OOSIK QUESTION
I recently learned that my old friend Gene Weingarten, who writes for the Washington Post, and, in his spare time, works as a fashion model, owns a walrus-penis bone, or oosik, which Gene says he bought in Alaska from (this is a direct quote) "an eskimo named Larry."
As you are no doubt aware, I also own an oosik, named Walter, who is a regular contributor to this blog. Walter serves as our weather correspondent and is a big hit with the ladies.
So Gene and I got to talking about our oosiks, and naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger? Gene measured his, and sent an email stating:
My oosik, sir, is 21 and a half inches, end to end. The little ivory caps add another one and a half inches.
So I measured Walter, and was stunned to discover that Walter is also exactly 21 and a half inches long. Walter does not have "little ivory caps," but then Walter, unlike some, is confident enough in his masculinity not to need them.
But anyway, the question arises: Is it mere coincidence that, statistically, 100 percent of all the Walrus-penis bones that I know of are exactly the same length? Or are all male walruses, in fact, equally male? How do the lady walruses feel about this? And what should Gene call his oosik? Incredibly, he hasn't thought to give it a name. I'm thinking he should call it "Shorty." But I welcome your suggestions.
Update: Commenter Bumble notes that, to judge from the specimens on this page, Gene and I have unusually big oosiks.
Gene should call his Fred. Then Walter would have a freind. Maybe a pen pal?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 13, 2006 at 09:45 AM
Ooh, and FIRST!!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 13, 2006 at 09:46 AM
Obviously (so obviously that it has probably appeared somewhere in this blog before), Gene's new friend should be named Barry Manilow ("I am Oosik, and I'm really long.")
Posted by: Betsy | January 13, 2006 at 09:47 AM
Ok, "friend." I can spell. Really. Stop looking at me like that! I won a spelling bee in 9th grade!!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 13, 2006 at 09:47 AM
oosik -> anagram -> I OK SO
Posted by: ltt | January 13, 2006 at 09:47 AM
Peter
Posted by: Reluctant Floridian | January 13, 2006 at 09:50 AM
Richard, of course.
Posted by: Leet's Grandma | January 13, 2006 at 09:50 AM
Wait, what the? I'm Crash.
Not Leet's Grandma.
Posted by: Crash | January 13, 2006 at 09:51 AM
Hmmm, I don't think we can fairly suggest a name until we have a current photo. We wouldn't want to give him a name and then have him grow out of it.
Posted by: TrillianAstra | January 13, 2006 at 09:51 AM
Well ... when I name my cars, I like to drive 'em around for a while first ... you know ... test 'em out ... see what name fits.
Can I borrow oosik for a few days?
Posted by: punky brewster | January 13, 2006 at 09:53 AM
EWWW SICK -- Punky wants to play wit oosik!!
Posted by: CoastRaven | January 13, 2006 at 09:56 AM
I am working on getting a photo from Gene.
Posted by: Dave | January 13, 2006 at 09:56 AM
If I were Gene (and I'm not) and you were making fun of my oosik (and you're not) then I would surely (I know what you're thinking) call my oosik Dave. Or Barry.
Posted by: «LabSpecimen» | January 13, 2006 at 09:57 AM
Dave, I created a graph which shows clearly the expected length of any random oosik.
Posted by: «LabSpecimen» | January 13, 2006 at 10:03 AM
Besides if Walter had some kind of wimpy implanted ivory caps, they'd interfere with his extensive wardrobe of seasonal attire.
Posted by: Betsy | January 13, 2006 at 10:05 AM
Lab -- No, that is the expected path of Hurricane Kappa Kappa Gamma.
Posted by: Dave | January 13, 2006 at 10:05 AM
He should be called Tugar, which is Eskimo for "Ivory" or "Walrus Tusk."
Posted by: Bumble | January 13, 2006 at 10:06 AM
Is it just Dave and Gene, or are there a number of other journalists out there that have oosiks? If so, do you guys have a yearly convention?
Posted by: djtonyb | January 13, 2006 at 10:06 AM
Oooh. Betsy simulposted with Dave. You go girl!
Posted by: Bumble | January 13, 2006 at 10:07 AM
Let's call his oosik Stretch.
Posted by: Jessica R. | January 13, 2006 at 10:07 AM
I'm 36 years old. I have 5 kids. I have a job that entails some responsibility. And yet I guarantee you that I'll be giggling about oosiks for the rest of the day.
