FLORIDA DRIVERS

You think we're kidding.

(Thanks to Suzy Q and djtonyb)

Comments

[Federal Duck]

What? You're saying that's not perfectly normal behavior?

*nervous glance*

[A Bucket]

foist!!

[A Bucket]

*snaps fingers and bows to Fed*

[Bismuth]

It's obvious why they wouldn't let her in: she had her turn signal on!

[Punkin Poo]

This is COMPLETELY unacceptable behavior for a woman! (Except for about 5 days each month.)

[Federal Duck]

BTW, I do gently bump people in traffic sometimes. It's kinda fun, unless you bump the wrong person. Then you get yelled at a lot.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Looks like Suze had a fuse.

My manager is like this - she tells the cars to get out of the way (they can't hear her!), then she acts like she's going to body slam them...and she manages her office the same way!

[Mad SoapBoxer]

Ummmm... feel free to check the "directions" thread for my comment on THIS post. DON'T ASK how I got there....

I think I'll go now -- I believe I need a double shot of "snakebite medication".

[Bumble]

Sounds like she's been watching too many cartoons...

[Alfred]

I hate it when I am trying to merge into traffic and people won't let me. a couple times I have had to slam on my brakes because some idiot has decided to keep the exact same speed as me. At one point I was merging into a lane and realized a guy had gotten out of the left lane and into my lane and was now passing me in my lane. I was in a van.
Yes, Yakima must be the Palm Springs of Washington.

[baligurl]

This is why I drive a big old beat up SUV. I look like I'll hit'em, so I don't have to.

[baligurl]

What the-?! Yakima?? I grew up there, and my daughters were there this past weekend. Whoa!

[slyeyes]

Would the "Suze" of the article be SuzyQ???

And I totally don't blame her. In St. Louis, putting on your turn signal to merge or change lanes is interpretted by the other drivers that they should speed up.

[CoastRaven]

Hey she's stolen my driving technique!!

*feels kinda dizzy*

[TCK]

OK, doesn't the person with the largest vehicle always have the right of way? (I learned to drive from my step-dad the trucker)

[Alfred]

Baligurl- Really? The valley or yakima itself? Where did you graduate?

[Stupendous Man]

Since there was no gunfire and no injuries, this doesn't qualify as a true Florida driving incident. I know, 'cause I'm a lifelong Florida resident, and just this morning, while driving south in a 45 mph zone on US 441, a four-lane divided highway, ahead of me were two little old ladies proceeding south at a speed of over 70 mph and driving side-by-side! I had to pull onto the grass median just to pass them.

[baligurl]

Well, Alfred, I didn't, as I moved when I was 15. But I went to Roosevelt, and then Franklin. And you?

[TCK]

I spent many a crisp mornin' in the yakima valley shootin' pretend rockets towards the pretend enemy

[ScottMGS]

The disturbing line to me was: "An FBI agent who witnessed the incident tailed Telfort and eventually pulled her out of her car while she was sitting at a stoplight...."

The agent pulled her right out of the car at a stoplight! Presuming that she had an automatic transmission, wouldn't her car start rolling into the intersection without a driver?

[A Bucket]

*realizes too late that a comment about Fed merging in on my first would have been really good right there*

[Alfred]

I graduated from Davis Highschool. Moving around a lot means I didn't get to lay claim to a single place as home. My Freshman year of highschool I moved into Moxee and went year in East Valley. They are stupid in East Valley. I made up a story that I was vampire. The only that got the joke is my friend to this day.
After an incident with a rosarie and a wooden stake I decided to transfer to Davis.
I like the hill near Franklin. Nice and bumpy for sledding.

The other day I dreamed that Moses Lake was trying to take over Yakima. They had sent blimps commanded by some guy in a monacle. Those rockets would have been usefull.

The two little old ladies reminds me of trying to get out of a crash. Two idiots going the same speed right next to each other did not see merging traffic. I ended up gunning my gas and passing using stuff abilities I did not know I have. I hate that road. But I have to use it just about every day.

[baligurl]

Alfred, you crazy kid. When did you graduate?

[Alfred]

uh lets see now. 2001.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Alfred, have you ever read Dave Sedaris? You kinda remind me of him. But I'm NOT saying you should go to his website and say that. :)

[KDF]

ANNIE!!! *snork*

[TrillianAstra]

I can totally identify with this woman. I think the FBI guy should have pulled over all the people whose cars she dented instead.

