Dave Barry's Blog

TRAVEL ADVISORY FOR THE BLOG HIMSELF

Please check to see which airline you're flying.

(Thanks to Karl Weckstrom)

FORGET HORROR MOVIES

It's time for Horror TV.

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

UNRELATED UPDATE: Seriously, folks. Please stop sending in stories about the breast-exam guy.

CELEBRITY UPDATE

I am sitting in the Detroit airport (that's what I do with my spare time; sit in airports) and I am reporting that Mr. Stevie Wonder just walked by.

UPDATE: I am also reporting that the Detroit airport is WAY nicer than the Miami airport. Maybe we should steal it.

FOR THE MILLIONS OF YOU WHO HAVE LONG WANTED TO BUILD A SMALL HOME TORNADO MACHINE, BUT COULD NOT FIND INSTRUCTIONS

...your wait is over.

(Via Gizmodo)

FULL POTENTIAL OF INTERNET FINALLY REALIZED

MooTube

(Here's an explanation, sort of)

ATTENTION, ONLINE SHOPPERS

Be very careful.

WAIT A MINUTE...

Didn't somebody already do this?

(Thanks to Gregg W. Jackson, this blog's old college roomie)

SPORTS UPDATE FROM GERMANY

They're very excited about the World Cup.

(Thanks to Frank Smith)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

And we're not even going to add "So far."

(Thanks to many people)

FLYING

it's 6 a.m. here at the Miami International Airport and Permanent Construction Zone. I'd like to buy a newspaper, but I can't: The newspaper stand on my concourse isn't open yet. Must be too early for them, even though there are thousands of people here waiting for planes. Fortunately the airport p.a.-system volume is cranked way up, so while we sit, not reading newspapers, we can enjoy the sound of loud airport pseudojazz. Nothing like a wailing sax at 6 a.m., except maybe root canal.

WOMAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

We found out about this from judi, whose reaction was, and we quote, "Yowza."

DUH

FATHER'S DAY UPDATE

Father wants this.

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

WHOOPS

From the headline, we assumed this was another Tom Cruise story.

(Thanks to everybody)

A MOMENT OF GUY JOY

If you are reading this, then I have managed to blog from my new phone, which I have spent so much time with in the past 24 hours that my wife is, frankly, jealous.

ATTENTION, DALLAS RESIDENTS

It is time to purchase your earplugs.

(Denver and LA residents: You, too.)

GOLF UPDATE

Woof.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FATHER'S DAY UPDATE

If you get Dad this, make sure you also get him this.

(Thanks to Kalyani)

BADLY OVERVALUED EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weimgarten)

SHOW-BUSINESS RESUME OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

PHONE HELL

I have not been blogging much today because I dropped my phone, so I got a new phone, which means I have been shuttling back and forth between my house and the phone store trying to get the email part of my new phone to work. The phone store is 83 blocks from my house, and I have made three round trips so far in Miami traffic, which means in the past four hours I have taken 23 years off my life.

The good news is that, if I ever get my new phone to work, it has a less-crappier (but still crappy) CrapCam. But that is a mighty big "if." Right now I am blogging this from the phone-store computer, which they are letting me use because at this point I am viewed as practically an employee. Robert (the guy who has been helping me) has taken my phone into the Back Room. I think maybe he is beating it with a pipe. That's what I would do. We have tried everything else.

Gotta go now. I have a customer. 

PRETEND-THIS-HAS-SOMETHING-TO-DO-WITH-"24" PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

Don't let stick-figure Jack die!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

EASTER BUNNY ASSAULT UPDATE

We love The Smoking Gun.

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Squid have personalities.

24 UPDATE

I just read the comments, and the excellent (as usual) recap by the badly overcaffeinated always excellent Steve, and I want to make sure I understand this correctly: Jack could have saved the nation, or saved Audrey, and HE PICKED AUDREY??

Man.

Anyway, good work by everyone. Except Jack, who is starting to seem less manly than Chloe.

24

Because I have something better to do of an unavoidable scheduling conflict, I will be unable to watch 24 tonight. Once again I'll be relying on you commenters to provide your random brain ejaculations thoughtful analysis on tonight's action.

