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October 07, 2005


Today's news: Neuticles win an Ig Nobel award.

But as early as December 1996, The Blog had included them in the annual gift guide:

Sometimes we hear about a product that is so unusual we feel compelled to order it just to confirm that it truly does exist. Neuticles are such a product. We swear we are not making them up. Neuticles are artificial testicles for dogs. The idea is, if you have your dog fixed, the veterinarian can install these, so your dog will feel that he is still as much of a canine stud as he ever was. According to the literature, Neuticles are ``crafted from FDA-approved polyurethane material'' and ``replicate the canine testicle in size, shape and weight.''

Needless to say, Neuticles are a terrific way to say ``Happy Holidays!'' to the dog on your gift list. But we think they also make a potentially very useful gift for humans as well. Let's say you work in an office where a male co-worker regularly comes around to your desk and stands there gabbing, thus preventing you from getting any work done. Just put a set of Neuticles -- we recommend the large size -- on your desk, and wait for the co-worker to pick them up and ask what they are. When you answer, your co-worker will -- trust us -- immediately drop them and walk away. After a few steps, he may even faint. This item also makes a great conversation-stopper when you're trying to get guests to leave your party so you can go to bed. Just whip a set of Neuticles out of your pocket, toss them at your guests and say, ``Guess what THESE are!''

We can neither confirm nor deny the rumor that the world's largest privately owned collection of this particular item belongs to Donald Trump.


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My dog was the first one on the block to have these installed.

I don't even want to know how they're "installed."

Donald Trump and The Artificial Dog Testicles WBAGNFARB.

Frankly, I think This Blog and The Stealth Bloggerette have earned the right claim the Ig Nobel prize in economics for their tireless efforts in enhancing office productivity, even though they they have not posted a productivity enhancer in quite a while.

Neither did he, Mike, neither did he.

And here in the KC area we're proud (?) to note that the inventor is from the area. I first heard of Neuticals when he was interviewed on a local radio station while trying to get his business off the ground. They are, of course, having him back now that he's world-famous.

But he sure thought they tasted just like the real thing.

KC Steve -

"off the ground" ???

What was that thread awhile back, something about "why is my dog scooting?" ...

You mean to tell me that these are so natural, the dog will still scoot across the lawn/carpet/driveway in an attempt to scratch them?


Great product!

i suppose Artificial Dog Nuts is too crass for a good name farb.

I just love the word, "neuticles."

Well, how ELSE do you suppose the Donald attracted someone like Melania? His money?

It's the hypnotic power of his hair-don't, Kilmeny. She was compelled by a force greater than logic or reason.

BTW.. does this Ig Nobel award give us DB bloggers a definitive time frame for how far ahead of the rest of the world we are in terms of our brilliance? 9 years, give or take a few months sounds about right to me.

coffee,get me black coffee

aaargh... please insert the following in my previous post, wherever you think it would fit best.

...give us, as DB bloggers, a...

Please excuse my grammar. She's fallen and she can't get up.

What would the female equivalent of this be? The Neutagina?

Earth to World!
Keep up with us here...

heh. Bad joke. I know.

Karen asked "What would the female equivalent of the be?

Answer: Neuvaries

*zips in*

The Neuvaries WBAGNFA(chick)RB.

And on a personal note, I'd like to say that
I Love The Donald.


I LOVE that the Nigerians won the prize for literature for all of their e-mails.

A Nuterus?

So this product is designed to improve or preserve the self-esteem of the dog? Isn't the whole point of neutering to knock him down a notch?

judi and Dave, we need more info! Seriously, I've searched the web but have not found a single result of the Ig Nobel winning studies.

I won't sleep until I know:
1. Do humans can swim faster in water or goop?
2. Just how did they test this?
3. Were there any test survivors?

Also, Dr. NakaMats' website is interesting.

Not mentioned in Dr. NakaMats' site is one of my old favorites: How to turn Dr. NakaMats' greatest invention into the Starship Enterprise.

Rest easy tonight, scat, the answer is syrup and water are about the same for swimming. Read about it here.

Thanks, spinner8, you're my hero!

I'll take that nap now.

This part of the FAQ from the Neuticles website caught my eye:

"Some pets develop scar tissue... the way to eliminate potential development is to gently massage the Neuticles weekly to break up any possible formations..."

I can only imagine what the dog must be thinking.

I think Jerry Seinfeld had a bit where aliens, upon observing dog owners picking up their pet's crap, conclude that dogs are the dominant species.
But their multi-lobed brains would explode if they saw a human castrate a dog, replace them with plastic prostheses, and then (as if in penance)gently massage said ex-testicles.

Hoo boy, the day I massage my dog's nuts is the day I use my fingers to express his anal gland which is never. Or next Tuesday, I forget which.

I note this important milestone in Dr. NakaMats's curriculum vitae:

Threw the first pitch at the baseball game of Pirates under the American Major in place of American President.

Hurrah for breaking the common sense!

These things have been around for years and dow you tell me i may have to massage my dog's scrotum?!?!?!? Nothankyouverymuchpleasedeargodnodon'tmakeme!!

Female dog (e.g. bitch) is spade, not neutered so therefore . . . Spoveries, Sputerous, or Spagina.

Correct usage in a sentance:

You--"Hello Edward, I just got my bitch a Sputerous."


I met a guy who got his neutered Jack Russell a pair of neuticles. When the dog passed on, the guy had the vet remove the neuticles so he would have them as a keepsake. I have a mental picture of him fumbling with them a la Humphrey Bogart in The Caine Mutiny.

SM -

Nice imagery ...

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