TRAVEL UPDATE

If there's anything more fun than international air travel in the Age of Terrorism, I can't imagine what it is, except maybe having your prostate examined with a soldering iron.

Our goal yesterday was to get from Dublin to Miami via (cue scary music) London's Heathrow Airport . We got up at 3:45 a.m. In Dublin to make sure we would be on our 6:45 a.m. flight, which, if it arrived at Heathrow on time, would give us almost two hours to change planes.

But just when the airplane door was being closed in Dublin, a party of last-minute passengers arrived, and they were getting a lot of attention from the airline people. It turned out these passengers had been swapping bags around to avoid paying for extra bags, and then, after they checked in, not all of them got onto the plane. So we waited while that was sorted out, which meant the baggage handlers had to go back into the cargo hold and remove the bags belonging to the people who had not boarded. That took 30 minutes.

Then it was discovered that some of the people in this group who had boarded had brought carry-on bags belonging to people who had not boarded. So these bags had to be removed, and, to make sure they were all gone, the crew had to go through the entire plane and ask all the passengers to identify their carry-on bags. This took another 15 or 20 minutes.

By now we were nearly an hour late, and large Irish police officers were striding around our plane talking on walkie-talkies. Finally it was decided that all of the late-arriving group would have to removed from the plane and executed right on the tarmac.

No, sorry, that's what the rest of us passengers – almost all of whom needed to make connecting flights at Heathrow – wanted to happen to them. But they were, in fact, removed from the plane, at which point the captain announced that, unfortunately, now we all had to get off the plane, with our carry-ons, and stand in the jetway while police went through the plane and checked it, in case these people had left bombs or pieces of DNA that would transmit their toxic level of stupidity to others.

So we all got off the plane, and then we all got back onto the plane, and finally we took off, now about 90 minutes late. So when we got to Heathrow, we had about 30 minutes to get from Terminal One to Terminal Three and try to make our plane to Miami. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? Just two terminals away!

Except, of course, this was Heathrow. From Terminal One at Heathrow, it is easier to get to Scotland than to Terminal Three. You have to take buses, get in security queues, walk many kilometers, get in more buses, get in more queues, clean up Sophie after she threw up from all the running around without breakfast, walk many more kilometers, get in more queues, fight the three-headed dog from Harry Potter, etc.

So we missed our flight and spent a pleasant day waiting in more queues for a chance to get on our knees and kiss the feet of airline people in hopes that they would show us mercy and let us leave Heathrow in time for Sophie to attend college.

Finally, many hours later, we made it back to Miami. There is nothing quite like the feeling of walking into your own house after a long trip, and smelling the familiar smell of garbage that you forgot to take out before you left, a stench so powerful that even cockroaches flee from it. Home!

So anyway, I'm back, and I plan to resume blogging just as soon as I get caught up on everything, which should be, approximately, never.

p.s. update: If you are wondering where our luggage is at the moment, the answer is: Heathrow! We think.

Comments

[Bumble]

Poor Dave. First?

[Bumble]

Glad you're home safe. Although I hear tell safe in Miami is something of a contradiction in terms...

[Reddsuss]

Glad you made it. Welcome home.

[GDogg]

Ugh. My condolences.

[GDogg]

Ugh. My condolences.

[Amy]

My kids were famous for vomiting on trips.

Our family has many stories; stories we love to retell to entertain potential boyfriends. This provides the group much merriment, with the exception of my daughters who have no sense of humor at all. Go figure.

Sometimes I was lucky enough to catch a few precipitous dry heaves before the spew.

[teleologist]

when i left dublin, a freak snowstorm (in october) came up between the time we pulled away from the gate and headed for the runway - we ended up sitting on the tarmac for seven and a half hours because the airline's only de-icing machine was broken and it took that long for another airline to have mercy on us and let us borrow it. Meanwhile, we were all willing to go outside to use our credit cards as ice scrapers, but we could not get off the plane because we were - get this - 20 feet away from the gate and customs wouldn't give us clearance to return. Ah, Dublin...

[MOTW]

To Heathrow, to Heathrow
A throwing up gig
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

To Miami, Miami
Return to the blog
Home again, home again, jiggety jog.

Welcome home, Pearsons and Barrys.
\(^o^)/

[MOTW]

To Heathrow, to Heathrow
A throwing up gig
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

To Miami, Miami
Return to the blog
Home again, home again, jiggety jog.

Welcome home, Pearsons and Barrys.
\(^o^)/

[VictoriaE77]

Welcome back. We missed you!

Who needs a newspaper column when you can write one here?

It's almost like having you back...

So, where's our new book? Are you finished writing it yet?