"Walrus weenies. Hehehehe!!!"
Conclusion: I may age chronologically, but in my heart I'll be 12 for the rest of my life.
Posted by: Scott | January 13, 2006 at 10:09 AM
Ivory caps on his oosik? What a fancy boy.
I think Chauncey would be a good name. But I have to see it first, to see if it fits its personality.
Posted by: GDogg | January 13, 2006 at 10:11 AM
I say Splash.
Posted by: Blue Meanie | January 13, 2006 at 10:11 AM
Scott,
That is pretty much the motto on this blog. Welcome home!
Posted by: Jessica R. | January 13, 2006 at 10:13 AM
Too much time on my hands...
WALRUS PENIS BONE, OOSIK
=
BROKE SWINE SOUP SALON
(Broke Swine Soup - WBAGNFARB)
Posted by: CoastRaven | January 13, 2006 at 10:13 AM
Scott: You are a guy.
Posted by: «LabSpecimen» | January 13, 2006 at 10:16 AM
Clearly the "cap" is a prosthetic attempt hide his cultural upbringing. He is probably, Jaime, Levi or possibly Ted.
Posted by: Shanda for the goyim | January 13, 2006 at 10:17 AM
How about Rumsfeld?
*ooops, did I say that out loud?*
Posted by: random thunking | January 13, 2006 at 10:19 AM
While we're at it, I think there should be some unit of measure for oosiks other than inches.
May I submit the "Nixon"?
Posted by: pogo | January 13, 2006 at 10:20 AM
Dave~ Scroll down to the Walrus oosik section on this page and read the measurements. Apparently you and Gene have larger-than-average oosiks.
Posted by: Bumble | January 13, 2006 at 10:21 AM
Dave - do you remember that sandy beach from Alaska had her oosik "Pete" write to Walter? Pete should enter the contest as well.
Maybe they could have a threesome, or at least a measuring contest - isn't that what guys like to do??? :-)
Posted by: Eleanor | January 13, 2006 at 10:22 AM
Kissinger?
Posted by: Crash | January 13, 2006 at 10:23 AM
Wonka (as in Willy. Forgive my immaturity).
Posted by: KOW | January 13, 2006 at 10:23 AM
I wonder who's Kissinger now?
Posted by: pogo | January 13, 2006 at 10:24 AM
Obviously not the walrus, pogo.
Posted by: Crash | January 13, 2006 at 10:25 AM
Were these measurements made with a 'real' ruler? Or with one of those bragging ones that conveniently skips the numbers 3, 4 and 6?
Posted by: wolfie | January 13, 2006 at 10:27 AM
Oregonian
Posted by: judi | January 13, 2006 at 10:27 AM
*reads own link more carefully*
You should also check out the "Ode to an Oosik."
*snork* Has that been blogged before? I think maybe it was. Oh, well. It's still funny.
Posted by: Bumble | January 13, 2006 at 10:27 AM
judi~ *snork* And the ivory tips "post-dispatch?"
Posted by: Bumble | January 13, 2006 at 10:29 AM
Dave,
I didn't want to have to tell you this, but then, Gene didn't make good on his promise to make me "bigger than Elvis" (since I don't consider his advice that I begin drinking pork gravy six times a day to be a legitimate payoff).
Gene broke into your patio area while you were on the road and measured Walter. Gene's oosik, even with the fancy ivory caps, and even after several doses of Viagra and a failed application of "Super Longinator Gel", is only, in fact, 17 cm long.
Don't be surprised when he tells you that the picture he provides was taken after "a prolonged swim in icewater."
Posted by: Christobol | January 13, 2006 at 10:31 AM
Mr Percival Nile or Mr P. Nile
Posted by: Bangi | January 13, 2006 at 10:34 AM
I love you people. There is nothing like sitting down with a good cup of coffee and a rousing discussion of walrus genitalia.
Posted by: Kilmeny | January 13, 2006 at 10:34 AM
naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger?
Naturally. Is there a bit of oosik envy between Gene and Dave?
Next time I see Gene (as if there was ever a first time) I'll be sure to ask him if he's been ticklin' the ivories.
Posted by: John | January 13, 2006 at 10:37 AM
I think he should name it Larry, since he got it from Larry.
Slightly off topic, my husband asked me an interesting question this morning. Does the word booger have any synonyms?
Posted by: javajones | January 13, 2006 at 10:41 AM
Snorkage to Judi and Bumble (& props for the update).
