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March 15, 2006

FLORIDA

We don't fool around.

(Thanks to Brad Slager)

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What is the going rate for having a hooker beat the crap out of you these days?

If you don't fool around in Florida, how are all these hookers making a living?

OK, I have more to say about this. I don't think this is a single serial killer. Victims #1 and #3 (see photos of victims)... people pay them?!? Victim #2 on the other hand has that Tanya Harding-esque look that might merit $20. Just sayin...

Hmmmm...I wonder what body part they'll shoot at first. I'm guessing it won't be the thigh....

So they're going to 'buddy up?' Is that like 'cowboy up?' Or a 'two for one' sale? Or 'half off?' Or 'with sex you get eggroll?' Or 'red light special?'

Since most serial killers are men, I'm gonna say this guy's days are numbered. Women don't fool around, as is proven in this story from Langley, VA:

The CIA recently ran a Help Wanted ad in the Langley, VA, local newspapers. They were looking for an assassin. Three people, two men and a woman, each of them married, responded to the ad. All three were given the latest psychological, motivational and aptitude tests. Their scores on these tests were so close, the team taxed with the job of selecting the hiree had to devise another test to make a final decision. They decided on a real life test to ascertain suitability of each candidate.

They called the first man in, handed him a 9mm Beretta pistol, told him it was loaded and took him to a closed door.

The leader told the man, "Your wife is just beyond this door. Your mission is to go in there and kill her."

The candidate immediately handed the pistol back to the leader and barked, "No way! That's my wife, and I love her dearly! If that's how you play this game, I don't want any part of it!" And he stormed out. One of the agents opened the door to the room and told the jobseeker's puzzled wife she could go home.

They called in the next man, handed him the pistol, told him his wife was in the room and he had to go in and kill her. He took the pistol and stepped through the door. Thirty seconds later, he came out of the room in tears.

As he handed the pistol back to the agent in charge, he sobbed, "I've been married to that woman for twenty-five years! There's no way I could harm a hair on her lovely head!" He went back in the room, gathered his astonished wife in his arms, and they made a tearful departure.

The team of agents called the woman candidate into the room and shoved the pistol into her hand.

"Your husband is in that room, and your mission is to take this loaded pistol and go into the room and kill him," said the leader.

The woman stepped into the room, closed the door and nine shots rang out immediately. Then there was a ten second lull. After that all hell broke loose in the closed room with crashing, banging, cursing and screaming.

The agents waiting for her return were aghast at the sounds of violence.

Suddenly there was another ten second lull. Then the woman stumbled out of the room. Her hair was disheveled. Her mascara and lipstick were smeared. Her dress and pantyhose were in tatters.

The agent in charge gasped out, "What in the world happened in there?!"

The woman, still holding the pistol and fighting for breath, said, "Some asshole put blanks in this gun! I had beat the sonofabitch to death with a chair!"

*Snork* @ Stupendous Man

Hell hath no scorn like a woman in fury

"Are you a serial killer? 'Cause if you are, you gotta tell me."

if I were a hooker, I don't think I'd let someone quote me and use my name and picture in the newspaper...

"No evidence so far indicates any of the women was taken against her will, according to the report."

And no evidence indicates that the reporter has any grasp of English grammar.

SM- She raised him by hand and then let him go by it as well.

I remember a time in my mission where missionaries helped expose a cult. So I guess it would work the same for curb girls.

I doubt any of you have seen this movie. But there is a great Scene in Gods Army where the newbie missionary is talking to some girls. His companion asks if they read the book. After the conversation the younger missionary asks the older one who the girls where. The older one just keeps walkign away from the curb.

Betsi - you're absolutely right. The IRS would get you for sure.

S-man. Time to get an agent. :)

Thanks, S-Man (SNORK). That joke was actually ringing a faint bell in my head when I read the posted story, but that particular synapse was isolated and very unlikely to fire.

The other noises in my head are a different and more worrisome matter. What's that supposed to mean?! I wasn't talking to you! I resent that crack. Will you put a lid on it? Poeple are listening. Oh....ha-ha...er, Hi!


*Chill-edrin™. Where's the Chill-edrin™?*

What, are they planning to hump him to death?

Or, after getting him all worked up, does one of them intend to shock him into a heart attack by revealing she has all her teeth?

I know they have guns, but how does this work, exactly?

"Yeah, for $46.50 I bleat like a goat. Say, do you have any interesting hobbies, like serial killing?"

Meanwhile, back at the police station.

"What do you want to do about this, sarge? These hookers plan to do our jobs!"

