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March 12, 2006

TRAVEL UPDATE

I have arrived in London, and things are going well. Of course we're still taxiing toward the gate, so that could change. Judging by the view out the window, I would say this area has a gray climate, with many airplanes.

UPDATE: London is an incredibly vibrant city, with an astounding array of amazing sights to see, such as the toilet in my hotel room, which has two flush buttons, one for each number (one, and of course two). I had heard of such toilets, but this is the first time I have ever experienced one up close. No sign of the squid so far, thank God.

Here is an exclusive CrapCam photograph of the dual-action toilet-flush button:


Photo_031206_004

UPDATE: Also, they have rugby on TV here. My question: Is there anything that's illegal in that sport?

March 11, 2006

STRUMPETING UPDATE

People who can listen to BBC radio might want to listen tomorrow around noon, UK time. We apologize for not knowing the specifics, but.... if you listen, they will strumpet. Maybe.

UPDATE: Not strumpeting, but traveling, upbackdate, courtesy of xmnr

UPDATE: Check here for strumpeting updates

UH-OH

Nobody, nobody better tell The Blog

(Thanks to Adonis)

¹And no one should point out that the article is dated 2002.

p.s. Pursuant to Godwin's law, no one should mention the N-word, either, or you lose.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Today I leave for a week-long trip to England, Ireland and Scotland, where Ridley and I will be strumpeting for our book. We're looking forward to it, though we're also nervous, because we'll be competing for attention against a squid.

Unfortunately, this trip will force me to miss Monday night's episode of 24 AND the first episode of the new season of The Sopranos, not to mention the end of the Academy Awards telecast, which is expected to conclude at some point next week with a moving montage of the closing credits of 2,000 of Hollywood's greatest classics. I will rely on you commenters to keep me posted on these things, as well as any other important news developments.

I'll try to blog from the British Isles, but it may be tricky because over there the electricity is bigger and the Internet goes the other direction

PC WORLD

What's next? Jack Rainbow? The RainbowEyed Peas?

(Thanks to Craig Ferguson)

March 10, 2006

WHAT KIND OF BANDAGE DOES A MAN NEED?

A man needs a manly bandage.

(Thanks to Kent and Christine Oots)

(Yes, "Oots")

CULTURE UPDATE

No doubt about it, we live in a Golden Age of Theater.

(Thanks to Ady O.)

Update: In other breaking doll news, we have this.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME

Radio Low-Cost Provider¹

(Thanks to Russell Mc, who suggests the call letters WHOR)

¹

A CRY FOR HELP

To Dave Barry:

I come humbly to you, the only Person of National Renown who writes about low-flow toilets, to seek counsel.

I have two young children, who are sadly constipated much of the time, and when they're not constipated, they're dumping poops the density of granite into the toilets. I already have a rule that they must flush, then wipe and then flush the wipes, but they never get that far because the poops simply won't go down.

This is a bad problem. We are blessed with three potties in our house, and sometimes two out of three are clogged. Daily I must get out my trusty plunger, which is actually cracked from overuse.

Once I had to call a plumber to unclog the toilet. Oh, he thought perhaps my son had mischievously thrown a small toy into the potty, but as he got the clog fixed, he said with solemn wonder, "No, it's really just doody."

Yes, I bet you've heard these stories before. But now there's a new
wrinkle: My daughter has developed a fear of clogged toilets. She wants me to flush her poops away, because it scares her when the water disappears and goes glug-glug.

I am totally serious. She was in tears the other night, trembling as she
stared, frozen with fear, at the flush lever.

Does this not break your heart?

Now, I have consulted my pediatrician about the constipation, so don't think I'm seeking medical advice from you, a humorist. No, it is legal advice I seek.

I believe I may have a lawsuit over emotional distress. Have you made any connections with high-powered attorneys who would want my case? I'll need money for some kind of desensitization therapy for my daughter. But I want to let you know that I will not selfishly squander the remaining settlement money on myself, but will set up a charitable foundation to provide low-cost, quality potties to the needy.

Please advise.

Sincerely (?),

Joyce West

This blog advises you to file a major lawsuit against everybody, starting with Vice President Cheney.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using taxi snakes.

(Thanksssssss to Claire Martin)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE NEWS COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Pygmy-goat rustlers.

(Mike Hooker, reporting)

WEIRDEST TOILET-RELATED STORY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote: "Police attended the scene but concluded there was nothing suspicious about the lungs."

MAN'S SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND

Do not click here if you are a male of the masculine gender.

LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT

We are happy that it's the middle of the night, so we are not at all tempted to blog things that we have vowed not to blog, because we are going to sleep now.

(And we are glad Charley D. is asleep now too, so he will never know that we haven't blogged it.)

GET PRODUCTIVE

Let's touch some balls.

(Thanks to blog king Ken Layne)

March 09, 2006

UPCOMING EVENT

Could someone please get directions?

(Thanks to fivver)

DON'T DO IT!

You'll be sorry...

(Thanks to Robert Campbell)

I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE KITCHEN, DR. LECTER

Such an... unusual knife-holder.

(Via Gizmodo)

UPDATE: judi, in a snippy email, advises this blog that she blogged this item last year. Probably it also has already been featured on America's Wackiest Knife Holders. This blog is truly sorry.

THE KEY TO PERFORMING HUMOR

You need a good audience.

(Via the incredibly informative weekly chat of Mr. Gene Weingarten)

RESTAURANT REVIEW

Try the Cowboy Leg.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WARNING:
Some strong language. Funny, but strong.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

The Rescue of Cow 139

TREND ALERT

According to this feature article, farting is now "in."

WAIT A MINUTE...

We lost to Canada? CANADA??

We need to go back to the old traditional style of World Series, wherein only teams from the United States are permitted to play.

March 08, 2006

LET IT NOT BE SAID...

...that the s.b. avoids the tough choices while The Blog's away.

(Thanks to George Spiggott)

LIFE IN FLORIDA

It's different from where you live. Longer growing season, for one thing.

(Thanks to Evan Maxon)

REASONS NOT TO SCUBA DIVE

Number 783

(Thanks first to Drew Harchick)

WALK LIKE A MAN

Or not.

(Thanks to Michelle Covert)

THEY SAY CHIMPS ARE THE CLOSEST RELATIVE TO HUMANS

We wish.

(Thanks to Eren Brumley)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Reason Number 691.

(Thanks to Joe P.)

ADVICE FOR THE BLOG

If you want to win awards, you'll have to come up with snappier book titles.

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

ZOO FASCISM ALERT

What, those fences are for people?!

(Thanks to Jennifer Erdmann, first among many)

CELEBRITY TOILET UPDATE

Maybe, just to be safe, Mary J should demand one of the new Australian models.

DECADES FROM NOW, GUYS WILL REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE THEY WERE WHEN THEY FIRST HEARD THE NEWS

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I will be traveling across the country today, so I'll be unable to blog much, as I will have to focus all of my mental energy on keeping the plane in the air despite the fact that it is a giant heavy truck-like thing that has no business whatsoever flying, or even rolling fast on the ground. I'm returning from Walnut Creek, Calif., where I had a fine evening last night. Earlier yesterday, humor writer Malcolm Fleschner presented me with a really classy T-shirt (that's Malcolm holding it below). I plan to wear it around Miami, where I will no doubt be hit on constantly by hot female walruses.

Oosik_tshirt

March 07, 2006

IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR STRICT POLICY OF NOT MAKING FUN OF ANYBODY'S NAME

We will not be linking to this.

(Thanks to Adam VanGrack)

ECONOMICS 101

Key quote: Guys, nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day" more than "low-cost provider."

(Thanks to "jag," a reproductive-option buyer who doesn't want to be credited by name in case his kids google him.)

IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A SNAKE

EDGAR

We hardly knew ye.

THOSE FUN-LOVING HOOSIERS

They've got their points of interest all right.

(Thanks to Josh Whicker)

UPCOMING EBAY ITEM OF THE WEEK

(Thanks to purt' nigh ever'body)

MAN, HE'S FAST

Jack Bauer visits Ethiopia.

(Thanks to blondie)

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG

...to bring you a bittersweet story about naked men a baseball player, written by a friend of mine, Gael Cooper. And I apologize in advance to The Blog, who doesn't really understand my passion for naked men OR baseball, but will probably not fire me for blogging a serious item just this once.

NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

The Aussies need to beef up their commode standards.

WHOA

So last night at 10 I was asleep, because I had to get up really early today, and my phone rang. It was my son, who rarely calls, so instantly I knew that something was very, very wrong. And something was.

"They killed Edgar!" he said.

And my immediate thought was: "Ohmigod! Now the terrorists have harpoons!"

No, really, after I got over the shock, my thought was that it must have been a heckuvan episode. That thought was confirmed  this morning at the airport when I read all 786,000 of your comments, and learned that not only did Jack shoot somebody in the thigh, but there was a gas attack at CTU HQ (which apparently has the same level of security as a Dairy Queen) AND a trailer for X-Men 3 AND a return by Jack's whiny annoying daughter AND -- most exciting of all -- a new model of the Ipex brand brassiere.

You people did a FABULOUS job of covering these develoments. Thank you. Now I'm going to get on an airplane, and think about Edgar, and be sad, but also relieved that Edgar is not on the airplane.

March 06, 2006

24

To summarize the situation: Last week, in downtown Los Angeles -- which is famous for this kind of traffic snafu -- the terrorists attacked the Russian president's motorcade, which also contained the First Lady. The terrorists used machine guns, a missile and a flamethrower, apparently purchased at one of the many Terrorist Depot stores in Southern California, but CTU thwarted the attack, and now the terrorists are threatening, for like the 300th time, to unleash the Fatal Deadly Lethal Toxic Nerve Gas Canisters of Death, which have been trucked all over Southern California and are currently on a VIP tour of Knott's Berry Farm. Jack Bauer was not involved in the thwarting because he was locked in a room with a bomb, which blew up and pretty much knocked down the building, but of course it did not in any way harm Jack.

Meanwhile back at CTU HQ the Hobbit has been removed from power via a Section 112. The president is still an idiot (I mean the one in the show). Jack's hot new girlfriend is still totally missing from the plot. Audrey continues to play a major role in the plot. They are trying to make us like Audrey this year by not having her weep everytime somebody farts, but it is not going to work.Edgar continues to grow exponentially and is currently the size of New Zealand.

I leave the analysis of tonight's show in your hands. Good luck. If you see a montage, you have mistakenly tuned in to the Academy Awards, which are just starting to wind down.

DO NOT FORGET

There will be two hours of canister-huntin', thigh-shootin', perimeter-establishin', moron-president-vacillatin', Jack-Bauer-style action tonight, starting at 8 Eastern. Before the show starts I will post a plot summary, to which you can append insightful comments ("First," for example).

ATTENTION, JAPANESE MOBSTERS GETTING TOO OLD TO BEAT PEOPLE UP FOR MONEY

Don't give up hope!

(Thanks to Michael Leone)

NOW WE KNOW WHAT JACK BAUER DOES ON THE 364 DAYS A YEAR WHEN HE IS NOT WORKING

He shoots dice.

(Thanks to Fax Paladin)

 
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