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December 20, 2005

THIS BLOG DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN THIS BLOG THINKS ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

...this  blog thinks about Pooh.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

December 19, 2005

ATTENTION, TOOTHBRUSH OWNERS

Be careful.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

There is something for everyone.

ATTENTION, GUYS

You know you want it.

Key review quote: These things are beast.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

IMAGINE NO COMMERCIALISM

It's easy if you ... aaaacccckkkkkkk

(Thanks to queensbee)

INFLATABLE HOLIDAY YARD DECORATION UPDATE

Here's a tasteful new item.

ART UPDATE

Try not to look at the photo.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

OK, FIRST YOU GET A BRAVE PERSON WITH REALLY QUICK HANDS

Then you give this person a small turkey baster. Then...

December 18, 2005

HOLIDAY STRESS

It's nice to know there are places you can turn to for help with seasonal problems.

(Thanks to Michele H.)

SOPHISTICATED SENSUALITY

We don't know about you, but that's what we look for in a toilet.

(Thanks to Robert Shearer, who sycophantically points out: "In my never-ending quest to retain the title Friend To Women, you'll note that the toilet *automatically* lifts the lid AND the seat.")

WHEN GUYS GET INTO CHRISTMAS

There's no telling what might happen.

(Thanks to many, many FOTB and the guys at snopes.com)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

(Thanks to many people)

December 17, 2005

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

The Toilet Paper Avenger

TRAVEL ADVISORY

This blog is leaving today for a ski vacation at a Secret Undisclosed Location that rhymes with "Wolorado." So blogging will be sporadic, unless this blog, while executing a maneuver, falls off a cliff, in which case blogging will cease permanently forever.

Update: We made it to Wolorado, and so far it has been a thrilling experience -- swooping down through the mountains, out of control, screaming in terror. And that was just the plane flight in. We might elect to skip the skiing altogether, wait for the spring thaw, and walk back to Miami.

A REASON TO GO ON LIVING

THE SNOW-PENIS EPIDEMIC

It has spread to Canada.

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING PARTY ANIMAL

...you're talking toad

(Thanks to Nancy Reyes)

December 16, 2005

NEED SOMETHING SLEAZY?

http://www.whorepresents.com

(Thanks to DavCat14)

TYPEPAD

...could have used a stalker of its own, today.

(Thanks to markhh)

TAP TAP TAP

We have reason to believe that the blog is working again. (Though we have our doubts about The Blog, if you know what we mean.)

December 15, 2005

IF THERE'S ANYTHING LOWER THAN A HAMSTER SMUGGLER

...it's a hamster smuggler who fails to front.

OK, THAT'S IT: WE NEED TO SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW

Ewww

(Thanks to Angie)

UPDATE: Commenter Scoop points out that this story is from the Weekly World News, which means it may not be totally 100 percent accurate, although to judge from the headlines listed on this site, the WWN has broken some important stories, such as "Mars Observer Photographed Giant Fish in Space!''

TALK ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY GIFT VALUES

Incredibly, this timely item is still on sale for only $10! Which means that, for a total of $25, you can also get a pair of these.

DEPARTMENT OF PRODUCTS THAT MAKE YOU GO: HUH?

Huh?

(Via Gizmodo)

LIFE CAN GO ON

Santa's back, according to the perky guys 'n' gals on the News 2 Team.

NOT THAT WE WANT TO ALARM ANYBODY

...but what happens if these things start exploding? We're surrounded by them. If two or three of them were to blow, our house would be rubble.

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS WITH (a) TONS OF MONEY, AND (b) THE INTELLIGENCE OF A VIENNA SAUSAGE

The Paris Hilton Watch

(Via Gizmodo)

December 14, 2005

MOVE OVER, RUNAWAY BRIDE

Coming soon: The Runaway Husband story

(Thanks to Steve B.)

Update: There might be a perfect match here somewhere...

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

HMMMM

If this whale uses its tusk for smooching, we have to wonder what is going on here.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

And all through the house<br>
Not a creature was stirring<br>
And now we know why.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Layne Smith)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

And no, before anybody asks, there is not a word missing. There are, however, hundreds of thousands of key quotes.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

PRACTICAL GIFTS THAT GUYS NEED

Guys need this. Also, this.

(Via Gizmodo)

CREEPING FASCISM

They're trying to take away our most fundamental rights.

(Thanks to everybody, living and dead, who reads this blog)

JACK BAUER HAS BEEN LOCATED

He's in Indiana. (Read the last sentence.)

(Thanks to Jeremy Hansen)

HOLIDAY TERROR

The bastards shredded a moose family.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

If you're his cellmate, you definitely want this guy to get the bottom bunk.

(Thanks to Beth Armogida)

THE PERFECT GIFT WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL MAN IN YOUR LIFE: "YOU REMIND ME OF CHEWBACCA"

Give him this.

(Via Gizmodo)

SQUIRREL UPDATE

Even for squirrels, this is low.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Not that it's any of this blog's business, but for $50, she could have him whacked.

HAVE JOY

This blog's daughter, Sophie, age 5, attends kindergarten in the Miami-Dade school system, where she is acquiring the fundamental tools of knowledge: reading, writing and making paper snowflakes. Last night Sophie was seized by the spirit of the season and decided to make a card:
Sophiejoy

December 13, 2005

WHOA

This is kinda long, but it has some pretty amazing stuff. This blog has no idea who these people are. But we would not want to play follow-the-leader with them.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BLOG COMMENTING PROBLEMS

Judi informs me that for a while now, some of you have been having problems posting comments to the blog. Various technical people have tried to fix this, so far without success. Rest assured that we will continue trying to get a grip on this situation, because your comments are frequently alarming the very heart of this blog.

HO

We gotcher stocking stuffer right here.

(Thanks to Bjorn of the message board)

CHRISTMAS DECORATION UPDATE

The hot item in our neighborhood is the giant inflatable snow globe, which is edging out the giant inflatable Santa. Speaking of which: Our neighbors have an inflatable Santa, and he's not anchored right, so he keeps falling over. Much of the time he's lying on his back, as though he's been hitting the eggnog a little too hard. But he keeps right on smiling and waving at the sky. Because that is the Spirit of Christmas.

BRRR

We're having a bitter cold wave down here in Miami. When we took our daughter to school this morning, it was, like, SIXTY. The lizards are moving really slow. I seriously considered not wearing shorts today. But don't worry about us; we'll get through this somehow.

December 12, 2005

EVER WONDER HOW BUSY EXECUTIVES SUCH AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES GET OFF THE PHONE?

They use this.

(Via Gizmodo)

INTERNET PORN

Don't try to tell us it doesn't turn you on.

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

WHEN SOMEBODY REMARKS THAT THEY JUST DON'T MAKE PRO-MOTHERHOOD MUSIC VIDEOS FEATURING MISTER T IN HOT PANTS THE WAY THEY USED TO

This blog is forced to agree.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP?

No.

 
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