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March 20, 2006

AUSTRALIAN BATTLE CRY

Get out there and flog those toads.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

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marauding cane toads WBAGNFAmiddle school RB

"Haemorrhoid cream"? Induces a coma? Somebody better get the word out!

*and plus, isn't that spelled wrong?*

"I suggested that people should hit them with golf clubs or cricket bats or, you know, lumps of wood - whatever was at hand."

What about a pointED stick?!

Good morning everyone from THE LAND OF FIRSTS!!

How y'all doin'?

Imagine turning on your computer, coming to the CB blog and seeing an opporturnity like this?
I know it's going to be a good day in the hood. :)

I hope the toad-lickers (and you know who you are) don't decide to "experiment".

Gee, I wonder if you could get high.

Congrats on being first El!

This article reminds me of my favorite part in Dave's book Big Trouble, when Arthur falls face-first into the bufo frog.

I lived in Hawaii, in an area with LOTS of cane toads. When the termites would swarm, the toads would congregate by the dozens on the road under each street light in my neighborhood. My favorate way to get rid of them was to drive (weaving from gutter to gutter) and squish as many as I could. In the morning, there would be hundreds of dead toads on the road, courtesy of me and my fellow cane toad-hating neighbors.

OMG!

Key Quote: "'I suggested that people should hit them with golf clubs or cricket bats or, you know, lumps of wood - whatever was at hand.

'Other people have suggested that you should put them in a box and then gas them with the exhaust of your car....

'You know, to me it seems far easier just to flog them over the head with a lump of wood,' he says."

Jeez, this guy would have made a GREAT nun in a parochial school. Glad I'm not his kid.

lisa- 'haemorrhoid' and 'anaesthesia' are Brit-isms...

"Paranoid"

Finished in my garden, but the cane toad corpses start to mount.
There's so many squished there, I couldn't even start to count!
RSPCA wants me to smear 'em with tubes of anal cream.
Then to freeze them quickly, and they pass on gently like a dream.

Don't like being heartless but those poison bastards
got to die!
Since they poisoned Rover, and those teenagers who sought a 'high'.

So make your jokes about our toads, the outlook can't get horrider.
We'll douse 'em all with hemo-cream, and send 'em all to Florida!

*snork* @ insom

*NOOOOO, not Florida!!!*

BJJB said "I lived in Hawaii, in an area with LOTS of cane toads."

It sounds like Hawaii should import Australian school girls to control the toads. Of course, there's the danger THEY would start marauding and there would need to be a "NIMBY Day" declared for an open season on the girls, but that's the risk that would have to be taken.

is Russel Crowe sponsoring this shindig?....I bet that schoolgirl quote was his daughter....

"Australian Schoolgirls" WBAGNFARB, btw.

Once when my ex and I were in Hawaii, on Kaui I think, we were driving back to the hotel a little after sunset and there were gazillions of frogs, toads, whatever in the road, and you just had to drive over them.

All I heard was Ribbit, ribb -eek.

Australians got NIMBY Day!

Shoot em in the thigh...

Since someone mentioned toad lickers, don't forget Them Toadsuckers

This is probably how the annual Orinoco Frog Flogging Festival got started.

Ooh, a Toad Whacking Day!

Anybody else out there remember the British comedy "Hale and Pace?" (I don't believe it ever made it to American TV, so you would have had to be living in Britain to enjoy their particular brand of guerrila comedy). They did a skit about a cricket game played with live toads. They make such a satisfying sound when the batsman connects with the pitch.

Every toad you lick
with your great big stick
Every bone you break, every mess you make
I'll be watching you

My eyes can see
360 degrees
can't sneak up on me, ain't no fool you see
I'll be watching you

Oh, can't you squish
a little frog or a fish?
Why did it have to be
my whole family?
You know I wish you would
Take that lump of wood
Hide it in that place, the sun won't show it's face
I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I've been trying to stay alive
a girl with a tennis racket I barely survived
Was in a box with exhaust and I nearly expired
Under a streetlight dodging some lady's tires
I keep crying ribbet, ribbet please

And just when Springfield abolishes whacking day. In fact, I recall when the Simpsons invaded Aussie Land that ep culminated with a frog stowaway on their flight. Must be a real problem when that show addresses it.