[OriginalEnigma]

good morning dave & welcome home!

say hi to emily for me.

[Sondra]

So glad you're safe. Welcome home!

[queensbee]

welcome home barry family. and of course all the nice peeps in this world have to pay with their time and sometimes money, for the idjits, and the terrorists. but at least you didnt get hurricane damage. so kick back, and fix your jetlag, and keep on keepin on...

[Josh]

Welcome home Dave! So glad you made it. We're looking forward to seeing the results of this 'fact-finding trip' to London soon.

[Dave]

Did I mention that our bags are still in London? No? Well, they are.

[funniegrrl]

Poor Dave! You didn't need all those clothes and souvineers and things anyway, did you? Did you?

[VictoriaE77]

Seriously?

And how did that not make it into the above post?

[MOTW]

... at lease, that's what they told you ...

[MOTW]

... at lease, that's what they told you ...

[Leetie]

I do hope those last-minute people were executed. Poor Barrys and Pearsons.

[teeandesser]

having just returned a few weeks ago from a jaunt in ireland and england myself, i have to agree with dave on what can only be described as the worst airport experiences in my life.

and dave, i'm sorry... but i was in a big group of college students (21 of us!) and there were 17 girls... so you can imagine that a 20 kilo limit had most of us acting like that group you complained about ("kathleen's only weighs 14 kilos! give her your books and belts!"). but that mostly involved entirely unpacking and repacking every single suitcase in the middle of the dublin airport. we didn't actually make anyone LATE.

glad to hear you got home safely... with or without your luggage.

[Jacki]

Loved the post. At least you're home without your bags. On my trip to Ireland, my suitcase took its own vacation to Puerto Rico. This was in 2000, so thankfully no one blew it up or anything. You can get some pretty decent clothes at the charity thrift stores in Drogheda.

Did you notice that Emily is acting a bit strange? Seems she plans to miss your house entirely!

[Dr Acula]

As a Londoner, I deeply apologise for the nightmare that is Heathrow. We all suffer with you. But your experience is as nothing compared to what you will go through when you have to transfer from Terminal 1 to the new Terminal 5, which is in Wales.
It reminded me of the last time I had to pass through Miami en route to the Caribbean. Although we were not staying on US territory, we had to queue for security and immigration, and queue again to get back out. And we had paid to use a lounge, but couldn't get to it because it would have meant re-entering the US and two more security queues.

[snif]

A welcome home haiku:

Bags still in London,
along with precious Flo-be
and all my blue shirts

[Eleanor]

Welcome back!!!!!

Don't worry about your luggage - you're rich! Just go buy some new blue shirts!! (And real clothes for the rest of your family!)

[Dr Acula]

As a Londoner, I deeply apologise for the nightmare that is Heathrow. We all suffer with you. But your experience is as nothing compared to what you will go through when you have to transfer from Terminal 1 to the new Terminal 5, which is in Wales.
It reminded me of the last time I had to pass through Miami en route to the Caribbean. Although we were not staying on US territory, we had to queue for security and immigration, and queue again to get back out. And we had paid to use a lounge, but couldn't get to it because it would have meant re-entering the US and two more security queues.

[insomniac]

Just think, Dave's bags are causing flight delays even now... or they're in a Lost and Found with the Holy Grail, the Maltese Falcon, and Amelia Earhart's carry-ons.

[Tamara]

As a young woman with...a preschooler of her own, I am compelled to post: Aww, poor Sophie!

And RE: the luggage, I just hope upon all that is holy that there were no Extra Special One-Of-A-Kind Emotional Support Stuffed Animals packed into the luggage which you will not be seeing again for some time.

Maybe you should have encouraged Sophie to launch a technicolor yawn on the bag-swappers.

[PollyPI]

Did you drop in for a spot of tea and crumpets with J.K. Rowling while you were out that way, Dave?

[Lori L.]

Dave, I understand that you were in the midst of London during the attacks there. I know this because you were quoted on the NPR radio show "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me!" as saying that the BBC reporters seemed to be less excitable concerning their national tragedy than American anchors got about the Michael Jackson verdict. Bravo, ain't it so?

I don't need to tell you this--after all, you are married to a nice Jewish lady--but ALWAYS pack emergency food when you travel with kids. A mushed-up cereal bar at the bottom of the purse can seem like manna from heaven when the little one is famished. And a little juice box, for extra points.

Welcome home...from terrorists to hurricanes! Are you bad luck?

[Joyce]

Welcome home, Dave! Been through Heathrow many times. You should try it at Christmastime!

[Lori L.]