Hey Annie WBH, do you mean the same guy (Dave Sedaris) who does commentary on 'This American Life' (NPR) on the weekends? If so, he will be in my area on stage very soon, come on over and we'll hit the town!

[southerngirl]

Hey, my boss listens to This American Life, then calls me into his office to listen and laugh. It's sometimes hilarious!

[Alfred]

Thank you Annie. I found his blog And yes I have heard him.

Seeing as it took me about 9 months before I first posted here. Do not expect any angry letters from him soon. :)

TA- Please tell Mr. Sedaris that I will come up with something really witty to say when ever I meet him.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Yep, that's the guy. I've never heard his show (dayjob, really, I have one), but his books are great. Some of Alfred's stories start going that way....like being on a roller coaster, in the dark, with no pants....ok, I just thru in the pantsless part to see if you were paying attention.

[Alfred]

But enough about my hobbies.
Wait, he does this stuff to? Wow.

[scat]

Having lived on the East Coast I know that drivers can be extremely rude to nonconformists who want to do crazy things such as enter or exit a highway.

I like this woman's style.

Annie, I have a just fascinating note. David Sedaris went to my daughter's high school yet he hasn't rated a spot on the school's "Wall o' Fame". Vince Vaughn is on it, however. Go figure.

Now if David Sedaris would date Jennifer Anniston, he might have a shot at the Wall.

[slyeyes]

Alfred, Sedaris does what you do, however, he gets paid for it. :)

My son-in-law gave me a Sedaris book for Christmas. Can't remember the title; it's the one with the Barbie Doll on the cover. I always enjoy him when he's being interviewed; and his sister, Amy, is completely off her nut. But in a nice way.

[FCDA]

What??

She was in a bad mood and didn't have on a tight enough sweater to flash so they would let her in so she did the next best thing, IMO.

*yawn*

*Shout-out to SuzyQ and djt* YAY!

[Adonis]

THIS is why we need to nationally institute the stupid-dart ticketing system from Gallagher.

[Alfred]

So am I basically being informed that I need to get a job?
What will I do with my hobbies of running on/up/around/over/etc buildings?

[insomniac]

David Sedaris dating Jennifer Aniston would involve a major lifestyle change on his part... (nttawwt)

[Bumble]

FCDA~ After .5 semesters of Business Law, I've come to the conclusion that if people were A) honest and B) had some common sense, every law teacher, law maker, law enforcer, lawyer and judge would be out of a job. So, I guess we should all just continue to be stupid and evil.

Carry on. :-)

[Kathy P.]

Insom, that is what I would say - definite change of lifestyle on Mr. Sedaris' part....

[Alfred]

Oh his dating Jennifer Anniston would be the same as Tom and what ever her name is. We all know that Tom wants to date an ancient alien that has been hiding inside the earth waiting to be released. We shall name it Cthulhu. Don't worry I'm keeping it straight.

[Annie Where-but-here]

insom - you are right, and that might be the reason for his non-inclusion on the Wall 'o Fame.

sly - his sister, Amy, complained to David that he shouldn't put his family in his books so much. So the next book he wrote featured her. :)

[Adonis]

That's right Alfred, the VERY FIRST filmmaker!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Stupendous: LOL for I had to pull onto the grass median just to pass them.

I've been down here in Fla. for two months now and hope to survive to make it back to safe, sane (relatively speaking) NYC.

What is with the crosshand cellphone technique while driving?

Annie: Having read all his books I love David Sedaris (NTAWWT), especially the stuff about his family.

Now if David Sedaris would date Jennifer Anniston, he might have a shot at the Wall.

Scat, have you read the one about him and his boyfriend and the house in France?

Just asking...

[Wavey]

Ohhh, how I've sometimes wished I could do what that woman did. Just this morning, there was a guy that, even though there would have been plenty of space for him to allow me in, instead refused to make that space, and deliberately sped up and slowed down to make sure I didn't merge in.

I was sure wishing I could've wiped that superior smirk off his face by suddenly swerving into his nice Beemer, preferably while being in an old junker car that I didn't care about.

Same as with the woman behind me that was about 2 inches from my tail for most of the commute. Wish I could push a button on my dash that would set off a highly pressurized hydraulic system to suddenly and quickly propel my rear bumper with force into the front of her car, and then retract it back again.

