Dave Barry's Blog

WHEW

So I went out to get some gasoline for the generator, which is mainly what I do, and when I got back, there was... A TRUCK! With electricity wranglers in it! They were from a power company in Charleston, South Carolina, and they GAVE US BACK OUR POWER. Were it not for the fact that we were all highly masculine men -- them with their truck, me with my manly generator -- I would have hugged them.

So except for the lingering odor of gasoline, our house is pretty much back to normal -- something that, unfortunately, cannot be said, and will not be said for a very long time, about those poor folks in coastal Louisiana and Mississippi. Thanks to all of you who've donated money and posted good information in the PLEASE HELP thread below. You are good people. If you haven't donated, and you can, please consider it. Thanks.

FLAT FOR RENT -- AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY

So we understand the explanation for how it got to Britain, but then what happened?

(Thanks to Julieta, and Russell Holly)

BLOGGING

Blogging will be sparse today, as The Blog has limited power, and the s.b. is loath to attempt humor on such a day. But perhaps certain things are inherently funny: The Noble Ostrich, for example.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

PLEASE HELP

If you've been reading the papers or watching the news, you know that many, many victims of Hurricane Katrina desperately need help. Here's a link to the American Red Cross site where you can make a donation. Feel free to post other useful links in the comments, as well as any information you can offer to folks looking for a way to do something for the victims.

Update: You can also call the Red Cross at all 1-800-HELP-NOW.

POWERLESSNESS, DAY SEVEN

We are, of course, the only house in our neighborhood still without power. Today I called an electrician, who came and squinted up at the wires. Then we had the same conversation I always have with guys who come to look at broken things:

HIM (pointing): You see that? That's your problem right there.

ME: See what?

HIM: That thing up there? Dangling down? To the left of the other thing?

ME: No.

HIM: Right below that curvy thing?

ME: No.

I can never see the thing they're pointing to. But basically, as I understand it, our top leg is hot. (I swear he said that.) But because of this other thing that I can't see, the dangling thing, we are not getting any volts or amperages into our actual house. The electrician says we need to have a person from Florida Power and Light come with a long pole and push the invisible dangling thing, and we will have electricity again. But the way things are going, that may not happen in my immediate lifetime.

Fortunately, our mail service has been uninterrupted, and we just received our electric bill.

SOME HEADLINES ARE TOO TASTELESS EVEN FOR THIS BLOG

This one, for example.

(Sent in by everybody on Earth)

CRIME IN THE MIDWEST

We suspect E.T.
Or Imelda Marcos.
Or J. Edgar Hoover.

(Thanks to Bjorn of the message board)

POWERLESSNESS

I apologize if this blog reeks of gasoline, but I've been refilling the generator tank. It's a pain, but I am not complaining, because without the generator, we would have no way to make a really loud noise right outside our kitchen window.

The generator has been running constantly for nearly a week now, so I worry about it. I listen to it the way you listen to the breathing of a sick child. Mostly it roars away, but every now and then it sort of coughs, making a noise that sounds like "whut," which makes me nervous. I have no idea how to fix a generator. All I know is it works via internal combustion, which has always struck me as an insane concept, all those explosions going on.

Anyway, when I am not pouring gasoline into the generator, I am out trying to find a place where I can buy gasoline for the generator. I just got some, and regret to report that gasoline now costs one million dollars. When I saw the total, I went, "Whut?"

LEADER OF THE PACK

"My folks were always putting him down..."

(Thanks to Mike Morrow)

MUST-SEE BASEBALL GAME OF THE YEAR

September 2, White Sox vs. Tigers. Everybody will be there.

(Thanks to Ty Jones)

AND STILL THE UNITED NATIONS DOES NOTHING

Tension mounts in California.

(Thanks to Octavia Sawyer)

A LINK FOR FLORIDA PARENTS WONDERING WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THEIR KIDS' SUMMERS

Right here.

TERRORIST ALLIGATORS UPDATE

You are not safe anywhere.

(Thanks to Karen Durkin)

DRAMA IN UTAH

If this is not a made-for-CBS movie, this blog does not know what is.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WELCOME HOME

So I finally get back to Miami, and I'm standing outside the airport in a loooooonnnng taxi line, and the temperature is of course 17,000 degrees, with the usual 3,467 percent humidity, and we're waiting and sweltering and no taxis are coming. So finally somebody asks the dispatcher what the deal is, and she says, "One of the taxis is on fire."

Anyway, eventually I got back to my house, which still has no electricity. I am blogging this by generator power, the same way Abraham Lincoln used to do his blog.

But I'm really, really glad to be home. To those in New Orleans and elsewhere in Katrina's path: Down here in Florida we are thinking about you. Take care.

LET IT NEVER BE SAID THAT THIS BLOG FAILS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE PUBLICATION OF GREAT WORLD LITERATURE

Example #93

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using jellyfish.

(Thanks to HGR219)

WHY THE BRITISH PEOPLE ALWAYS SOUND SO HIGH-BROW

They learn how to speak properly in school.

(Thanks to Chris)

THEY CALL IT ART UPDATE

(Thanks to James McCall)

URGENT BREAKING BRITNEY SPEARS BULLETIN

You read it here first.

Key Scientifically Questionable Quote: "Her moon is a female planet."

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY WE CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT SEASON OF 24

There is now a distinct possibility that Jack Bauer will shoot the thigh of a Hobbit.

CONVERSATION OVERHEARD VERY EARLY THIS MORNING BETWEEN A YOUNGISH WOMAN AND AN OLDER MAN ON A HOTEL SHUTTLE TO THE SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT

Youngish Woman: I love it when guys honk at me.

Older Man: Hell, at my age, I'm happy when a cab driver gives me the finger.

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE MTV AWARDS

Give it up for Li Yuchin, Mongolian Cow Yogurt Super Girl.

YET ANOTHER OTHER WHITE MEAT

Goat.

SNAKE MAN UPDATE

Next time this guy has a problem with the bank, he'll call customer service and wait on hold like everybody else.

FORGET NAVA AND THE THUNDERTECHS¹

ALL HAIL THE GODS OF ELECTRICITY.

¹Well, not forget, exactly, but... we can hail them another day.

(p.s. And think good thoughts for the folks in the New Orleans area.)

HALFTIME SCORE FROM LOS ANGELES

Gator 1, Wranglers 0

IDEA FOR A DRINKING GAME

OK, you watch this 24 marathon, and you drink a shot every time the evil genius terrorist Marwan easily evades the entire US security apparatus, or Jack Bauer shoots a suspected suspect in the thigh. Of course you'd pass out in the first 25 minutes. But that's the whole point.

(Thanks to Marvin the Paranoid Android)

UPDATE: SNAKES VS. HUMANS

They're still winning.

(Thanks to Andy the Tropic Hunt Guy)

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

We're off to the power-free north, so blogging from the s.b. will be minimal until the north becomes powerful again. But we leave you with this thought: Unclassified Maggots WBAGNFARB.

(Thanks to Jim Dunn)

CRAPCAM UPDATE

I found this company out here, and I really think it's an up-and-coming little outfit.

NEWS FROM GATOR LAKE

The gator's still free, but a couple of humans have been wrangled.

Explanatory Quote: Officers discovered three alligators, four piranhas, three desert tortoises, six tortoise eggs, one rattlesnake, a scorpion and marijuana.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE: Still more explanatory explanations, sent in by Scott Nedwick

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Reason Number 9

(Thanks to nicole the wonder nerd)

ONE CRISIS PASSES AND ANOTHER ONE FORMS OFF THE COAST OF GREAT BRITAIN

Bra Fears

(Thanks to Travis Williams)

FROM THE "GEE, THANKS" DEPARTMENT

Bryce Donovan, noting that Katrina was about to hit our coast as he sent in his submission, pointed out that "one can never be too careful about this."

CULTURAL NEWS HEADLINE

British Women Extraordinarily Stupid!
British Professors Even Dumber

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

KATRINA

The good news is, I'm fine. There's virtually no hurricane damage where I am. The bad news is, this is because I'm in California. I came here Thursday morning, when all the weather schmexperts were saying Katrina was not a big threat to South Florida. Of course the instant my plane took off, Katrina went from Tropical Storm Status to what meteorologists call Evil Demon Bitch Status, and aimed directly at my house.

So now I'm here in sunny California feeling awful. I am the world's worst husband and father. I am way below toilet scum, responsibility-wise. If toilet-scum cells could talk, they'd be saying, "We may live in a toilet, but at least we stick by our families in a hurricane."

The only good thing is that last year I bought a manly and studly generator, which Mrs. Blog got working this morning, which means our house has lights and refrigeration and -- most important -- filtration for the fish tank.

Anyway, I'm going to be focusing my efforts on calling home and feeling guilty, so blogging from me will be light. I just spoke to judi, and she's also without power, so she's going to try to get to the Miami Herald, not so much so she can work, but so she can have air conditioning. But basically everybody is fine. Although some of us are reprehensible.

To those of you out there who are affected by Katrina: Hope you're OK, and with your families.   

HURRICANE KATRINA UPDATE

It's looking bad.

TODAY'S URGENT BREAKING BULLETIN BRITNEY SPEARS UPDATE

Kevin has a sort of job!

HURRICANE UPDATE

Wouldn't Katrina and the Waves be a good name for a rock band?

GRATUITOUS NUDITY-RELATED POST OF THE DAY

Via Gizmodo.

(Thanks to Wes Crago)

FASCINATING FACT ABOUT CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

Malaysian men have huge buttocks.

(Thanks to queensbee)

THE KIND OF MAIL WE LIKE TO SEE

An offer from the folks at the (not its real name) MontpelierTwo small business™ Fisa Dilithium card:

Dave Barry,

Put Judi Smith on our no-annual-fee rewards card.

Who are we to argue with a direct order from MontpelierTwo?

YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHY THIS WILL ALWAYS BE THE LAND OF THE FREE

...and the home of the brave.

(Via Gizmodo)

EVEN FOR THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT, THIS IS LOW

Now they're using parakeets.

(Thanks to Eleanor)

OK, HELP ME OUT HERE

Is this thing going to hit my house?

Update: This is more helpful.

THOSE WILD AND WACKY CANADIANS

They are completely  out of control.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MOST FASCINATING OPENING SENTENCE OF A NEWS STORY YOU ARE LIKELY TO READ TODAY

Right here.

(Via Mr. James Lileks)

ATTENTION, PARENTS OF INFANTS

If your infant is not wearing this, you are vermin scum. That is all.

(Via Gizmodo)

URGENT BRITNEY SPEARS BULLETIN UPDATE

According to our sources, Britney's husband -- or one of Britney's husbands, anyway -- has been seen carrying a book.