Dave, I understand that you were in the midst of London during the attacks there. I know this because you were quoted on the NPR radio show "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me!" as saying that the BBC reporters seemed to be less excitable concerning their national tragedy than American anchors got about the Michael Jackson verdict. Bravo, ain't it so?

I don't need to tell you this--after all, you are married to a nice Jewish lady--but ALWAYS pack emergency food when you travel with kids. A mushed-up cereal bar at the bottom of the purse can seem like manna from heaven when the little one is famished. And a little juice box, for extra points.

Welcome home...from terrorists to hurricanes! Are you bad luck?

[Patrick O'Leary]

Ha! Back in May, when we flew Atlanta-London Gatwick-Pisa to start our school trip, we were scheduled to have a 5h 30' layover at Gatwick. Our luggage got nifty "LONG CONNECTION AT LGW" tags, you know, the works.

Our flight was then delayed 30 minutes, and even then, British Airways managed to lose one of our bags, finally returned something like a week later.

Also, the Gatwick terminals are a miniature version of hell. Of course I've never been to Heathrow and have wasted about eight hours of my life at Gatwick, so I might be biased.

[Lori L.]

Dave, I understand that you were in the midst of London during the attacks there. I know this because you were quoted on the NPR radio show "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me!" as saying that the BBC reporters seemed to be less excitable concerning their national tragedy than American anchors got about the Michael Jackson verdict. Bravo, ain't it so?

I don't need to tell you this--after all, you are married to a nice Jewish lady--but ALWAYS pack emergency food when you travel with kids. A mushed-up cereal bar at the bottom of the purse can seem like manna from heaven when the little one is famished. And a little juice box, for extra points.

Welcome home...from terrorists to hurricanes! Are you bad luck?

[BigAl]

Dave, My deepest sympathy. Heathrow airport is dreadful, and I use it around 20 times a year to fly to various parts of the globe. In fact, one of my cases is now an exhibit at the "unknown carousel", where it glides, day and night, in stately splendour past no-one at all.

I use a lot of airports. Alas, all of them have queues and snooty staff. I discovered the other day that all the check-in staff have a secret communication system on their computers. Instead of finding you a seat with legroom (sorry sir, all our adult-size seats are taken), they send each other instant messages like "Can you see the idiot in front of me - looks like he's wearing that shirt for the fifth day in a row", or "Who gets first go at peeking in their luggage in the warehouse?".

I once made my biggest ever mistake in Miami, but that's another story...

[Brendan H]

Hey look on the bright side... Your home just in time for Hurricane season! I am already stocking up on bleach and plywood. (another Floridian)

[VictoriaE77]

PollyPI ~ If he did, I hope he gave her hell for what she did in this last book.

I'm a little upset with her right now.

[Teri]

Heathrow? Gatwick? Actually, they both stack up nicely against the likes of Orly, LAX, San Juan, Athens and Rome. Come to think of it, the only good thing about any airport is the duty free shop!

[Brendan Haggerty]

Hey look on the bright side... Your home just in time for Hurricane season! I am already stocking up on bleach and plywood. (another Floridian)

[Sondra]

My parents once flew from Houston to Nashville. Their lugguge went to China. They got it back TWO YEARS later. Good luck!

[Kimberley Heitman]

Of all the airports I've seen, Heathrow and Gatwick are the only ones that have signs warning patrons that it is illegal to abuse their staff. This is a typical British response to the complaints of many unhappy passengers whose airlines booked them a Heathrow transfer. Naturally the British assume that people complain because they are hot-blooded foreigners, rather than as a consequence of dehydration and hours of queueing.

However, I was sorry to see Dave swallow the line that the late passengers caused all 90 minutes of delay. The mind-numbing luggage security causes lots of delays, but didn't stop British Airways losing my luggage for three days (seasoned travellers will sense a Heathrow influence here).

Is there anyone here who has ever been on a flight that left on time and landed on time, with movies working and leftovers from the meal service?

[Mark Serbian]

It's not for nothing that Douglas Adams said that there is no phrase in any language on the planet that translates to "as beautiful as an airport". He wrote that at Heathrow, I'm sure...

Welcome home, Dave. Duck!

[Someplace Else]

Kimberley ~ left ontime, arrived early. All luggage arrived at the same destination along with the plane. Tv's in seats were fully functional, and the corn chips were yummy.
Course I also had some sasquatch lookin dude next to me and trying to drool on my shoulder as he slept, but you can't have everything eh?

