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March 15, 2006

MOVE OVER, MARTHA STEWART

He writes columns and books, "plays" the guitar, strumpets like a house afire, and can still surprise us with his hidden talents.

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OHMIGAWD - A personal favorite recipe od THE Dave Barry!!!

AND my FIRST spelling mistake of the day!!

second!

I'm the second person to post! Today is going to be a good day!

Awww! I like Peter Pan™ too! I feel special.

*skips off to make toast*

What a complete handbag! Chunky is the way to go.

I heard a rumor that you slept with Bruce Springsteen so that he would teach you a G chord.

Please say it isn't so.


When is Dave having his Stewart-like IPO? I would invest in that. I'm sure there are a few quarters in my couch...

KDF - just as long as you don't Skippy ™ off to make that toast. *wink*

Choosy mothers choose Jiff™.

True about Jiff there MOTW, but every time Dave mentions Peter Pan in an interview, he gets royalties from Disney - just dont tell them he was talking about peanut butter and not the book.

Chunky with a banana on white is the ginchiest.

Dave's next book: "Dave's Secrets to Cooking: Such as What Betty Crocker is Hiding Under that Apron"

Dave...I'm somewhat confused. I have a toaster oven. I have no lever to 'push down' to toast the bread...HELP ME!!!!

I'm having a variation of the recipe this morning. English muffin with Nutella. Mmmm

MOTW - *snork* and dang, wish I'd thought of that! ;)

Blue - Who you callin' a handbag?!

This peels back a layer and allows us to see the creative process behind the master. He eats peanut butter, the brand name of which inspires him to write a book based on the titular character.

What next may be on the horizon? Does dave drink Donald Duck OJ? Does he eat Little Debbie snack cakes? My grocery store can be a veritable literary bounty in his hands!

Banana Boats

1) Slice banana lengthwise.
2) Top with Peter Pan™ peanut butter.
3) Sprinkle with Rice Krispies™ and raisins.
4) Eat.
5) Chase with milk.

Brought to you by monkeys, Disney, Snap, Krackle, Pop, The Sun.Maid® lady with the basket of grapes, and the good people of the dairy industry.

Peter Pan brand peanut butter -- Dave, you clever boy!

apropos of nothing:

The ultimate blog news item:

A severed penis was found today inside the belly of a snake which was in the trunk of a car driven by Florida motorist Kevin Federline who, distracted by watching 24 on his ipod, swerved to miss a squirrel and ran over Barry Manilow who was walking his pet snake on his way to a radio station to strumpet his new book "Music for Terrorist Bastards".

Sorry I forgot the ramparts.

KDF - I was callin' a guy who goes for creamy Peter Pan a handbag. Not sure why a dignified lady such as yourself would find this image offensive if applied to antimale types.

However, with the benefit of shrewd enlightenment from Coast and Tamara, it is clear that at least the Peter Pan angle is a stroke of marketing genius.

Actually apropos of nothing:

Why did I stay up incredibly late drinking Sam Adams and eating Cheez-It Twisterz® and watching Daily Show clips and reading I'm with Stupid?

Are bags under the eyes "in"?

how disappointing. i thought "DAVE BARRY'S TOAST WITH PEANUT BUTTER" was going to be a sort of celabratory speech for the barney watching crowd. hrmph.


TRWC - now you have a complete eyebag!

WOW! Dave can fit a whole jar of peanut butter in his mouth! That IS talent!

LBFF - Try your Nutella with B-butter and bananna!
Yummy!!!

a toast with peanut butter...

ldrst nd gnttlm mrfth wrth fthsh!

Dave, being gourmands ourselves, my roomie and I have developed the uber-sophisticated "two fingers and crackers" technique.

Ingredients:
Jar of Peanut Butter
1 Cracker (add more to suit taste)
Your index and middle fingers, preferably washed

Directions:
Open jar of Peanut Butter
Insert fingers and scoop to desired amount
Smear on cracker
Consume sweet sweet peanutty goodness
Repeat as desired

Warning:
If sharing this delicacy with friends or pets, be sure they don't have cooties. This technique is the leading cause of cootie transmission in the western hemisphere.

