YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!

Take that!¹

(Thanks to Ian Clark)

¹Men: Do not click the link.

Comments

[daisymae]

First?

[CoastRaven]

Of all the times NOT to listen to the all-knowing-and-wise Blessed judi!! *crosses legs for the remainder of the day*

[bahoola]

can't cops use their guns any more?

[daisymae]

Sounds like the guy was on crystal meth. Urk!

[daisymae]

(*snorking* quietly at CR's pain)

[bahoola]

"quick joe,
grab the penis recovery kit from the trunk!,
i'll stun this guy, if we move fast this story will
have a happy ending!"

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

I am feeling whoozie. Whoozy? Dizzy.

[Some_people_juggle_geese™]

Had a snappy response but it left me.

[bahoola]

naked guy,
severed penis,
cops,
lunchtime?
Pigs in a blanket anyone!

[Some_people_juggle_geese™]

I have finally learned to listen when the link has do not open at work. That does not stop me from reading the responses though.

[bahoola]

"'About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis,' Dolan said"

lucky the police dogs were still in the car...

[Suzy Q]

*crosses legs in solidarity with CoastRaven, even though I don't have a penis, severed or otherwise*

[Some_people_juggle_geese™]

Snork at Bahoola.

Hello, Help desk.

[bahoola]

no mention of the outdoor temp.
but i'm sure there was...shrinkage..

[Ivory Bill Woodpecker]

IF they can show that Crazy Boy mutilated himself because he was high on some drug, the schools should trumpet that fact to all their male students--watch male drug use drop faster than Clinton's trousers or Dubya's approval ratings! (How's that for bipartisanship?)

[Ivory Bill Woodpecker]

And of course, "Penis Recovery Kit" WBAGNFARB!

[bahoola]

batton weilding police officer
instinctivley swings at flying penis,
--"ground rules double if it's on the roof"---

[queensbee]

i guess its hard to come up with a good comment in this category..... other than OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

[CoastRaven]

bahoola's on a roll!!!
*guffasnork*

[yanya8]

So he cuts off his own penis and throws it away, yet they STILL reattach it? WTF??!!! Do they actually WANT this idiot to still be able to procreate?!

[bahoola]

on a roll w/ mustard and onions...??
side order of cheesy fries, awww

[Ivory Bill Woodpecker]

Yanya8 has a point--the guy deserves nomination for a Darwin Award.

[artchick]

Okay, this is off the subject (sorry, I know that penis-related topics are a favorite here) but I have a question. I'm an illustrator and at the moment I am painting a nativity scene for a card company. The art director told me not to make baby Jesus have a glowing halo, because "we don't want a radioactive Jesus". My first thought, of course, was that Radioactive Jesus would be a great name for a rock band. Should I be worried that the blog has this much influence on my every waking moment? Or should I just drink to forget?

[Mr. Completely]

Ivory Bill - No, it wouldn't.

[bahoola]

radioactive jesus,
leader of a little-known
christian cult living
just outside Chernobyl, sorry...

[southerngirl]

Should I be worried that the blog has this much influence on my every waking moment? Or should I just drink to forget?

Posted by: artchick | 11:05 AM on March 17, 2006

No, you shouldn't be worried, and any excuse for a drink is fine. :)

[bahoola]

maybe jesus w/ a gold crown?
and a bottle of, for you...

[Lairbo]

1st Cop: "We have you surrounded! Throw out your penis and come out with your hands up!"

2nd Cop: "Um, I think that's supposed to be 'put the gun down and come out with your. . .' Oops! Too late!"

[Suzy Q]

*passes the tequila bottle to artchick*

Drink up! Ir's good fer ya!

[bahoola]

Roll out the penis!
we'll have a _____ of fun!

[bahoola]

english cop on scene
" i hate bloody penis tosssers!"

[puppytoes]

yay for judi (and ian clark)!!

i tried to leave a link to this story on the canadian sex/tv survey comment page, but i guess no one was interested (i'm thinkin' it was just too early in the morning for tales of scary self-mutilation...)

: P

[Somewhere North]

Well really Pogo - as long as you people are cutting off your p*nises, its no wonder Canadians are having better s*x. That's just skewing the results entirely.

[CoastRaven]

Artchick - just make sure his penis isnt severed (or glowing)
*dives under a table to avoid the lightning*
And pass that tequila under here is ya dont mind folks!

[MartiniShark]

Based on what I have learned from movies--which exceeds that gleaned from formal education--I can only assume his weapon was not loaded when he tossed it. (British double-entendre).

Guess cops will need to wear condoms over their flak-jackets.

[daisymae]

*GUFFASNORK* WBAAWESOMENFARB

[daisymae]

Is it tequila that they put in margaritas? I'll have a frozen margarita, thank you.

[daisymae]

Guess cops will need to wear condoms over their flak-jackets.

Martini - wasn't there a Saturday Night Live skit about that? I remember something about body condoms.