[Stupendous Man]

Jeff - Good luck on making it back to NYC. If you do, we'll refer to you as "one that got away:)" You may have seen me on the road during your stay. Did you see a 1949 Buick Roadmaster with wire wheels, a tin goose on the front and a raccoon tail flying from the antenna?

[Alfred]

I can see hydrolic bumpers getting into the In crowd. With all sorts of cool Cartoon like effects. It would be glorious. The style would be called Chitty Chitty Bling Bling.

[scat]

Jeff, no, not yet.

OK, so David Sedaris could date Vince Vaughn? Hmm, no.

Who's hot, famous and gay these days?

[Alfred]

Leonardo DiCaprio, this is the reason why he is having a hard time as a teen hearthrob.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Jeff - if you did see that car, it wasn't Stupe. and btw - I read that Sedaris book about him and his boyfriend in France. Hilarious. Relationship issues are truly blind to gender.

[TCK]

OK,so am i the only one that doesn't know who david sedaris is?

[southerngirl]

TCK - no.

[Alfred]

Its ok. I googled him to find out who the heck he was. I recognized the naked Barbie book. Its displayed quite openly at the local book store.
It caught my eye in memory of the Naked Barbie invasion that happened after my sister turned 4.
So thats how I know who he is.

[slyeyes]

Did you see a 1949 Buick Roadmaster with wire wheels, a tin goose on the front and a raccoon tail flying from the antenna?

This sounds like Federal Duck's dad's car.

[Annie Where-but-here]

I only mentioned sedaris because Alfred's quirky stories reminded me of him AND I just finished our esteemed Dave Barry's Money book, so I have to search around for something else to read. If you're curious, I think you can read a few pages of the sedaris books on amazon.com.
While sedaris is very funny, OUR Dave was Pulitzer-winner of the month at Our Sisters of Perpetual Motion Middle School.

[Stupendous Man]

slyeyes - I doubt even Fed's esteemed dad would have enough suave to drive such a classic automobile as I. And even if he does, I'll bet it has one of those cheap faux fox tales on the antenna, whereas my vintage highway hog sports a genuine raccoon tale. I know, because I picked that raccoon tale up on the side of the road myself.

I'll bet he doesn't have a wombat riding shotgun, either!

[Sarah J]

I think David Sedaris is great! I wish I could tell my funny family stories as easily as he seems to. I have such difficulty putting my thoughts and memories in words, especially written words. My favorite of his books is "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim" (the Barbie one)

[daisymae]

*sigh*

I'm just grateful that I haven't been shot on the highway.

[Stupendous Man]

I like the signs along I-95 here in South Florida: LAST EXIT FOR AMMO

[Alfred]

Shoots daisymaie a grin.

[AlanBoss]

Man! Can I relate to this woman! Here in SoCal, people believe that the blinking light means, "Pull along side me and cruise there." Today, someone ACTUALLY let me change lanes! Just slowed down and waved me in! I had to pull to the side of the freeway and reorient myself. No, not really. No one would let me get all the way over to the shoulder.

[Stupendous Man]

Actually, even walking or riding a bicycle in South Florida is extremely dangerous. In fact, you're not safe in South Florida unless you're already bleeding when you walk through your doorway.

[O. the U(manity)]

Jeezely, youse guys ... I have comparitively little problem driving the freeways here in CA ... even the 5 south of LA ... when I put my blinker on, it seldom takes more than two or three autos to pass me before someone lets me move over a lane ...

Of course, my vehicle is about 12 feet tall, fairly wide, five times as heavy as theirs and looks sorta weird/odd ... I'm sure some of them are maintaining speed alongside me just to try and figure out whut exactly this machine really is ...

[Mr. Completely]

AlanBoss - Was that you?

[Alfred]

If all of that is true. How does Miami have anyone still alive?

Jsut thought of an odd business. A posseser, some one who takes or steals things so as to make a neighborhood safer. The price would be the opprotunity to keep the items or a bounty on the items to be turned into the police.
Think that would be a job people would pay for in Florida.

[Stupendous Man]

Alfred - there are too many "possesers" in business in South Florida already. Why do you think we're all carrying the same basic load as an infantryman in Iraq? Why, even here in my little old hometown (pop. 5,033), it's a dangerous time. I, myself, was mugged in our beautiful downtown park last year. They took my guns, my knife, my straight razor, my axe handle, my brass knuckles, my hand grenades and my rock! OMG but those pre-school girls are tough!

