of a planeload of innocent people to get hold of the recording, immediately make it public? Of course not! He rode back to CTU, handed the recording to Chloe, then wandered off to moon over Audrey.  Good going, Jack! Way to prioritize!

And as for Chloe -- a woman so technologically advanced that, simply by tapping on her keyboard, she can remotely defrost any given refrigerator on the planet -- did she immediately make the recording public? Of course not! She sat there, tapping cluelessly away, while Miles the Homeland Security Creepster, who might as well have the words "BAD GUY" tattooed on his forehead, wandered over and did something to the recording with a mysterious black plot device.

And so tonight we begin yet another episode with not much going on except for the president being puppeted via cell phone by the evil villain bald puppetmaster Graham, who has got to be the most boring evil puppetmaster since... well, since whoever was the evil puppetmaster before Graham.

The point is, something had better happen tonight, and it had better be something truly dastardly. It had better not be just the president ordering Jack arrested for the 283rd time this season alone. No,  dammit: We have sat through 21 hours of fake tension. The writers owe us something big.   

Speaking of something big: Edgar is still, as of this writing, dead. On the other hand, Secretary of Defense William Devane, despite having spent two episodes under water, is alive! Meanwhile the First Lady is still totally wasted resting.

Also be advised that a guy named "Bierko," who was the evil genius mastermind behind the Killer Kanisterzzzz plot, suddenly reappeared last week to be transported somewhere. He exchanged a Meaningful Look and a Nod with the van driver, so as to indicate to every member of the viewing public with an intelligencve level of rutabaga or higher that they are Up To Something.

That is where we stand as we begin tonight's episode. Time is running out. They need to turn this season around now, or else I swear I'm going to... OK, I'm going to tune in next week no matter what. But still.

UPDATE: Whoa. The president on Prison Break just died. But of course he was a different president.

UPDATE: So NOW Chloe figures it out.

UPDATE: They need to call Technical Support.

UPDATE: Man, Jack has gotten soft. He broke, like, zero of Miles' bones.

UPDATE: It's a TRICK, Jack.

UPDATE: Not the Kanisterzzzz!

UPDATE: Bierko just ripped his Band Aid right off. That is a manly terrorist.

UPDATE: The First Lady knows how to party.

UPDATE: Good old Aaron.

UPDATE: Aaron "Charles"ed him. Whoa.

UPDATE: OK, could this be moving any slower?

UPDATE: They're gonna take Jack out. Ooooh, we're scared.

UPDATE: So do we think Jack is going to end up saving President Manilow from Bierko? Wouldn't that be ironic?

UPDATE: If David Palmer were here, he would want Jack to buy some Allstate brand insurance, that's what.

UPDATE: I think they have started randomly showing scenes from earlier episodes.

UPDATE: Jack can't touch them? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Blah.

UPDATE:Wouldn't it be cool if Jack and Karen said, "Hey, we're famished! Let's order Chinese!"

UPDATE: Wasn't Audrey, like, nearly dead just a short while ago?

UPDATE: Ooooh! Henderson's dissing Chloe's 'puter!

UPDATE: Next up for the First Lady: Heroin.

UPDATE: Whoa! Chloe-like behavior from the FL! Martha and Aaron, sitting in a tree!

UPDATE: Perimeter!

UPDATE: I have no idea who Henderson is going to see, or why. Does that make me a bad viewer?

UPDATE: Seriously, was this guy on before? Or is he new?

UPDATE: SCANNER REPORT: "No weapons, but his prostate is the size of a grapefruit."

UPDATE: Does anybody know what the hell is going on? Does it matter?

UPDATE: OK, if they didn't trust Henderson to go in there, why the hell did they send Henderson in there? So they could have somebody else shooting back at them?

UPDATE: Chloe is on it.

UPDATE: I still don't know what's going on, but I'm glad to see Chloe is decrypting the files.

UPDATE: Aaron is hatching a plot! Good old loyal, bleeding-profusely-from-the-mouth Aaron.

UPDATE: Chloe's got it! A RUSSIAN FRICKING SUBMARINE!

UPDATE: They need to use EZ-on, EZ-off handcuffs for Henderson, the way they keep changing their mind about him.

UPDATE: We need to keep track of the gratuitous Audrey scene quotient (GASQ).

UPDATE: OK, that is definitely the last Killer Kanister, right?

UPDATE: It's a good thing the terrorists, despite being foreign, speak English to each other, so we know they're getting the missiles ready.

UPDATE: OK, at least now we have missiles. That's a definite upgrade over Kanisters.

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

First!

"And so tonight we begin yet another episode with not much going on except for the president being puppeted via cell phone by the evil villain bald puppetmaster Graham, who has got to be the most boring evil puppetmaster since... well, since whoever was the evil puppetmaster before Graham."

And just how will we know when the Bush speech ends and 24 begins?????

