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January 26, 2006


Today I'm on my way to strumpet for my book in Denver, which is also known, because of its 5,280-foot elevation, as "The City That Is Really Far From Its Own Airport." Thanks to everybody who came to the signing last night in Kansas City. Please stop bringing food! It was delicious.

Here's an exclusive CrapCam photo of blogsterette Jaybird, who brought a Snickers (Evil woman!) and a lemonade, in case I wore vertically piped corduroy.


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Let me be the FIRST to congratulat you, JayB.


Yey Jaybird!

HEY! Where's the books?

That'll save you about $37 at the minibar.

is that a light blue shirt???

Really enjoyed the booksigning last night. Thanks for coming!!
You're always welcome to strumpet in KC.

Really enjoyed the booksigning last night. Thanks for coming!!
You're always welcome to strumpet in KC.

Now that's what a crapcam photo should look like. I think. Hard to see there. I think there is a reversed image or something because Dave isn't wearing the blue shirt, JayBird is.

Or is that what you call un hommage?

Very cool, Jaybird!

Hey I know her!!!! Wow Dave, you had your picture taken with my friend. Cool...oh wait, it's supposed to be the other way around, I think..

Cool! Thanks, Dave!

And, yes, the shirt was in honor of The Funny One.

*snork* at "the city that is really far from it's own airport"

Actually the Denver airport is in Kansas, or so it seems when you drive there.

I think when I flew into Denver I had to get a tourist visa to get to the city and then register with my passport at the hotel.

Or was that NYC?

No, sorry, the passport was needed by my friend's parents. I stayed there. But, yea, it was Denver!

... and too sunny too. ALL THE TIME! Even at night.

AiP: The Cincinnati (Ohio, for the geographically challenged) airport is in Kentucky.

But wait, isn't Kansas City's airport just this side of Iowa?

Didn't know you loved Snickers, I would have put them in the sack with the Cheezits. A fabulous funny time last night. You are a light and blessing to the Planet. Come back soon.

Yeah I never understood that one either

No sly, you're thinking of Kid Detroit, he was out of Denver!

and the London airport is in the U.K., what's up with that?

Did Jaybird introduce you to Toby? He really is a well behaved frog.
And I cant believe she didnt get you a Pepsi!

Even better, The Geneva (Switzerland) airport is half in France, so de;ending on which gate you land at, you can go through passport control three times, get your rental car and cross the border to get back to the country you started in !!

That's why CVG is called the Greater Cincinnati Northern Kentucky Itnl Airport.

Sly - that's pretty close. And you can say the airport that serves Kansas City, KS is in Missouri, almost up to the Iowa line.

The scoop - Kansas City, KS and Kansas City MO are only separated by the state line. The MO side is bigger, and the airport is to the north, not very far from the Iowa line. But it takes longer to get from Denver's airport into town than it does to do the same in KC

that's depending


so you mean there is "MO" of KC in missouri (or misery) than in Kansas?

If there's a Greater Cincinnati, where's the Lessor Cincinnati?

lessor Cincinnati is obviously Kentucky

AmProv - Having been born on the Kansas side of KC, we don't think much o' them Missourians. There all killers and roughians.

(One day pass on the geezer bus for knowing the source of that paraphrase.)

*comes to the blog to get his geography lesson*

I missed the geezer bus, not enuff genral kultur ah gess

Dave, I couldn't help but notice that you're not coming to Boston on this book tour. Are you avoiding me? Because I promise not to violate the restraining order. Again.

Dave, Any plans to visit Boston or Maine?????

We buy lots of books and just stand around with our covers hanging open, with no one to sign them!

If he were to go to Boston, which state would he need to fly into?

*gets pin ready for map*

Chianca! Is YOUR cover hanging open too?

(Support meetings every thursday night around the scorpion bowl at Kowloons!)

wouldn't he have to fly into Ontario Canada (no wait, Ontario is in CA)

He can fly directly into Boston. But there's no way to get out.

1) Serious congrats to the lovely and witty Ms. Jaybird.

2) Dave - do NOT, under any circumstances, no matter how many Snickers she may hypnotize you with, participate in any karaoke with Punkin! (See yesterday's thread comments beginnning at 9:31am.)

3) I found a new favorite geographic oddity. Traveling down I-95 thru Maryland, I saw a sign for Rte. 272 South to North East.

4) See 2.

5) See 4.

Punkin, it's all coming together for me now ... Im getting a vision of Dave on Route 1 in Saugus ... He's holding a Scorpion Bowl on the giant ship in the middle of Kowloon's ... Our covers are hanging open ... Wait, no, it's gone now.

I remember not being able to get out of Boston. Did the tunnel fix that problem? Will it make up for all the time lost trying to get back to the airport from Bostaon?

Man, this blog gets around....reminds me of some nevermindnevermind

Dave!? When are you coming to Prague? We could book you some English classes to teach for beer money!

Boston, dammit.

Blue, in PA on US 19 there's a sign pointing left for Mars and right for Freedom.

... it's always been a difficult decission.

