« Previous | Main | Next »

January 13, 2006


I recently learned that my old friend Gene Weingarten, who writes for the Washington Post, and, in his spare time, works as a fashion model, owns a walrus-penis bone, or oosik, which Gene says he bought in Alaska from (this is a direct quote) "an eskimo named Larry."

As you are no doubt aware, I also own an oosik, named Walter, who is a regular contributor to this blog. Walter serves as our weather correspondent and is a big hit with the ladies.

So Gene and I got to talking about our oosiks, and naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger? Gene measured his, and sent an email stating:

My oosik, sir, is 21 and a half inches, end to end. The little ivory caps add another one and a half inches.

So I measured Walter, and was stunned to discover that Walter is also exactly 21 and a half inches long. Walter does not have "little ivory caps," but then Walter, unlike some, is confident enough in his masculinity not to need them.

But anyway, the question arises: Is it mere coincidence that, statistically, 100 percent of all the Walrus-penis bones that I know of are exactly the same length? Or are all male walruses, in fact, equally male? How do the lady walruses feel about this? And what should Gene call his oosik? Incredibly, he hasn't thought to give it a name. I'm thinking he should call it "Shorty." But I welcome your suggestions.

Update: Commenter Bumble notes that, to judge from the specimens on this page, Gene and I have unusually big oosiks.


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Gene should call his Fred. Then Walter would have a freind. Maybe a pen pal?

Ooh, and FIRST!!

Obviously (so obviously that it has probably appeared somewhere in this blog before), Gene's new friend should be named Barry Manilow ("I am Oosik, and I'm really long.")

Ok, "friend." I can spell. Really. Stop looking at me like that! I won a spelling bee in 9th grade!!

oosik -> anagram -> I OK SO


Richard, of course.

Wait, what the? I'm Crash.
Not Leet's Grandma.

Hmmm, I don't think we can fairly suggest a name until we have a current photo. We wouldn't want to give him a name and then have him grow out of it.

Well ... when I name my cars, I like to drive 'em around for a while first ... you know ... test 'em out ... see what name fits.

Can I borrow oosik for a few days?

EWWW SICK -- Punky wants to play wit oosik!!

I am working on getting a photo from Gene.

If I were Gene (and I'm not) and you were making fun of my oosik (and you're not) then I would surely (I know what you're thinking) call my oosik Dave. Or Barry.

Dave, I created a graph which shows clearly the expected length of any random oosik.

Besides if Walter had some kind of wimpy implanted ivory caps, they'd interfere with his extensive wardrobe of seasonal attire.

Lab -- No, that is the expected path of Hurricane Kappa Kappa Gamma.

He should be called Tugar, which is Eskimo for "Ivory" or "Walrus Tusk."

Is it just Dave and Gene, or are there a number of other journalists out there that have oosiks? If so, do you guys have a yearly convention?

Oooh. Betsy simulposted with Dave. You go girl!

Let's call his oosik Stretch.

I'm 36 years old. I have 5 kids. I have a job that entails some responsibility. And yet I guarantee you that I'll be giggling about oosiks for the rest of the day.

"Walrus weenies. Hehehehe!!!"

Conclusion: I may age chronologically, but in my heart I'll be 12 for the rest of my life.

Ivory caps on his oosik? What a fancy boy.

I think Chauncey would be a good name. But I have to see it first, to see if it fits its personality.

I say Splash.

That is pretty much the motto on this blog. Welcome home!

Too much time on my hands...
(Broke Swine Soup - WBAGNFARB)

Scott: You are a guy.

Clearly the "cap" is a prosthetic attempt hide his cultural upbringing. He is probably, Jaime, Levi or possibly Ted.

How about Rumsfeld?

*ooops, did I say that out loud?*

While we're at it, I think there should be some unit of measure for oosiks other than inches.

May I submit the "Nixon"?

Dave~ Scroll down to the Walrus oosik section on this page and read the measurements. Apparently you and Gene have larger-than-average oosiks.

Dave - do you remember that sandy beach from Alaska had her oosik "Pete" write to Walter? Pete should enter the contest as well.

Maybe they could have a threesome, or at least a measuring contest - isn't that what guys like to do??? :-)


Wonka (as in Willy. Forgive my immaturity).

I wonder who's Kissinger now?

Obviously not the walrus, pogo.

Were these measurements made with a 'real' ruler? Or with one of those bragging ones that conveniently skips the numbers 3, 4 and 6?


*reads own link more carefully*

You should also check out the "Ode to an Oosik."

*snork* Has that been blogged before? I think maybe it was. Oh, well. It's still funny.

judi~ *snork* And the ivory tips "post-dispatch?"


I didn't want to have to tell you this, but then, Gene didn't make good on his promise to make me "bigger than Elvis" (since I don't consider his advice that I begin drinking pork gravy six times a day to be a legitimate payoff).

Gene broke into your patio area while you were on the road and measured Walter. Gene's oosik, even with the fancy ivory caps, and even after several doses of Viagra and a failed application of "Super Longinator Gel", is only, in fact, 17 cm long.

Don't be surprised when he tells you that the picture he provides was taken after "a prolonged swim in icewater."

Mr Percival Nile or Mr P. Nile

I love you people. There is nothing like sitting down with a good cup of coffee and a rousing discussion of walrus genitalia.

naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger?

Naturally. Is there a bit of oosik envy between Gene and Dave?

Next time I see Gene (as if there was ever a first time) I'll be sure to ask him if he's been ticklin' the ivories.

I think he should name it Larry, since he got it from Larry.

Slightly off topic, my husband asked me an interesting question this morning. Does the word booger have any synonyms?

Snorkage to Judi and Bumble (& props for the update).

Would Dave consider changing Walter's name, and the two of them could be Johnson & Johnson?

Java, you would think there is an easy answer, but it's snot.

Meanie - seems to me "the Johnson" would be a good name for the unit of measure.

random, methinks there is a viscosity difference between what's snot and boogers. IMHO

Shoot, I'm way behind on THIS topic!

First, my initial thought on this post was that the comments would be expected to deteriorate pretty fast. Too late -- I was right, of course.

Then, I thought, OK, so Dave isn't the only oddball (aka pervert) with a bone from a boner, then I see a comment linking to a site where someone is SELLING them! So there are at least THREE people with a serious (perverted) interest in boner bones.

Next, I see how much they go for on that site, and go get my rifle and start planning a new business to run outta my garage.

THEN, punky pops up and starts talking about borrowing Walter to check for "fit" and I'm off to the cold shower again...

PS, Blue, you're exactly right, Johnson is a much more appropriate name than Walter. I'm SURE others here will jump in with suggestions. Obvious are Dick, Willy, what else....???

Lil' Elvis

John, You owe me a new keyboard.

well we're big humor writers
we got tendonitis
but were strong when it comes to the bone

we write about boogers
and we write about doots
for all you regular Joes

Well Walter's a reporter
and though rumoured to be shorter
he'll never have to be alone

coz he's got 21 inches
and he scratch where it itches
he's a great big walrus bone

(Walrus boooone)
gonna put him out on my veranda
gonna get him a job with Pat and Vanna
wanna see my smilin' face?
then come and party with the walrus bone!

I'd like to see Walter and his new companion on the next Remainders tour. They could do a guitar stand in during "Bad to the Bone".

Well judi, now Dave has a legitimate reason to bring Walter with him to DC on the book tour -- play date with Gene's oosik.

Pete from Juneau, Alaska is 22 1/2" long. He would not be caught dead wearing ivory caps.

Maybe shrinkage occurs when an oosik moves to the Lower 48?

Earwig Alert: Listen to the Music

Don’t you see it growin’, day by day?
People, gettin’ ready for the news
Some are happy, most are glad
Oh, we got to let the oosik play!

What this walrus needs
Is a way to make ’em smile
It ain’t so hard right now (Must be your style)

Gotta measure Walter
The yardstick must be true
Oh now bloggers, don’t you ask us why.

Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Weingarten time.

Well we know, you both write better
Than anything we say
Meet us in the chatroom for a hour
We’ll be happy
Take that chance?

Oh, we’re gonna laugh our blues away

If Walter's looking good to you
(And he's looking good to me!)
There ain’t nothin’ we can do or say
Feelin’ good, feeling fine

Oh, baby, let the oosik play!

Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Waste of time

Like a slowly aging fossil
Ivory kneecaps on both ends.
And the oosik's growing bigger
List’nin’ for the thunder sounds
And still we don't know why

Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
Oh, oh, measuring the oosik
It's just huge.

I'm so glad you boys are having fun. :)

Richard, Dick, Willie and Johnson are all way to obvious - also, since it appears to me that our goal is to defend Walter's masculinity (and thereby defend Dave's), I propose that Gene's Oosik be named "Paul," the derivation of which is as follows:

From the Roman family
name Paulus, which meant "small" or "humble" in Latin

"Walter," on the other hand, translates as:

From a Germanic name meaning "ruler of the army", composed of the elements wald "rule" and heri "army"

So, Gene's Oosik "Paul" is "small" and "humble," whereas Dave's oosik is the walrus equivelent of Stormin' Norman Schwartzkopf (my favorit ruler of the army).

oh yeah, I forgot to add that, IMO, the whole ivory cap thing is kinda gay (NTTAWWT)

The Walrus is Paul.....

I like it (not surprisingly).

Is that true, Blue?

Mud, I am VERY impressed with your rendition of my song!

When fishing for oosiks, Alaskan Eskimo law dictates that (1) you have a license, (2) you have an oosik endorsement on your license, (3) you don't "chum", and (4) if you catch an oosik less than 19", you throw it back.

OR, we could just call it "Les"

Actually, El, the Walrus is BANG......


cue music.....

....if you knew Oosik...Like I knew Oosik....oh...oh.....*I need a drink*....**cue, the cirrhosed liver of Dudley Moore...**

Because of the ivory ticklin', it has to be "Barely Man-enough."

I like the idea of Willy and Seymore Johnson. I would make a table lamp out of mine (assuming I had a spare). This would be great at parties when people would ask about it and then wish that they hadn't asked about it.

I think you should go with "The Late Helen Shapiro."
(This, even though she is not actually deceased.)

Or Rudy Friml (name THAT source (without using google)!)

And if you didn't like any of those, consider:
Walter = Sir Walter Raleigh (writer, poet, spy, and explorer)

which would make it consistent to use:
Edgar = Edgar Allen Poe (poet, short story writer, editor and critic)

even though:
Henry = Henry David Thoreau (author, naturalist, transcendentalist, pacifist, tax resister)

is probably a better description of Gene's oosik's behavior, it is clearly not the right name.

Dave, will you please bring Walter to the DC book signing? In fact, maybe Gene could meet us there with his oosik, and you all could get into the great OOSIK DUEL!

I'll sell tickets, it'll be an occasion to remember.

Great songs, Mud and PirateBoy!

How about Les Paul?

Hey, did anyone catch the bit at the bottom of that page about the 2 1/2" racoon oosik?

"Ladies in the Deep South always carry one in their purse, and they're found in many restaurants in the South. They're called pecker picks (they make great toothpicks!). BELIEVE IT OR NOT, it is true, folks."


southerngirl, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be caught DEAD picking my teeth with an oosik, but then maybe I'm not from deep enough in the south - how'r things done down in LA??

s'belle - in LA, there's a service that comes around and cleans your teeth for you....oh, wait, you were asking about Louisiana, sorry!

Amy, I did notice that bit about the pecker pick, but I guess I've lived here in the South (Texas) long enough (almost 30 years now) it didn't seem unusual to me. Actually, my first thought was wondering what restaurant around here might have 'em so I could get one for myself and not have to order it...

Now, now Annie, I lived out your way for a bit too, don't go telling any tall tales! I know very well the most those drive up services will do is hose you down!

sthnbelle ~ I am pretty darn deep south, and NO I do not carry an oosik of any sort in my purse, and I'd never use one as a toothpick. I have never, ever, heard of a restaurant having these, either.

VERY glad to hear that, sg, and may I just add, EWWWW to the whole concept of using one as a toothpick!

May I through "Federline" into the naming ring?

Or, perhaps K-Fed?

Well I've seen a woman use them for several things, but cleaning her teeth was not one of them.

I'm hoping that Dave brings Walter to the West Coast book faire in April, so I can hold up a sign which reads:

Play that funky oosik, write boy!

<> in PirateBoy's general direction

Bad pun, BAD!!

oops - that was supposed to have a groan in between those <> - what happenned??

You want to use * for nonspoken actions around here.


The blow deletes any unrecognized html tags: < anything >

Ha ha! Make that the blog.

*smacks forehead*

Sadly, I had a racoon oosik in my hand, at a diner in east Texas, before I asked what it was.

I was told that women use them as toothpicks, by a grinning smartass, who was thrilled by my new green hue.

But revenge is sweet. I asked if he had ever used one as a toothpick. His turn to turn green.

Ladies, aren't you glad you aren't female pine martens?
Or guys, male pine martens, for that matter.

What does a "flawed" oosik look like?

Lori, a flawed oosik is short, shriveled and bent to the left.

Okay, a couple of thoughts......

1) Little Larry or Larry Jr. in honor of Gene's oosik salesman.

b) I am 46 years old and have made it this far in life without ever aquiring an oosik. Wondering how (or if I should) remedy this.

tres) A question that has been bothering me since Dave first told us about oosiks... Walrus (and now, it turns out, raccoon) penises got bones?!?!!?

Dave's going to take his oosik to DC with him? How, exactly, would one get it through airport security? I mean, last time I flew, they confiscated the little 1" screwdriver from my glasses repair kit... *snork*

I'd pay cash money for the look on the security guy's face when Dave explained what it was. I mean, how does one "delicately" explain that they're taking a 21" walrus... appendage... to DC and keep a straight face?


Gene Weingarten looks exactly like a guy who would be named "Gene Weingarten". I, however, look like a guy who would be named "Brad Pitt" or "Keanu Reeves".

Joseph Simmons - Oh yeah???

We need a picture. NOW.

Tracy...Actually, quite a few 'appendages' travel to DC, and remain there until they lose an election.
(That's 'election', with an 'L')

Betsy, *snork*

I'm not saying that Dave *is* bringing Walter to DC, I'm just saying that the friends I have gathered to attend his book signing, they and I would personally love to see Walter present as well.

And if Gene Weingarten happened to show up with his Oosik, and they happened to duel like pirates in the front of the store, well, I personally would not do a thing to stop the display of manly clashing that would ensue. Nor would my friends. :-)

And if it doesn't happen, I'll have to concentrate on getting a follow up to last year's much vetted "Booger Picture."

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.


Post a comment

Your Information

(Name and email address are required. Email address will not be displayed with the comment.)

Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise