Dave Barry's Blog

WHY WE LOVE TECHNOLOGY

Music from your butt!

(Via Gizmodo, which also features this very tasteful personal-hygiene device)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT AMERICANS ARE NOT WILLING TO "GET INVOLVED" IN A WORTHWHILE CAUSE

This blog can only snort in derision.

(Thanks to Ted "It is NOT A MULLET" Habte-Mullet)

YOU ARE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE

Anywhere.

Key Quote: "We're currently very uncomfortable in our home and toilet shy I would say, and real anxious for closure."

GOOD NEWS FOR PRISONERS

It's not a life sentence; it's only Deferred Freedom.

(Thanks to ttbrian)

FLAMING SQUIRREL UPDATE

Will the terror never end?

(Thanks to DavCat14)

UH-OH

They're back,

(Thanks to Camille Blanchette)

EASILY-MISCONSTRUED HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Brainy Jello)

AND IF YOU USE THE "HIGH POWER" SETTING, IT CAN ALSO COOK WEINERS

Technology takes a major stride forward.

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

For Scotty, who's been beamed up.

THIS BLOG'S ASSESSMENT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE

We like his stance.

IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE CLEARLY ESTABLISHED THAT DEAD CATS ARE NOT FUNNY

So there is no danger that anybody will be amused by this.

FOREIGN NEWS UPDATE

Tassie farmers are spitting chips.

This has been your Foreign News Update.

Update: Apparently this is a registration site, so for your convenience we will summarize the thrust of the gist of the news article here: Apparently, Tassie farmers are spitting chips.

WHAT THEY'RE DOING AT THE UC DAVIS VETERINARY SCHOOL

They're taking a scientific gander at snake eyeballs.

Key Scientific Quote: "All of a sudden, ... when we saw those three lines (the spectacle, cornea and lens), it's 'Wow!"

CSI GREELEY

A big break in the Case of the Stolen Gnomes.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using cows.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY AMERICANS DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES

This blog responds: Oh yeah?

(Thanks to Rebecca)

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to be both out of shape and sleazy.

(Thanks to Kalyani)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Lab Specimen)

HOPE ON THE HORIZON

For everything you need, cheap.

(Thanks, essentially, to Jay Leno)

WAR OF THE WORLDS

The invasion has started. You are not safe anywhere.

FINAL TRIP UPDATE, I HOPE

Last night, a man arrived at our house driving a van containing, of all possible things.... our suitcase! Home at last from its extended trip abroad.

As you can imagine, we had a tearful and joyous reunion with our unlaundered clothing. The only thing that kept our happiness from being complete was the fact that we actually went abroad with three suitcases.

After several phone calls and several more hours we got it all straightened out, and at 11 p.m. the van man came back with two more suitcases. At this point, we don't care if they're ours or not. We're keeping them.

CELEBRITY SIGHTING

Mike Tyson visits Sydney, Australia.

(Thanks to VictoriaE77)

YOU KNOW HOW EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS MOANING AND COMPLAINING THAT THEY NEVER PUT ANY GOOD NEWS ON THE NEWS?

Well, they can stop now.

(Thanks to HGR)

ATTENTION, LOVERS OF SUBTLE WIT

Shelley Acoca, who is my editor at the Miami Herald (Yes! I have an editor, even though I never actually write anything!) received the following press release about what sounds like a truly moronic exciting new game concept:

As the summer heats up, make sure that you don't leave the hottest pick-up lines when you head out to the beach, the bars or parties.

So to get you ready for the remainder of the summer, Pressman Toy, the creators of this year's sizzling new game, Pick-Up Lines, have put together this year's hottest lines guaranteed to make things much more interesting for you:

Could I touch your belly button. from the inside?

If you were a burger from McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your tag says "Made in the USA," but I could have sworn you were made in Heaven.

I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.

Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when I fell for you

If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

Are you a parking ticket, because you have FINE written all over you!

If you would like to receive a review copy of Pick-Up Lines games let me know.

Let me know what you think.

Nah. You don't want to know what we think.

ATTENTION, PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A PRACTICAL COMMUTER CAR

You are too late.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER BLOW TO OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

It's getting so a person can't make a living.

Key Texas-style name: Dewey Cashwell

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF WESTERN CANADA

Buy all the ice you can, and head for the shore.

(Thanks to Chris)

UPDATE: The Blog tactfully points out ("Neener!") that he posted this item already. We sincerely apologize (:-p) for the oversight.

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Note: We're open for bids on our trash, too.

(Thanks to bilge)

NO COMMENT

We're just hoping it has nothing to do with luggage.

(Thanks to Josh Mittleman)

ONE LAST MEMORY OF IRELAND

For judi.

TRAVEL UPDATE

If there's anything more fun than international air travel in the Age of Terrorism, I can't imagine what it is, except maybe having your prostate examined with a soldering iron.

Our goal yesterday was to get from Dublin to Miami via (cue scary music) London's Heathrow Airport . We got up at 3:45 a.m. In Dublin to make sure we would be on our 6:45 a.m. flight, which, if it arrived at Heathrow on time, would give us almost two hours to change planes.

