24

Here is where I believe the situation stands: Following last week's gas attack on CTU HQ, the Hobbit is dead. So is Tony, who is not to be confused with Tony Soprano, who is in a coma after getting shot by Uncle Junior. In addition, many nameless CTU staff extras are dead. Edgar also remains, tragically, dead. Audrey is still alive, prompting us to wonder where Uncle Junior is when we need him. Jack Bauer is also still alive and now holds the world indoor breath-holding record. The terrorists still have something like 18 Killer Kanisters, and evidently they will stop at nothing in their cruel and inhuman quest to make this particular plot thread last for the rest of this season. The president of the United States contunues to be a big girl's blouse and a complete handbag. Speaking of which, this item is still only $10.

Having missed the last two weeks, I'm depending on you keen observers out there to explain what is happening tonight. Since I have no idea what's going on, rather than put my clueless updates here in the main section, I'll put my comments down in the comments section, where they will mingle freely with yours. So I hope everybody is wearing protection.

Comments

[Jessica R.]

The A-Team! They knew how to do violence!

[Brad]

audrey is a mole!

[Glow]

Audrey is going to get it! In both thighs!

[horselover]

bum bum baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[bizrey]

O_O Audrey -- I got nothin' ...

[O. the U(manity)]

Woo-Hoo!

Audrey!

[greg]

OMFG AUDREY!!!

[Jerry]

unbelievable. audray

[Bucket]

HOLY AUDREY TERRORIST TRAITOR, Batman!!!!

[daisymae]

Ack...Audrey! Gotta see next week's previews.

[shane]

YES!!!! AUDREY, YOUR THIGHS HAVE A LIMITED LIFESPAN!

[mnich]

hahahahaha. yay.

[LucyVanPelt]

I think I'm going to pass out..... A simulpost with judi and Dave.

[Aubrey]

Never did like her....

Jack is just destined to not have a love life.

[Wes S.]

Good! Maybe next week somebody will finally shoot Audrey!

...And what is it with Jack picking traitors (or people related to traitors) for girlfriends, anyway?

[Jessica R.]

Good...shoot Audrey; she hasn't cried in weeks and is WAY over due for a good sob-fest.

[Glow]

What is it with Jack and his CTU women?! Should have stuck with the single mom and Kid Cobain.

[Lane-o]

Well, didn't anyone notice that ANYONE could SAY they were Audrey. Wouldn't you want a visual confirmation of her identity????

[jon]

AUDREY IS GOING DOWN! THERE IS A GOD!

[daisymae]

Jeeez...a 17 person simulpost.

[Amy]

Holy CRAP!! AUDREY?!?!?!?

[mnich]

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[bizrey]

Is Jack gonna torture Collette AND Audrey???

[Dave]

Next week: Jack chokes Audrey!

[judi]

OOOOOOOOOOHyeah!

[Aubrey]

Choke her and kiss her at the same time...

[Sam G.]

Jack choking Audrey?
All my dreams have come true.

[Brad]

jack sure knows how to pick girl friends - they turn up dead or are a mole - or at least look like one

[Wes S.]

Jack's willing to strangle Audrey...yet won't lay a hand on Collette.

What's up with that?

[Stevo]

Jack has a little problem with relationships I think

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I think Audrey's going to cry next episode, based on the preview...

Adonis: I dunno...you had italics in your post...you're guilty, JUST ADMIT IT!!

[Jerry]

choking your girlfriend doesn't usually develop oneness with her

[KOW]

Well, given that preview, I think it's safe to say that Jack and Audrey are truly a thing of the past. And it looks like she's going to cry again.

[Glow]

A menage trois next week! Jack will have one of each's thighs, please.

[Dave]

OK, I take it all back about this being a crappy episode, UNLESS Audrey gets out of it next week, in which case I will personally track down the writers and kill them.

[JBismyhomeboy]

I think this opens the door Chloe's been waiting for.....

