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December 01, 2005

HOLIDAY SONG ADVISORY

This is the time of year when, if you're in a mall, at any moment the public-address system may start playing the song "Merry Christmas, Darling," which means that, unless you cover your ears quickly, you will hear the late Karen Carpenter croon these lyrics:

The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire

You have been warned.

Comments

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Your log of desire
Fills me with fire????

What's wrong with Karen Carpenter? I love that song!

Elizabeth

That's why you bring a pellet gun when shopping - in case Mr. Low-fidelity Mall Speaker decides he needs a little Christmas.

I agree with Dave! YUK -- that song is horrible, as are many of the "holiday hits" inflicted on us at every opportunity during this season. I recommend earmuffs, worn everywhere.

eeew, she logged on a fire?

No wonder it's a sh!tty Christmas song.

All I've been hearing is Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas". Over and over and over again. It is officially the most stubbornly long-lasting earworm I have ever had.

The 2nd most stubborn is:

Siiiiimply!
Haaaaaving!
A wonderful Christmas-time!

(Ohhhhh-ohh-ohh-ohhhhh-ohhh...)

The cure is Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. Amazon has sample clips from the songs. This stuff will stick in your head fer sure.

Tamara! No! Please! Not "Simply Having"!!

*Puts hands over ears and flees the earworm, the thread, and the blog*

Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony Beef Log.
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't think I can get along.

Mother tries to comfort me;
She says "Here, Son, have some eggnog."
I f****** hate eggnog, seriously.

But what do I see
Underneath the tree?
Grandma got a Swiss Colony Beef Log just for me!
Ah, ah, ah, Baby!!

Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby!
That's what Christmas is all about!
My prayer has finally come in a Beef Log baby!
Makes a little boy scream and shout!

Man, that sucks.

"Christmas Shoes" is also wretched.

Thanks, Tamara. Thanks a lot.

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My personal "favorite" is "Do They Know It's Christmas," if only for these timelessly nonsensical lyrics:

"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?"

I hope there's no snow in Africa, otherwise we have a problem. And the Nile doesn't count as a river?

But we've got the internet now, Dave. Know what that means? You never have to be in the mall again if you don't want to. Unless Mrs. Blog says you have to go or something. It also means that I can do my Christmas shopping during my "computers in business" class.

Tamara, is that the one that they used in "Love Actually" (twice, including the little girl singing)? I can't tell you how annoying it is to have that thing earworming away in the middle of the summer. Or the Fall. Or Spring. Or Christmas for that matter!

Yesterday I heard the song from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on the radio. That was more like it.

Why is Dave in a mall already? I thought real men did all their shopping on Christmas Eve. Maybe he was stocking up on hurricane supplies.

i LOVE that song and just put it in my sig. :-p

Yoshi Baby! Where've you been? You ran away and fell in a hole when we bumped into that koopa a while back and I haven't seen you since.

every year when we head east to visit relatives for Christmas (about an 800 mile trip), my wife insists on digging out the holiday music cd's she's purchased for this very reason - I'm not allowed to listen to any music that would make the trip more enjoyable, and instead am forced for the entire 800 miles to listen to such nuggets as the Alabama Christmas album, and (oh God, I can hardly even say it) A Chipmunks Christmas.

This guarentees at least one speeding ticket every year as I am forced to drive faster and faster in my quest to end the torture - even ten minutes less in the car is worth the cost of the ticket

TCK - one word - headphones. Or is that two words?

What about the late, grate Bing Crosby and David Bowie doing a duet of "The Little Drummer Boy"?

Somehow, I think that if Mr. Crosby heard a knock at his door, and was greeted by David Bowie, in full "Ziggy Stardust" outfit and makeup, Crosby would have done several things besides singing:

He would have, in order:

a> Activated his estate alarm panic button

b> Had Bowie arrested for criminal trespassing, or criminal slaughtering of a Christmas classic.

c> Fired his security/alarm company

d> Realized that he must have recently died, and somehow this *wasn't* the heaven he had envisioned

e> Had a glass of that "fresh squeezed" Florida orange juice. (Isn't that right, Nathanial?)

OK, remembering anything about item "e" puts you back aboard the "Geezer Bus".

