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March 20, 2006


Steve Allcock.  (Yes, Steve Allcock.)

(Thanks to Charley Delaney)


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I think we need to consider the possiblility that Mr. Allcock was using the device as a navigational aid, or as a training tool. This behavior just doesn't seem all that unreasonable to me.

Snork @ d. esker

This has nothing to do with the blog topic but it's something I wanted to share and this seems as good as any a place to put it.

What If The Papers Had No Sports Section?

By Scott Anderson
March, 2006

Until the end of 2004, beginning of 2005 or so, newspapers across the United States, and perhaps even a few in overseas nations such as Canada (I heard a business executive refer to Canada once as being “overseas” and so now I use that every chance I get), had an entire section of newspaper which has now disappeared, and yet the newspaper reading public has remained largely silent, possibly because there are so few of them.
If you are a member of the newspaper reading public – and if so, hello, my name is Scott and I’m the other one – can you imagine the paper without a sports section, or without an incomprehensible weather map (your newspaper actually uses the exact same one every day – go and check!), or without a section devoted to life changing topics such as how to best use pillows to accent a room or what this year’s prom dresses look like? (They do not look like anything you would personally let your own daughter wear, in case you missed that particular article.)
Yet, we have gone nearly fifteen months (I think that’s about right) without anyone in America providing the service of keeping up with the world’s exploding animals, or checking up on the national booger situation, or providing a running list of potentially excellent names for rock bands; and so far as we know, every newspaper writer is making everything up, since nobody is any longer claiming otherwise.
Of course I’m talking about apparently retired humor columnist Dave Barry, who until a year or so ago wrote a weekly column for the Miami Herald which was widely syndicated (the weekly column, not Dave or the Herald).
Now, since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and plagiarism is just imitation if you’re the one doing it, I’m attempting to write this in an admittedly lame knock-off of Dave’s writing style. I’m disadvantaged; he was an English major and I studied computers, yet he has made a lot more money than I have, so clearly there is something seriously wrong with me. However, I have read enough of Dave’s work to know a few of the rules.
First of all, I did not interview Dave for this article. That would have been too close to “research”, something Dave studiously avoided, and “studiously” is too strong a word there. Second – and I hope Dave is proud of this – I can tell you that he is not entirely retired, just retired from the column, since he wrote a book about money which was just published and is very funny. The things I hope he’s proud of is that I borrowed it from the library instead of buying it, I won’t even bother to go upstairs to my bathroom to get the exact title, and that this sentence should have had an “are” as the eighth word instead of “is”.
Now, some of you are asking “the bathroom?” but it is only single women, and possibly children and space aliens, asking. The men read that and thought, “yep”. I don’t know about all men, but I have a wife and three daughters, and I like to read in a relatively quiet place, so I read in the bathroom, you betcha, and since I like you I won’t bother you with the detail of why it is only a “relatively quiet place”.
Will Dave return to column-writing? I don’t know; at the time he retired he said in a year he’d consider returning to it, but that year has passed and I haven’t seen a new column. Perhaps he’s spending more time working on his books; perhaps he prefers to contemplate the boogers and exploding animals in solitude rather than sharing all of his insight (garnered from spending decades, and I am not making this up, covering these topics) with the public. Or maybe it’s that, since he lives in south Florida and the local culture may have started to rub off on him, he’s wearing golfing clothes that are so horribly unattractive that Dave now feels it would be embarrassing to have any kind of public persona whatsoever.
Now that I think of it, “Dave and the Horribly Unattractive Golfing Clothes” – what an excellent name for a rock band.
We miss the column, Dave. I hope you keep writing books, and I am not making that up.

Steve is Allcock al the time.

What a dick.

Bravo, Scott!

Now I know where the phrase "Allcock and no PSP makes Steve a dull bus driver" comes from!

Mebbe if he'd have taken a hint from that other driver who got fired, and put some camouflage makeup on his ... um ... PSP (is that a new euphemism for a distant cousin of Walter?) ... then mebbe he wouldn't have gotten caught, and therefore, fired ... merely wonderin' ...

I guess I better add playing video games in addition to applying makeup , talking on the phone, & smoking activities.......while driving.

Allcock has gotten plenty of BJ's while driving...the PSP is nothing compared to that.

Scott - A toast! Rest assured that:
-whereever there's an exploding whale, Dave will beer there.
-whenever someone has a terribly embarrassing name they'd rather keep from the world, Dave will beer there.
-whenever Twitney shows that trailer trash can come with rhinestones on the cinder blocks, Dave will beer there.
-whenever a man fails miserably yet again to understand the nuances of his bitter half, Dave will beer there.
-whenever someone writes the songs that make the whole world cringe, Dave will beer there.

So you see, Scott, Dave lives on in this blog. And when he's gone (to England, you twit, not DEAD!), we will carry his spirit with us. The son never sits on the Barry Empire....unless he's got a good book in there with him.

Annie - T'anks and "snork."

All your cock are belong to us.

I believe Annie speaks for all of us.

Thank you, Annie. *wipes sentimental tear from a.m. bleary eye*

P.S. Steve, meet Donna. Donna, meet Steve. And here's your gift certificate to the Little Wedding Chapel and Vasectomy Clinic in the Valley.

*snork* at AnnieWBH!

Problem with reality, Steve? He's playing a simulated driving game--while driving.

Allcock sounds like the type who would probably go the Playboy Mansion and hunker down in the grotto playing "Leisure Suit Larry".

snork, and three cheers to annie.

all cock and no driving makes steve a dull boy?

Think that even Florida would give this guy a driver's license?

There is a lovely olde English word for applying makeup. It's 'fard'. So Donna was actually fined for farding in her car. Enjoy!

Where, exactly, on the human body is the PSP located, and how I can I safely play with it while driving?

Snorks for Annie this morning.

So Donna got fined for farding, and Steve got fard for driving like a dick?

Laughed so hard I dropped my cellphone. Now where the heck'd it go? Oh, here it is, under my brake pedal.

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