And there is probably going to be a lot of action tonight. Here is where the plot stands, as far as we have been able to determine using powerful university supercomputers:

Edgar is still dead.

Jack Bauer is trying to take down the President of the United States for his role in the Killer Kanister plot, which very nearly caused hundreds of thousands of innocent viewers to die of boredom.The president has ordered the CTU to arrest Jack. This is not really a big deal. The CTU gets ordered to arrest Jack roughly every 45 minutes, and it never works out.

Working on Jack's side against the president and the entire U.S. government are deceased former president Allstate's brother Wayne, as well as Chloe and Audrey. Not to beat a dead horse, but: Audrey continues to eat up huge chunks of air time. They should just call the show 24 Hours of Audrey and be done with it.

Anyway, last week Audrey contacted her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, who has been flying around in his official government jet since last year, waiting to return to the plot.Tonight, according to the previews, he will confront President Manilow. Also there will be helicopters and of course shooting.

That is where we stand. I look forward to your comments. Please remember that literally billions of people depend on this blog for accurate information about 24, so please do not post any comment unless you are totally 100 percent certain that you have had a couple of beers. Thank you, and good luck.

"AN INTERNATIONAL SEX SYMBOL"

That would be Chloe.

(Thanks to ArcticAl)

CAN YOU HEAR FEEL ME NOW?

Teledildonics.

(Thanks to Michael)

AT FIRST WE FOUND THIS STORY DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE

And yet it's right here, on the Internet.

(Thanks to Fane Henderson)

BE READY

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to get old.¹

(Thanks to Sarah J)

¹Uh-oh.

WHY WE LOVE FLORIDA

Because our Easter Bunny can beat up your Easter Bunny.

UPDATE: More info here, thanks to Justin Hagerman.

MOVE OVER, NUMANUMA GUY

Here comes DEA Guy.

(Thanks to chicomathmom, first of many)

HIPPITY HOPPITY

Easter's on i...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick. We don't want to know what you were looking for when you found this.)

WHAT DAD REALLY WANTS FOR FATHER'S DAY

Something practical.

(Viua Gizmodo)

WASN'T THIS A SIXTIES ROCK BAND?

Two-Tailed Lizard

JUSTICE IS BLIND

Also, young.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

24

Everybody watches. Everybody.

(Thanks to James in NC)

BREAKING SPORTS UPDATE

This just in on the Buccoo Goat Festival:

Among the goats that are expected to be in the limelight at both Mt Pleasant and Buccoo are Equaliser, Kyls Hero, Sweet Berry, Guinea Pepper, Malta Carib, Uncle Sam and Nuclear Missile.

SPORTS UPDATE

Oink.

(Thanks to Geoff Millener)

PROTEST OF THE DAY SO FAR

There's a photo in the Canton Repository (yes, the Canton Repository) but you may have to register to see it.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

"WELL, DUH" HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

FIRST, GAS HITS THREE DOLLARS A GALLON...

...and now this.

EASTER 1958 UPDATE

As in most traditional Christian households, an important part of our Easter observance was having the second-oldest male child dress as Zorro.

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Spider poachers.

EASTER

My brother Phil found this photo from Easter, 1958. At left is my sister, Kate, holding our little brother, Sam. Phil's in the middle, and I am the Easter-basket-holding dweeb on the right. We're standing in the house we grew up in, in Armonk, N.Y. My dad, who probably took this photo,  built most of that house himself. He wasn't a builder; he was a Presbyterian minister who didn't have enough money to hire somebody to build a house, so he sort of learned as he went along. We grew up with lots of unfinished surfaces.

It feels as if this picture was taken a million years ago.

Anyway, happy Easter to all of you. If you're lucky enough to be with family, bear in mind that no matter what it feels like, life is, in fact, mighty short.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO LOSE NINE STONE (AND WHO IS NOT?)

Here's the diet for (ribbit) you.

WHEW

(Thanks to Addicted to 24)

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOOVIE

WE MUST HAVE MISSED THAT PARTICULAR FAIRY TALE

The one where you eat a room.

(Thanks to April Krueger)