MS sed "...eat Little Debbie..." and mud mentioned "ramparts" -- I can see Dave's mental wheels spinning here, considering moving into a whole new "literary" genre. I'm sure he'd be well suited to developing appropriate XXX "strumpet" characters, there would CERTAINLY be oosiks, inflatable mannequins, pencils and assorted crustaceans down pants involved. "Little Debbie, The Secret of the Creme Filling" WBAGNFTNB

Wow Tamara -- staying up late while drinking Sam Adams. Truly a woman after my own liver...Heart...I meant to say heart.

*zips in*

Creamy peanut butter is the ONLY way to go - duh! I've always been a Skippy creamy kind of girl, but now that I know that Dave prefers Peter Pan...
wait!
Is there a Peter Pan brand peanut butter?
I thought there was just Skippy, Jif, and icky store brands.
OH - and Goober, with the strips of jelly down the sides of the jar. That was a quick here today, gone tomorrow fad - but fun while it lasted. :)

Tamara- That's such a coinkydink! I did the same thing, except with Pringles.

And bags under the eyes are the new sexy. Really! I read it somewhere.

chunky! gotta be chunky. and definitely peter pan. no skippy for me. whadda ya think, i'm some kinda handbag?
apropos of the other item - the picture with barney - i recall a nooz article or even a tv piece, wherein the punishment for people with minor traffic violations -- several violations -- was to sit in a room and listen to the Barney song for 6 hrs.... i didnt make that up.
try and get that Barney song outta your head now! not easy when your mouth is stuck closed with smooth peanut butter, is it?

Martini-- I didn't think you'd say "heart" or "liver"...

Sam's hawt.

Fed & Tamara: I also stayed up late reading "I'm With Stupid" last night. (Bourbon, ham sandwich).
Wow, it's like we have the same literary interests or something. Who would ever have thought that three random people would be interested in the same author so much that they would actually..

Oh, wait...

Nevermind.

Blue - I thought you were calling me a handbag, becausethis lady likes Peter Pan™ Creamy style! Hmmmph.

*exhales, removes hands from hips*

I do believe we've had our first fight. Tickety-boo now, though, in'nit?

*offers Blue a fresh cup of coffee and his own personal jar of crunchy peanut butter*

Bucket-Sounds good! I'll try it.

*snork* at insom's toast w/pb

KDF-Isn't there supposed to be ice cream in those boats??

Mud- since we like the same authors, you should definitely check out "Dave Barry" or his blog.

He's a young upstart, but I think he's really going places.

p.s. What kind of bourbon?

RE: I'm with Stupid -- There were two lines I read last night that really cracked me up. One was Gene's idea for a new sacrament. Can't remember the other yet. (Thanks, Sam.)

He writes columns and books, "plays" the guitar, strumpets like a house afire and apparently cozies up to a variety of barnyard animals. NTTAWWT

Dave, come home before we get a picture of you with sheep. You are in Ireland after all.

Lisa, you're talking about frozen banana boats. I read about them in I'm with Stupid.

*Cancels appointment with counselor*
*Washes index and middle fingers*

Cheers!

No, [mmnph] I'm not [mmnph, gurgle] Irish.

M the B - just remember, this Friday, everyone is Irish.

Pass the Guiness.

Oh! I remember the other thing!

"I say they can all go f*ck zirselves"!

Hee hee hee hee hee!

I know, Aunt N, my green peanut butter is all ready.

Separate jars of peanut bar + English/Cockney translator = peace, tolerance, bliss.

Math is so cool.

I'm loving Nutella on banana bread. (Note to self: pick up case of Harp to celebrate in true irish fashion.)

2nd

There wuz an event when the question of Crunchy v. Creamy peanut butter helped me realize that realize that My Bride (Remember Her?) could read minds -- at least mine, which was prolly NBD, considering -- and I have considered moi ownself to have been "warned" ever since ...

Guys of the male gender type ... this should be a caution to y'all as well ... I Am Not Making This Up ... she read my mind, thru walls, doors and other obstructions ...

Ya might wanna consider whut this means, if other female gender type non-guys have similar talents ... merely sayin' ...

O.the U - thats why - when our minds are idle (which is most of the time) we just keep thinking "Music Sex & Cookies - Cookies Music & Sex" - eventually they begin to think we have a one track mind, and we can move on to other things when they arent looking.

