Dave Barry's Blog

ONE SMALL PART OF THE RELIEF EFFORT

My daughter, Sophie, age 5, and her friend Rosie set up a lemonade stand outside our house today to raise money for victims of Katrina and Rita. They made signs decorated with many hearts and stood behind their table on the sidewalk for two hours, waving their little hands at passing cars. We figured they wouldn't get many customers -- Miami is not a famously neighborly place -- but a lot of people stopped. Sophie and Rosie sold all their lemonade at 25 cents a cup -- quite a few customers left a dollar and said keep the change -- and they ended up making $37 for the Red Cross. They're thrilled. I'm feeling pretty good myself, having been reminded that, even though it's not always obvious, there are plenty of good people out there.

FROM THE "INTELLECTUAL CHICKEN" DEPARTMENT

Hi Dave,

I have a Jack In The Box complaint that needs addressed immediately!

I went to Jack In The Box and ordered a "Spicy Chicken sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato Only". To which the little speaker replied ... "No Mayo?". To which I replied "Well, just lettuce and tomato". Again the speaker responded "No Mayo?". I said "I just want the sandwich with lettuce and tomato". The reply ... "Well, they come with lettuce, tomato, and mayo. No mayo?". I replied "Whatever it takes to get it with lettuce and tomato only!".

What is wrong with people? It's like I had to say it the way they wanted or I wasn't allowed to have a Spicy Chicken sandwich. If they know it comes with 3 condiments and the person asks for only 2 then common sense should take over. Right? But NO, they want to argue about "No Mayo" versus "Lettuce and Tomato Only". They know what I want. Why are they arguing about the semantics of a Spicy Chicken sandwich's condiments? Just give me the damn sandwich!

Thanks for listening,

Greg Spradling
Franklin, TN

You know what else is fun? When people call me on the phone and I say "Hello," and they say, "Is this Judi Smith?" and I say, "May I help you?" and they say, "Is this Judi Smith?" and I say, "May I help you with something?" and they say, "Is this Ms. Smith?" and I say, "What can I do for you?" and they say, "I need to know if this is Judi Smith" and I say, "And I need to know what you're calling about," and they say, "Is this Judi Smith?" and I say, "May I help you?"

That's fun.

ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS TO BE A GOOD NAME FOR A BAND

Rock Snot

(Thanks to HannaBanana)

HEALTH ADVISORY

Frankly, we have long suspected this.

URGENT WEATHER UPDATE

A Super Typhoon is penetrating (Har!) Asia. We're thinking Walter should cover this one.

(Thanks to many people)

REMARKABLY FORTHRIGHT HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

THE INTERNET

Sometimes, it just makes you say: "Huh?"

THEY MICROWAVED HIS WHAT??

Yet another alarming medical report from China.

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT THERE IS NO GREAT LITERATURE BEING WRITTEN ANY MORE

This blog can only shake its head.

ATTENTION, FEMA

We have a crisis.

MARTHA STEWART VS. A GUY

How Martha Stewart accessorizes a bathroom.

How a guy accessorizes a bathroom.

EXCITING MEDICAL REPORT FROM CHINA

Let us know what it says. We had to stop reading while we were still on the headline.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Spider Blood

THE WORLD IS IN EVEN WORSE SHAPE THAN WE THOUGHT

Here are its favorite songs. We can't believe some of the artists who did not make the the list.

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE PLANNING TO SHOOT OFF RATTLESNAKE HEADS WITH SHOTGUNS

Stand back.

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT NOBODY IS MAKING GOOD MUSIC WITH A MEANINGFUL MESSAGE ANY MORE

This blog has to laugh.

(Thanks Eric Ewanco)

THOSE WACKY CANADIANS

They're emasculating Glooscap of the Mi'kmaq.

(Thanks to William Cook)

FLORIDA: HOME OF THE WEIRD?

We report. You agree.

(Thanks to a bunch of people)

THOSE BASTARDS

Now they're using mice.