Chianca - If we get enough scorpion in him, we can help him discover the wonders of the Christmas Tree shop! Then screw with his sense of balance at the leaning tower of pizza! (Oops - he's listening, isn't he.)

And Dave - I RARELY take my saws-all outside the house. RARELY.

Pogo. The Big Dig is officially done. The big leaks, though, have just begun. You CAN get thru the tunnels safely - on very dry days. Maybe.
(Bring your floaties)

Blue - I thought that was you on I-95 yesterday! I waved when ya passed through Baltimore but I guess tou didnt see me. Ahh yes - the beautiful little town of North East, MD - located conveniently in South Central Cecil County. Go figure.

If going to Boston do you suppose Dave would get a rental car and drive around the airport for a few days and get back on the plane to go home?

I remember driving in downtown Boston and passing the "Cheers" bar 3 times. Darn one way streets!

I was going to fly to Atlanta, but I live closer to Atlanta than the airport I would have to drive to in order to catch a flight. I would have to drive 50 miles (start italics) in the other direction (end italics)to board. This might not seem signifigant, but I only live 170 miles from Atlanta. And I had planned to go all around Atlanta with my cover hanging open.

Punkin' - In about June 1998 I was driving a carload of co-workers back to Logan on Friday afternoon. We had been in town for a week of training. It took about 4 hours of bumper-to-bumper to get there. 3 of us missed our flights and had to stay over another night.

I'm sure locals would have known a faster way, but once we were in the jam, there were no exits.

Shredder, italics are i and /i surrounded with the less than and greater than symbols. If you wanted to know....

Oh! That was YOU!

You're right. There ARE no exits. Have you ever heard of the famous story of Charlie and the MBTA?

Charlie was a guy who couldn't negotiate the subway system. One day he got on and never got off. He's still there. His wife passes him sandwhiches thru the window.

Not that anything like that would ever happen to His Daveness. Noooooooooooooooooooo.

"He could never get off,
No he could never get off
charlie on the MTBA"
Sung by the irish rovers of some such

As somebody who makes a living by selling his writings, you will be delighted to know that I have your new book on reserve at my public library.

"He never returned,
No, he never returned,
And his fate is still unlearned.
May he ride forever
'Neath the streets of Boston
He's the man who never returned"

Punkin - I not only remember it, I heard the original version by the Kingston Trio not long ago - and still have it on vinyl from when it was first released in about 1962.

Back then it was just MTA, and the reason Charlie couldn't get off was the fare had gone up and he didn't have another nickle for the transfer to Jamaica Plain.

The worst part of that trip to the airport was one of the guys in the car had a bladder infection and really needed to visit the old porcelain convenience about every 15 minutes.

Oh did he ever return?
No he never returned,
And his Fate is still unknown!
(Poor old Charlie)
He will ride forever
'Neath the streets of Boston
He's the man who never returned!
(Credit the Brothers Four, but done by many)

On the plus side of the Denver Airport being located in New Mexico, you get to drive for a long time in the mountains to get, well, anywhere you'd want to be.

Because they have surgically removed all the oxygen, cars don't run as cool as they should, and you get to see them burst into flames.

We were on our way back to the airport from Vail and watched a family get out of their Winnebago to stand on the side of the road and watch it burn to a crisp in the center lane. We were going to give them a Snickers, but we were running a tad late for our flight.

Thanks for the earwig Punkin

never rode the MTBA, but isn't like the london underground where you have to use your ticket to get off?

Awww - Punkin beat me by a minute on the lyrics, and pogo got me on the backround... please disregard & I will return my geezer fare.

I can't believe Dave will be in Colorado and I will have to miss him! And I had so many good gifts stored up to give him (including, but not limited to: the Golden Fleece, the Holy Grail, the map to the secret location of the Fountain of Youth, Elvis's nosehair, a new blue shirt, and a cute little knitted cap for Walter.) Sorry, Dave...(blows kiss)

Yeah, CoastR - the Yellow Sub doing 40 mph (68.7 thermometers per gram) in the left lane with the blinker on, that was me.

Kibby, if you can help it, don't ever drive in downtown Newark NJ - the one way streets are all reversed depending on the time of day! New Jersey in general is a driver's nightmare. The only place I have experienced anything that rivals it was Zurich, Switzerland.

WOW! Not only can we all fill a geezer BUS, but looks like we've got the subway filled too!

Hey Dave,

I'm sure you already know this, but have you mentioned it to your wife?

Oh, you're supposed to do it before giving a speech. Now they tell me. No wonder!

C-bol: This was promptly forwarded to Mrs. Jello. Thank you. Thank you, indeed. (Not that I do all that much public speaking, but I might at any day now.)

Hey Dave! Awesome to finally get to meet you. I forgot to tell you my good idea for a band name- Jiminy Cricket Wimpy Stick...but that would probably require paying into the man (Disney). I'll be your flaming fingers fan any day!

Brainy - I consider taking phone calls to be "public speaking". Don't you?

Blue, I haven't tried Zurich yet. I didn't have any problems with Geneva. I've driven once into Newark airport - not something I'd like to repeat. Bayonne was horrendous too.

Since we have digressed to airports...

I have flown and driven into and out of nearly every major airport in the US. The NYC area airports were by far the hardest to deal with on the ground - with the exception of one really bad return trip into Logan.

oh, I thought it had to be during the speech, so much for my scheme to have a thin girl hiding inside the podium!

insom - You shock me!!!!

But here's what I want to know: C-bol's
article says it has to be full sexual intercourse to get the best results.

Is there a half-full intercourse that no one ever told me about? Or an empty one? Is the intercourse glass half full or half empty? So many questions, so little time! :)

I love the earwig, I was already singing it before I even got to the postings - thanks! :)

Jayster! You are indeed coolness defined.

Did they ever replace that tarp over the Denver airport with a permanent roof?

No, its still the silly tent-roof. Not the best thing for a snowy climate-the last time we had a big blizzard, it started to tear and they had to evacuate the terminal. Fortunately for Dave, there is no snow in the forecast today-it's just windy enough to blow your oosik off.

"...the volunteers who had sexual intercourse..."

Bet they didn't have much trouble finding volunteers for that.

*wonders if C-bol was one*

C-BOl - *snork* You wind up with a sort of pavlovian response whenever the phone rings.

"Honey! The phone! Get in here, quick!"

Eleanor - maybe they mean that premature ejaculation on your shoe hasn't shown a whole lot of efficacy in the public speaking stress reduction area.

Though I can't imagine why not.

"And so, without further ado, it is my immense pleasure to introduce to you a man who has made so many laugh so hard that things they ate weeks ago become lodged in their nostrils, Mr. Dave Barry!"

*squish, squish, squish, squish*

"Thank you. I'd like to start out by asking if anyone in the audience brought a wet-nap?"

Brainy - no wonder my wife is always saying "let the machine get it."

Then she complains that it's all sticky.

Ya can't win, really.

A loud, hearty *snork* to C-bol!

Luckily the machine needs 5 whole rings before the machine picks it up, so we don't have to feel rushed.

Well, in hindsight, that was a little TMI.

Speaking of hindsight....

(Sorry, Judi, it's time was, um, at hand)

Jaybird--Yay for you! Great pic, and I know you had a blast.
About the full intercourse article: Leave it to the Scottish researchers to come up with this. They rule!

Brainy - Ha!

Just have to change your greeting: "Hello, you've reached my voicemail. However, I might be just about ready to pick up, so hang on a few seconds. But do me a favor, if I don't pick up, don't call right back. I'm not 17 anymore, ya know!"

that's cool blue ;) hey i used to know a guy we called kelly blue... you know, as opposed to kelly green, right? hahahah we were SO clever back in college. anyway anybody know him? george patrick kelly, iirc. he'd be around.... 51-52 i guess. damn. also any of the sig eps? also david jahn who grew up with me in cincy... anybody? hey, if i can't take advantage of working for the blog to find old friends, what's the point?

C-bol...I was in Toastmasters for a while many years ago, and learned many things, but they never told us about this.

*visualizes applying this theory at Toastmasters*

Never mind.

C-Bol - That's quite the alternative definition for "phone sex."

I'm already doing the happy dance, and the luncheon is still two hours away. I haven't the foggiest notion of what I'll say to Dave. Hopefully I'll be a bit more sharp today than he was with Imelda Marcos ("Guck", heh). At least my shoes will be dry.

Pogo: Wasn't that "The Outlaw Josie Wales"? I'll decline the pass due to an unfair geezer advantage of utilizing late-night cable TV.

artchick: Sorry you won't be at either of the festivities today. I'll try to stammer for you.

All: With respect to our airport, I wish to quash the lies that it is located in west Kansas or north New Mexico. It is, in actual fact, located in southwest Nebraska.

Writer Dude - sent a comment to your blog I hope you will consider.

Writer Dude - Bingo, the old woman in Josie Wales. One of my favorite movies. You can give your pass to the person of your choice.

*applies for Visa to USA to meet Dave Barry*
*wonders if Rice Krispy Oosiks are allowed thru the airport*

You wind up with a sort of pavlovian response whenever the phone rings.

Situations where that could be embarassing:
*someone's cellphone when you're on the bus
*your phone rings at work
*someone's cellphone during a school play

I always wondered why "Poor Charlie's" wife passed him a sandwich everyday instead of another nickel.

C-bol: I sent your article to my hubby. He has been doing a lot of public speaking lately, WOOHOO!

Jessica - 2 reasons Charlies wife passed him a sandwich.
1) Sandwiches cost about a penny to make back then so it was cheaper to keep him on the MTA what with all the fare increases they were going through
2) She really fancied his brother Emilio and found it easier to keep the tryst going if he was out of the way

LOL, CoastRaven!!!

Kansas City wins the award for being farthest away from it's own airport. I swear, sometimes I forget I'm in the same state when driving there.

I guess someone actually already brought up the Kansas City thing. Dang...

Angie - What, you didn't have time/inclination to read all 100 posts??

Albuquerque, Dave, come to Albuquerque!

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