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February 15, 2006

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

February 14, 2006

GET READY...

FEEL-GOOD PAINTING OF THE DAY SO FAR

Sad Day on  the Farm

(Thanks to Claire Martin, who asks, "Why would anybody paint this scene?")

WHAT GUYS NEED

Guys need lasers.

(Via Gizmodo)

OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

WHY IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A 5-YEAR-OLD ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Sophies_valentine_poem

YIKES

Assassin spiders!

Here's a closeup.

(Via Sploid)

MEN

They're not happy. Especially this one.

YOU WANT ICE WITH THAT?

No thanks, just some toilet water.

February 13, 2006

24

My wife is off covering the Olympics, which means that I'm solely responsible for our five-year-old daughter. So I regret to announce that tonight I had to look into my heart and make a decision: Should I watch a silly, meaningless television show, or should I act as a responsible parent and take care of my child?

I'm sure she'll be fine.

I am not so sure about 24. The plot has been moving at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Last year, we had Air Force One getting shot down AND half the nuclear power plants in the United States melting down AND a nuclear missile heading to Los Angeles. This year, so far, we have: canisters. A large chunk of last week's episode was devoted to showing the reconfiguring of these canisters; in terms of dramatic visual impact, this was not unlike watching brake repair.

I'm hoping things improve tonight. President Manilow has turned over control of the United States to his unstable cleavage-flaunting wife, so that's a good sign. She seems like the kind of gal who just might do something wacky. And apparently the terrorists are going to take the canisters to a mall, which also holds promise for some action. Like the terrorists could try to set off the canisters in a department store, only to be thwarted when helpful sales clerks squirt them in the eyes with perfume samples. Or the terrorists could actually detonate the canisters and release the nerve gas, but nobody notices, because at the same time there's a major shoe sale. I'm just thinking out loud here.

Whatever happens, one thing is certain: When the trouble starts, a certain high-level federal agent will be on the scene -- a man who takes no prisoners; a man who shoots first and asks questions later. He's not perfect, but, darn it, that just makes us love him more.

UPDDATE: We have no update at this time.

UPDATE: What kind of moron watches Skating With Celebrities? Besides me, I mean.

UPDATE: They're advising viewer discretion.

UPDATE: Increased canister chatter!

UPDATE: They're probably going to kill Jack!

UPDATE: Edgar's on the schematic.

UPDATE: Mike thinks President Manilow is whipped.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. WHEN IS THE SHOOTING??

UPDATE: Edgar is running the plates.

UPDATE: "Show time!"

UPDATE: Chloe knows how to install the chip. She is some woman.

UPDATE: I bet that voids the canister warranty.

UPDATE: How come nobody ever punches Audrey?

UPDATE: Why can't the president get a shirt collar that fits? He's the PRESIDENT!

UPDATE: President Manilow is definitely sleeping on the First Sofa tonight.

UPDATE: Twenty minutes and not a single shot fired. What is this? Sesame Street?

UPDATE: They obviously don't watch their own previews, or they'd have known the target was the Sunrise Hills Mall.

UPDATE: They never see anything, these people. They have visuals.

UPDATE: Toyota is having a Think Big Truck Event.

UPDATE: Chloe's in the server.

UPDATE: Oooh! Mall security! Those guys are good.

UPDATE: Gas the mall! Sounds crazy at first, but makes sense, now that you explain it!

UPDATE: This has to be the dumbest plot development yet.

UPDATE: It's a tragic choice, darn it, but what the hey.

UPDATE: I have this feeling Jack is going to....

UPDATE: OK, he's pretending to be knocked out, right? You can't knock out Jack Bauer just by hitting him really hard on the head!

UPDATE: The terrorists are talking to Canister Technical Support.

UPDATE: Yes! Neck breakage!

UPDATE: All teams are moving in.

UPDATE: Not the Food Court!!

UPDATE: Jack does not have a visual on the hostile.

UPDATE: It's either the nerve gas, or some bad mayonnaise at Chick Fil-A.

UPDATE: Jack is also of course a highly trained paramedic. Later, he will do everybody's income taxes.

UPDATE: He's on foot!

UPDATE: He's stealing a car! The bastard!

UPDATE: Boooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg

UPDATE: A perimeter! They should just put all of California in a perimeter and be done with it.

UPDATE: Hostile down!

UPDATE: They've got NOTHING! Which is pretty much what we got out of this episode. I don't know about everybody else, but my feeling is: enough already with canisters.

REMINDER

Tonight. Be ready.

BUST DOCTOR

It's on the Internet, so it must be true.

Key Quote: 15 minutes per day is efficient to make good shaping bust.

(Via Gizmodo)

SOON TO BE IN A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE WITH KEVIN BACON

The Huge Lily-Scented Worm

(Thanks to Charley)

CHENEY HEADLINE OF THE DAY THAT IS NOT RELATED TO QUAIL

(Thanks to Jon)

SHOCKING NEWS FROM THE MIDWEST

School officials demand that their students perform naked!