But just when the airplane door was being closed in Dublin, a party of last-minute passengers arrived, and they were getting a lot of attention from the airline people. It turned out these passengers had been swapping bags around to avoid paying for extra bags, and then, after they checked in, not all of them got onto the plane. So we waited while that was sorted out, which meant the baggage handlers had to go back into the cargo hold and remove the bags belonging to the people who had not boarded. That took 30 minutes.

Then it was discovered that some of the people in this group who had boarded had brought carry-on bags belonging to people who had not boarded. So these bags had to be removed, and, to make sure they were all gone, the crew had to go through the entire plane and ask all the passengers to identify their carry-on bags. This took another 15 or 20 minutes.

By now we were nearly an hour late, and large Irish police officers were striding around our plane talking on walkie-talkies. Finally it was decided that all of the late-arriving group would have to removed from the plane and executed right on the tarmac.

No, sorry, that's what the rest of us passengers – almost all of whom needed to make connecting flights at Heathrow – wanted to happen to them. But they were, in fact, removed from the plane, at which point the captain announced that, unfortunately, now we all had to get off the plane, with our carry-ons, and stand in the jetway while police went through the plane and checked it, in case these people had left bombs or pieces of DNA that would transmit their toxic level of stupidity to others.

So we all got off the plane, and then we all got back onto the plane, and finally we took off, now about 90 minutes late. So when we got to Heathrow, we had about 30 minutes to get from Terminal One to Terminal Three and try to make our plane to Miami. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? Just two terminals away!

Except, of course, this was Heathrow. From Terminal One at Heathrow, it is easier to get to Scotland than to Terminal Three. You have to take buses, get in security queues, walk many kilometers, get in more buses, get in more queues, clean up Sophie after she threw up from all the running around without breakfast, walk many more kilometers, get in more queues, fight the three-headed dog from Harry Potter, etc.

So we missed our flight and spent a pleasant day waiting in more queues for a chance to get on our knees and kiss the feet of airline people in hopes that they would show us mercy and let us leave Heathrow in time for Sophie to attend college.

Finally, many hours later, we made it back to Miami. There is nothing quite like the feeling of walking into your own house after a long trip, and smelling the familiar smell of garbage that you forgot to take out before you left, a stench so powerful that even cockroaches flee from it. Home!

So anyway, I'm back, and I plan to resume blogging just as soon as I get caught up on everything, which should be, approximately, never.

p.s. update: If you are wondering where our luggage is at the moment, the answer is: Heathrow! We think.

LIKE TAKING COALS TO NEWCASTLE

Or making art in Newcastle.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

But was it hard to get (fill in the name of the politician of your choice)'s permission?

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

WHILE WE'VE BEEN READING HARRY POTTER

The City Planners of San Diego have quietly gone nuts.

(Thanks to M.C.)

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

"The Pope Hates Harry Potter"

(Thanks to Young Ron of the Paul and Young Ron radio show)

EUROPEAN...

Goal!

(Sorry)

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster, via Gizmodo)

A BAD CASE OF TOURIST BRAIN-SHRINKAGE DISEASE

We are now in our second week of walking around in countries where people drive on the left, so you'd think that by now we'd know how to cross a street. But you would be wrong. At every intersection, it's the same thing: We look nervously in every possible direction for several minutes, and still we're not 100 percent sure which cars we need to be worried about. The locals handle it effortlessly, walking past us and setting off across the street with barely a glance, but we stand rooted to the sidewalk like unusually stupid trees. When we finally decide it's safe, we take a hesitant step forward and YIKES HERE COMES A CAR and we have to scurry back to the sidewalk. At one point we were directly across the street from our hotel -- it was right there, beckoning to us -- and we thought we'd never reach it. We considered looking for a hotel located on our side of the street and checking in there.

DUMB CRIMINAL

Dumber victim.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

GREETINGS!

"Honey, someone sent you a Christmas card. Shall I open it for you?"

(Thanks to Samco Dispatch)

Update: Apparently that link requires registration; here's one that doesn't)

GREAT NEWS FOR GUYS

And for men, too!

(Thanks to John Tucker)

BUT CAN SHE PRODUCE A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH?

Chicken-seller Thin Sandarin, Our Lady of ... no, wait...

(Thanks to everyone)

AND THE WINNER IS...

Here's the latest entry in the "People With Unbelievably Comical and Often Filthy Names" Contest.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

Note: We apologize in advance to those whose places of employment will not allow them to open this item. People under 18 should not click the link. Thank you.

THIS IS NOT AT ALL AMUSING

So we will not be blogging it.

(Sorry, Barbara)

FAIR WARNING

This was sent in by Brainy Jello, who comments: If you haven't seen this, it will suck you in pretty fast. If you have seen it, another look will probably cause you to push your monitor off your desk.

WHEN GUYS TURN TO CRIME

(Thanks to everyone)

IRELAND UPDATE

I was frankly disappointed by the Blarney Stone.

THIS TRIP IS TOTALLY TAX-DEDUCTIBLE FOR RIDLEY, BECAUSE HE IS DOING BUSINESS OVER HERE

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Because guys are not afraid to take necessary risks.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE'RE THINKING JUDI MIGHT LIKE IRELAND