Great!!! Just Great! Typo Alert!!! "grate" sounds like something Nat King Coal used....

southerngirl - I have suggested the use of headphones (head phones?) - all it got me was a patient explanation from my wife as to how Christmas is all about the whole family being together, and is it too much to ask that we all enjoy the music together, etc., etc. (I think I blacked out at that point)

I've also tried tracking down those damn cd's before we leave, so that they could unfortunately disappear, but she's got them hidden in some super-secret alternate location - I imagine that Dick Cheney is listening to them as we speak...

Pirateboy, "Nat King Cole", unless you're getting him for Christmas. Unless you did that intentionally. I always make typos when I'm correcting a typo. Bards of a feather, so to speak.

TCK - so sorry about the Chipmunks Xmas. Bad enough to drive that far, but knowing screechy rodents will accompany you is beyond harsh.

Where have you all been? I've been hearing that song for a MONTH now. But for sheer Christmas earworm power, nothing beats "Christmas in Killarney", which is Irish, sung by Anne Murray, which is Canadian.

*goes off to hide in the back of the store and whimper in pain*

Saturday night I was downtown
Shopping at the local mall
Standing in lines for hours
Christmas spirits starting to fall...

A little music store on the west side
Full of people who'd just gotten lost
Just about to call it a day, man
When a heard this woman playing a song..

A stack of 45s made me open my eyes
My apprehension started to rise
She was a strong, cruel woman in a black dress
With a tin ear, we all were appalled
If you heard one song you were a bad mess
'Cause that strong cruel woman played 'em all!

I saw her head to the table
And put on some stuff by Burl Ives
If I'd been a cat I'd be worried
'Cause that song would've used up 8 lives
Then suddenly we heard the Chipmunks
And everyone started to hurl
Just about the time I passed out
There was a Yule medley from Minnie Pearl!

When I came to I saw my opening
And kicked out the power cord
She looked at me for my forgiveness
Mouthed 'Thank you' and said not a word!
So eleven months a year we're happy
But when December comes round to call
I gear up for the music that's crappy
'Cause that strong cruel woman plays 'em all!

TCK - invoke the driver's right to listen to whatever the hell you want to. If Mrs. TCK wants to control the radio, she can control the rest of the car too. If not, the driver picks the music. Or simply hide the keys and refuse to start the car until all objectionable Christmas Music has been tossed out the window.

TCK - while I feel for you, I now have Chipmunk-itis, and it's your fault, and it's making me, uh, 'nuts.' "Gee, I want a huuuuula hooooop! Weeee can hardly stand the waaaait, please Christmas, don't beeeee laaaaaate!!!"

Here is one of my very favorite Christmas songs. It's too funny. We sang in in choir one year.

My favorite is "There's Something Stuck Up in the Chimney", can't remember the artist. Off to Google!

Here we go:

(sung in a 5 year old girl's voice)

THE CHIMNEY SONG
Bob Rivers Comedy Corp.


There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night
But he never came and it don't seem right.
And there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
And we don't know what we're going to do.
Cause there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace
Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace.
That there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll been waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says, "He's already here."
And he's stuck up in the chimney
And he doesn't say a word
And he'll be there every Christmas.
And we'll have him every Christmas.


What about Neil Diamond's "The Christmas Album" (Volume II was just released!)

The link for it is: Christmas/a>
Warning: It is a Sony site, so I don't know if that CD contains any of their malware or not.

OK, guilty confession time. I actually saw Neil Diamond perform most of these songs during a concert I went to at (duh!) Christmas. He brought out a huge artificial tree, and invited the audience to sing along with half a dozen "Christmas classics". It was so cheesy, you could cut it with a knife. I kept thinking "Neil, Neil, you're Jewish right? So what does "White Christmas" really imply here?

Fast forward to July. I'm again at a Neil Diamond concert and, guess what? He hauls out the same Christmas tree! This time he says something like "Yeah, I know it's LA, and it's July (Not to mention 85 degrees at the time) but this tree cost us so much money, and we had so much fun with it, we're gonna bring it out again one last time..."

Final guilty confession of the day: If you look at the photo inside Neil's "Love of the Greek II", I'm somewhere near the front of the stage.

No, more to the left.