[homeybeef]

I'd say this makes up for tony and edgar

[Salamander]

well, let's see... Jack killed her husband, now he's going to choke her

[chrisinmd]

audrey will pay!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I think they're gonna pull a Boston Legal and replace the entire cast.

[daisymae]

Wait...Aaron's still alive.

Anybody know why they are after Wayne Palmer (and who 'they' are?)?

[Bucket]

I dunno, Dave, I think you're being awfully nice taking it all back.... one minute does not a whole hour's episode make, IMHO, that is.

[Wes S.]

Oh never mind: I guess Jack bounced Collette off a wall by her throat in the previews, too...

...Now if he would just give Kim a long-overdue spanking, we'd all be happy...

[greg]

she's done.

[Betsy]

Yeah...I'm with Dave on this one. I'll believe it when I see it. But if I see it, I'll be SOOOoooooooooo happy!

[O. the U(manity)]

17! Wowser!

Wuz it good for y'all, too?

[jon]

next week- jack shoots colette in the thingh, the bullet passes through her and goes through both of audrey's thighs.

[Jessica R.]

Dave,
It took :59 of NOTHING to get to the good part! THAT, my friend is a crappy episode!

[alco4343]

YOU THINK JACK'S HAVING A BAD DAY

How would you like to be the headline writer at the LA TIMES:

Car Bombing in Glendale, no Wait
Former President Assasinated, no wait
Hostage Taking at airport, no wait
Gas at the Galleria, no wait
Bazooka attack in Pomona, no wait
Marshall Law Declared, no wait
Mad Cow in Georgia, Bird flu in Belgium

I QUIT

[Bucket]

O the U - OHhhhh Yeaaaahhhhhh
*puff...... puff*

[daisymae]

Yeah, O.U, that's what it takes to get to 450 in one hour.

[Glow]

Well, I'm sad Jack didn't give my Tony more than a second too. Chloe emoted more over the death of Edgar than Jack did over Tony's death!

[Wes S.]

One good thing about the show: looks like next week we finally dispense with the cannisters of gas once and for all...

[Jessica R.]

oops, sorry Bucket, you beat me to it on that one. I'm still glad that I opted to blog instead of watch. Maybe next week I'll be able to watch and blog. I have to commandeer the laptop from my bigger-than-me hubby in order to do that. There are ways to do that! ;O)

[shane]

Okay, so let's recap:

(1) Vice President Laura Palmer's Dad has shut down the entire city of Los Angeles by the cunning use of one tank and two orange-and-white roadblock signs.

(2) Dead President Palmer's Brother was one episode too late to join in the Hey-Let's-Kill-Off-Everybody-But-Jack Party of last week, which explains why he can flip his car and magically escape along with the Very Important Secret that he can ONLY share with Some Random Secret Service Guy.

(3) Desmond proves that you can escape the "Lost" island given the proper motivation, that being to bang hot German chicks.

(4) Jack shoots no one in the thigh.

(5) The terrorists now have a "You Are Here" map of some Very Important Place wherein they plan to open their Thermoses of Doom. Aforementioned map could have been provided by Jack's unbelievably irritating ex-girlfriend, causing 24 fans across the globe to cheer en masse at the prospect of her bleeding thighs.

(6) Chloe, Bill, and Curtis realize that they're the ONLY returning CTU members who are neither (a) dead nor (b) evil.

[Betsy]

...and with all due modesty, I would like to mention that my lone 9:56 Audrey-reaction post was FIRST, before the 17 simulposts at 9:57.
Hey...we take our glory where we can find it.

[Bucket]

Jess R- Hey, great minds think alike ; )

[bizrey]

JACK : Dammit Audrey, don't lie to me!! How do you know Colette?

AUDREY (crying) : I thought you were dead Jack! And I was so lonely...

Yeah, I should be writing this show :P

[Glow]

heehee, Thermoses of Doom...that's the kind of coffee I like!

[Jerry]

Twice as many thighs better get shot next week to make up for today.