[artchick]

Mmm, margaritas.... I have made sure that baby Jesus does not have a glowing, yet severed penis, and there are no cops with tasers in the picture. However, the art director did make me move Mary's hand because it was a bit too close to Jesus's "diaper region" and the greeting card police might have protested.

Bet you guys never realized what a serious business greeting card design is.

[MartiniShark]

DAISMAE--
there was the Galactic Prophylactic: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/82/82apopeil.phtml

(and it is in fact AGNFARB:
http://www.newsreview.com/chico/Content?oid=oid%3A5648

I also recall a gag from one of the "Police Squad" movies where the couple falls into bed wearing body condoms.
Makes one wonder what intellectual properties have been pushed out to make room in the brain these arcane trivialities.

[daisymae]

Martini - now I remember it was one of the Leslie Nielson movies with Leslie and Priscilla Presley in body condoms. Hilarious! ANybody remember the movie? (don't think is was Police Squad, but I could be wrong)

[Some_people_juggle_geese.™]

Naked Gun from the files of Police Squad.

[skm]

If I was one of the cops, I would have kicked the penis under a bush and claimed to not know where it ended up. But, I'm just rude like that. "Rude Like That" WBAGNFORB!?

[Eleanor]

skm - No.

artchick - there's nothing wrong with you. You have your priorities in the proper order:

1. DB blog
2. Alcohol
3. there is no 3 unless it's s*x - heh, heh.
4. work

[tsktsk]

Maybe he was actually trying to surrender gradually...you know, a little bit at a time...

And if he was British, would the correct for the moment when the police saw the projectile be "spotted dick"?

[Brad]

That's totally Fik'd up.

[Mad SoapBoxer]

"...two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage to property, said Officer Laura Kubiak."

The fact that he apparently threw his severed dangly bit at a FEMALE cop would lead me to believe he just wanted to get her attention and couldn't think of a good pick-up line. I'm confused about the "damage to property" thing though... I gather when you cut it off, it's no longer part of you and it becomes "property"? El, what's the legal precedent for THAT rule? And if it was still part of him and he hacked on it without severing it, what would they charge him with?

Then again, I'm not sure any of that matters -- now that I think about it, what's most important is making sure he doesn't reproduce. Mankind is in serious danger here people! Inquiring (but not very smart) minds want to know if they tied him off when they reattached, which the report failed to mention! Poor journalism again, missed the really critical part of the story...

[Eleanor]

FCDA says that the man was on PCP and wouldn't even feel the pain when he cut it off and that's why also he was hard (har!) to take into custody.

MadS. Brandishing a weapon comes to mind. :)

[Mr. Completely]

Assault with a friendly weapon?

[CandyTutt]

On reattaching the penis: "...success is usually pretty good."
D'uh... success = pretty good
Methinks English might not be the doctor's first language?
"All your penis are belong to us."

[Mad SoapBoxer]

Mr. C said "Assault with a friendly weapon?"

Ah yes, one of the greatest western movie lines of all time! If it wasn't Friday, I'd have remembered (HAR!) that!

[Stupendous Man]

Notice at the bottom of the story it says:
"Contributing: Annie Sweeney"
Had to get a little Irish in the story.

Obviously, this guy's girlfriend back in Poland told him she wouldn't marry him unless he was circumcised. He just took it a little too far, doncha think?

[Annie Where-but-here]

CandyTutt - when the doc said "...success is usually pretty good," he meant that success is usually something you want to attain.

He must have an advanced degree.....of stupidity.

[Betsy]

-Naaah...the doctor was just abbreviating the phrase "success rate". It's like saying, "Our mortality improved 14% over last year" -- something I've heard so often it doesn't even register any more. (p.s. an improvement in your mortality rate is a decrease in deaths. They all know this, but passers-by can become alarmed.)

As for the penis flinger, I was quite impressed that it was the police who stunned him, and not vice versa.

[Meanie the Green]

Blog cultural education fact no. 1,069: "Fick" is German for "F*ck".

Discuss.

[KDF O'Sheep]

*adds German expletive to list of utterances suitable for use in English-speaking general public*

[U.O]

Mebbe he wuz afraid of the cops 'cuz he thot they'd arrest him on charges of bringin' up the whole penis thing ... again ...

[Coral]

Fik~ "Ya wanna piece a me!??? Huh?? Huh??
(throws penis)

Cop #1~ What the????

Cop #2 ~ It's ok, His license says he's an organ donor.

[Bill]

And, believe it or not, the ad next to the story the first time I opened it showed a woman eating a hot dog.

[omfgwtfbbq_hethrewit]

When I first heard of this I envisioned a desperate chase down a narrow alley way - Fik (or whatever his name was) throws everything he has at the police, but nothing slows them down. Finally, he thinks of the ONE THING that would make ANY COP stop. *hack* *toss* *split*

*Splat*
Cop 1: *Stops* What... the... #&*^ was that?! Something just hit me in the face!
Cop 2: I think he just hit you with his *#&@#...
Cop 1: OH GOD! OH GOD!

P.S. Carlos Mencia (comedy central) had another fun interpretation.