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July 28, 2005

WOMEN AND TOILETS

It's not a pretty picture.

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Uh-oh, an article about women who "hover".

*dons flame retardent material and prepares for the judi explosion*

First! (After all, I don't want my comment touching the same blog as any previous comments.)

I'm just going to hover to make my comment.

Maybe there's a cultural difference or something, but 22% seems awfully low. None of the women I work with ever sit on any toilet other than their own at home.
I feel like I started a discussion like this a few months back. At least now my views are more justified. That and I am thrilled to know someone got paid for doing research I could have told you about for free.

So I read this article, and I'm like, well, so what? Is this article funny only because it mentions toilets? Where's the booger humor?

I just don't get it...

Alex, if you need a witness to your "firstness" let me know. I saw the blog with one comment, and it was yours. I think Elle went through the time warp to post.

As for the underlying story, I am confident that my employer will continue to provide me adequate and sanitary facilities where I may sit down with no fear and pee in a vase, if I need to.

And yet men continue to pee in troughs without a second thought. (And yes, they're still out there. I think there's one in a hidden corner of Fenway Park somewhere.)

A.N.
I'm with you - now, if the toilet had been on fire, well that would have been funny. Unless, of course, someone had been sitting on it, in which case it would have been HILARIOUS.

(dun dunna duh)

This looks like a job for:

Johnny Urinalcakes!

What exactly is an "professional Australian woman"?

a hiaku

pee, a pubic hair
unimaginable gunk
I am hovering

another

everything nice
like sugar and spice, so
what's the deal, ladies?

one for the guys

four beers in, must go
careful now, avoid splash-back
my aim, uncertain

All the males commenting - I challenge you this.

Go into a women's restroom in a public movie theater. (You may want to dress the part to avoid official-looking escorts with pretty bracelets. Take pictures, even, I'm sure the blog would be happy to use this article and its comments as a means to conduct field research of its own.)

If you can enter a women's restroom, report the following observations:

How many toilets have been bathed in a sufficient quantity of urine that they are warm to the touch? How many have not been flushed? How many solid segements of human waste litter the floor around the toilets? How many fragmented segments?

Now report the same findings in the men's room. Compare and constrast.

I don't know what the problem is, but (very specifically, as I have only observed this behavior there) movie theater bathrooms defy my understanding of hovering. I have NO IDEA how you can hover over a toilet and have a bowel movement at the same time, let alone having it land outside of the large bowl your butt is thrust over. Maybe everyone is teetering so much with the strain of having to crouch for that long that they fall over? Ladies? Any theories?

*turns on urinalcake signal*

It's more funny to guys because we have these completely incorrect views of women as being dainty and considerate of others. It's funny (to us) to think about women letting their waste-matter go all over the toilet seat and floor and then just leave it there. Especially after we get such grief for having errant shots ourselves.

Now, the enterprising young lad that I am, I think I ought to redesign the public toilet so that it would be more comfortable for "squatters." I'll keep you all posted.

I think this woman has it a bit backwards.

All the males commenting - I challenge you this.

Go into a women's restroom in a public movie theater. (You may want to dress the part to avoid official-looking escorts with pretty bracelets. Take pictures, even, I'm sure the blog would be happy to use this article and its comments as a means to conduct field research of its own.)

If you can enter a women's restroom, report the following observations:

How many toilets have been bathed in a sufficient quantity of urine that they are warm to the touch? How many have not been flushed? How many solid segements of human waste litter the floor around the toilets? How many fragmented segments?

Now report the same findings in the men's room. Compare and constrast.

I don't know what the problem is, but (very specifically, as I have only observed this behavior there) movie theater bathrooms defy my understanding of hovering. I have NO IDEA how you can hover over a toilet and have a bowel movement at the same time, let alone having it land outside of the large bowl your butt is thrust over. Maybe everyone is teetering so much with the strain of having to crouch for that long that they fall over? Ladies? Any theories?

It's no wonder then, they should be more careful . . .

Jeff- thank you for the clarification. And if Judi wishes to take issue with the nastiness of women in public restrooms, or with the nastiness of public restrooms, she's in good company. However, I won't go into detail. This is, after all, a humor blog.

BOOGER!!!

bilge: EXACTLY. and you just KNOW that these hover-peers bitch and moan all day if their significant males leave the seat up...or leave it down and miss. THEIR s*** don't stink (and their pee ain't wet), just everyone else's, iykwim.

*peeks around corner to see if judi is done exploding*

*guesses not*

*hides*

jill - I've not met with the same unpleasantness that you have, but I tend to think that perhaps many of these, uh, messes were made by small, squirming children whose mothers were too frazzled and inconsiderate to clean up after their kids. And if I were the employee who had to clean the restrooms, I'd apply for hazard-duty pay.

...or would that be hazard-dooty pay?

Isn't this a chicken and egg kind of thing? Women won't sit on the seat because it's potentially covered in...well, other women's urine splashing, etc. If they'd all just sit down, then the problem wouldn't arise in the first place. Mind you, now that I know that women "hover" over most toilets other than those in their own home, it sheds a new light on the state of toilets in unisex washrooms. Alsom do women hover over toilets when they go to frineds' houses? Really. Thank goodness I'm a guy and can retreat to the hover-free sanctity and cleanliness of a men's toilet.

As a member of a fraternity that has frequent parties, I believe I am especially qualified to comment on nasty bathrooms. We have both a men's and a women's bathroom, and I have been in to clean up them both. The men's bathroom always has more general dirt and grime. But the women's always has something that none of us can a) explain, b) identify, or c) recollect ever seeing before. There's always just the one little facet of unbelieveable nastiness that not only disgusts us, but also completely befuddles us. Not only is it nothing we've ever seen before, it's NEVER THE SAME THING TWICE. It's like women are sitting around trying to think of "what are we going to do to them this week?"

Oh, and we're not supposed to clean it up, because it's (presumably) bodily fluids, but if we don't, we get fined. Ah, well, that's what pledges are for, I suppose...

Once, the president of our school (who everybody loves and gets along with), walked into our fraternity, just in time to hear me exclaim, "Now, just what the F*CK is THAT?!"

Let me tell you how much I appreciated the "woman's touch" THAT day...

gfunk - actually, pledges are for dusting furniture. To clean bathrooms, you should use your 409's or your Lysol's. No wonder you're (not your or yore) befuddled.

Odd Ditty - no, most women I know do not hover over their friends' toilets, for nice, logical, male-comprehensible reasons.

One, you don't hover over your own toilet. You pretty much know where that toilet seat has been.

Two, you know when you go to a friend's house that that is their toilet, so the first rule applies - they have likely not hovered over their own toilet, so all bodily waste has gone to the right place, therefore it shouldn't be covered in urine.

Three, you (should) know your friends' general hygeniene habits as far as the fact that they don't smell funny, scratch themselves excessively, etc. I can't imagine that THAT many women hover over a clean (with no visible drops of urine or unknown gummy substances) toilet seat in fear of fungus or anything else creepy. It's really your cheeks touching the seat, so short of physically visible substances or bugs on the seat, you're set.

Aunt Nancy...funny!!!!

*thinks*

Dust Furniture? People do that?

*looks around bachelor pad*

You make me giggle, Aunt Nancy. Well played.

But actually a 409 or a Lysol isn't nearly strong enough to deal with a frat house. We have what we call "the hiv spray" (hiv pronounced as an acronym, phonetically), which can kill and then remove anything on anything, including, (probably) skin on bone.

And bathrooms aren't the nastiest part of a frat house, either. That's right behind the bar, in an area we call "the swamp."

Gene Weingarten (discoverer of DB and good friend) has an online chat in the Wash.Post and this subject is frequently discussed. The majority of women who read and post on his chat do NOT hover and HATE women who do and make the toilet seat wet. I only read his chat because I would NEVER post anywhere else (fidelity in posting). I never knew until I learned it there how the toilet seat got wet. And in closing, I say:

WOMEN, SIT DOWN!!!

There has been considerable research into the phenomenon here within the "Industry." Generally, this behavior falls into what we know as Sanitarily Prejudiced Lavatory Avoidance Techniques, or SPLAT. And, as bilge alluded to, much of the research is performed by grass-roots observers in the field.

It must be noted that portable toilets create a much higher incidence of SPLAT and carry with them a significantly higher observational difficulty rating. Be sure to have a good story ready, like you dropped the cure to cancer written on a Chile's napkin into the excrement vessel.

Many Industry experts believe that high incidents of SPLAT, those above 25%, should be monitored closely and often are manifested as symptoms of greater social unrest. It is known that SPLAT levels reached 38% in France in the Spring of 1789 and in January of 1917 in Russia, SPLAT levels exceeding 50% were recorded. So, it is with an eye to social responsibility that we urge our field observers to keep a keen watch on Australia SPLAT.

JU

Just a couple things:
Maybe you could identify the hoverers by the tremendous thigh muscles they must develop over time.

Also, I have noticed, the more that a person is paranoid about germs and cleanliness, the more they trash the place. Hovering is a great example, but also those people who won't touch anything, even door handles and wind up throwing their tissue or whatever on the floor.

I think next time I see one of these people, I am just going to walk up and give them a great big hug. For maximum effect I should have a cold at the time.

I work for a pediatric hospital in Boston, we have a section that has single seat bathrooms that are unisex. There is a woman that works on my floor that twice I have been the next person in the bathroom after her and had to wipe up after her and also flush for her. The first time I gave her the benefit of the doubt and maybe it was already dirty and she left before "going" but the second time she left the room washing her hands and adjusting her skirt. This is why I carry Lysol and hand sanitizer with me.

And for the record. I lift the toilet seat with my shoe before number one and clean the seat off before number two, as well as wiping it down after. Of course my wife laughs at my flushing with my foot. Apparently she thinks that is a "chick "thing.

i just want to say that i'm relieved there were no pictures with that article.

Only five per cent said their offices provided a bactericide spray or wipe to ensure hygiene.
Seventy-two per cent said their offices prohited the use of flamethrowers as an alternate form of sterilization. Thirty-three per cent said they were tired of statistics majors hanging around the loo taking notes. Seventeen per cent said they often hid in an adjacent closet with an airhorn to shock and stop hover-peers from making a mess. Half of that seventeen per cent said they kept a cellphone at the ready to report a coronary attack caused by the shock of the airhorn; the remainder waited until they returned to their desks to call emergency personnel.

MOTW, I would think that if your goal is to avoid mess, startling a hovering pee-er would be exactly the wrong thing to do.

tee hee! crossgirl said "relieved"

RE: the current thread - as a child, I remember going shopping with my grandmother, and whenever we went into the restroom she always covered the seat with toilet paper before she'd let me sit down. I still use that trick.

Then there was the incident where we went into a restroom in an upscale department store. There were two women in there talking loudly and smoking and being general pains in the butt. We walked in, and Grandma said, "Well, this must not be the ladies restroom" and we left to find a better restroom. What a lady, my grandmother.

Look in the pisser everyone!

"It's a bird!"

no.

"It's a plane!"

no.

"It's a pube?"

Well, maybe.

but, no.

It's Johnny Urinalcakes! He's come to the rescue! He saved the be day! Thanks Johnny! You're my hero!

*flush*

To JohnnyUrinalcakes:

Also, there is a similar phenomenom labeled SPEW, standing for Serious Peripheral Extraneous Wetness. This occurs when those of us brave enough to sit have to go so bad that the "spray" elevates above the seat. Since this phenomenon (try to type THAT at 80wpm) mainly occurs (at least with me) after the consumption of several carbonated hops-based beverages, the perpetrator (or pee-pee-trator) rarely remains behind to clean it up. Closely related to SPEW is PNGPOTS (Post-Nookie Gross Pee on Toilet Seat). I will not explain this phenomenon but allow the women (who should know what this is and why) on this wonderful blog to nod knowingly.

sort of on topic, but not quite, i just have to say that every time i see prairie dog post, i think of that scene in the movie rat race. i'm sorry, i can't help it!

**REALLY OFF TOPIC...sorry**

I wouldn't ask, but I figure this is the only shot I've got at figuring out an answer to my question.

When Rob Barry was seven, (and Dave had just turned 41 'on a sunday in July') there was an article that I can quote pretty much verbatim because my friends preformed it for a forensics piece (public speaking competition). It was titled "The Web Badge of Courage" and entailed the valiant battle that pitted Dave and Rob and The Spiders named Bernice and Bernice's Husband, which ended with Bernice on the Drug Dealer's yard and Rob and Dave going shopping for Dave's Birthday Present at Toys 'R' Us.

I know it appeared in one of his books, but I can't find the darn thing. Eventually, I hope to get my grubby paws on an audiobook-type tape of it and give it to my friend as a birthday present. Help!

Thanks you guys.
Maureen

**BACK ON TOPIC**

I clean toliets regularly at my job as a slave to fast food, and I can honestly say that I don't use public facilities unless I absolutely have to. People are GROSS!!

Shouldn't hover peers just raise the seat? Doesn't that fix the problem?

Oh, there I go again, being logical.