[O. the U(manity)]

Well, that wuz sorta fun ... actually trineta watch (as the show goes on, at the same time) from two rooms away from the computer, while noshin' a large bowl of ice cream without spillin' or droppin' globs on the carpet and seein' Jack slam Colette up against the wall and Audrey is toast ...

Werks fer me ...

[Bucket]

Danka Shane......

*ducks*

[homeybeef]

I was the fist of the 17! also, dave must never leave again. When he's gone, edgar dies, tony dies, countless red shirts die but when he returns, we get......THAT! Sure it was a boring episode but our prayers have been answered with that ending

[Jessica R.]

bizrey,
That would be an interesting scene!

[Dave]

Good work, everybody. I enjoyed posting down here, except for the anti-spam robot, which several times challenged me. Me! I will have it shot.

[Bucket]

Go for the robot thigh Dave!!!

[Glow]

Jack Bauer, 'dead' for 18 months, come back from the dead to work for CTU temporarily and had already killed (counting fingers) NUMEROUS people in this day and allowed to torture (counting fingers) a robocop and three women. CTU needs more agents, obviously, since everyone else is just tapping computer keys.

[O. the U(manity)]

DAve! YOU got challenged? Wowser! Best line of the nite!

Even better than "Audrey Raines" ...

[shane]

Dave, that's because you shouldn't start every comment on here with the endorsement of "How to Enlarge Your Oosik"!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Dave, now everyone hangs out, drinks margaritas and waits for Steve's recap.

[Unrealious]

I liked it better when you posted outside and I could read unadulterated Dave. But whatever works for you man.

[mnich]

Nina has somehow been reincarnated as Audrey for punishment.

[Glow]

So is Wayne so dead next week? As well as Audrey? Is agent Aaron going to be caught outside during curfew? Will Buchanan and that Homeland Security woman become an item? Will Colette go after German spy with the Brit accent? Most of all, will Jack use his gun instead of his cell phone? I'm hoping for some graphic/violence.

[Bob]

Yes, but when he posts outside there is no opportunity to have the honor of a simulpost with the Exalted One himself.

[baligurl]

I'm with you,Dave. And I have a GREAT place for Audrey's body...I'm just sayin'. I'll help you with the robot too. Stoopid Robot.

[super]

dude- audrey sucks and all, but there's no way. i don't buy it. i'm with lane-o. i think someone is setting her up. it just seems to good to be true.

[Adonis]

I hate that robot! Dave, you should really use Alfred's atomic chicken on it. Results don't lie, look at Andy. Demolished.

[Glow]

So you think somebody set up the Secretary of State's daughter? Hmmm. B-BB-Bobbbb?

[baligurl]

Maybe I'm settin' her up. She deserves it.

[Bob]

Audrey does seem pretty guilty in the promo, though.

[Milo]

It should be noted that Dave made a great sacrifice to join us in the blogspace tonight... Something like a year's worth of UM tuition????

http://www.allamericanspeakers.com/newspeakerbio/2535/index.php

I'm just throwing around a rough number I'm guessing we owe him about $80 a word for the last hour! (and worth every penny... just for the Random Plot Generator line)

[tropichunt.com guy™]

*looks around*

Hmmmm...I'm still here...must have missed that invitation to the gassing at CTU...

*looks back at Adonis and blinks*

Hey, Adonis, that purse goes good with you.

[super]

and where's henderson now?

[Kiffer]

Another fall-asleep thrilla. When is this season picking up? I could watch seasons 1-3 on DVD for 24 hours straigh with out so much as getting droswy. Now season 5 is either incredibly boring or America has jet lag.

As for Audrey, thank god. In these dark days of war this potential death stands out as a beakon of hope to the American people.

[Adonis]

*twitch*

Andy, I swear to D. Leanord Barry, you better quit!

[Steve]

8:00 pm - A sheet over Tony. Yep...Tony's dead. Either that or he's going to be a ghost for Halloween.

8:01 - Audrey says Robocop got away. Chloe hacked Robocop's computer, and found the name of the lady terrorist. Jack hitches a ride with Curtis.