(And I'm not even going to mention how awful the Jimmy Buffett Christmas album is. Let's just say that Barry Manilow's is much, much better. Or so I've heard...)



But I like Christmas!

My piano teacher refused to teach me to play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" because she said it was vulgar.

here comes santa claus, here comes santa clause right down christmas tree lane.... ackkkkk... its a horrible ear worm.
i hate most of those insipid tunes. but they are loved anywhere that has a tapedeck and some musak type thing..... i dont suppose that they will stop playing the songs if i make them, and say, hey, i'm jewish, knock it off? huh? even if i say it whilst holding an OOUZI????

*eyes queens' uzi.*

*refrains from singing favorite Christmas carole*


(i heard that:|)

qb, you know that song by save ferris about suffering through the christmas season as a jew? it's pretty good; it's on my son's anti-christmas cd.
here's a link to the lyrics:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/saveferris/christmaswrapping.html

I prefer the Blues Christmas classics, e.g. "Back Door Santa".

It really needs to be said here that if Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich, they'd both be with us today.

Don't even get me started on "Christmas Shoes" or the other crud they're going to start forcing down our throats on the radio in about 2.5 hours ...

Last year, the radio station Himself listens to the most decided to become the "official Christmas station" for our city.

Yep, Christmas songs, the good, the bad, the stupendously tacky, ALL DAY LONG.

Starting December 1st.

He can put the Christmas CD's on starting on or about Christmas Eve, then he will STOP playing them before New Year's Eve.

Those are my rules.

Stupe Man - oldie but goodie...the eating disorder joke, that is.

Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby" isn't bad. At least it chases those damn chipmunks away.

One of my fondest memories of Christmas was my mom's annual Holiday Meltdown. She would start yelling "I've had it! Santa's not coming to THIS house this year!" Ah, memories....

Annie-w-b-h:

It was intentional.

There once was a famous old rebus that went:

If the B mt, put :
If the B. putting :
Don't put : a - der
You'd be a jack* it.


Translation: The "B" was known as a "Great B" when doing a rebus. A period was known as a "full stop".

It it reads like this when you pronounce all the punctuation, and fill in the puns:

"If the grate be empty, put coal on.
If the grate be full, stop putting coal on.

Don't put coal on a high fender
You'd be a jack asterisk it."


(Gads, my English degree is finally being put to use!)

Also, Annie, when will you restart your blog? (Subtle hint from your Dear Readers)

*flicks lighter in the air for Insom*

You rock, man. And you take requests!!!

Wow, you actually read my blog? I've better get on out there and post my patootie off. Thanks for inquiring, though. I can feel the pressure already. Although that just might be gas... or a fruitcake (not sure how I meant that).

Pirateboy, that was really cool. I like.

I'm with qb here, but I do like O Holy Night, I can't help myself.

We Have Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song which is cool and I'd post the lyrics, but I'm shopping online for Christmas presents for all my Christmas-type friends!

Yes, Pirateboy, that was very coal, er, cool.

My son was talking about all the animals that were in the stable when Jesus was born. He kept mentioning a chicken named "Beth." ???

"You know, Mom - 'Christ is born with Beth the hen.'" (from "Hark the [Miami] Herald Angels Sing")

Liz-I only like that song because it's got Boy George in it. Orange-haired Boy George.
Anyway.
Yeah. The Christmas Shoes has to be the worst ever. Even worse than that 'I Want a Hippopotamus for Chistmas' song...

Listening to any Karen Carpenter song makes me want to throw up.

djtonyb - You're single, aren't you?

Or, he's divorced.

Dang, it posted before I was finished. I also wanted to say, in any case, at least he gets to control the radio!

Personally, I've always been partial to this seasonal item ... (with sincere thannks to Mr. Kelly)


Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker 'n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, 'lope with you!

Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!

Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!

Waves bye-bye to U.O who has just boarded the Geezer Bus.

That kept me entertained!

Mr. C & southerngirl - I forgot youse new kids and I haven't really been formally introduced. Single and gay, so in South Florida marriage won't be an option anytime soon. I do, however, belong to a family, and thems were the rules. If Mom was driving, Mom controlled the radio, same deal with Dad. Being forced to drive a great distance and forced to endure music you don't want to hear is cruel and unusual punishment, especially with kids in the car. If I were TCK I'd have a very hard time not driving directly into an overpass abutment at 75mph.

djtonyb - pleasedtameetcha, I'm sure. I'm in Southern California, where you can be gay and married at the same time (refer to Tom Cruise, Michael Jackson, etc.), NTTAWWT. I gotta agree with youse - if I were forced to listen to that, I'd drive into the nearest abutment post-haste.

*snork*

Mr. C, likewise. I don't get to the blog as often as I used to, but I catch up when I can. I was part of the group that started posting when the blog first went live with comments, and I enjoy seeing all the new people jump aboard and join the insanity. You and Mrs. Thepoint are a fun addition to our little asylum.

I'm sure it's a contraction:
". . . log's on the fire . . ."

Thanks, Tamara! Although I usually love Christmas songs, Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" should be used in the criminal justice system; say, if you get convicted of robbing a 7-11, for example, then you have to listen to Mariah Carey sing Christmas Songs for 5 hours without a break. For something more serious, such as robbing a 7-11 and leaving the store with no Diet Coke for me to buy, I would sentence a person to a full 24 hours of Mariah Carey's Christmas songs COMBINED with the soundtrack from "Toys," otherwise known as "The Worst Movie Ever Made What Was Robin Williams THINKING???"

Nearly lethal earwig alert:

I have had this song stuck in my head since I heard it last night at dinner. I don't know what it's called, or who sings it (and it's not even a Christmas song) but it's the one where a woman sings "I'm gonna stick witchoo forever" about 900 times, and then, for special emphasis, at the end of each verse, she pronounces the same phrase "wit you". This song should be a capital crime.

A Christmas Prayer:

Dear Lord,

Please allow me not to be in a state with strict gun control when the inevitable Britney Christmas song starts playing at the mall.

Amen.

*and Shudder*

djtonyb, you've got to feel sorry for the kids sometimes, depending on the music. The last long car trip I took with my parents, my dad was trying to learn the words to a song he wanted to play called "Orphan Girl" by Gillian Welch. I like bluegrass/country/folk music pretty well in general, but I can't stand Gillian Welch, and by the time that trip was over I couldn't stand that song either. He played it over and over and over the whooooole trip. From North Carolina to Edisto Island, from Edisto to Charleston and back, from Edisto back to Indiana. Nothing but "Orphan Girl" over and over. Even mom was sick of it, and she's got the patience of Job. I think that song will be on a repeating loop on hell's PA system.

I gotta get on the Geezer Bus ... I'm the driver ...

Additional variations of lyrics also attributed to Pogo [Not ours; Mr. Kelly's] and Pals: (Altho there may be some question as to authenticity ... perhaps these were first drafts?)

Tickle salty boss anchovie
Wash a wash a wall Anna Kangaroo
Ducky allus bows to Polly,
Prolly Wally would but har'ly do!

Dock us all a bowsprit, Solly --
Golly, Solly's cold and so's ol' Lou!


 


I'm surprised nobody mentioned the "Hanukkah Hey Ya"

1. Yes, the driver chooses the music--that is THE RULE! Rock on with your bad self, Mr DJ!

2. In flight attendant training, we had a lovely, not-too-bright woman in our class who could not for her life pronounce the word "with". She HAD to say "wit", which made her emergency drills somewhat amusing to watch: "Unfasten your seat belts! Come this way! Do not take anything WI'CHOO!"

2b. ...She also got a lot of extra help on tests, because the instructors didn't want anyone to fail... But this was before 9/11; I'm sure they're much choosier now. *cough*

Um...I really like the Hippopotamus song. Please don't hate me.

The SHOES! My God, the SHOES! That song must be stopped.
But what really makes my hair stand on end is the awful Brenda Lee rendition of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," particularly, right at the very end when someone or SOMETHING emits a series a horrible YAPS that sounds like someone is fileting a live puppy. Yeesh.

So ... if the driver gets to choose ... and I'm driving the Geezer Bus ... that means ... um ... what was I saying?

How about Madonna's version of Santa Baby. I would have thunk that Christmas songs were against her Kabalabadoo-doo

On the flip side, a fantastic Christmas song that will blast all the earwigs away is "Christmas" (Not sure if that is the title)as performed by Darlene Love in an annual traditon on "Late Show with David Letterman" And since this is boring--Booger!