"Well, I reckon they'll either get the killer, or we'll have less hookers. Either way, I need a donut."

Blue, wrong blog. You must be thinking of "rude.com," where pepole post insults with multiple misspeelings, then complain about it when others correct them or crack back. There's a whole lot more love in this here neighbourhood (the Olde English spelling just feels right today.)

Since you're feeling so paranoid, perhaps you oughta hang out over on the pot thread. It's cool there.

We're there for you, Meanie Man. Hang tough.

By the way, did you mean me? Was it the way I said it?

*looks over shoulder at everyone because they won't stop pointing, laughing and assigning blame*

Oh NO, not the facial tic again.

Aww, I see a CBS made-for-tv movie in the works: "Sisterhood of the Travelling Hot Pants".

Gotta agree with Brad, though. I mean, how desparate would you have to be to pay to sleep with #3? Maybe her clients want her to send them to bed without supper or something...

Is Lorena Bobbitt their coach?

"Maybe her clients want her to send them to bed without supper or something..."

*Snork* @ artchick!

If the women taken by the killer were prostitutes, I suppose you would say there was evidence they had not gone with the killer "against their will." It was their job...I hope those women get the stupid S.O.B. They sound more organized than the police.

HUSBAND: Thanks so much for coming to bail me out.

WIFE: I'm shocked! I cannot beleive you are a serial killer!

HUSBAND: What? Oh, no-no-no-no, they were mistaken, it's not like that at all. See, I was only with her to get a....

WIFE: (Starts tapping her toe with a fierce expression)

HUSBAND: Yep, that's me. Just a big ole serial killer! I better stay in here and learn my lesson.

*snork* @ MartiniShark

Thank you all for helping me find the humor in such a disturbing story!! I saw it last night, and knew you guys would pull out the funny from it - I just couldn't.

and this is why they voted to allow us floridians to shoot when we feel threatened. working girls everywhere lobbied for this right. married women with philandering husbands are upping the life insurance and encouraging their men to visit hookers in the hopes they'll be mistaken for serial killers. the potential for a hiassen, or barry, story line is tremendous! i LOVE this state.

*Multi-dimensional SNORK@KDF*

BTW, is that the Olde English spelling of people?

*Hoists a martini and SNORKs at the shark*

That's not how the girls look all the time. The photographer caught them right after they got out of bed.

One bike week participant suffered a heart attack, when the hooker he had hired jumped up on the bed, brandished a firearm and yelled, "I'm Tanya Richardson and I'm a WHOLE lot o' woman!"

"We are asking them to buddy up," Street ministry spokeswoman Denise Horsman said.

What, a three-way? Isn't that extra?

KDF - Besides the tic, you may want to put on some clothes, too...

(annoyed tone) Mr. C., WHAT are you talki...

AAAAHHHHHGGGGG!!!!!!!!

*deletes visual image*

Ummmmmm.... so If I understand this right, "...spokeswoman Denise Horsman..." and the other girls are looking for the whores man?

Anyway, my bets are on the hookers getting the perp before the cops do, and I expect that he WILL be sorry very briefly, just before he becomes very dead. Minus the usual 5 years of trials and 10 years on Death Row -- no need to plug Ol' Sparky in, saving not only the prostitution industry in Florida, but saving the taxpayers a lot of money.

Mad - That's taking the law into their own hands - they might execute the wrong serial kiiler!

*undeletes visual image*

*sells tickets to view artists' renderings of undeleted visual image*

wow - there's two Annies now

*suddenly feeling somewhat outnumbered*

*buys a ticket*

Wut?

pogo sed "...they might execute the wrong serial kiiler!"

You're right, there is the risk that the hookers might get ALL of the serial killers, and the cops would really be ticked about having amateurs doing their (not they're, not there) job better than them, I'm sure. (No wait, "amateurs" isn't the right word, is it? The hookers can't be pros and amateurs at the same time...) But the cops will be MORE ticked that the hookers have much better-looking uniforms than they do....

*Installs latest version of Ph*t*shop*
*Updates E-b*y profile*

Streetwalker #1: Now, we'll need a codephrase so if you're with the serial killer, i can rush in and de-oysterize that mo-fo.

Streetwalker #2: How about, "No, no, you're killing me!"

Streetwalker #1: Uhhh, no, you haven't been at this long, have you?

S#2: Mostly I service deafmutes. What about "Put away that big weapon of yours?"

S#1: Still open to misinterpretation...

s#2: I got it! "You're the serial killer, aren't you?"

s#1: Good! That'll work! Unless you're with Carl.

s#2: Well, everyone knows Carl!