8:02 - VP Scary has handed a speech to Manilow, and it looks like he's going to shut down Los Angeles. He says that all he has to do is shut down the Hollywood sign, and everything will come to a stand-still.

8:03 - Manilow calls a curfew, and fortunately, everyone in LA being a law abiding citizen, there will be no problem implementing this plan.

8:04 - Madam Haig enters and tells her plan to take ahold of CTU. Bill greets her, and tells her that they're still looking for a replacement Edgar.

8:05 - Homeland Security Guy (HSG) wants to take over Edgar's station, and Chloe doesn't think he can do it. I mean, this guy doesn't look like he's had a Ho-Ho in his life.

8:06 - Secret Service guy gets a call from President All-State's brother, with a delivery. The secret service guy looks worried that it may be an insurance premium.

8:07 - Oh great. VP Scary just said "I'm in control". Now he's asking for Anakin.

8:09 - Bill tells Madam Haig that they'll be back up to strength as soon as they get their replacement Edgar.

8:11 - Whoa! The guy in bed with Terrorist Woman is Desmond from "LOST"! So that's where he went!

8:12 - Terrorist Woman is on the phone with Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST). She has the plans, schematics, and access codes for the hatch.

8:13 - IEST plans on gassing 200,000 people in LA by releasing the gas in the line for American Idol auditions.

Commercial

8:17 - Bill finally caught on that yet another person wants his job. Madam Haig tells Bill that she's taking over. We all know how well it went the last time someone tried to take over Bill's job. She's messing with Bill's computer's and he looks nervous that she'll find his "personal" folder.

8:18 - Audrey is catching on that something weird is going on in CTU. The HS guy gives her this weird "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" stare.

8:19 - Jack is in the Terrorist Woman's apartment, but can't find her. Curtis heads upstairs to the roof, since the roof of a 20-story building in LA makes for a good escape route.

8:20 - Desmond jumps Curtis! Desmond asks if Curtis knows the code word, and if he's a replacement from the Dharma Initiative.

8:21 - Desmond says he's a secret agent for the Germans, and if they don't believe him, ask John Locke.

8:24 - Desmond tells Jack that Jack can't touch him. Heh. He don't know Jack!

Commercial

8:28 - Terrorist Woman arrives at Terrorist Headquarters.

8:29 - Audrey is arguing with someone on the phone, and threatens to cry.

8:30 - The Germans won't let Desmond talk. Something about the Island, different networks, and giving away the ending. Jack asks Curtis to leave.

8:31 - Jack offers Desmond a "wet list", in exchange for Terrorist Woman's info. Desmond says that Jack shouldn't try and be tricky, because he has a couple names from the passenger list already.

8:32 - Jack wants Chloe to hack the NSA. Chloe says she can't do it because she doesn't have a key card. As if that stopped her before! Chloe spills Homeland Security coffee on Homeland Security guy's Homeland Security pants. He goes to the Homeland Security bathroom to clean up.

8:33 - Chloe grabs a keycard and starts typing. She's on the phone with Jack while hacking into the NSA's computer, and uploads it to Jack on the Jack phone. Chloe gets away with it...apparently. Homeland Security guy looks Homeland Security suspicious.

8:34 - Jack shows the list to Desmond, who says it looks like the right passenger list. He gives it back to Jack, and tells him to go to Oceanic Airlines at the airport in car lot C.

8:35 - Terrorist Woman asks to have money transferred from IEST, and she tells him the code is "4 8 15 16 23 42". They enter the code, and IEST tells them to torch the place as Terrorist Woman leaves.

8:41 - VP Scary is in more trouble with one of the governors than with Manilow. One of VP Scary's padawans tells him that Allstate's brother is on the way. The road block lets him through.

8:42 - Desmond tells Jack that Terrorist Woman has spider sense and won't show herself if she senses danger. Desmond still seems to have a crush on Terrorist Woman, probably because he's been in that hatch for so long.