One of the presets on my car stereo switches to all Christmas music around mid-November. So I take it off my presets until after Christmas! Christmas music is fine, and I do have favorites, but mid-November?

The Geezers on the bus go round and round....

My 'favorite' is the Wham song

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away

Good Lord... I just googled the lyrics for this "Christmas Shoes" that everyone has been talking about, luckily I have not heard it yet. Just reading the lyrics made me want to blow up my monitor, I can't imagine how sappy that must be to hear out loud.

Bah, Humbug!

I wasn't going to bother, but I just googled the "Christmas Shoes" lyrics as well.

OMGWTFBBQ! BAD SONG! BAD! SONG!

It Worked! Thank you Shredder, and God bless.

To U.O. "Good King Saurkraut looked out, on his feets uneven..."

That is why I love the blog- nobody else remembers this stuff! (I go Pogo)

The dogs barking Jingle Bells has to be the all time worst. And for some reason the radio stations here play it ALL THE TIME.

Artchick ~ when I was a kid, I took piano lessons, and one of the songs I had to play was "Good King Wencelaus." I never heard your lyrics, though! :)

The worst one for me, at the moment, is that commercial with Beyonce singing whatever Christmas crap she's singing, with her family around the tree. I think it's for Target or WalMart. It makes me want to SCREAM!!

It's playing again. On my boss' radio. Mariah Carey. The earworm that won't go away.

Help.

ceeg22 - What's wrong with re-gifting?

I, personally, cannot hear "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" without putting in the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song.

Does this mean that I'm doubly pathetic because I actually get teary when I hear the Christmas Shoes song?? Although, to be fair, I also do that during Extreme Makeover Home Edition and one particular Cheerios commercial. Sweet Lincoln's Mullet -- I AM pathetic.

Oh, Mr. C ~ now I'm doing it, too!

"Sweet Lincoln's Mullet"

I love that!

This is my favorite thread ever. It's like a support group for people with ears!

My VERY favorite Xmas song is the version of the Beach Boys' "Lil' Saint Nick," that was done by the Muppets on their holiday show with John Denver (1980-something). All through it in the background Animal is screaming, "Run run REINDEER!!" then at the end there's a great big crash...silence...and Animal saying "...sorry."
Damn, it cracks me up every time!!!

I love Grandma got Run Over By a Reindeer, but my mum thinks it's a horrible song.
Also, Lincoln's Mullet WBAGNFABluegrass/Country(?)B, in my humble opinion.

Southern girl- "Good King Saurkraut" is from Pogo. Walt Kelley was a genius.

Artchick -- glad you answered that ... I just got here, or I would've ...

Yeah, he was ... way moreso than even Al Capp or Bill Mauldin or Herblock ...

Gary Trudeau comes close to Kelly, but he doesn't do Christmas carols ... is that a Canadian thing?

Also, on Pogo ... long, long ago, in a land far away (Chicago) we were at my aunt & uncle's for Christmas ... they entertained us by rendering the entire six (main) verses of "Boston Charlie" in harmony ... it was wonderful ... one of the best Christmas memories I have, of my (much younger) years ...

Once, while in the US Army and stationed on Okinawa, I got ordered (read "detailed, dragooned or shanghaied") by my CO to accompany a troop of Boy Scouts on a weekend campout not long before Christmas 1967. The kids were a lot of fun, unexpectedly, and floored me when they sat around the campfire and sang:

"You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is...dead!"

The beautiful voices of those youngster raised in the holiday spirit brought tears to my eyes. *snif*

Don't pick on Karen Carpenter. She didn't write those lyrics - her brother did. Also, you're quoting it out of context and leaving off a line that changes it completely:
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you again....

If you're going to mock someone, get it right.

JillyWilly-Is it that one where the couple adopt the two kids and they bond over the breakfast cereal?
I love that one. There's no orange hair in it, though.

Barry you bonehead" Merry Christmas Darling " is a heck of a good song.

As one of the biggest clubs in the UK, one of our challenges is how we successfully integrate new members into the club. The challenge was made even greater when we decided to run 4 separate beginners courses during the same time period!

We are pleased to confirm that the approach we decided to take was an outstanding success and will be adopted for all future intakes!

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