[Infidel Barbie]

I take people to airports every day because I own a limo service in both South Florida AND SE Virgina. I am obviously a glutton for punishment, but the management of Miami International is so pathetic that I and my company are currently SUING them in federal court! Always a pleasure to read anything that either you or Carl Hiaasen writes!
Teri Davis
Dependable Limos and Taxis
www.dependablelimos.com

[Infidel Barbie]

I take people to airports every day because I own a limo service in both South Florida AND SE Virgina. I am obviously a glutton for punishment, but the management of Miami International is so pathetic that I and my company are currently SUING them in federal court! Always a pleasure to read anything that either you or Carl Hiaasen writes!
Teri Davis
Dependable Limos and Taxis
www.dependablelimos.com

[isirota1965]

Welcome back, Mr. Barry. It could have been worse, you know. You could have been flying through the aviation nightmare otherwise known as Philadelphia International Airport (the fifth in Dante's seven levels of hell.......).

[Graz]

They should have taken a vote of the passengers on what to do to the offending bag swappers.

I'm sure that you all would have been forgiving and had them shot, then drawn and quartered instead of dran and quartered and then shot.

[GAINclean]

Your work is great. One evening I could not stop laughing in front of a crowd of partiers while reading one of your books in my privacy. You should have seen the look on their faces the next time I saw them. All because driving in the midst of other minds there in Miami as described by you is digitally descriptive, to say the least. I must make a legal note here, this Emily does not act, she behaves. Looking forward to more enjoyable reading.

[Skip]

As a former resident of both the UK and Miami (born/raised in FL)glad to see that airports, as many other historical places and buildings, do not change. And I fought Heathrow and Heathrow won in the 80's.

[Bill Klos]

Had the opportunity to go to our brand, spanking new Terminal One at the Toronto International Aiport - way up here in Canada, a.k.a. The Great White North. And I found that things actually worked!
By the way, the temperature outside the terminal was about 36 degrees C. (which, if I remember, is about 245 degrees F.
Anyway, come up visit us sometime. I think you'll like our new Termianl.

[Bill Klos]

Had the opportunity to go to our brand, spanking new Terminal One at the Toronto International Aiport - way up here in Canada, a.k.a. The Great White North. And I found that things actually worked!
By the way, the temperature outside the terminal was about 36 degrees C. (which, if I remember, is about 245 degrees F.
Anyway, come up visit us sometime. I think you'll like our new Termianl.

[Stuart]

Like you, one of my most miserable travel experiences began at the Dublin airport, where my flight to London (continuing on to Rome) was delayed nearly 4 hours. Thinking myself the epitome of travel-smartness (a quality which, I painfully learned, includes NOT using RyanAir), I had arranged for a five hour layover in London to avoid any mishaps with connecting flights. Long-story short, I missed my connecting flight,which, of course, was the last one of the day; dropped an extra 40 pounds on a new flight in the morning; and spent a very cold, very sleepless night in Stansted Airport -- which, despite its puported association with London, is apparently located somewhere in France -- spending my remaining pound coins on wine-flavored(???) gummies and the occasional, borderline-crying attempt to contact anyone who might have, at some point in their lives, felt compassion. By the time 6 AM rolled around, my back hurt, I was close to vomiting, and had placed an undoubtedly expensive collect call to, of all people, my grandparents. Bet they enjoyed that phone bill.

[reneviht]

Teri Davis: You should change the name of your company to your blog handle."Thank you for calling Infidel Barbie. Would you like to reserve a limo?And maybe then change your company to a rock band.

[Doug Crumpler]

My family and I just returned from 4 weeks in Australia and we had the heightened security at Australian airports and the infamous LAX airport ineptitude. Qantas was 4.5 hours leaving so we missed all American connections for the day to Fort Lauderdale, but we could wait until 11:30PM and arrive in MIA at 5:30 the next morning! This is after a 15 hour non stop from Australia.
And the hits just keep on coming!
We should be awake for normal activity by August!

[Jim Chorn]

I am amazed that for the sake of a few insecure cry babies it now takes more time to get thru security to get on an aircraft than to actually travel to your destination. So now we have an average on-time flight rate of 83% (dot.gov).
1 out of 5 flights are delayed. And when is the last time a terrorist was caught by this increased insecurity? I was in Atlanta when the lighter rule went into affect. Just to get to security was an hour queue. And I imagine the janitors cleaned up that day. There must have been thousands of lighters thrown on the floor from people worried they would be delayed further by being accused of being a shoe bomber because they had a cigarette lighter on their person.
I wonder what the next insanity will bring. Surely it will cause bitter sweet laughter.

[Ivan]

Hope you didn't forget to bring home several boxes of that serious Irish breakfast tea - Barry's Gold. When the luggage arrives let me know and I'll be right over.

And as for air travel sports fans how about St. Petersburg, Russia to Fort Myers via Paris DeGaulle (defilitely on a par with Heathrow) and Atlanta. However it was Air France and the wine was decent. Also plentiful.