Would Dave consider changing Walter's name, and the two of them could be Johnson & Johnson?
Posted by: Blue Meanie | January 13, 2006 at 10:42 AM
Java, you would think there is an easy answer, but it's snot.
Posted by: random thunking | January 13, 2006 at 10:45 AM
Meanie - seems to me "the Johnson" would be a good name for the unit of measure.
Posted by: pogo | January 13, 2006 at 10:46 AM
random, methinks there is a viscosity difference between what's snot and boogers. IMHO
Posted by: javajones | January 13, 2006 at 10:47 AM
Shoot, I'm way behind on THIS topic!
First, my initial thought on this post was that the comments would be expected to deteriorate pretty fast. Too late -- I was right, of course.
Then, I thought, OK, so Dave isn't the only oddball (aka pervert) with a bone from a boner, then I see a comment linking to a site where someone is SELLING them! So there are at least THREE people with a serious (perverted) interest in boner bones.
Next, I see how much they go for on that site, and go get my rifle and start planning a new business to run outta my garage.
THEN, punky pops up and starts talking about borrowing Walter to check for "fit" and I'm off to the cold shower again...
PS, Blue, you're exactly right, Johnson is a much more appropriate name than Walter. I'm SURE others here will jump in with suggestions. Obvious are Dick, Willy, what else....???
Posted by: Mad Soapboxer | January 13, 2006 at 11:03 AM
Lil' Elvis
Posted by: Thankyou thankyouverymuch | January 13, 2006 at 11:13 AM
John, You owe me a new keyboard.
Posted by: nomad | January 13, 2006 at 11:35 AM
well we're big humor writers
we got tendonitis
but were strong when it comes to the bone
we write about boogers
and we write about doots
for all you regular Joes
Well Walter's a reporter
and though rumoured to be shorter
he'll never have to be alone
coz he's got 21 inches
and he scratch where it itches
he's a great big walrus bone
(Walrus boooone)
gonna put him out on my veranda
(booone)
gonna get him a job with Pat and Vanna
(booone)
wanna see my smilin' face?
then come and party with the walrus bone!
Posted by: mudstuffin | January 13, 2006 at 11:39 AM
I'd like to see Walter and his new companion on the next Remainders tour. They could do a guitar stand in during "Bad to the Bone".
Posted by: TrillianAstra | January 13, 2006 at 11:51 AM
Well judi, now Dave has a legitimate reason to bring Walter with him to DC on the book tour -- play date with Gene's oosik.
Posted by: Boo Augustus | January 13, 2006 at 12:03 PM
Pete from Juneau, Alaska is 22 1/2" long. He would not be caught dead wearing ivory caps.
Maybe shrinkage occurs when an oosik moves to the Lower 48?
Posted by: sandy beach | January 13, 2006 at 12:11 PM
Earwig Alert: Listen to the Music
Don’t you see it growin’, day by day?
People, gettin’ ready for the news
Some are happy, most are glad
Oh, we got to let the oosik play!
What this walrus needs
Is a way to make ’em smile
It ain’t so hard right now (Must be your style)
Gotta measure Walter
The yardstick must be true
Oh now bloggers, don’t you ask us why.
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Weingarten time.
Well we know, you both write better
Than anything we say
Meet us in the chatroom for a hour
We’ll be happy
Take that chance?
Oh, we’re gonna laugh our blues away
If Walter's looking good to you
(And he's looking good to me!)
There ain’t nothin’ we can do or say
Feelin’ good, feeling fine
Oh, baby, let the oosik play!
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Waste of time
Like a slowly aging fossil
Ivory kneecaps on both ends.
And the oosik's growing bigger
List’nin’ for the thunder sounds
And still we don't know why
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
It's just huge.
Posted by: PirateBoy | January 13, 2006 at 12:25 PM
I'm so glad you boys are having fun. :)
Posted by: Tamara Rhymes With Camera | January 13, 2006 at 12:36 PM
Richard, Dick, Willie and Johnson are all way to obvious - also, since it appears to me that our goal is to defend Walter's masculinity (and thereby defend Dave's), I propose that Gene's Oosik be named "Paul," the derivation of which is as follows:
From the Roman family
name Paulus, which meant "small" or "humble" in Latin
"Walter," on the other hand, translates as:
From a Germanic name meaning "ruler of the army", composed of the elements wald "rule" and heri "army"
So, Gene's Oosik "Paul" is "small" and "humble," whereas Dave's oosik is the walrus equivelent of Stormin' Norman Schwartzkopf (my favorit ruler of the army).