Wow...I've heard of using Preparation H to shrink *ahem* the bags under one's swollen eyes, but to spread it on a frog to induce coma? What's in that stuff anyway???

(The scene: Stupendous Cave All-Purpose Warehouse and Overnite Motel somewhere in Middle America.)

Announcer (played by Richard Burton): Join us now as Stupendous Man (played by Brad Pitt) finds a new way to add to his depleted stocks of coin of the realm! We find our hero deep in doo d... er, thought.

Organ (played by Van Cliburn): Up and then fade as scene changes...

*has a sudden moment of epiphany and $$$$ start to whiz around in his stupendous brain! begins re-labelling his First Alert Bear Alarms™ for Rural American Outhouses as First Alert Cane Toad Alarms™ for Outback Outhouses and readies them for shipment to Australia. realizes the broomsticks with nails in the end he has been selling as Dog Catchers™ to smalltown animal control departments could be big sellers Down Under, too. loads them up, as well. rubs hands together fiendishly and exclaims:

"Money, power, wealth! The world will soon be my oyster! Bwahahahaha!"

*ka-pwwwiiinnnggg!!!*

Announcer (played by James Earl Jones): Tune in next time for the episode Stupendous Man Loses His Ass in Australia, or The S'Man Ain't So Big Down Under!

Organ music up and fade to black.

If you keep flogging the toad, you'll go blind.

I think they should introduce an ad campaign featuring really emaciated cane toads, thereby convincing Australia's cane toads that they are fat and ugly, and need to starve themselves in order to obtain an attractive figure.

Those that survive will be much easier to flog, and they can save their prep H for more important things, like seeing whether it could put Russell Crow into a coma.

*snork* @ S'Man and C'bol!

** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE **

As newly-appointed President of Shaw Stone & Webster Nuclear Services, industry veteran, Dave Barry, has announced the opening of the company's first cane frog extermination service. In partnership with Australia's Northern Territory Government project, "Not In MY Backyard You Don't Day," Shaw's motto, "the only good cane toad is a frozen-cane-toad-on-a-stick," has materialized Barry's lifelong dream, of providing nuclear capability into the caring hands of cane toad floggers everywhere, into prodigious reality. The Shaw Trucking Division will be rolling-out the nuclear "pods" throughout Australia in the next several weeks. Only comatose cane frog speciments which have been HUMANELY smeared with hemorrhoid ointment will be accepted. There is no charge for the service; however, homeoners must lease the use of company-owned containers, priced at $10 per month for a minimum of 50 years. Barry's new division will be referred to as the: "You 'Rhoid 'Em, We Nuke 'Em Squad™.

30-30-30-30- (years of experience)

Of COURSE it's Claire Martin...

For your info, 'haemorrhoid' and 'anaesthesia' are not "Brit-isms", they are the way you actually spell those words (if you speak English that is). Now I know American spelling has to be dumbed down (for reasons that are obvious to the rest of the world) but hey, what can we expect from a republic that uses Imperial weights and measures (except that an American gallon is only 80% of an Imperial gallon - how'd the petrol companies manage to swing that one)?

"Dave Barry" - Please do not use that handle here on the blog. There is only one Dave Barry here; he is The Blog and the reason we are all here. You, of course, are quite welcome to join us, but you must not post under that name.

Thanks!

Oops sorry, Mr Completely! It just happens to be my name too - it's been in the family since the twelfth century so it's a little hard to escape. What do you suggest I do - use David (which I never call myself) or make something up? I feel an identity crisis coming on...

Boutez en avant! - the Barry family motto - had to remind myself who I am.

Just a moment of seriousness here - those cane toads are an absolute nightmare. They are decimating vast numbers of our Oz native wildlife and will hit Kakadu National Park in the Northern Territory (one of the most stunningly beautiful places on Earth) and on to Western Australia where I live some time in the next few months (yes, that's months, not years or decades). They are wiping out our native frogs, reptiles, birds, marsupials and fish across the whole North of Australia - it's an ecological disaster. Any ideas? There isn't enough Preparation H in the Universe to handle this...

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