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

MOST MYSTERIOUS NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE DICK CHENEY

If we understand this story correctly, the Lagos State Commissioner for the Environment is very upset about the destruction of a public toilet built by the state government at a cost of N3.8 million. So far, so good. Except that the toilet was allegedly destroyed by the Federal Road Maintenance Agency with the backing of the police. We are looking for answers to these questions:
(1) What is going on in Lagos that would cause such hostility toward toilets?
(2) If the the Federal Road Maintenance Agency is destroying toilets, who is maintaining the roads?
(3) How much is an "N"?
Thank you.

CRIME UPDATE FROM BIRCHGROVE, SWANSEA

They won't get far on foot.

February 12, 2006

A WORD TO THE WISE

Do not mess with Dick Cheney, lest he mistake you for a quail.

(Thanks to the perky-yet-laid-back guys 'n' gal of the WLTX News Team, who are On Your Side)

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: We have just received this exclusive photograph of the vice-president's quail-hunting party.

UPDATE UPDATE: Mr. Cheney "had absolutely no intention of shooting anybody," according to a statement just released by the vice president's shooting instructor.

YUM

Calamari, anyone?

ATTENTION, APARTMENT DWELLERS

Keep an eye out for Bessy.

THE WINTER 'LYMPICS

Here's a complete report.

February 11, 2006

WHY WE LOVE SOUTH FLORIDA ANYWAY

Sometimes you go outside to get the paper and there's one of these guys on your lawn.
Bird1

February 10, 2006

WHY SOUTH FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

Reason 2,038

SUPERMARKET MOMENT

Today after I dropped my daughter off at kindergarten I went to the supermarket, where the p.a. system is pretty much stuck in the Sixties, not that I am complaining. When I walked in,  it was was playing the Troggs singing "Wild Thing," which is such a great clomping dinosaur of a song that I was forced to smile and shuffle my feet in a semi-rhythmic manner while I picked out my Heart Smart cereal. Here's an amazing fact: According to the Troggs' official site, "Wild Thing" was recorded in 10 minutes. It doesn't sound as if it took nearly that long.   

AWWW

The Valentine Goat

ATTENTION, CONSUMERS WISHING TO PURCHASE VIETNAMESE GRAPEFRUIT

Be careful.

SLITHERING FASCISM UPDATE

You can license my snake when you pry it out of my cold, dead... OUCH!

February 09, 2006

VALENTINE'S DAY ADVISORY FOR MEN

Be advised that you need not pay a fortune for a special, one-of-a-kind gift.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

COMPUTERS

They're changing the way we get things done.

SPORTS UPDATE FROM GERMANY

Two, four, six, eight
We want you to procreate!

THESE WON'T LAST LONG AT THIS PRICE

STILL just $10!

HATS OFF TO BRUNEI

This is how to handle government forms.

GOOD NEWS FOR MOTORISTS!

Here's a guy who claims he has invented a car engine that can run on, among many other liquids, steak sauce and latte! Of course that'd cost, what, 75 bucks a gallon. But still!

February 08, 2006

THE APOCALYPSE

It has arrived.

(Thanks to everybody.)

MEANWHILE IN ARKANSAS

A close call for Boo Boo.

(You know who you are.)

ATTENTION LIBRARIANS

Please place your order immediately.

(Thanks to georgiagirl)

UPDATE: Library patrons: Be responsible, or you could get in trouble.

(Thanks to LaDawn Haws and hurvitz)

WHAT A REAL GUY WANTS

He wants this.

(Via Gizmodo)

FASCISM UPDATE

It's creeping into Sweden.

ADVISORY TO BRITISH PERSONS

Run.

A TIME FOR DANCING IN THE STREETS

Missy Hissy has been found.

INTERIOR-DECORATING TIPS FOR GEEKS SCI-FI FANS

Tip Number One: Don't do this.

(Via Gizmodo)

February 07, 2006

YES ANOTHER CAN'T-MISS MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

The amazing escape of Letikuku Sudumbu.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BURP

That hit the spot.

(Thanks to Pop Dogg)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using frozen squirrels.

(Thanks to eight bazillion people, though Cassie was first)

ATTENTION, SUPER BOWL AD WRITERS

You may have met your match.

(Thanks to David)

TOURIST DESTINATION OF THE DAY

The "Gem" town of Cumbria

(Thanks to Blue Meanie)

VALENTINE'S DAY

Now here's the perfect gift.

(Thanks to Brainy Jello)

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY THIS BLOG DRAWS THE LINE AT HAVING SEX WITH SQUID

"He says the creatures do not mean to eat each other but the females accidentally bite bits off of the males during mating."

COWS MAKING MOOS NEWS

According to Shree Raghaveshwara Bharathi Swamiji -- and as we always say around this blog, "If you cannot believe Shree Raghaveshwara Bharathi Swamiji, who the heck can you believe?" -- Ramachandrapur Mutt is going to set up the world’s first cow bank. We will have updates on this important story as soon as the drugs kick in.

 
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