Third! *And I brought Margaritas!*

Jeannie-Mad blogging will ensue.

um... fourth?


where did the get that canisterin the preview? I thought Jack exploded them all with the natural gas

What, already? I hadn't time to check if you found this link of Keifer attacking a Christmas tree.

http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/kiefer-sutherland/kiefer-sutherland-vs-the-christmas-tree-the-video-173530.php

Back shortly.

Right now the fine people at Jack Bauer headquarters are warming up the random plot generator.

I miss Marwan, too. I mean, how can you not? He was a bad guy with a mission! Which he almost accomplished! I don't even know who to root against anymore. Besides Prez Handbag, which goes without saying. Geez...

24 countown checklist, delayed time:

adult beverage: check. Well, of course, it's red wine!

dinner: check. A very lovely cold paoched salmon with homemade dill sauce. Dee-liscious! Yes, I can cook.

blogger friends: check. gathering, probably as I speak. Unless they've completely given up on all HOPE of there ever being a real plot this season and have openened their veins in protest. *sigh*

ChloeSack: nope. not yet. Hey, tropichuntguy! Didn't you get my order?

smackin' myself upside the head to get in the mood: check.

Bring it on!!!!!!

Hey, folks:

I'm thinking of doing a live blog thing after "The Sopranos" on Sunday nights. After, not during, because it's a fairly different animal and evidently engages all three digits of one's IQ a bit more often than "24" does. (If I'm mistaken about that, it's all y'all's fault.)

So if any of you would be interested, click on my name below and leave a comment on the Sporanos post I will be putting up in a few minutes. In that comment, please include a vote for East or West coast feed, because I can do either here in Colorado.

Thank you, fellow bloglits. You may now resume preparing for the upcoming feeding and beer drinking frenzy evening's festivities.

WriterDude, my compatriot, I unfortunately cannot particpate in your Sopranos blogging. Mostly, because I usually TiVo it now. Good luck with that!

HI, Love this blog, I have never laughed so hard at such a serious show. Hi Liz P.

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLE...

WHAT THE HELL?!?!

AWRIGHT, PRISONFAKE, WHERE'S JACK AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM?!?!

wait.....this is a serious show?!?! Oh I get it, you've never watched it

2 minutes to Canadian 24 launch!

I'll try to keep you up on critical developments.

Tropichuntguy: That would be an ...um...premature eJACKulation you just had!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEe, it is starting on time up North here. See you all later!

Hey, SuzyQ, no...I didn't get your order for ChloeSack™ or JackSack™ (altho, for you, ChloeSack™ would be more appropriate). Did you email it to me?

Well, I used to take it seriously, in season2 but... you know...
Now,it is my primary source of laughter.

24 is late tonight thanks to the prez

I thought I had the wrong channel, freaky!

tropichuntguy: I've been ordering it for a few weeks now! What's up with the slow service? Are your fulfillment people not following orders? Shoot 'em in the thigh!

season 2 is when I stopped taking it seriously. I mean come on, a mountian lion? wtf?

I don't care what you all say; I still enjoy the show, and not as a joke. I still find it exciting, although I do have to admit the plot this year is lamer than usual.

Hey Greg and Salina, You on????

Now hear this Arctic; you can write all you want, but your not allowed to hit the Post button until 2120 Eastern!

O K I give, I was just happy to see Palmer's wife get it

SuzyQ: Hold on...lemme check...

*dials phone*

*ringing in background*

*click is heard on line*

Me: Hey, what's going on with SuzyQ's order?!

Voice: Hold on, boss, I need to check with Marwan...

*smacks head*

That's what I get for outsourcing...

Graham and his co-conspirators are so remarkably relaxed for all the shit that's about to hit the fan. What is that room they're in? A lounge in the basement of the Pentagon, a green room for Oprah? None of those reclining villians seems to have one iota of Jack Bauer's energy and initiative. Unless...they've already worked their evil and now only need...to sit in their easy chairs? These bastards ought to be scrambling for their lives! Everyone at CTU is doing his part, under unbelievable stress, conflicting orders, and here the villians are, loafing, making a call or two.

They should be ashamed of themselves!

Ah, another night of PRESIDENT LOGAN being stupider that Bimbo the feces throwing primate. I have a hunch he will call the Chinese tonight (see season 4).

we should be nearing our first commercial break. Stupid president. Where's the recording that will bring him down?

Allrighty then!

Jammies on: Check.

All spawns in bed: check.

DH all settled on upstairs 'puter: check.

Remote in hand, margarita in other hand: check

Bring it ON.

Hello Jack fans!!!

*Big wave to SuzyQ*

you guys are crazy :) i'm gonna miss you all tonight, because grey's anatomy is doing ITS two-hour season finale and i'm watching it.

*snork* at tropichuntguy.

I want my ChloeSack!!! EXTRA large so it has everything I will ever possibly need. I live in a hurricane zone, you know.

Holy Lynne Kresge! She's moved from 24 to Prison Break! She survived, like President-to-be Dos Cojones Grandes!

Have fun Judi. (Feel free to have a margarita before you go.)

