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January 06, 2006

IF YOU'RE IN THE MARKET FOR AN ELK CARCASS -- AND WHO IS NOT?

This one has excellent reviews.

(Thanks to Ken Molay)

Comments

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Please note the following, friends:

"What similar items do customers ultimately buy after viewing this item?

*55% buy You Are Going to Prison by Jim Hogshire
*25% buy Colossal Ten Pound Live New England Lobster
*17% buy Anal Douche California Exotic Novelties
*2% buy Sixteen pair of Frog Legs
*1% buy Oscar Mayer Beef Bologna, 8 oz"

What the hell are THOSE people doing with this stuff?

"This item is currently not available."

Which sucks, because now you've got me craving elk.

Dear God in Heaven! Read the reviews! ROFL Hell...they're (not their or they're) almost snork-worthy...even from me.

I wondered what happened to those old guys that go to the Elk's Clubs on Friday night for fish frys..NOW I know...ITS PEOPLE ! ELK IS PEOPLE !!

evidently it's 'great for weddings', like the Siegfried-Brunhilde nuptials...

*snicker*

I found 4 of the 5 reviews helpful. Heh heh.

Excellent reviews indeed. The word picture painted by Tommy Aquinas was so intricate that my mouth began to water. Then I realized he was talking about rodent entrails and I had to grab the nearest object capable of containing liquids and toss my cookies.

Still, it was a good read.

I clicked on "Read all my reviews" and read Tommy's other review it starts off a little slow, but the punchline is worth the effort.

to:
Sarcasmo
mike
bumble
insomniac
sean
az
golfwidow

get a life...go outside...im watching you!!!

Is Tommy someone from the blog?

I knew I shouldn't have fed the troll.

oh well, lesson learned

let me know when he's written a review of the anal douche!

ceeg22 - used or new?....sorry, very sorry....
*creeps outside to go buy a life*

Then what finger am I holding up ?

Those oranges were a nice touch. They make the raw elk carcass look extra scrumptious.

Indeed...the other review by Tommy was well worth the read. lol

I am going to add this to my wish list!

GDogg - those were oranges? I thought the elk had a thyroid condition.

annie, I'm sure his review of a used anal douche would be especially entertaining.

I feel terrible. I have no life. What could be more pathetic and loserish than that?

Watching someone who has no life, maybe?

golfwidow

ZING!

golfwidow, watching....and COMMENTING!

to:
anyone at all

well, im assuming that you have to qualms with this then...
Røten nik Akten Di

Wik

Alsø wik

Alsø alsø wik

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?

See the løveli lakes

The wøndërful telephøne system

And mäny interesting furry animals

Including the majestik møøse

A møøse once bit my sister...

No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end
of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo
dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo
Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...

We apologise for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have been
sacked.

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologise again for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking
the people who have just been sacked,
have been sacked.

[Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA]

[Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT]
[Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL]

[Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III]
[Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME]
[Møøse trained to mix concrete and
sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG]

[Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER]
[Large møøse on the left hand side
of the screen in the third scene from the
end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,
French and 'O' Level Geography by BO BENN]
[Suggestive poses for the møøse
suggested by VIC ROTTER]
[Antler-care by LIV THATCHER]

The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.

The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at great
expense and at the last minute

[Crazy credits]

Executive Producer
JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama

Producer
MARK FORSTATER

Assisted By
EARL J. LLAMA
MILT Q. LLAMA III
SY LLAMA
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY

and

TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

England
932 A.D.

Top

================================================================
================================================================

Scene 1

[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your
lord and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

Top

================================================================
================================================================

Scene 2

MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one
MORTICIAN: Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost
nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Top

================================================================
================================================================

Scene 3

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how
d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the
Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear
that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing
me, you saw it didn't you?


MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL


FULL SCRIPT!!!

If you can find any errors or have questions, please email them to me. This is not a perfect script, it is a work in progress with contributions from fans all over the globe.
12.11.05 - I had about 20 emails waiting, since roughly May. I took care of them. Several were in regards to the French bits in this movie. That is settled now. Also, many other things were fixed/edited, including the crazy credits, and the bonus scene from the DVD.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

Cast Credits and Møøse Subtitles
Scene 1: Swallows
Scene 2: Bring Out Your Dead!
Scene 3: Constitutional Peasant
Scene 4: The Black Knight
Scene 5: Witch Trials
Scene 6: Camelot Dance
Scene 7: God Scene
Scene 8: French Knight
Scene 9: Senseless Murder on Horseback
Scene 10: Tale of Sir Robin: 3 Headed Knight
Scene 11: Tale of Sir Galahad: Castle Anthrax
Scene 24 (12): Crazy Bridge Keeper In Mysterious Hut
Scene 13: The Knights Who Say Ni
Scene 14: Tale of Sir Lancelot: Feminine Prince (Herbert)
Scene 15: Note on an Arrow (Impaled in Concorde)
Scene 16: Lancelot's Rescue of Herbert
Scene 17: Lancelot's Massacre
Scene 18: Roger the Shrubber
Scene 19: The Knights Who Say Ni: Part 2
Scene 20: Tim The Enchanter
Scene 21: Killer Rabbit
Scene 22: In The Cave of Caerbannog
Scene 23: Bridge Of Death
Scene 24: French Taunter: Part 2