Bet the best part of the trip was walking through customs in MIA and having a customs agent say, "Welcome Home."

[Gary B]

I went to Ireland many years ago with a friend who was a native of Ireland. It turned out to be more of a research trip......we were researching the drinking habits of Irish Pub dwellers. I think we visited all of the Irish Pubs, which is probably why I can't remember much of the trip. The the only three things that I clearly remember are:
1. We got a bad rental car. One night we were out and about, and the rental car backed into a burgundy Mercedes while my friend was trying to parallel park......silly car!
2. A young lady in Dublin, by the name of Deadre showed me just how hospitable the Irish can be.
3. When we arrived back at the airport in Chicago, we only had 7 cents in cash between us, but we did have a rather large cache of credit card receipts.

[Stinky Whizzleteats]

Why do you think we Declared Our Independence from those yahoos to begin with? They were mucking up our transportation! Freedom not to put a dress on your horse is somewhere in Article 11, or so.

[Lori L.]

Dave, I understand that you were in the midst of London during the attacks there. I know this because you were quoted on the NPR radio show "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me!" as saying that the BBC reporters seemed to be less excitable concerning their national tragedy than American anchors got about the Michael Jackson verdict. Bravo, ain't it so?

I don't need to tell you this--after all, you are married to a nice Jewish lady--but ALWAYS pack emergency food when you travel with kids. A mushed-up cereal bar at the bottom of the purse can seem like manna from heaven when the little one is famished. And a little juice box, for extra points.

Welcome home...from terrorists to hurricanes! Are you bad luck?

[M.C.]

Sakes alive. ...And you made it back just in time for hurricane season.

[scotto]

I join the chorus of Heathrow Sucks: from MAdrid to London To Boston, the plane from Madrid to London was delayed by close to an hour (why you ask? Cause it was Spain) After going through the Heathrow security, I just made the plane. My luggage followed suit 2 days later....of course since it was all dirty clothe.

[McBruc]

Once had a flight from LAX to Kennedy that was an hour and a half late taking off because ...

wait for it ...

The coffee machine in First Class wasn't working right.

Needless to say, all my connecting flights had long since gone to a retirement home...

[Rody]

All of this merely proves my contention that, wheras in days of yore torture was being boiled in oil or put on the Rack, nowadays you're merely sent on a trip by air anywhere, anytime, any place.

[Abe Zapruder]

Dave,

Why exactly are some people repeatedly posting messages? Is it due to impatience or just negligable computer savy?

Thanks and keep up the good work!

[sandy beach]

Neither, Abe. Sometimes it just happens. :-) You'll see--it will happen to you sometime, when you least expect it.

*crosses fingers that she doesn't double-post*

[Dave]

Abe: First, loved the film. Second, I don't know why so many people double-post. My theory is that, because when you click "POST" nothing happens for a while, people tend to click it twice, thinking they didn't click it the first time. But that's only a theory.

[Karen]

By the time I got through the Miami Airport I had #1. learned to speak Spanish #2. run the 100 yard dash in 4.8 seconds #3. had drug/bomb sniffing dog sniff my crotch #4. caused a security person to faint when I had to remove shoes #5. ate a $6 dollar hot dog and #6 wondered how I could have actually thought a traveling vacation was a REWARD...

[just sayin']

rotfl at the description Dave...empathy and sympathies offered.
glad you're all home safe.

on a return trip to Florida from Montana once, the airline sent us and one lapdog home. And sent the luggage and the crated hunting dog to Memphis, Tn. What a joy that wasn't.

(everything got returned. Ruffled, but OK. Hoping same for yours.)

[Elspice]

I truly love your work, Dave. I'm from the Caribbean, and I discovered your column when I spent 2 years in Miami. I must say that reading your stuff became the highlight of my weekends there. You make me laugh at the things that normally get me very angry. This modern world is so absurd, and you describe this absurdity with such good humor that I can't help but lighten up, despite the underlying seriousness.

Humor is in truth a serious business. Keep up the good work, on behalf of those of us who crave sanity - and comic relief!

[Aaargh]

I went to visit my sister at college, in a small town in Texas. There is an airport there, but the only airline that flies there is one Dave once cleverly referred to as "Nacirema". Our flight to Dallas was delayed, so we checked with the desk to make sure we didn't need to be arranging for another flight to Nashville, as our layover was only 2 hours or so. The clerk there reassured us that we were fine, and should we cut it close, they would let us know in plenty of time to take care of it.

Once on the plane, we hit turbulence, and had to fly around the storm. Again, we asked the flight attendant if we needed to be making arrangements for another flight, and were assured that we would be fine, and that if we were in danger of missing our connection, they would let us know in time to figure something out.