Quick update after 1st commercial
Miles has erased the tape and got slapped by Karen. He almost cried. Bierko has escaped and the last canister of doom is about to be used. President Weenie has said he wants to kiss and make up with Jack, so he asks KAren if Jack can come out to play.

Hey, WoosterGirl! Glad to see you're all checked off. Or in. Or out. Or whatever. Welcome!


judi: you are lame! how can you even possible concider watching that when 24 is on?

SuzyQ: As do I... :) ...we're both in SoFla, doncha know!

Arctic Al is an Evil Puppetmaster!

THanks Lisa, I don't think I have enough salt though.
I am sticking around waiting for Prison break to end. THis is driving me CRAZY!

judi, do you love mcdreamy?

judi: We'll miss ya! Your comments are better than whatever that guy's name is who runs the show here...

;)

thguy: Well, you'd better have an extra-large JackSack for yourself, then. :)

Suzy it's not my fault! THe show is interrupted until 9:20 because of the President.

Two negronis and still no 24. This is getting annoying!

*scowls, then sees wonderful blog friends and begins waving maniacally

Hieeeeee!!!

Are you all dumping on the newbie?

Ok, I just turned into "Prison Break".

Why are those guys out in the field making crop circles, and why are the police so mad at them?

Hi Gretchen!

Hiya bloglits! Can I jump on this bandwagon? Not that I've ever actually seen the show, but dang, LBFF brought margaritas!

Damn president! Ruining ALL of our lives with his stupid press conference!! He couldn't have picked another night to blather on about nothing?

SuzyQ: The amazing thing is that both JackSack™ and ChloeSack™ EXCEED the Miami-Dade hurricane building code...

Remember, JackSack™ and ChloeSack™ provide the best SUPPORT everywhere YOU need it!™

KDF, the show makes much more sense when you're totally blottoed. So jump on board.

Why are those guys out in the field making crop circles, and why are the police so mad at them?

Because they're aliens. They've come to probe Prez Weenie to see if he really has an anus.

KDF: Actually WATCHING the show is SO not a prerequisite. Booze, however, is!

Hi Woostergirl!

Din din sounds lovely, Suzy Q.

Emergency, Emergency, My husband took the remote and there is only a few minutes until,Bleep bleep...
Excuse me, I have to go kick some serious ass.

Gretcheeeeeeen! Hiya!

Welcome, KDF!

Suzy, I am so checked OUT.

*burp*

Just thinkin.... I think Jack's new girlfriend and her son are in trouble.....

Excellent! Sounds like I have all the required ingredients, then, :)

FINALLY!!!

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™!

FEATURING SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY JACKSACK®, CHLOESACK® and very wet PRESIDENT-TO-BE DOS COJONES GRANDES®!

Whoooo! Graphic violence!

Oh, tropichuntguy, I just MELT when you do that.

Off to watch. See y'all at the commercial break!

Miles! Drag queen...

Jack safely landed the plane this week, too. Good job!

red blinky thing is probably not good.

Wow! A T-1 line. You know that's high security.

overlay? WTF?

Call the help desk, who will tell you to turn it off, then turn it on.

Chloe does not make mistakes!

red blinky thing is probably not good.

SHE was responsible?!?!?!?! Go to hell, Jack! You could've saved or broadcasted that thing a hundred times. Don't piss me off...

It's all CHLOE's FAULT?????? Jack, you freakin' a&&hole!!!! Oooooooooooooh you b&sta*d!!!!!

I STILL can't believe Chloe (!) got pWned by MILES 1) of all people...

Jack,
Kick the crap out of him!!!

That guy was just trying to do his job.

Miiiiles, you in truuuuble!

Of course they were smart enough to make a copy, right?

THIGH, JACK, THIGH!

NOT NECK, THIGH!!!

What are you doing Miles?


(Hal)

Girly slap!

The silent slap!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY Karen!!!!

I'ld of hit Miles harder then that!!!

Oo! Bitch-slapped!!

Karen just did something we'd all like to do for people who work for the president! You go, girl!

*applauds wildly for Karen*

You have pleased your master.

To keep you ahead of the plot, Aaron told Pres Weenie to get stuffed and then gave him the ultimate insult. He called him "Charles". Chloe can't control her satellites to find Bierko. She's losing her touch and going to new levels of pouting. Jack brokers a deal with Robocop to find Bierko. He has to work his magic and make Robo disappear!

sly! Hey, girl!

Good work Karen. You get a cookie.

So much for another van load of CTU red shirts...

Is that the guy Bierko nodded to?

NOT BIERKO! ANYONE BUT BIERKO! AND BY AN IND NO LESS!

ooooh a KAnister!

MORE KANISTERS OF DOOM?!?

Good Lord no...

Oh, not the Killer Kanisters again!

thanks arcticAl, wouldn't want to spoil it for everyone.

Chloe gets full domain!

Priority One. Wow.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 »

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment

Your Information

(Name and email address are required. Email address will not be displayed with the comment.)

-
 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise