SANTA UPDATE

He knows if you've been bad.

Comments

[U.O]

I'm not bad ...

Well, not really bad ...

Santa Repels Muggers wbagnfa ... Christmas? ... band ???

[NotInBaghdad]

He was thanked for "saving the spirit of Christmas." The spirit of Christmas holds thugs at bay with trees? Where? The South Central Pole?

[Atticusser]

Great, now Santa is authorized to use force. Does that mean he has to paint S.W.A.T. on the sides of his sleigh?

"[Santa] has now been issued a radio to summon help if a future incident should arise."

Code red! Code red! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm!

[insomniac]

It was too much when he started tearing stars off the top of trees and using them as nunchuks.

[Ken]

But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor

They said:
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don’t mess around with those silly toys.
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys

-- A tip o' the Santa cap to the prescient songwriting abilities of The Kinks. Circa 1978.

[Somewhere North]

So beating the tar out of punk kids with a tree is the "spirit of Christmas"? I just might convert.

[Blue Meanie]

Tip o' the nightcap to you, Ken. Ya beat me to it.

[KonaChar]

What's a "Malky Watret????"

[Malky Watret]

What's a Kona Char?

[tonymus]

"That's it, Santa, kick his ass!"

P.S. Tip o' the Santa cap to Ken - Anytime you can mention The Kinks in a post, it's a good post...

[KonaChar]

A secret code name.

[John]

Maybe Santa was really using a Festivus tree.

[Chianca at Large]

Festivus la vista, baby.

[TCK]

Badass Santa WBAGNFARB

[southerngirl]

"artificial Christmas tree as his armament"

I'm confused. The tree was a decoration? I don't have any trees on my tree.

Oh, armament.

Never mind.

[mudstuffin]

A man named Malky Watret
made the little tykes quite upset
when dressed as Saint Nick
he laid hold of a stick
and whupped him some punk-ass, you bet.

[crossgirl]

southern girl, you beat me to the joke!

maybe he was bad santa.

[crossgirl]

oops. one more time...

maybe he was a bad santa.

[Blue Meanie]

Malky Watret anagrams to Amtrak Wetly.

In case you were wondering.

[ArcticAl]

Now if he was a Florida Santa, he would have whipped out his concealed carry pistol and shot them.

[Betsy]

We must be sensitive to society's changing mores.
Old rules: Jolly Old Elf, fills stockings, leaves via chimney, doesn't drink on job (except milk, cocoa, etc. left by hearth) or as Bad Santa in "Miracle on 34th Street."
New rules: Santa may react defensively when assaulted, as long as he uses appropriate seasonal decorations in a non-lethal manner, and turns over responsibility as soon as uniformed authorities arrive.
I say kudos to Santa for not shoving an antler up somebody's south pole.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Don't mess with Father Christmas. I don't know what that angel at the top of the tree did, but it must have been pretty bad for Santa to shove a tree up his patootie.

[California girl]

Chianca -

I found that picture of our Governator very disturbing and I'm leaving this thread, never to return!

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

[southerngirl]

Annie, somewhere, on an earlier post, there was a story about why the angel got the tree stuck "up there." I believe it was Mr. C. who wrote it (though I wouldn't swear to it.) I looked for it, but there are just too many posts! Sorry. It was very funny, too!

[MzVette]

So, I'm checking my Yahoo e-mail account and what do I see on the side of my screen but an advert to Dave's "Guide to Guys" movie.. how cool is that!? The first internet Ad I didn't mind seeing, hehe.

[Tek _ No _ Chode]

He knows when you are sleeping,
He knows when you're on the can;
He'll hunt you down and blast your ass
From here to Pakistaaaaaaaaan....

ohhhh...

You better not run
You better not move
You better not breathe;
I'm tellin' you dude...

Santa Claus is gunning you down...

[Candy Tutt]

Tek_No: AHA HA HA HAAAAA!!!

And we thought it was only Dubya recording all our phone calls....

[Annie Where-but-here]

s-girl - yes, I remember c-bol posting that story...I had also seen it a few years ago. Always a lovely reminder of holiday stress.

[Mr. Completely]

Southerngirl - yes, it was me. I'll go look for it, or maybe I'll just post it again.

[Dr Acula]

A Pedant Writes:
This event took place in Paisley, Glasgow, Scotland, Great Britain, Europe, The Earth, The Solar System, The Milky Way, The Universe.
Not in London.
That's why Malcolm The Santa is referred to as 'Malky'. That is how Glaswegians talk.

[Mr. Completely]

I didn't write it, I heard it years ago. I just posted it.

But here it is, a heart-warming Christmas story, brought to you by me:

Santa was having a bad season. The elves were on strike for more candy-cane breaks, there was a weird virus going around among the reindeer, Mrs. Claus was in one of her where-the-hell's-my-Midol moods; the whole thing was just a fiasco. Nevertheless, time and tide wait for no man, not even Santa: The Big Day was coming fast, and Santa had a job to do. So he drags out the sleigh by himself ('cause the frikkin' elves were hiding behind a snowbank passing around a bong full of holly or some damn thing), hitches up the only three reindeer that don't have the drizzling sh*ts, and damn if the harness doesn't break. Back to the tack house to find another harness, rounds up the frikkin' reindeer who've wandered off for a hit from the elves' bong, gets them hitched up again, hauls the bag of presents out of the factory, wrestles it into the back of the sleigh, yells "On Donner, Prancer, and Olive!"* - and the bag falls off the back of the sleigh, scattering toys and presents everywhere.

Santa was pissed.

Just then, a little angel walks by carrying a Christmas tree and asks, "Hey, Santa! Where do you want me to put this tree?"

And that's why, to this day, there's an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

*****
(*Who was Olive? Olive was the other reindeer. You know: "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names....")

[Teri]

A man's got to do what a man's got to do...even Santa!

[Teri]

Also, I wonder if we should call this santa a rebel with a "claus?"

[Mr. Completely]

Teri - be ashamed. Be very ashamed.

[Teri]

Mr. Completely - oh I am, believe me. But a woman's got to do...

[Mr. Completely]

Here's another one for you all: Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas.

On the 12th day of the Euro-centrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

[Brainy Jello]

...enslaved Bovine-Americans

*snork*

Thanks Mr. C

[Naiobi]

Whatever is wrong with you people is no small thing......lololol. Mr. C you are one funny guy.

[Mr. Completely]

Naiobi - Whatever is wrong with you people is no small thing - we pride ourselves on that. Welcome to our world.

[Betsy]

Mr. C...if that's original, I'm submitting your name to the Pope for fast-track canon-(not cannon)ization. If you're merely the messenger, God bless you, sir: it's a priceless gift.

Either way, *snork*!

[Brainy Jello]

<smuttycomment>no small thing...</smuttycomment>

[Mr. Completely]

Betsy - Thanks, but I haven't had an original thought in years.

Happy just to have made you snork, though. Glad you enjoyed it.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Mr. C - there's book/movie out there about "Olive, the Other Reindeer." Made for kids, but kinda pun smart. Not to scare you, but Drew Barrymore is the voice of Olive, the jack russell terrier who thinks he's a reindeer.

[Eleanor]

*zips in even though I said I wouldn't come back*

Random observations.

Bravo, Mr. C.!!!

I like Naiobi - he gets us!! Or "she" - whichever. :)

AnnieWBH - very funny - jack terrier who thinks he's a reindeer - ROFL!!!

*zips out to find fun and frolic on other threads*

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

He knows ven yoo haf been sleeeeping . . .

[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

(haven't been around for a while, anything exciting happen while I was away?)

[Sarcasmo]

Man that's a creepy pic MKJ.

Let's see, what's happened since MKJ left:

Squirrel Terrorism x 15
Booger Jokes x 273
Sophmoric interpretations of purely innocent comments x 987,533 and counting (also sure to increase with your return)

That's about it.

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[Mahatma Kane Jeeves]

Thanks Sarcs. Also plenty of blog spam so I see . . .

[Blue Meanie]

MKJ - weirdly cool picture, but why can't I help feeling there's a Grinch under that hat?

The blog spam is also all German, I see.....hmmmmm.....