We arrived at a little outer terminal in Dallas, and had to take a bus to the main terminal. The bus stop was NEXT to the gate our connecting flight was departing from. As we pulled up, we could see people still walking around on the plane. We ran through the hall (there were about 15 of us trying to make that connection), only to get to the desk as the airplane pulled away from the gate.

The "nice" clerk there said, "yeah, we knew y'all were gonna be cutting it close." Rrrrr. They knew we were in the airport, knew our bus was pulling in, and couldn't delay the plane 5 more minutes. The one time a Nacirema flight actually takes off on time....

And, of course, the next TWO flights to Nashville were full, so we were treated to a 6-hour unplanned layover in Dallas.

I have never flown Nacirema since, and make every effort never to set foot on one of their planes again.

Whew! I'm still mad! Who knew?

[Vienna]

I, personally, am not fond of the Miami airport, the one where I first experienced having a breast exam given not by a doctor, but by an armed security guard who not only didn't buy me dinner first, she didn't even tell me she was going to do it. I turned right around and slapped her across the jaw. After a big kerfuffle, her boss made her apologize to me. She wanted me to be arrested for assault. I wanted her to be. Her boss decided her apologizing was the best compromise, and I did manage to catch my plane. So, Dave, if you ever ask me over to visit, you are gonna have to come to Ft. Lauderdale airport to pick me up.

[YaWellNoFine]

Dave, I swear, I have spent some fine hours (?) sleeping on the floor at both Gatwick and Heathrow next to the projected Gate, this after planning for a 6 hour layover! On one memorable travel experience, my luggage made it to the US, when I didn't, and then they lost it in the US!

They need more bars at both airports!

[abuc]

welcome back to this great and beautiful city of ours,95 degree weather,150% humidity,so much for the old saying "fun under the sun city"

[U.O]

I don't fly much (especially since I broke my arm ... not a lot of airfoil lift there) but having heard many many stories similar to all these related here, I've followed suggestions from savvy travelers, when said recommendations seem to make sense ...

We (company crew and/or spouses) avoid LAX at all costs ... Ontario or John Wayne/OC are not quite so bad ... tho we've had luggage delays at times ... Denver is no picnic, but they've actually held the connecting flight for us when we hadda de-ice in Bismarck before leaving ... Minnepoupilis is OK, more or less -- (uufda, py golly, sounds like a heckuva deal to me, vatchu tink, den dere?) [Sorry if that characterization offends, but, YES THEY DO!!!] ... Sacramento and Las Vegas are tolerable, if you can avoid the panhandlers at 4:00 a.m. as you leave for your early flight (Sacramento) and don't mind the constant ding of the slots (Vegas) ...

Kinfolk have told us that for planning our trip to Ireland, we should avoid Dublin and fly direct into Shannon ... but that's another story ...

[U.O]

Actually, I have flown since I broke my arm ... someone else was doing the flapping, apparently ...

When I got to the metal detector, I told them, "I've got metal parts ..." and they looked at the new surgery scar and said, "No big deal, we see that every day ..." and even tho they did a thorough scan with the "wand" they were smiling and cheerful as they passed me thru quite quickly ...

Yes, I plan to get a card from my Doctor (tomorrow, in fact) that explains why I buzz the detector ... I won't find many other airports like that one, I fear ...

[jc1742]

Hmmm ... I was over in the UK a while back, flew into Manchester and then back out there a week later. Both flights took off on time and landed a bit early. Luggage arrived on the same plane. Around 15-minute queues for the security stuff.

I did hear a number of comment from Londoners suggesting driving to Manchester for the flight; the drive would be shorter than the wait at Heathrow. Also comments that the airline industry is trying hard to find the reasons for the discrepancy and fixing it - you can guess how.

I don't remember anything at all about the food, though. I guess that means that it wasn't unforgettably bad.

[Brad]

Okay Dave, here's my Heathrow Horror: We were descending in heavy fog--they do have that just every once in a while there, don't they?--and I happened to be staring out the window at the plane's lights reflecting on the fog when poof! We came down below the fog ceiling, I saw the runway which looked like it was about 300' below, but I'm sure it must have been at least 306' and then, Vrooom!! Immediately we began a 45 degree climb straight back up. Virtually none of the passengers had been looking out the window at the exact moment I was, from what I could tell... Anyway, about a minute or two later, the Captain calmly came on the PA and said, "Due to heavy fog conditions at Heathrow we've been diverted to Luton Airport." Luton? Where the heck is Luton?