===================================================
===================================================

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
PATSY : Terry Gilliam
GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
GUARD #2 : Graham Chapman
MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
CUSTOMER : John Cleese
DEAD PERSON : Terry Gilliam
DENNIS : Michael Palin
WOMAN : Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese
VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
SIR BEDEVERE : Terry Jones
WITCH : Connie Booth
VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
NARRATOR: Michael Palin
SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
SIR BORS : Terry Gilliam
GOD : Graham Chapman
FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
MINSTREL : Neil Innes
LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER : Terry Gilliam
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI : Michael Palin
FATHER : Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones
GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
GUARD #2 : Graham Chapman
CONCORDE : Eric Idle
OLD CRONE : Bee Duffell
ANIMATOR : Terry Gilliam
ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle
TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese
BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin

Credits and Subtitles:

Røten nik Akten Di

Wik

Alsø wik

Alsø alsø wik

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?

See the løveli lakes

The wøndërful telephøne system

And mäny interesting furry animals

Including the majestik møøse

A møøse once bit my sister...

No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end
of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo
dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo
Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...

We apologise for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have been
sacked.

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologise again for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking
the people who have just been sacked,
have been sacked.

[Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA]

[Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT]
[Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL]

[Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III]
[Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME]
[Møøse trained to mix concrete and
sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG]

[Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER]
[Large møøse on the left hand side
of the screen in the third scene from the
end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,
French and 'O' Level Geography by BO BENN]
[Suggestive poses for the møøse
suggested by VIC ROTTER]
[Antler-care by LIV THATCHER]

The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.

The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at great
expense and at the last minute

[Crazy credits]

Executive Producer
JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama

Producer
MARK FORSTATER

Assisted By
EARL J. LLAMA
MILT Q. LLAMA III
SY LLAMA
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY

and

TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

England
932 A.D.

Top

================================================================
================================================================

Scene 1

[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your
lord and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

Top

================================================================
================================================================

Scene 2

MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one
MORTICIAN: Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost
nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Top

================================================================
================================================================

Scene 3

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how
d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the
Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear
that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing
me, you saw it didn't you?

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================================================================

Scene 4

[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-crap-knight]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!

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================================================================

Scene 5

MONKS: Pies lesu domine, donna eis requiem. [whack] Pies lesu domine,
[whack] donna eis requiem. [whack] Pies lesu domine,
[whack] donna eis requiem. [whack] Pies lesu domine...
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: We didn't, we didn't.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! A witch! A witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they? Tell us, tell us. Do they hurt?
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she, is made, of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of
wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch! A duck! A duck!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King
Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the
Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of
Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon
Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together
they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL


FULL SCRIPT!!!

If you can find any errors or have questions, please email them to me. This is not a perfect script, it is a work in progress with contributions from fans all over the globe.
12.11.05 - I had about 20 emails waiting, since roughly May. I took care of them. Several were in regards to the French bits in this movie. That is settled now. Also, many other things were fixed/edited, including the crazy credits, and the bonus scene from the DVD.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

Cast Credits and Møøse Subtitles
Scene 1: Swallows
Scene 2: Bring Out Your Dead!
Scene 3: Constitutional Peasant
Scene 4: The Black Knight
Scene 5: Witch Trials
Scene 6: Camelot Dance
Scene 7: God Scene
Scene 8: French Knight
Scene 9: Senseless Murder on Horseback
Scene 10: Tale of Sir Robin: 3 Headed Knight
Scene 11: Tale of Sir Galahad: Castle Anthrax
Scene 24 (12): Crazy Bridge Keeper In Mysterious Hut
Scene 13: The Knights Who Say Ni
Scene 14: Tale of Sir Lancelot: Feminine Prince (Herbert)
Scene 15: Note on an Arrow (Impaled in Concorde)
Scene 16: Lancelot's Rescue of Herbert
Scene 17: Lancelot's Massacre
Scene 18: Roger the Shrubber
Scene 19: The Knights Who Say Ni: Part 2
Scene 20: Tim The Enchanter
Scene 21: Killer Rabbit
Scene 22: In The Cave of Caerbannog
Scene 23: Bridge Of Death
Scene 24: French Taunter: Part 2

===================================================
===================================================

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
PATSY : Terry Gilliam
GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
GUARD #2 : Graham Chapman
MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
CUSTOMER : John Cleese
DEAD PERSON : Terry Gilliam
DENNIS : Michael Palin
WOMAN : Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese
VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
SIR BEDEVERE : Terry Jones
WITCH : Connie Booth
VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
NARRATOR: Michael Palin
SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
SIR BORS : Terry Gilliam
GOD : Graham Chapman
FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
MINSTREL : Neil Innes
LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER : Terry Gilliam
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI : Michael Palin
FATHER : Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones
GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
GUARD #2 : Graham Chapman
CONCORDE : Eric Idle
OLD CRONE : Bee Duffell
ANIMATOR : Terry Gilliam
ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle
TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese
BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin

Credits and Subtitles:

Røten nik Akten Di

Wik

Alsø wik

Alsø alsø wik

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?

See the løveli lakes

The wøndërful telephøne system

And mäny interesting furry animals

Including the majestik møøse

A møøse once bit my sister...

No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end
of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo
dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo
Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...

We apologise for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have been
sacked.

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologise again for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking
the people who have just been sacked,
have been sacked.

[Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA]

[Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT]
[Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL]

[Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III]
[Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME]
[Møøse trained to mix concrete and
sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG]

[Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER]
[Large møøse on the left hand side
of the screen in the third scene from the
end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,
French and 'O' Level Geography by BO BENN]
[Suggestive poses for the møøse
suggested by VIC ROTTER]
[Antler-care by LIV THATCHER]

The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.

The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at great
expense and at the last minute

[Crazy credits]

Executive Producer
JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama

Producer
MARK FORSTATER

Assisted By
EARL J. LLAMA
MILT Q. LLAMA III
SY LLAMA
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY

and

TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

England
932 A.D.

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================================================================
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Scene 1

[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your
lord and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

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Scene 2

MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one
MORTICIAN: Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost
nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.

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Scene 3

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how
d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the
Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear
that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing
me, you saw it didn't you?

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================================================================
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Scene 4

[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-crap-knight]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!

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================================================================

Scene 5

MONKS: Pies lesu domine, donna eis requiem. [whack] Pies lesu domine,
[whack] donna eis requiem. [whack] Pies lesu domine,
[whack] donna eis requiem. [whack] Pies lesu domine...
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: We didn't, we didn't.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! A witch! A witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they? Tell us, tell us. Do they hurt?
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she, is made, of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of
wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch! A duck! A duck!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King
Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the
Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of
Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon
Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together
they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.

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================================================================
================================================================

Scene 6

BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be
banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again
how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LANCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let
us ride... to Camelot.
[singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impecc-able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
[tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR: Well, on second thoughts, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
a silly place.

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================================================================
================================================================

Scene 7

GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry--
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone
it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What
are you doing now!?
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
depressing. Now knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the
Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark
times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!

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================================================================
================================================================

Scene 8

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Who's castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for
the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very
keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent,
you silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your
castle by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur-King, you and your silly English K...niggets.
Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed
animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You
mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than
reasonable.
GUARD: Fetchez la vache!
GUARD: Quoi?
GUARD: Fetchez la vache!
[moo!]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
[ after running away...]
LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.
BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop]
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS: c’est un lapin, un lapin de bois…wha?...c’est un cadeau…what? A present…oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui, hurry, let’s go.
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until
nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by
surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the
rabbit, uh and uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEVERE: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden
badger--
[twong]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.

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================================================================
================================================================

Scene 9

DIRECTOR: History for Schools, take eight. Action!
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened

seriously funny movie

Wait for it...
Here it comes...
My very first...

*SNARK*

RATS! *SNORK* dang it I meant *SNORK*

*promises to do better next time*

OK I love Monty Python and the Holy Grail as well as the next guy and can even quote large sections of the movie, but do we need to have the same moose joke and script over and over again?

OK I love Monty Python and the Holy Grail as well as the next guy and can even quote large sections of the movie, but do we need to have the same moose joke and script over and over again?

copy paste error

Reminds me of the classic "Dogs in Elk" story. Google it... it's awesome! :-)

I'm just glad they didn't review the steaming moose carcass.

how is someone able to post without a name showing????

Is this a conspiracy?

Like this?

Personally, while I did enjoy reading the reviews, I'd p'haps have enjoyed them even more if the writers had not misspelled so many words ... just sayin' ... it sorta tooken away from the smooth flow of the parodic/satirical style ...

I think the Monty Python thing must be my fault. I'd never seen it, so I started watching it on vacation but didn't finish. It must have followed me here. Creepy.

Whenever I see/hear a reference to Elk (the ovine quadruped, not the Lodge members -- heh, I said members) I'm always reminded of the poem by Ogden Nash on the subject.

The Wapiti
There goes the Wapiti
Hippety-Hoppety!

test

take 2

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