Posted by: TCK | January 13, 2006 at 12:44 PM
oh yeah, I forgot to add that, IMO, the whole ivory cap thing is kinda gay (NTTAWWT)
Posted by: TCK | January 13, 2006 at 12:46 PM
The Walrus is Paul.....
I like it (not surprisingly).
Posted by: Blue Meanie | January 13, 2006 at 12:52 PM
Is that true, Blue?
coo-coo-ca-choo
Posted by: Eleanor | January 13, 2006 at 01:01 PM
Mud, I am VERY impressed with your rendition of my song!
Posted by: Dr. Hook | January 13, 2006 at 01:07 PM
When fishing for oosiks, Alaskan Eskimo law dictates that (1) you have a license, (2) you have an oosik endorsement on your license, (3) you don't "chum", and (4) if you catch an oosik less than 19", you throw it back.
Posted by: Brad | January 13, 2006 at 01:10 PM
OR, we could just call it "Les"
Posted by: TCK | January 13, 2006 at 01:10 PM
Actually, El, the Walrus is BANG......
....Rose...bud....
Posted by: Blue Meanie | January 13, 2006 at 01:11 PM
cue music.....
....if you knew Oosik...Like I knew Oosik....oh...oh.....*I need a drink*....**cue, the cirrhosed liver of Dudley Moore...**
Posted by: Cody Pendent | January 13, 2006 at 01:15 PM
Because of the ivory ticklin', it has to be "Barely Man-enough."
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 13, 2006 at 01:23 PM
I like the idea of Willy and Seymore Johnson. I would make a table lamp out of mine (assuming I had a spare). This would be great at parties when people would ask about it and then wish that they hadn't asked about it.
Posted by: Richard Rea | January 13, 2006 at 01:26 PM
I think you should go with "The Late Helen Shapiro."
(This, even though she is not actually deceased.)
Or Rudy Friml (name THAT source (without using google)!)
Posted by: Brainy Jello | January 13, 2006 at 01:30 PM
And if you didn't like any of those, consider:
Walter = Sir Walter Raleigh (writer, poet, spy, and explorer)
which would make it consistent to use:
Edgar = Edgar Allen Poe (poet, short story writer, editor and critic)
even though:
Henry = Henry David Thoreau (author, naturalist, transcendentalist, pacifist, tax resister)
is probably a better description of Gene's oosik's behavior, it is clearly not the right name.
Posted by: Brainy Jello | January 13, 2006 at 01:54 PM
Dave, will you please bring Walter to the DC book signing? In fact, maybe Gene could meet us there with his oosik, and you all could get into the great OOSIK DUEL!
I'll sell tickets, it'll be an occasion to remember.
Posted by: Geocacher Susan, DC Blogger Extraordinaire | January 13, 2006 at 01:58 PM
Great songs, Mud and PirateBoy!
How about Les Paul?
Posted by: southerngirl | January 13, 2006 at 01:59 PM
Hey, did anyone catch the bit at the bottom of that page about the 2 1/2" racoon oosik?
"Ladies in the Deep South always carry one in their purse, and they're found in many restaurants in the South. They're called pecker picks (they make great toothpicks!). BELIEVE IT OR NOT, it is true, folks."
LOL!
Posted by: amy | January 13, 2006 at 02:00 PM
southerngirl, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be caught DEAD picking my teeth with an oosik, but then maybe I'm not from deep enough in the south - how'r things done down in LA??
Posted by: sthnbelle | January 13, 2006 at 02:17 PM
s'belle - in LA, there's a service that comes around and cleans your teeth for you....oh, wait, you were asking about Louisiana, sorry!
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 13, 2006 at 02:23 PM
Amy, I did notice that bit about the pecker pick, but I guess I've lived here in the South (Texas) long enough (almost 30 years now) it didn't seem unusual to me. Actually, my first thought was wondering what restaurant around here might have 'em so I could get one for myself and not have to order it...
Posted by: Mad Soapboxer | January 13, 2006 at 02:31 PM
Now, now Annie, I lived out your way for a bit too, don't go telling any tall tales! I know very well the most those drive up services will do is hose you down!
Posted by: sthnbelle | January 13, 2006 at 02:43 PM
sthnbelle ~ I am pretty darn deep south, and NO I do not carry an oosik of any sort in my purse, and I'd never use one as a toothpick. I have never, ever, heard of a restaurant having these, either.