8:43 - Back at CTU, Bill asks to talk to Chloe. Madam Haig tries to confront Chloe, and they know they Chloe sent a document to Jack. Bill and Madam Haig completely freak out when they find out that Chloe sent the "wet list" to Jack. Homeland Security Guy is giving Chloe another one of his Invasion Stares.

8:44 - Jack, for some reason has his phone on RING. Desmond insists on hearing everything on speaker phone, mainly because if Jack just uses his ear piece to talk, Jack will look like a homeless guy carrying on a one-sided conversation.

8:44 - Madam Haig wants that "wet list" back, and Jack pulls a gun on Desmond. She tells Jack that she'll get Curtis to take that card back, and Jack tells HER that she'll be responsible for every live lost. (love-15, advantage Bauer). She tries to pull the "we need authorization" card on Jack, which doesn't work (love-30, Bauer). Then when Jack says there's a car coming with Terrorist Woman, she asks if he can guarantee that's her. Jack says no, but does Madam Haig want to be responsible? (love-40, Bauer) Jack keeps standing up to her, and she finally gives in. (Game to Bauer!) Madam Haig says there will be "repercussions". Jack tells her she can have all the cussions she wants, and hangs up.
Jack asks Desmond if they're "alright".

8:46 - Desmond gets out of the car, so does Terrorist Woman, and they move in. Desmond gets in a car and drives off.

8:48 - Terrorist Woman won't talk, and as Desmond drives away, he tries to upload the "wet list" to his contacts. Apparently it's not Windows compatible, because much like a strawberry Pop-Tart, it burst into flames for no apparent reason. He gets a phone call from Jack, who says he'll help him install Windows. Desmond tells Jack he's going to have to call technical support and now he's REALLY mad at Jack.

Commercial

8:54 - Terrorist Woman still won't talk. Jack keeps asking questions, and she whines about Desmond. For the second time tonight, Jack tells Curtis to leave. Terrorist Woman tells him that IEST is probably gone. She wants diplomatic immunity because she has a TON of parking tickets.

8:55 - Jack gets on the phone with CTU. Madam Haig says "for the record" for about the 10th time tonight. For the record.

8:57 - A car is following Allstate's brother, and is speeding up. Van door opens up, and shoots the car which goes off into a ditch. Guys get out of the van headed to the car. Allstate's brother gets out, and heads for a drainage tunnel to get away.

8:59 - Terrorist Woman's on the phone with a Terrorist Lawyer. She gives Jack the location of IEST, and that AUDREY SOLD HER THE SCHEMATIC INFO.

Jack's a little upset about that, because he knows Audrey is going to try and cry her way out of this.

[baligurl]

MyGod, Steve, you are so AMAZIN!

[Steve]

Hey, Tropic Hunt Guy (tm). I sent you some e-mail... did you get it?

[bizrey]

Great googaly moogaly Steve!! Are you a Timelord?! Great Job!

[ArcticAl]

Steve that was marvelous as usual. You are always good for many snorks!

Well Done Steve-0!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Steve, it'd be best if you sent it to my 'clandestine' address. Lemme check the email address you may have used and get back with you.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oh, I almost forgot:

Okay, okay, Adonis. Your feminine charms have won me over. I'll stop.

;)

[Glow]

Steve is the bomb, er...canister! He actually made the episode sound exciting! Thanks!

[daisymae]

And another amusing play-by-play from the ever Awesome STEVE!!

[Adonis]

Good job steve! See dave, wasn't that worth waiting for?

[Triggy]

Wow. I think Steve wants to Madam Haig Dave Barry's 24 Blog right out from under him!

[daisymae]

Does anybody know whatever happpened to Henderson?

[Gabrielle]

OMG.. who IS that German undercover HOTTIE???? Someone tell me please! I have a marriage proposal to deliver!

[Steve]

Triggy.... Ack! No way! Dave has powerful allies and weapons!

[Adonis]

That's it andy (notice the lowercase, don't make it "ndy") I will now unleash the most powerful weapon I have: (and no, their not italics)

You are a booger.

That is all. Gamesetmatch Adonis.