*checks Blue's E-b*y profile*

*is relieved to find no artists' renderings of herself listed, yet mildly alarmed to discover that his "Featured Items" include Ph*t*shopped nudes of various blue cartoon characters and all four Beatles (NTTAWWT)*

Multiple *SNORKS* at Insom!

KDF - that was the WRONG guy.

(WTD?)

Stupid privacy issues.

*rolls eyes*

Just 'cause I like poking Eleanor (not like that, you sick little monkeys), I submit the following:

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said, "They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1,000."

"I don't believe it," the host responded.

"It's true, I swear it," said the woman.

"Well, how did it happen," the man asked, a bit suspicious.

"I had a complicated personal injury case," the woman said, "and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer told me I wouldn't have to pay him the difference."

---

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?
A: Counselor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 15?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

*takes one giant step away from TCK  Mr. Completely to stay out of the line of fire...*

Don't worry Mr. C - I'll stand by you - it's only a matter of time before I piss El off anyway, so what the hell....

You know, I can just see this becoming the hot button issue at the next Police union negotiations. Whether prostitutes have the right to shoot serial killers who try to attack them or whether that right is exclusively for cops. The result of the negotiations being prostitutes must not defend themselves and die in a grotesque fashion and the cops promise to try to solve the crime.

S'North - Self-defense (or defence, in honor of Dave's strumpet) is still a vaild reason for acquittal.

TCK - Are we not men? We must stand together, or surely we will hang separately.

Note to other bloglits: Make of that what you will. Let the games begin.

Sorry guys, I'm gonna need El when the D-E-A comes a-knockin.

*Hang separately (SNORK) - I hope so.*

[This is not the neck we're talkin' about here, folks]

"[This is not the neck we're talkin' about here, folks]"

*buck-toothed face* Whaaaa?

TRWC - I believe that was a batwing reference.
*dials El on the batphone*

OK, did Annie just call El a bat?

*laughs and watches and is secretly thankful for her real-life experience growing up with brothers*

Sorry, Toby. No she did not.

That was a sarcastic buck-toothed-faced "Whaaa?"! GAH!

And it was very attractive.

I never doubted it for a minute. :)

That it was attractive, or that it was sarcastic?

Both! GAH!

Tamara and KDF - Are you both "gah-goils" now?

Soitainly!

Mr. C. ????

I'm sorry, I don't understand, your post was a little gahhhbled.

KDF - Yeah, it sounded better in my head, I guess. It was a play on "gargoyles".

See, you're a goil (which, of course, is "girl" with a New Jersey accent)... aw, to hell with it. If I gotta explain it, it ain't worth it.

So BOOGER.

Mr. C.

1) Say the word "garbled."
2) Apply your Daffy Duck accent
3) Reread my post.

Jeez, poeple!!!

And BOOGER back atcha. ;)

Let's see... 2:53pm here... annnd... yup! 2:48pm there--just as I thought.

KDF, Mr C is not responsible for his 2:53pm post on this thread. His brain was, um, addled at around 2:45pm on another thread. ;)

I know, Tam, huh?

Let's say it in unison: GAH!

SN said "...Whether prostitutes have the right to shoot serial killers who try to attack them or whether that right is exclusively for cops..."

I think the prostitutes should be permitted to shoot serial killers AND cops... but that's just me...

Gah.

*snork* @ Mr. C

I'm gone for an hour and things get OUT OF CONTROL! What kind of blog is this?

Gahd, almighty!

It gets crazy here sometimes, Blue, but the blog's gaht many other fine qualities.

And I hear the goils are cute.

*shakes head... "my God, what have I started?"*

Completely out of control.

Blue said "Completely out of control."

Hold the phone! When was this blog *UNDER* control!??! Not since I've been here, that's fer sher!

Yep. Completely nut around here.

Oops.

s

Nope, I ain't picking up another one of those, bot today, huh-uh.

I'm gone for an hour and I come back to find lawyers being disrespected. I mean it's OK if it's Senators (they live for that stuff!), but I have to say that Blue has the right idea!

I'm here for ya, Blue - *hug* You have to let them in if they have a warrant but when they tell you if you just explain they won't arrest you - it's a lie! So just keep your mouth shut and call me!

Mr. C. - You're on your own, pal!! :)

*wonders if Tiny will notice she's ignoring him completely (hah - a double pun!)*

greedy is feature of coolblooded mistery: http://www.alternet.org/ green plane is always bad player , table can rape grass

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