Worryingly..."Peter Pan" whipped peanut butter is said to be "A Weight Watchers ® favorite". Dave isn't eating lo-cal PB like a big girl's blouse, is he? No no no...

**hands Insom a glass of milk**

Eating peanut butter OFF a big girls blouse would be fun though!

I must confess I've lost all my brand consciousness of peanut butter, even though I continue to enjoy it. I even like the Kroger brand.

Must be getting old. Dammit.

CR, you'd freaking better NOT get peanut butter on my--er, any girl's--blouse!

Not gettin old C-bol... just goin (pea)nuts

I still enjoy a good ole' peanut butter-and-banana sandwich, I gotsta admit... crunchy vs. creamy depends on my mood.

And like C'bol, the brand really doesn't matter anymore.

...and before anyone asks, I did NOT say crunchy vs. creamy Depends™. That would be just sick.

Tam - ever seen a dog when ya give them peanut butter? You know - they just keep licking and licking until every taste of the stuff if gone from their mouth... keep that top of mind. Not sayin I'm a dog - well mebbe I am.

*reads Mr C's 2nd post*

*grimaces, cover eyes, shakes head*

*goes outside for some air*

"Old Forester", (which the smartass kids at the liquor store always pronounce "Old Fart" and then laugh at their own dumb joke like their the first person in the world to poke fun at people their parent's age for being that age and then I smile for a moment before showing him my nine and saying "I'll be taking the cash drawer too, wet-pants" and then I'll lock him in the walk-in beer cooler before I leave with my jacket full of cash and beef jerky.) It's pretty good, and cheap.

mmmmm - peanut butter

best eaten straight from the jar - the brand doesn't matter (within limits, of course), but chunky is surely the way to go

O.theU - if that's the case, how come I'm always hearing "What the h*ll were you thinking?!"

peanut butter and banana sandwiches - yum. gotta be creamy Jif,though. imo.

Mr. C, yep - sick. ;)

*stays gone for a really long time to make it look like she really went outside*

*actually is tied to her desk with phone cord*

CR -- If the peanut butter is touching my blouse, the game is over. It's no fun when it just means more laundry. ;)

Coast - try puttin' a big scoop of peanut butter on top of the dog's snout - some might say that's just bein' mean, but it's freakin' hilarious (some might also say that I'm easily entertained, but i don't typically listen to some anyways)

wait - I'm distracted by the thought of Tamara tied to her desk. Or to anything, for that matter.

Oh my. More coffee is needed.

Only you people could make a Martha Stewart thread kinky.

*pretends to be offended*

KDF - The real wonder is that we can make the thread kinky despite the presence of Martha Stewart.

...and before anyone asks, I did NOT say crunchy vs. creamy Depends™. That would be just sick.

Posted by: Mr. Completely | 10:59 AM on March 15, 2006

Is that as bad as saying that I refuse to enter the creamy vs. crunchy debate because my daughter is home from school, sick with stomach flu?

Yeah, I know...

EEEEEWWW!!!

and if you need to give a dog a pill, hide it in pb. much easier than wrestling (NTTAWWT?) with the horse/hounds I always end up being owned by.

AN - Yes.

*winks and nods at Mr. C.*

Any flavor of pbutter is Good. Pbutter and banana samiches -- Excellent! TOASTED pbutter samiches -- Excellent! Yes!

Azred...vienna sausage or slices of hotdog are even easier, certainly less messy, than pbutter (simply slice, poke pill in the hot dog, dog inhales).

Senor Stuffin-

Sounds about like a typical Friday night when us pro's get bored. I walked up in a J. Barleycorn's and asked the little zit-faced baggy jeans clerk where was the Jager section (big-ballers never say the "meister") and he's like, "Yayger? I don't think we have that." And I whip out my Mossberg and growl, "Mr. Boomstick thinks you do." and strike a match on my face for effect. He poops his Xena underoos while I go find it myself, and when I show it to him he says, "Oh! Jag-ger-mees-ter!" and pronounces it with the J so I shot his car.
I'm glad you're with me on this one.

HOLY CRAP!! I just realized - Today's the Ides of March!! Beware!

*cowers under a Shakespearean bed...*

*remembers he's not Roman (he's Abbruzese)*

*relaxes, but stays under the bed...*

KDF sed "Only you people could make a Martha Stewart thread kinky."

?? I haven't seen anything kinky here at all. It all sounds perfectly normal to me...

I am a bit surprised that the debate has not moved on to whether crunchy frog is superior to creamy.

Egad! I thought "creamy" frog was only when they took the bones out; I didn't know they...!

oh, you're supposed to blenderize 'em and drink 'em! I thought you had to smoke 'em, and damned if I could get 'em lit

*Goes to closet to examine label on jar of Hoppy™ peanut butter*

OK Tamara -- you have a point...Hawt, Livah. His brew is wicked ahwsome. Either way I drink enough of Sam's nectar I wake up in the morning feeling re-tah-dead.

Fed Duck, you are so very, very special.

Use a blowtorch to light a frog. And a roach clip. Not that I have one or even know what one is, necesarrily.

Tamara - "creamy frog" results from an entirely different activity, which discretion prevents me from discussing.

Ok, on a post about peanut butter sandwiches, we so far covered:

Sam Adams
Pringles
Dave switching to p0rn writing
I'm With Stupid
The Ides of March
Robbing Liquor Stores
Big girl's blouses
The appropriate way to eat frogs

You guys rock. :)

KDF- That's what my teachers always said! I never understood the air quotes around "special" though.

AHHH - it is a special day indeed when two of the three threads for the day have Underoo references!

*pops off to the Strumpeting Thread to make it a trifecta*

CoastR' - yeah, whut you said about the mind reading ...

Blue' -- well, mebbe it's just MB(RH?) who does that? None of the others have that mysterious power? ... SH!T!!! DOUBLE SH!T!!! ... (The bad news part of that concept goes both ways ... (heh) (NTTAWWT) ...

Mud and Duck...double *SNORK* at your complementary scenarios! Kinda like Walter Mitty for the New Millennium:) Love you guys!

FYI - gotta go, get ready for my ride to the airport ... keep up the good werk here ... talk @y'all later ... mebbe not 'til Friday, tho ...

ANNOUNCEMENT

The second sentence in the following post:

Lisa, you're talking about frozen banana boats. I read about them in "I'm with Stupid."

Posted by: KDF | 10:07 AM on March 15, 2006

... was intended only as a means of including myself among the legions of my fellow bloglits who have read said book, and not as a double-entendre characterizing Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa as anything less than brilliant, melodic, beautiful and hilarious. In fact, I'm deeply in love with her (NTTAWWT).

I'm just not that smart. :)

*Loves KDF a bottle of Chill-edrin™.*

A little paranoia goes a long way.

Um. Yeah.

*consumes entire bottle of Chill-edrin™*

*burps in satisfied manner*

Munchkin: [quietly burps] "Excuse me."

Me: [no response]

Munchkin: "Excuse me!"

Me: "What?"

Munchkin: "EXCUSE ME!"

Me: "WHAT?"

Munchkin: "I BURPED!"

Me: [sigh] "You KNOW there is no response to the 'excuse me' after a burp. You say the 'excuse me' the same loudness as the burp. If you burp and no one hears you, that is a GOOD thing. And when I hear you say 'excuse me' for a burp, the most I'm gonna do is give a slight nod. Ok?!"

Munchkin: "But I burped!"

Me: "Fine."

Munchkin: "Excuse me."

Me: "You're excused."

Munchkin: "I'm just saying it! You're not supposed to say anything!"

Me: "AAAAGUUUUGHGGHHGHHH!"

Munchkin - 1
TamaraRWC - 0

*snork*
*'scuse me*

"Munchkin"? Is this comment somehow related to the student-biting thread?

Tamara - at least your munchkin says "excuse me" - my 7 year old daughter farts, and then announces to the room in a loud voice: "I farted"

it probably doesn't help that i generally comment on the fart by saying "good one!"

("Munchkin" is my daughter's pseudonym.)

Hey - this is the Martha Stewart thread... The Miss Manners thread is two doors down.

*Loves a bottle of Belch-Be-Gone™ to little Munchkin Rhymes With Not a Darned Thing*

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