Posted by: southerngirl | January 13, 2006 at 02:44 PM
VERY glad to hear that, sg, and may I just add, EWWWW to the whole concept of using one as a toothpick!
Posted by: sthnbelle | January 13, 2006 at 02:50 PM
May I through "Federline" into the naming ring?
Posted by: Angie | January 13, 2006 at 03:17 PM
Or, perhaps K-Fed?
Posted by: Angie | January 13, 2006 at 03:18 PM
Well I've seen a woman use them for several things, but cleaning her teeth was not one of them.
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 13, 2006 at 03:24 PM
I'm hoping that Dave brings Walter to the West Coast book faire in April, so I can hold up a sign which reads:
Play that funky oosik, write boy!
Posted by: PirateBoy | January 13, 2006 at 04:21 PM
<> in PirateBoy's general direction
Bad pun, BAD!!
Posted by: sthnbelle | January 13, 2006 at 04:32 PM
oops - that was supposed to have a groan in between those <> - what happenned??
Posted by: sthnbelle | January 13, 2006 at 04:33 PM
You want to use * for nonspoken actions around here.
*shrugs*
The blow deletes any unrecognized html tags: < anything >
Posted by: Brainy Jello | January 13, 2006 at 04:37 PM
Ha ha! Make that the blog.
*smacks forehead*
Posted by: Brainy Jello | January 13, 2006 at 04:38 PM
Sadly, I had a racoon oosik in my hand, at a diner in east Texas, before I asked what it was.
I was told that women use them as toothpicks, by a grinning smartass, who was thrilled by my new green hue.
But revenge is sweet. I asked if he had ever used one as a toothpick. His turn to turn green.
Posted by: Sondra | January 13, 2006 at 06:12 PM
Ladies, aren't you glad you aren't female pine martens?
Or guys, male pine martens, for that matter.
Posted by: Poop Dogg | January 13, 2006 at 07:30 PM
What does a "flawed" oosik look like?
Posted by: Lori | January 13, 2006 at 11:31 PM
Lori, a flawed oosik is short, shriveled and bent to the left.
Posted by: Stupendous Man | January 13, 2006 at 11:50 PM
Okay, a couple of thoughts......
1) Little Larry or Larry Jr. in honor of Gene's oosik salesman.
b) I am 46 years old and have made it this far in life without ever aquiring an oosik. Wondering how (or if I should) remedy this.
tres) A question that has been bothering me since Dave first told us about oosiks... Walrus (and now, it turns out, raccoon) penises got bones?!?!!?
Posted by: AlanBoss | January 14, 2006 at 12:30 AM
Dave's going to take his oosik to DC with him? How, exactly, would one get it through airport security? I mean, last time I flew, they confiscated the little 1" screwdriver from my glasses repair kit... *snork*
I'd pay cash money for the look on the security guy's face when Dave explained what it was. I mean, how does one "delicately" explain that they're taking a 21" walrus... appendage... to DC and keep a straight face?
Tracy
Posted by: Tracy | January 14, 2006 at 02:34 AM
Gene Weingarten looks exactly like a guy who would be named "Gene Weingarten". I, however, look like a guy who would be named "Brad Pitt" or "Keanu Reeves".
Posted by: Joseph Simmons | January 14, 2006 at 03:18 AM
Joseph Simmons - Oh yeah???
We need a picture. NOW.
Posted by: Eleanor | January 14, 2006 at 09:41 AM
Tracy...Actually, quite a few 'appendages' travel to DC, and remain there until they lose an election.
(That's 'election', with an 'L')
Posted by: Betsy | January 14, 2006 at 09:45 AM
Betsy, *snork*
Posted by: AlanBoss | January 15, 2006 at 12:52 AM
I'm not saying that Dave *is* bringing Walter to DC, I'm just saying that the friends I have gathered to attend his book signing, they and I would personally love to see Walter present as well.
And if Gene Weingarten happened to show up with his Oosik, and they happened to duel like pirates in the front of the store, well, I personally would not do a thing to stop the display of manly clashing that would ensue. Nor would my friends. :-)
Posted by: Geocacher Susan, DC Blogger Extraordinaire | January 15, 2006 at 04:20 PM
And if it doesn't happen, I'll have to concentrate on getting a follow up to last year's much vetted "Booger Picture."
Posted by: Geocacher Susan, DC Blogger Extraordinaire | January 15, 2006 at 04:24 PM