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January 03, 2006


You know how people are always asking authors, "Where do you get your ideas?" ...

(Thanks to Ken Molay)


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Hey! I'm being held hostage at work! They say I can't leave until 5. Can I sue them for unlawful imprisonment?

Wasn't this the plot of an old episode of LA Law?

What the hell kind of name is Ingo Q.?

it seems normal enough to me!

I wonder if I can sue on behalf of my luggage. My luggage is currently being held hostage somewhere over the pacific. It is entirely possibly my underclothes are doubling as pillows for Delta customers.

Yes qetzal, it was an old episode of LA Law. I can't remember if it was me or that Jiminy Schitz guy that sued. I don't think it was the character played by Ben Stein.


Blair Underwear

Laugh if you wish, but when they tell me that being allowed to leave a grounded plane is something you "have to work out with your captain", my first thought is, "Aaaargh, matey."

We could work it out just fine if he wasn't hiding behind that locked steel door! Come out here and face it like....

Oooo, look - flashing lights and sirens...

I'm with you, SN. Let's start a class action suit. We should be allowed to come and go from work as we please.

I wish.

LOL, Betsy.

why couldnt they leave? i dont get it? i spell lawsuit.

I work at a law firm, and I want to leave NOW. Can I join the suit?

Surprised this story wasn't from Detroit and Northwest. Where travelers were once trapped in planes for eight (8) hours during a snowstorm. I hear it got ugly after five hours when the bathrooms quit working.

Having twice been stuck on a grounded plane in "don't know when we'll get clearance to take off" hell, I'm happy to support their lawsuit.

Planes are uncomfortable enough without having to be held hostage on the tarmac. If you've been waiting to take off for more than 45 minutes, they should have to refund part of your fare; if it goes for more than 1.5 hours, they should take you back to the terminal so you can try to make other arrangments.

This is why my motto is: If I can't drive there, I ain't goin'

Unless you wake up in the warm, loving embrace of another man named "Crusher", you ain't in prison.

Aunt Nancy...I'm with you. I also take trains; but I'm no fan of Big Iron Bird in Sky. If something goes wrong, I'd rather have it be on the ground than at 30,000 feet.

(And frequent flyers who are about to fling statistics at me can save their energy...I've heard it all before; and my brain believes them. Unfortunately my pulse, respiration, sweat glands and nervous system don't.)

Would Harvey Birdman be the appropriate attorney at law for this case?

Betsy - statistics clearly show that you probably won't die a horrible fiery death in a plane crash

statistics also clearly show that, sooner or later, a plane's gonna crash

statistically speaking then, it seems to me that the more often you fly, the more likely it is that you will be on the plane that crashes, most likely screaming all the down, and thereafter becoming another statistic

this is why:

1. I fly as little as possible

2. when I do have to fly, I either get drunk enough that I will sleep through the whole flight, or I get so high that I will (hopefully) find the crash (and my subsequent statistically unlikely demise) entertaining...

screaming all the WAY down

(gotta start using the preview thingy)

Well traveling by train can make you a prisoner just as easily.

Mad -

I could tell you stories about the background of what contributed to that train delay ... just sayin' ...

I'm with Kat--and Ingo. Just because it's snowing, the airline shouldn't get to take hostages.



Things certainly have changed. When I was 17, my family and I went to Florida from Vermont. There was a huge snow storm the night before so they had a bus pick us up and drop us off in Albany, NY (about a 2 hour drive), then we were delayed in Pennslyvania for 3 hours. As a result, we go a really decent meal for our troubles.

Now they just give out sandwiches? They're going the way of the airliners. Pretty soon they will just give out 5 peanuts and a half a cup of soda.

The passengers are sitting in their seats, ready to take off, when the pilot comes walking up the aisle towards the cockpit. He has on dark glasses, is using a white-tipped cane, and is holding a guide-dog's lead. The passengers look at each other in alarm and then chuckle nervously to each other, sure that it's a gag.

The plane pulls away from the gate and starts its takeoff roll down the runway. It gathers more and more speed, but the nose doesn't lift. People look out the windows and realize they are headed straight for a big lake at the end of the runway! They start screaming in terror just as the nose lifts and the plane takes off just in time.

Up in the cockpit the pilot shakes his head and says, "You know... One of these days they aren't going to scream in time and we're all gonna get it."

(and what does the dog say?)

"Arf!" says Sandy ...

Wow, I thought I was the only one awake. Wish I wasn't.

Awake, that is. Not the only one who is. Hi, U.O!

Hi, s-girl. It's way past your bedtime. Yes, we're cheaper than a therapist, but you need your sleep. Plenty of odd things will happen tomorrow, and we'll need your sweet insight and punditry. Sooo:

Lullaby and good night,
Have a beer now and sleep tight.
Close your fridge, get the cat,
Pleasant dreams are where it's (not its) at.

When the sun lights the sky,
You will wake feeling dry.
Start the day with a drink,
Dave is really a shrink.

Lordy, lordy! Here we are, all wide awake and singing at the tops of our lungs. How do we ever expect to get anything done tomorrow?

On the other hand, it's (not its) nice to know that there's always someone on duty.

Heavens to Betsy (sorry!), it's a freakin' lullaby - I hope I wasn't too loud!

Welcome to the CNN of comedy - funny 24/7. "Day jobs? We don't need no steenkink day jobs!"

I wasn't complaining...far from it. I just meant "at the tops our lungs" as compared to "not singing at all, but sleeping soundly like normal people."

But that day job remark...now you've got me worried. I guess I really should go back to bed and lie there tensely and tell myself repeatedly how important it is to relax because I really need to go to sleep so I can awake refreshed and function successfully in the (alleged) 'real world'.

So this happened to me just the other day. It was supposed to be a 23 minute flight, but we sat out on the tarmac for 3 hours. Better yet, we sat there for so long that we RAN OUT OF FUEL! We returned to the gate to refuel and go back out to sit some more. It was absurd and I tell you, I did want off that plane. It's only a 2 hour drive, so I could have made other arrangments. Additionally, though we didn't take off for hours, they acted as though it was imminent and by that I mean yelling at anyone who wanted to use the restroom that they needed to return to their seats! I suppose it's good that they didn't feed us then!

Y'all don't give me much to look forward to when I fly to New Mexico in April. But the tickets were free, so I guess I won't be able to complain.

By the way, a lot of airlines don't give peanuts anymore, because of passengers with allergies to them. Instead, it's trail mix or somesuch. *rolls eyes*

The longest I remember ever sitting on the tarmac was in Frankfurt, Germany several years ago when they couldn't get one of the engines to start. We were not given the option of leaving that I can recall. After something over 3 hours, they CLAIMED it was fixed and we took off for a 13 hour flight across the Atlantic. Needless to say the general confidence level in THAT statement resulted in extremely high liquor sales on the flight. I don't remember exactly, but I think we arrived safely.

Annie ~ thanks for the song. You're so sweet. And I'll take the blog over "real" therapy any day!

Ken - great joke!! Thanks! That one's going in my files.

Let you off the airplane if it's 45 minutes delayed? Christ, that's a normal taxi time from the terminal to the runway at a major airport during the "push" as we call it.

Now, the Captain should have let them off on the tarmac. The security could have rounded them up for being in a restricted area!

Hey Larry... get lost!
I was enjoying this blog and had to scroll through all your marketing crap! This is why ppl hate spammers!

If you are stuck on a plane on the ground make sure to tell the Captain to get off the main runway. If he does not comply with your instructions just wait and the issue will resolve itself.

How about 8 1/2 hours on the tarmac in Dallas on a July morning/afternoon? Without air conditioning or forced air ventilation? That was my hell in the mid-80's. It was a Brannif flight. On the day they ceased operations. Seems they ceased just after the plane backed from the gate and shut down the engines. No paid crews, air or ground, to get us off. I think American Airlines eventually came to our rescue, but not until the temps inside had hit about 120F, toilets were full, the drinks (of all kinds) were all gone, everyone had perspired until there was no more to yield, every scrap of clothing that could come off was off and being used as a fan, a couple of folks had passed out. Brannif, alas, was no more, so there was no one to sue. Most memorable--the lady next to me was a tall, blonde, Russian working on an exchange with GM. A couple hours in, she was down to her soaked underwear. I noted she was definitely a member of the red bra-gade. Cheers! EZ

Were the emergency exits not working?
I think I would have opened one long before 8 hours had transpired.

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