[kibby F5™]

Last week I had a guy try to out run me on the outside lane, at least 4 car lengths back, to a spot where lane reduction was imposed by a massive hunk of a concrete barrier.

... he didn't make it and the screaching tires was impressive.

When I realized he wasn't going to brake and fall in behind me I did swirve to the right - although I really didn't have much room. I was mainly concerned with him bouncing off said concrete barrier and into me.

Oh, there wasn't anyone behind me for a good 200 yards.

*hates impatient and dangerous drivers*

[slyeyes]

S'Man; regarding the dangers of walking and bike riding in Florida: Some friends of mine were bike riding in Fort Lauderdale and two of them ended up on someone's windshield. Some elderly guy turned in front of them without signaling. Other than bruises, they're OK.

[Jeff Meyerson]

True Florida story: a friend of my in-laws had his car bashed into by an even more elderly woman who backed right into him. When he asked her didn't she see his car she said (ISIANMTU) "No, I'm legally blind."

WTFBBQ?!?!?!

[djtonyb]

Hmmm... legally blind is o.k., but they put a corrective lenses restriction on my license because I happened to be wearing my glasses on the day I switched over to FL. Not that I would dare drive without glasses or contacts, unlike some of the people down here...

[Suzy Q]

sly: No, that's not me in the article. But it could be. I mean, I totally feel her pain...and rage. Every morning, I have to move two lanes over in order to get to a street where I can make a u-turn so I'm going in the right direction to work (don't ask). Yes, I use my turn signal, and I still have to barge my way in. What is UP with these people?? I also love the ones who tailgate on the expressway when there is PLENTY of room to go around me. And the ones who zip past a line of cars then dodge in at the front. Gah! Stop me!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

In response to this incident, Broward County Commissioners held an emergency meeting and passed a law requiring all cars on the road to be immediately equipped with giant rubber duckies.

The plan was working successfully until a Ford SUV attempting to speed through the E-pass lane on the Turnpike got snagged on a pole and was slungshot all the way to the Florida Keys.

BBRRROOOOIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG!

[djtonyb]

At this particular intersection, I have actually had a car pass me on the left while I was making a left-hand turn... I had the urge to block him and force him up on the sidewalk and into the railing of an upcoming bridge, but I managed to control myself. I don't even want to talk about driving in Miami... I'll take Boston drivers any day!

[Mad SoapBoxer]

Here's the solution for all of our traffic problems. Tell me YOU would not move over if you saw this image in your rear-view mirror. I am sure we can get a good quantity discount if I collect orders from all of you who are interested and make a single order for the blog. Let me know if you want the standard 105mm canon or the optional 120mm.

[O. the U(manity)]

I've suggested for years that if every driver out there was entitiled to own two Stinger™ missiles, AND EVERYONE ELSE ALSO HAD THEM, AND EVERYONE KNEW THAT AT ANY TIME THEY MIGHT BE STUNG™ ... then we'd have a lot better manners and behavior out there ...

Truckers would be equipped with two missiles per WEEK! In Metro areas, two per HOUR!

It ain't the truck driver who's the problem out there folks ... it's the idiot in front of him/her ... HOWever, if y'all get "mistreated" by a trucker, it's prolly 'cuz you're the 500th one he's had to deal with today, and you're number came up a winner in the lottery ... merely sayin' ...

[southerngirl]

MadSoap, I'd want to be the one driving!! Boy, could I roll right over some idiots...sign me up!

I saw a great bumper sticker the other day:

"For a small town, this one sure has a lot of morons."

and this one:

"If everyone would drive right, then everyone could drive right."

*my name is Southerngirl, and I have road rage*

*sigh*

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

At the risk of offending...lots of people...as generalizations generally do...

We have a motto of sorts here at work:

"Truckers are scum."

[Stupendous Man]

I have a mantra I chant as I drive down the many highways of life: When you're driving, always watch out for the other drivers. They could be up to something.

TRWC - You're in Atlanta, right? Truthfully, IMHO, the drivers in Atlanta make Florida drivers look tame. Of course, I'm certain that you, being one of our Blog Princesses, are not to be included in this assessment of Atlanta driving etiquette;)

[Jerold Carroll]

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