MOTW: Loved the airhorn!

*honk!*

Maureen, I know the column. e-mailing judi now ;)

yes lab spec., they *should* lift the seat, but if they won't touch it with their butts, they certainly won't touch it with their hands. apparantly they haven't learned minsc and boo's foot trick.

Belated ‘Hmmmm...’

… I don't mean to accuse anyone on this blog of *hovering*. What I am saying is, if you're a person who *hovers* or does other strange things to avoid bacterial contact in *most* bathrooms, yet you also comfortably use a computer or phone at home or work, that you're a booger-eating hypocrite. And I don’t mean ‘hypocrite’ in a bad way; I just mean it as the truth.

Conversely, I’m not suggesting that anyone should ever crawl into a holding tank in a women’s outhouse under the pretense that they are looking for their wedding ring. There is is a line, and that’s way past it.

HOVERING IS ABSURD! you actually spread more germs that way by spraying urine all over the place. you are unlikely to catch any disease on your thighs! get real! (and yes, I am a woman).

I HATE hover pee-ers!! They should all be summarily shot. With balloons filled with pee.

This is why I always carry a disposable cat to sit on for when I have to use a woman's restroom.

Also, after the first time, I took to carrying a disposable cat tranquilizer gun.

maureen: it's in "dave barry talks back" approximately page 243.

Judi rocks! a little as she's getting up from the potty, but c'mon, I mean, who doesn't?

That was rude, crude and totally unacceptable.

Judi, I am embarrassed.

and I will be right here awaitin a floggin proper.....

*nods knowingly*

OK, no one has mentioned this and it may be be because this is peculiarly West Coast-ish, but why would you feel safer using a piece of tissue paper to protect your butt ?

Lab -
Go to your room. 30 minute time-out for misuse, abuse and overuse of logic.

OK... here's my technique...

1. open door to ladies' room with paper towel.
2. throw away paper towel - open door to stall with new paper towel, close door w/towel, toss towel.
3. assume the squat position.
4. use toilet tissue to flush toilet, toss tissue.
5. use new toilet tissue to open stall door.
6. wash hands.
7. use paper towel to open ladies' room door.

After all that, I go back to my office where 200 other germ-infested fingers have touched the copy machine buttons.

at least leetie got it. *snork* snif!

at least leetie got it. *snork* snif!

dangit sorry for the double post *cringe*

dialtone - the reasons for putting tissue between your bottom and the toilet seat are: 1) if there's liquid residue, the paper soaks it up, and you can pick up the dry part of the paper and discard it and 2) the tissue provides a barrier between yourself and the little germies on the seat. At least that's what Grandma told me when I was five and complaining about the tissue on the seat.

Aren't grandmothers wonderfully wise people? BTW, this is the same grandmother who, several threads ago, was credited with making the world's greatest homemade donuts.

At work early one morning...hadda pee...went into ladies' room...opened stall door...
SEAT WAS UP! I looked around and said 'What the f@ck!??'... before realizing I was the first one in there after the cleaning crew...

I agree with Jill. Women are disgusting in the bathroom. I put up with it and hover, but my 20-year-old daughter once found another solution: She and I were waiting in line to use the restroom. A lady came out of a stall. My daughter went in, immediately came out, walked over to the lady and demanded that she clean up the pee she left on the seat. The lady was mortified. I'm so proud.

One more thing. If you are going to hover, why not put the seat up? That way, you are not peeing on the seat? Guys have to do that - why not women - we obviously don't aim any better than they do.

but dee, you start out by saying you hover... how do you keep from contributing to the problem?

judi - check your e-mail, PLEASE

I put the seat up to keep from splashing on the seat - and then put it back down for others. If I do sit, I put some paper down. I would never leave the bathroom with stuff splashed around. YUK!

I put the seat up to keep from splashing on the seat - and then put it back down for others. If I do sit, I put some paper down. I would never leave the bathroom with stuff splashed around. YUK!

Argh...sorry

Thank you Judi and djtonyb!! I am in awe of your vunderbar researching powers!!

Thank you Judi and djtonyb!! I am in awe of your vunderbar researching powers!!

Snif, you forgot to pee.

oh, and MOTW!

I am pleased to report that this thread has more than exceeded my "snork" expectations.

Totally hilarious:

elle.
Johnny Urinalcakes.
Mr. Fisher.
Seatazzz.

oh, and educational. But some things (*cough* Leetie *cough*) I didn't want to know.

oh, and MOTW!

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