Dave Barry's Blog

TODAY'S SNAKE NEWS

We don't like the sound of this.

Most Troubling Quote: "Huge snakes are being produced in my farm and I'm selling those to the snake charmers from different parts of the country. But the country could earn huge foreign currency exporting venom after meeting local demand if I can collect the venom from snakes by using modern technology with a little bit of training."

A little bit of training?

FINALLY, A WORLD LEADER WHO IS UNAFRAID TO TAKE A STAND

Give it up for Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan.

(Thanks to Becky "Becky" Roser)

UPDATE: We just realized that Saparmurat Niyazov is Dan Ackroyd!

THE STATE OF AMERICAN EDUCATION TODAY

Ohio. (Brought to you by the bewildered but perky NewsNet5 news team)

(Thanks to Regan Wieland)

NEW YORK

Land of Troubled Brows

(Thanks to queensbee)

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG SOMEWHERE

When nuns are dirty dancing.

(Thanks to Larry Gainey)

WHEN BARBIE IS NOT ENOUGH

It's time to get serious.

(Thanks to bandmate and dominatrix Amy Tan)

WE HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS

I am cleaning the house. Vacuuming everywhere. I am using a small shop vac, and I notice some additional lint under the water bed, stuck to the sideboards. As I lift the sheets to see what's under there I kinda swing my head and my ponytail gets SUCKED UP INTO THE INTAKE AIR OF THE VAC'S MOTOR! The whole vacuum cleaner is NOW STUCK TO THE TOP OF MY HEAD. And I can't see it.

First thoughts: Fire? Unplug immediately! OK. Safe. But no one is home. I am on the floor on my hands and knees and can't get up 'cause the weight is too great. So I decide to separate the motor from the dirt storage container. I now can see a filter full of dog hairs, lint and whatever else out of the corner of my eye. UCK! Need to get outside! Immediately!

So I carry the vac out, still attached to the top of my head. I find a mirror and am trying to see where my hair went, and how much is gone. I notice some screws. Cool! I get the battery drill and start dismantling the vac. Off goes the plastic protection thing. Now there's a shaft with a bolt. Off goes all that. Soon I am down to the plastic protection for the motor. I manage to somehow separate it and now there's wires. UCK! So I get the wire clippers and start cutting. Off goes the cord. Off go all connections, but the motor is still stuck to my head.

Now what? Lubrication!! I get baby oil. Lots of baby oil and pour it in the motor, but my hair will not budge. Hair conditioner! I pour that on too, and my hair still will not budge. So? I need a fork. I can fork it out! Ha ha! No good either.

After one hour with my arms in the air over my head, they are starting to shake and I am thinking my hair is no longer so important. So off it goes with a razor. Now I have the motor in hand and I can see there was NO hope. So back to work. . . .except I now do not have a vac.

-- Doreen Komocar

CALIFORNIA FINALLY GETS SERIOUS ABOUT CATCHING THE ELUSIVE MYSTERY REPTILE

They're sending in the varsity, the team from Gatorland, one of Florida's great tourist attractions, where you can watch the amazing Gator Jumparoo, which features, as a climax, alligators lunging out of the water to snatch chicken carcasses off a wire while tourists frantically take video, not wanting to miss a moment of this natural wonder.

I don't know if this is still true, but: The last time I was at Gatorland, you could, after learning all about these fascinating creatures, go to the snack bar and (I am not making this up) eat them in the form of deep-fried gator nuggets. They taste like chicken.

But getting back to the mystery LA reptile: The story linked to above states that, if the Gatorland team captures the animal, it "will go back to live at Gatorland bearing an as-yet undetermined, Los Angeles city-related name." We're wondering what that name will be. Traffic congeston? Botox?  Jack Nicholson?

UPDATE: Here's a nice shot of the Gator Jumparoo.

UPDATE UPDATE: That gives me an idea: Maybe they could lure the mystery LA reptile by dangling a carcass over the lake. Would Paris Hilton be too skinny?

JUST WHAT WE NEED

More spiders.

DARN -- THE BLOG IS BACK

So there's no way we'll get away with posting this, is there?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS

There is trouble in Louth.

URGENT BREAKING BRITNEY SPEARS UPDATE

Ohmigod. OHMIGOD.

(Thanks to the Giant-Headed Scary Teeth Gossip Lady)

LUGGAGE UPDATE

My family and I finally made it home. Our luggage, however, did not. I've been on the phone, and I now have reason to believe that our luggage is in the possession of either Delta or American, and it is currently located in either Salt Lake City, Dallas, or Atlanta. Or Miami International Airport and Drug Smuggling Center. Or possibly our luggage never left Hailey, Idaho. At this point I don't care where it is, as long as it does not get anywhere near this guy's luggage.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using bathroom Barbies.

(Thanks to LabSpecimen)

TESTING

This is a test of the blog.

We are doing some really odd things here to see if they will work.

What "work" might mean is anyone's guess, at this point.

AIRLINE TRAVEL: AN OXYMORON?