Anyway, after almost not getting admitted into the country (this was in 1988 and I'm an American)--the only two countries who've ever given me grief about getting through immigration (and I have been to over two dozen countries on several continents) are, yup, Canada and the U.K.--I ended up sleeping across those horrific metal "penalty" bars on the lounge chairs that they put there just to make sure in addition to their making your life miserable by whatever malfeasance the airline has committed, you won't be able to sleep either!

The most pleasurable part of the 'flight' was the bus ride to Oxford from Luton (it's actually closer to Oxford than Heathrow is, once the bus came by that next morning).

[DLAK]

I slid a cd into my dashboard. I was trying to put it into the cd player but I missed and now its inside the dashboard. Exactly 8 days ago I ate a banana split. I will post this only once.

[EB]

With Children on Board, all this happened??

I wonder if Dave is ever going to travel to the British Isles again, after this eventful trip!

Been there, with the screaming 2 year old,and vomiting spouse, right outta Cancun, the EB.

[Kelly]

Oh, the horror of it all Dave! I certainly understand your travel mishap...flashbacks of a trip to Ireland a few years ago..from Portland, Or to Chicago...(O'Hare--which is a Germanic term meaning "Hell on Earth"). Was there 12 hours. Plane delayed(after all of us were crunched in with tour groups of teenagers who started whining the moment they were seated). Sat on tarmac(another Germanic term for "land without end") for many, many hours...which translated into several days because of the time zone differences. Took off in raging lightenin, thunder storm...hmmmm......that seemed like throwing caution to the wind, but who was I to suggest that we continue to wait until fair weather prevailed?. Because of inclimate weather plane delayed into Heathrow. Miss connecting flight to Dublin. Wait in Heathrow airport for a long time...perhaps a fortnight or so. Get flight to Dublin. Make it to Dublin without incident. Take taxi to hotel. No luggage. Had the first of many Guinnesses(or is it Guinni?). Luggage back in Chicago...tour Dublin wearing stinky traveling clothes(I think this was the beginning of Europe hating Americans)...there was some throwing up--not by a small child...I will say that all Londoners and Dubliners were wonderful and welcoming(even if they had to hold their noses from the stench of our travel clothing.

[Bob Nicholson]

Dave, if you seriously believe your luggage is still in Heathrow, you are sniffing something stronger than garbage fumes. One neat thing about airports is that when luggage gets lost, it's LOST.
If you're lucky, It's only in Tuktoyaktuk or maybe Timbuktu. If you're not so lucky, it could be in Baghdad by now or maybe on it's way to Chernobyl.
I worked overseas on rotation for 2½ years, and I know my suitcase has probably been to places I've only dreamed of. That's why I always packed so that I could survive for a week with only my carry-on.

[alanboss]

Welcome back Dave, et al! And thanks for suppling us with a brand new column!

I have to say that if a person who regularly uses MIA thinks Heathrow (or any other airport) is horrible, well then, it really must be.

I'm afraid that my only experiences with Heathrow were, thank you Richard Branson, via the amazing Virgin Upper Class lounge. I could spend a whole vacation there! (I love flying with big clout clients!)

[J B]

In 1987, flew from Amarillo TX to Heathrow. (That’s what the ticket said anyway) Started at 0700 in Amarillo. Everything went well until we hit Philly. The flight was a military charter and there were about hundred 18-22 year old mothers with children under the age of two, who were going to connect to Germany from Heathrow.

The flight was delayed 6 hours for one light bulb being burned out in the emergency floor lighting. They manage to replace the bulb, rushed us onboard to have us wait for two hours for clearance before we could take off. We take off at 10 PM and fly uneventful (ear plugs a must to drown out the happy children) to Shannon Ireland. This was due to the heavy fog they sometimes get in London.

We all have to de-plane for fuel, into a terminal that is unmanned. They did manage to get a bartender for morning rounds. (0800 local time) Of course all children are now awake, hungry, confused and not sure if it is day or night. We re-board and promptly fly strait to Gatwick. (Something about fog) We are told that a bus will pick us up, after a two hour wait, drive us two hours to Heathrow and then we can catch a two hour bus ride to our destination near Oxford.

Not sure what happened to the connecting folks going to Germany, something about trains and busses. Someone in our group attempts to contact our folks in Oxford, to send a bus to us at Gatwick. Of course the great British phone strike of 1987 is in full swing, and after an hour and 3 “dropped” calls the connection is made and the busses sent. They will take two hours to arrive, which they do. This was also the year of the great snow storms in England, so the return bus trip was only about 3 ½ hours. I do not remember much of the bus ride to Oxford. Just woke up and there I was, 36 hours later, marveling at the proficiency of modern air travel.

[djtonyb]

*makes note never to use dependablelimos.com just because of the shameless commercial plug*

[queenrose]

Just to make you mad, I'm going to tell you all about the time I flew southwest airlines from St. Louis to San Diego via Pheonix.
security took less than half an hour for all 30 of us in the group, so we had plenty of time to stop at cinnebon. the flights left and arrived on time, and though one girl's luggage was misrouted, she got a free ticket and they overnighted her case via fed-ex to our hotel IN MEXICO!!!!!
God Bless southwest! (if only they flew north or east too!)

[Qingdaoren]

Dave: Nairobi to Jo'burg to Amsterdam to NYC...El Al...great food regardless of number of dishes, courteous, attentive staff and, 1974, I was one of 10 people on that 747. My bags travelled with me, overhead and in the belly of that air whale, and arrived with me, on time all the way, had a couple hours to wander JFK out on Long Island before the connecting flight to PIT.

On the other hand there was Beirut to Heatherow via Gatwick...fog, and sleeping on the floor of Bejing airport, 8 hours with no chairs or benches but lots of a/c. I used to love traveling...now I'm happy to just enjoy yours.

Richard from PA in China

[JLee]

I am amazed that for the sake of a few insecure cry babies it now takes more time to get thru security to get on an aircraft than to actually travel to your destination...And when is the last time a terrorist was caught by this increased insecurity?
Jim Chorn - You're kidding, right? I can't even believe anyone in this day and age thinks like this. You have no idea what might have been prevented on Dave's flight, besides the inconvenience that did actually happen...

Where'e the humor is this blog?
Oh, yeah...BigAl's got it!

[sappho]

EB:
Ireland=British Isles NOT

[Jed]

Dave, glad to know you're okay. at least you were not flying American('s worst) Airlines, which is known for regularly breaking down or just taking off late for the heck of it.

My worst airport experience: waiting 3 hours in LAX for my plane to be fixed.
Second worst experience: waiting 2 1/2 hours for my plane 2 arrive at JFK.
Third worst experience: Flying, period.

[Abe Zapruder]

Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?

Birdseed underpants??

Have a great weekend

[Maureen]

Hey Dave:
Welcome home!! I've always wanted to go to England, but now I'm not so sure.
P.S. If you think flying on a 747 is bad, you should try it with a SCIENCE TEACHER in a Cessna!!

EAA AirVenture 2005

[urmomsapoptart]

I don't know about Heathrow, but Charles DeGall (in paris) is the epitome of evil. I had a layover there when I was flying from MIA to Rome(did anyone else ever notice that the abbreviation for Miami International Airport is the same as Missing In Action? This is not a coincidence!). Aparently, the french don't know how to queue and prefer to stand in giant, disorganized mobs of people while waiting to go through security/customs.
In charles DeGall a passenger gets from terminal to terminal by waiting for a bus in a giant mob of people (again) packed up against the doors where an airport employee stands and shouts "BUS TO C ONE AND E TWO!". If you are fortunate enough to *hear* this person over the grumbling of the 200 people around you, then you fight you way to the front of the crowd and board the bus. If you are unfortunate and you only have 15 minutes until your flight takes off, well, sucks to be you. It was a miracle we got to our flight on time, especially since the airport staff CHANGED the terminal 3 TIMES.

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT
My father, "What terminal does our flight take off from?"
Airport staff with french accent, "33- NO! 34-NO! just kidding. 32, you silly american!"
::later at terminal 32::
ME, "hey, isn't that our flight at terminal 35?"
Needless to say we will not be laying over there anymore. I guess I'll also be avoiding Heathrow.
Welcome home, Dave. My condolances on the death of your luggage to the known universe.

[fred]

i've been there many times. heathrow is my least favorite airport. and the lost luggage thing, been there too. good luck with that.

[linden malki]

Just returned from a trip to Seattle--Ontario, CA via Las Vegas up, Phoenix back. All four flights boarded easily, security relatively expeditious. Only problem was that the America West airplane seats were very hard on the tailbone; ached for hours after I landed.

[linden malki]

Just returned from a trip to Seattle--Ontario, CA via Las Vegas up, Phoenix back. All four flights boarded easily, security relatively expeditious. Only problem was that the America West airplane seats were very hard on the tailbone; ached for hours after I landed.

[Abe Zapruder]

Dave,

Just so I know...

1. How much do you really care about our stories of similar travel? Do you want intricate details, or are you on to formulating new and exciting topics. Could we better serve you by saying "I went on this trip and blah blah blah?" This way you wouldn't feel guilty if you didn't read the entire post.

2. That toenail fungal advertisement at the top of the page is gross. Is that an endorsement?

Thanks again and watch for my new film.