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December 28, 2005


It's time once again for bad sex.


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Some people may be satisfied reading about bad sex, but I am one of those live-life-to-the-fullest kind of guys who have to go out and experience it for myself. I know you're all jealous.

They forgot one author.
Franklin W Dixon in the "Hardy Boys Undercover Brother's Blown away."

"Stiff Competition"?

"insert some punctuation"?

btw, doesn't everyone scream "tally ho" during sex?

I don't know, tally ho just sounds so polite and, well, Brit. He's got to be doing something wrong if she has the breath to scream tally ho instead of AAAUuuurrgghh AH AH AH Uh HUUHHHH, WWWAAAHHHH!!!!

Far, far, FAR too much information in this article.

"more like a glaze"?? Ew.

Dave, I won't read that (and you can't make me).

i'll have what she's having.

Isn't Tom Wolfe eligible for a "Lifetime Overall Bad Writing In General" achievement award by now?

I hope more people get involved in trying to discourage this kind of crap. (Sauce? Glaze? Slime animal?) Please!

I also enjoyed Tom Wolfe's complaint that the judges didn't appreciate the 'irony' in his winning passage.

"It was a pallendrome, no wait, irony, that's it, irony."

OK, Dave, you've convinced me! I'll never eat lobster again.

(Trying to remember if "Tricky Business" has any such passages)

Mr. Dave already showcased one of my favorite bad sex novels of all time ("The Bridges of...") in his cyber-book ["I am the peregrine and the highway..." to which I always wanted to add, "...and the aging author with an over-active fantasy life"). But I'm also fond of the late Dame Barbara Cartland, who arranged for all sexual activity to take place between chapters, initiated by a series of ellipses
[..he swept her into his arms...she felt as if she was falling into a void...it was...the end of the chapter.] Presumably they had a very quick cigarette, because by the time you turned the page, everyone was all dressed and riding to hounds.

Mud...Nossir. The sex in "Tricky Business" as well as "Big Trouble" was definitely delightfully portrayed. I'm especially fond of the dispassionate account of the workmanlike, um, well, WORK being performed by the bad guy's girlfriend.

(And let me be perfectly clear: when I referred to aging authors in my previous post, I was referring to Robert James Waller, not our Fearless Leader, who is not, in any way, aging, nor, I'm sure, in need of a fantasy life.)


That's really some terrible writing they're talkin' about ... Heck! I can write MUCH better se ... um ... nevermind ...

Betsy-the Barbara Cartland novels are much easier to get through if you substitute "Sid, the garbageman" everytime she refers to "Dirk, the Duke of Earl" or whoever the rich, dark nobleman of the moment is. And yes, they are infested with ellipses. I always just assumed that her typewriter key was stuck.

Is it blog cantest time again? I am sure that we could come up with some poetry for this topic!

"Oooh-la-jolly well-la!"


You think their editors would see this coming (not like that!) and edit the scenes out of existence. Or maybe they could all do with a good laugh.

Ben Elton, FYI, is a British comedic genius. I think the "gosh" "golly" and "tally-ho" were all just for effect, rather than a serious attempt at a sex scene. Although, I read one of his in "Past Mortem" last year and I'm still trying to forget it. *shudder*

with prose that is tired, yet scary,
authors make sex literary
with members a' throbbin'
and noggins a' bobbin'
they have cajones extraordinary

wheezing, I read with one hand
phrases I yearn to understand
about lobsters and eels
and how a glaze feels
and a shower attached to a man

"Momma's got a squeeze box she wears on her chest
When daddy comes home he never gets no rest
Because she's playing all night
And the music's alright
Momma's got a squeeze box, daddy never sleeps at night."

Now THERE is lyrical, literary extasy. Put that in your romance novel and spank it.

If this blog were a TV show reporting on the information in this article, we would all know it was Ratings Week.

Earwig Alert: Sex
by Berlin

Read about fire, let my love writings inspire you, it's just not right
There's the sound and the smell of bad writing on my mind
If writing is a joy , come and work with me, get the words right now
Wrap your arms around me, read to me tonight

I'm a man – I couldn’t tell…
I'm a man - Well I'm a writer
I'm a man – I watch blue movies
I'm a man - Writings a bitch
I'm a man – You’re a hack
I'm a man – You’re an amateur
And we write bad love together

Slip and slide in my bad delight, feel the words flow
Not too nice, but don't be harsh, my review’s in your hands

I'm a man – You write like a child
I'm a man – Don’t show your mother
I'm a man - I'm on your bookstand
I'm a man – You’re just a little pervy
I'm a man – Reviews I give you
I'm a man – But this they called “dirty”?
And we write bad love together

Writing bad prose, Oooh-la-jolly well-la!!
Come on honey let’s describe lobster toes
Look inside, it's a one-act play just for you
Let's get lost in that magic page all alone now
Read your fill from my bold-faced fonts of love

I'm a man – You’re a teaser
I'm a man – You’re still a virgin?
I'm a man – Not on my night stand!
I'm a man - I'm on drugs
I'm a man – Well that much we knew
I'm a man – You write like Brando?
And we write bad love together.

I'm a man – Are you sure?
I'm a man – Go rent a hooker
I'm a man – Gumby’s not a blue movie
I'm a man – You’re in a rut
I'm a man – You can learn to write better
I'm a man – You have to edit, go write a blog letter
I'm a man – You’re totally clueless
And we write bad love together
And we'll win bad sex awards, if ever!

Mrs. PirateBoy says that I am committed, or should be.

PB --




BTW, I'm thinkin' you're somewhere in SoCal ... Riverside/SBD? Or you work there, or somethin' ... if you wanna hear about the DBBLOG gathering & stuff, drop me an email ...

Glowing with fluorescence, Berlin featuring Pirate Boy is a neon candle in the dark.

I was amused by the fact that the contest results were announced at the "In&Out Club."

Best. Blog entry. evar.

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