Dave Barry's Blog

ART BUCHWALD

He's in a hospice, having decided not to continue kidney dialysis. For now, as he says in this story, he's keeping death "on hold." And he's still writing.

I hope he sticks around and writes a lot more.

ATTENTION, WOMEN, GIRLS AND OTHERS OF THE FEMALE PERSUASION

Do not try this at home.

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

A Nigerian soccer official lays down the law.

(Thanks to Rick)

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

The Brassiere of Tomorrow

(Thanks to Brad Slager)

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Girl Freshies

(Thanks to Bruce)

FOR THOSE WHO LONG TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

Don't Shoot the Puppy

(Thanks to Catherine Conner and wolfie)

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.....

Getting one of these could be a win/win situation for just about everyone.

(Thanks to mark holloman)

NO, THIS ISN'T FUNNY

But even for Florida, it's pretty weird.

(Thanks to Andrew Walker)

GOOD NAME FOR AN ACTION FIGURE

Cow of the Future

ADVENTURES IN JOURNALISM

When you read a headline that refers to a "giant child-eating snake," you tend to assume it's referring to a snake that (a) is giant, and (b) has eaten a child.

AWWW

Wally the cat saves himself.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, who also sends this heartwarming pet story.)

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

"I vote we scuttle around the floor and eat stuff and creep people out."
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"

HUMAN-RIGHTS OUTRAGE

And the so-called "United Nations" does nothing.

(Thanks to Ted Happy-Boober Habte-Gabr)

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING THIS BLOG: HOW DO YOU COLLECT NASAL SECRETIONS FROM A FERRET?

This blog replies: Read the New York Times.

(Via Tim Blair)

THE APOCALYPSE

It is definitely happening.

WHOA

MOODICAL MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH

What's good for Lottie must be good for buuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppp us, right?

MOTORING TIP OF THE DAY SO FAR

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

We have no idea what it means, but we kind of want to go there.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

SAGGING SALES NOT ENOUGH SUPPORT ECONOMIC TROUBLES

Hooters Air is downsizing cutting back.

(Thanks to Jim Korenthal)

THE ONLY REASON WE ARE POSTING THIS LINK

...is to make you stop emailing it to us.

Thank you.

WOOF

(Via Gizmodo)

BEDTIME FUN

"Look, kids! We got you some stuffed animals! HEY! YOU KIDS COME BACK!"

(Thanks to Karl Weckstrom)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Fear of Peas

(Thanks to, yes, Claire Martin)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER NOW, OR HE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE THIGH

Jack Kiefer has built a recording studio.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

UNFAIR LABELING

So now, all of a sudden, clawing an Avon lady is "crazy"?

(Thanks to everyone)

SPEAKING OF MEAT

We are fairly certain this has been blogged before, but what the heck.

(Thanks to Chatmal)

A FINE NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

In Vitro Meat

(Thanks to DavCat14)

UH-OH

We have a very bad feeling about this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BOOORRRNNNN FREE

A lobster-pot attack is blamed on the Lobster Liberation Front.

WAIT A MINUTE....

...somebody actually wants credit for those songs?

YUM

Who's up for some tasty cow-nosed ray?

Maybe later.

RING FLUSHED, FOUND

This is a touching story, but we are puzzled by one statement:

Squiccimarri was visiting the campus on a frigid weekend when she blew her nose and lost the ring.

Huh? Can anybody explain the physics of that?

YES, IT'S A BRIEFCASE THAT REQUIRES 16 BATTERIES AND TWO REMOTE CONTROLS

But you want it.

(Via Gizmodo)

A T-SHIRT FOR GUYS

Finally, somebody feels our pain.

(Thanks to Eddie Roberts)

GOT SEWAGE?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Via Gizmodo)

WHO SAYS TODAY'S YOUNG PEOPLE LACK THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE?

Not us.

(Thanks to Greg England)

TERROR STALKS THE MEAN STREETS OF ASPEN

Fat Boy is missing.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THERE IS CLASS...

...and then there is class.

A GOOD NAME FOR MANY ROCK BANDS

Ear Agony

POST AND PARCEL PLUS CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote: "He was stuttering the whole time."