(Thanks to Anne August)

MUCH TOO MATURE

That is the reason no one connected with this blog will be blogging this item.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHY THIS BLOG LEAVES SQUID RESEARCH TO PROFESSIONALS

Key Quote:

They ground up some squid gonads, believing that the scent would drive male giant squids wild as the creatures migrated through New Zealand waters.

The hope was that a camera would squirt out the pureed genitals and a passing squid, driven into a sexual frenzy, would then mate with the lens -- a project that, some may be relieved to hear, never came to fruition.

Yes, we are aware that this quote contains several excellent names for rock bands.

(Thanks to William Dwayer)

FASCISM UPDATE

There will be no sitting!

(Thanks first to sct72)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Dan Frye)

WE DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE COMPLAINING

At least these elected officials can't make things worse.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVE

Trapped In The Toilet

SUUUUUUURE

According to this vital survey on what people do in the shower, "Men split their time daydreaming about sex (57%) and thinking about work (57%)." This tells us two things:
1. Men lie to survey-takers.
2. Survey-takers do not always have a solid understanding of mathematics.

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Quality Bull Semen.¹

(Thanks to queensbee)

¹which of course WBAGNFARB

FINALLY

A humane government ends a barbaric tradition.

(Thanks to Dan McDonald)

WHEN WOMEN WHINE TO THIS BLOG THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN ARE TAKEN

This blog responds: Oh yeah?

(Thanks to Claire "Catwoman" Martin)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

ATTENTION, PEOPLE THINKING OF GETTING MEDICAL TREATMENT AT DILKE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL. NEAR CINDERFORD (IN THE FOREST OF DEAN)

Think again.

And in other snake news, we have this story concerning a creature with "two independently thinking brains," which is more than can be said of, for example, Congress.

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST DARNED NATION ON THE WHOLE DARNED EARTH

Because we are undaunted. We have no daunts at ALL.

(Thanks to Paul A. Sand)

THE ULTIMATE GUY ART

And urinary-function¹ contest.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

¹iykwim

BLOG ITEM EXTRAORDINAIRE

It's a productivity enhancer of sorts, which should be popular with guys, with video and a perky news team.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, DIVERS

EMERGENCY. EVERYBODY TO GET FROM STREET SEA.

(Thanks to Jim Maiwurm)

QUESTION FOR WOMEN

So I am as usual in the airport, and I'm buying newspapers, and there on display at the counter is Cosmopolitan Magazine, and as usual the cover photo is of a woman dressed for the Senior Prom at Harlot State University, and as usual the articles listed on the cover are all about sex, as in "101 SEX TIPS!'"; "SEXY HAIR!"; "SEX UP YOUR GUM TISSUE!"; etc. So my question is: Do women really and truly think about sex that much? I mean, we know that guys do, but you can tell that from watching guys in real life. You cannot tell -- at least I cannot tell -- from watching women that they are thinking about sex all the time, but to judge from Cosmopolitan, which has been using the same cover successfully since the Civil War ("53 WAYS TO FIRM UP HIS MUSKET!") they are. So, women: What is the deal?

REMINDER

The auction for the autographed guitar to benefit Hurricane Katrina ends in 14 hours.

AN ILL WIND

If we want to prevent future hurricanes, perhaps we need help.

(Thanks to Trent Grant and Paul Roub)

ADVISORY TO THOSE IN B.C. WATERS

Get out.

PROMOTIONAL SLOGAN SUGGESTION

"Belfast -- A Great Place to Go"

PRETTY GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: The Squirrel-Proof Crocuses

PET OWNERS: DERANGED? OR COMPLETELY INSANE?

You make the call.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Never again.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF BANFF

 Watch where you step.

(Thanks to Jen Dorman)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Those little bastards.

(Thanks to Chris)

WAIT A MINUTE....

If this is worth $199 Canadian ($20.38 US), how much can we get for one with a marketable skill?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: ART IMITATES LIFE

But we're not sure they had this in mind.

HARD-TO-BELIEVE-IT'S-REAL STORY OF THE DAY

Key quote: "What's next in cornhole technology?"

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR=CBS MOVIE

Devil Ants from Hell

(Thanks to Claire Martin)