I apologize for the minimal blogging, but today I'm trying to get from Hailey, Idaho, to Miami, Florida, by air -- a near-impossible feat under the best conditions -- and President Bush is trying to stop me. My flight from Hailey to Salt Lake City was delayed because the President flew to Salt Lake City, which meant the airport had to be shut down while his plane landed, so my flight got in late, so I missed my flight out, which meant I had to change airlines, which I did, but when I got on my next flight, the captain announced that the President now needed to take off, which meant that the whole airport was closed again, which meant we were late taking off, which meant I missed my next connection. So now I'm in Dallas (I think) trying to get on yet another plane, and if the President shows up here, I'll know it's personal.

I don't know what he was doing in Salt Lake City, but I hope it results, at minimum, in world peace.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY, HANDS DOWN

(Thanks to Amy)

IOWA: STATE OF MULLETS

This explains a lot.

(Thanks to just about everybody.)

ATTENTION, LADIES MEN LADIES PEOPLE OF INDETERMINATE ORIENTATION

Time to start your Christmas lists.

(Thanks to Matt Dana)

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

Sometimes they're huge.

(Thanks to Edward Strauss)

ANOTHER SIGN WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE POSTED IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS ACROSS THIS GREAT NATION

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FEDERAL LAW SHOULD REQUIRE THIS SIGN TO BE POSTED OVER EVERY URINAL IN THE NATION

(From The Blog in his travels.)

TODAY'S PEOPLE-ARE-ANNOYING BLOG ENTRY

People are annoyed by annoying people.

(Thanks to Amy)

UPDATE

We are not certain if this is a tortoise update or a cricket update, but it is definitely an update.

GATOR UPDATE

It's California; of course he's in therapy now.

We assume there's no need to mention that Defiant Alligator would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY

What doesn't kill you makes you faster.

(Thanks to Andy the tropichunt.com guy)

ATTENTION, MEN ABOUT TO POP THE QUESTION

You may want to reconsider the traditional but unexciting diamond ring.

WISCONSIN

Land of Wonder.

(Thanks to Amy)

NEW TERROR FRONT IN THE WAR ON DRUGS

Now the squirrels are getting involved.

(Thanks to DavCat)

TRULY AN UNEXPECTED HONOR

I recently got an email from a company offering to send me, for $159, a plaque in recognition of an achievement that I apparently achieved without being aware of it. The email included an illustration showing what my plaque would look like. I am not making this up:

TERROR STALKS SALT LAKE CITY

You are not safe anywhere.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO MIGHT WIN THE MISS POTOMAC NATIONALS COMPETITION

But we know she will never date this champion.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THE PERFECT MAN?

All that's missing is the mullet.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT BLOG ITEM

"Slightly less than I want to eat paté de foie gras."

(Thanks to Amy)

TODAY'S CRICKET UPDATE

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

(Thanks to ttbrian)

TORTOISES IN THE NEWS

Who knew there was such a thing as £30,000 worth of tortoises?¹

(Thanks to Collins69S)

¹We are very sorry the tortoises suffered, and some died. We realize this is not funny. However, we maintain that it is okay to have blogged the story because we have it on good authority that these particular tortoises do not have internet access.

ITEM WE ARE NOT GOING TO BLOG BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID OF GETTING "DESCRIPTIVE" BILLS FROM A COMPANY WHICH WE MAY OR MAY NOT DO BUSINESS WITH

Here it is.

(Thanks to queensbee)

"YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN" PHOTO CAPTION OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

AND ON THE ESCAPED-SNAKE FRONT

Sid is loose. But the Perky 69 News (yes, "69 News") Team is on the case.

BECAUSE IN YOUR HEART, YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

Here is today's Britney update, featuring both Moroccan brisket AND some kind of scary red mind-control unit.

AN ETHICAL QUESTION

I have a professor, who is quite possibly the nicest man I've ever met in my life, and will undoubtably play a huge role in getting me into grad school.  On the other hand, he looks like this:

http://www.davidson.edu/math/chartier/

Is it OK for us as students to make fun of his mullet?

-- Dilemma in Davidson

We'll defer to Mr. Aristotle-Gabr.

A NEW TWIST ON AN OLD SAYING

An elderly woman is worth two in the hand. Or something like that.

(Thanks to Andy, the tropichunt.com guy)

WHEN WE WANT THE FACTS ON IMPORTANT HEALTH ISSUES

We turn to experts.

(Thanks to Chris Cornell) (Wait a minute, that Chris Cornell?)

HOW RUMORS GET STARTED

We blame the media.

(Thanks to Jp)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I'm traveling, so blogging from me will be thin for a few days, he said vaguely. But rest assured that the blog is in good hands.

DOES TEXAS CARE ABOUT THE IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY?

You are darned tooting Texas does.

(Thanks to Boo Augustus)

THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE A LASSIE EPISODE, EXCEPT IT INVOLVES A RABBIT

"What's wrong, girl?"

(Thanks to Barbara Goldstein)

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS GUYS

Because guys are always meeting challenges that we didn't even know existed.

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

"WHO KNEW?" HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Lt. Woman)

MAYBE THEY NEED THEIR OWN PRESERVE

Smart cars find their place in the Circle of Life.

(Thanks to Betty Salwak)