24

I have been on bated tenterhooks of pins and needles all week, because tonight is the night when AUDREY FINALLY GETS IT. At least I hope she does. Last week the Evil Thong of Doom Sex Temptress Collette told Jack that Audrey sold her some secret information to give to the terrorists running around Los Angeles with the Killer Kanisters of Komplete Karnage. We know from the previews that Jack is going to throttle Audrey tonight, but I'm worried that the only reason they showed that was to get everybody's hopes up, and there's going to be a Shocking Plot Twist and Audrey will somehow manage to weasel out of this and remain in the show, and I will have to beat myself to death with the remote control. We shall see.

Meanwhile, President Complete Handbag, acting under the influence of Vice President Flagrant Villain, has placed Los Angeles under martial law. Naturally, since Los Angeles is a gigantic densely populated metropolitan area, it took the government nearly six minutes to clear every single human and vehicle off the streets. The lone exception was Deceased Former President Allstate's brother Wayne, who was trying to deliver some shocking information to (I think) the Secret Service agent who we suspect might be secretly servicing the first lady, when he (Wayne) got run off the road, possibly at the behest of Vice President Villain. Fortunately Wayne was able to escape into a forest. (There are forests all over Los Angeles.)

Edgar is still dead.

Also there is now a German agent in the plot. Yes! A German! Like it's 1945! I don't really know what the German is up to, but he's really ticked off at Jack because Jack gave him an exploding memory chip, and you just know the German is going to be on hold with Technical Support for HOURS before he straightens that out. ("You say the chip exploded? Do you have the serial number?")

So that's where we stand as of just before 9 Eastern Thigh-Shootin' Time. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted, and nothing has happened yet.

UPDATE: You know, Jack is actually kind of short.

UPDATE: They're gonna torture Audrey! Be still my heart.

UPDATE: Jack wants to handle it heheheheh.

UPDATE: Proof? He wants PROOF? This is 24, you moron!

UPDATE: I like the way the main terrorist explains to the other terrorists, in English, what they're doing, for the benefit of us viewers at home.

UPDATE: Audrey's a SLUT! Chloe has the proof.

UPDATE: Chloe's a fun co-worker.

UPDATE: The WHAT Matrix Analyzer? I think Chloe just makes this crap up.

UPDATE: Just shoot her, Jack! Time's a-wastin'!

UPDATE: BUSTED! Shoot her!

UPDATE: We HAPPENED TO BE THERE???

UPDATE: Oh NO. Jack still has feelings. I can just feel it.

UPDATE: See? When he throttles her, they're like the same height.

UPDATE: Sherry Shari is, what, 13 years old? And already a Provisional Level 3?

UPDATE: OK, even for Jack, that was pointless.

UPDATE: Chloe is a standup gal.

UPDATE: Too much computering, not enough shooting.

UPDATE: Even the terrorists have a perimeter!

UPDATE: Oh man, these hardhat dudes are so dead.

UPDATE: What kind of substance, indeed.

UPDATE:Wayne, deep in the forest of LA.

UPDATE: The torture guy is gonna MAKE Audrey purchase the extended service warranty.

UPDATE: Jack spits on your "immunity agreement."

UPDATE: Natural gas! Those BASTARDS.

UPDATE: Jack and his freaking feelings for Audrey. You know?

UPDATE: Oh, puke.

UPDATE: Soft romantic string music! On 24! Where'd I put my cyanide?

UPDATE: This is basically an advertisement for the all-electric home.

UPDATE: OK, the 13-year-old is as weird as Chloe.

UPDATE: Good old Aaron.

UPDATE: Chloe knows everything.

UPDATE: "The noise from the plant should cover our descent." Thanks, Mister Scriptwriter!

UPDATE: Heat signatures AND approach vectors!

UPDATE: It is GO TIME.

UPDATE: Jack always has some C-4.

UPDATE: Think Jack'll make it?

UPDATE: They didn't show Jack in the previews! Maybe he's dead! Har.

ARE YOU READY?

ATTENTION, FELONS

Get your felonious butts over to Norway.

(Thanks to Alex)

VACATION DESTINATION OF THE DAY

Hey, Carl Hiaasen's been warning Florida officials for years, but do they listen?

(Thanks to Reddsuss)

BREAKING NEWS FROM CHESWICK, PA.

Preschoolers make cylindrical objects out of Play-Doh!

(Thanks to Jon Webb)

GUTSY DECAPITATED RADISH UPDATE

It's been rushed to intensive care.

(Thanks to Terry T.)

DO WE LIVE IN THE AMAZING WORLD OF TOMORROW, OR WHAT?

(Via Gizmodo)

UPDATE

"BUGGLE BOE?"

This is why we do not allow our children to read Shakespeare.