DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE HAS AN EBAY HANDLE?
hey dave!!!!! you're sooo awesome!! im a really HUGE fan of yours!! i think
you're sooo talented!!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE tennis and i think you're soooo great
at it!!
i was wondering if you can send me an autograph. i would be soooo
grateful!!! and it would mean alot to me!!
if you can, send it to:
Keiko (edited)
Wayne, NJ 07470
thanks a bunch!!!!!!!!!!! good luck with your career!!
-Keiko
Fffiiiirrrrsssttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jimmy | July 08, 2005 at 09:46 AM
Tennis? Am I missing something?
*scratches head*
Posted by: «LabSpecimen» | July 08, 2005 at 09:48 AM
tennis?????!?!?!!!!!!
Posted by: O.E. | July 08, 2005 at 09:49 AM
My mother once got a letter returned from dave.
It read:
Thanks.
Dave Barry, Romance Writer
Posted by: Some guy | July 08, 2005 at 09:49 AM
10 i.q. point penalty for overuse of !'s
Posted by: Someplace Else | July 08, 2005 at 09:50 AM
My mother once got a letter returned from dave.
It read:
Thanks.
Dave Barry, Romance Writer
Posted by: Some guy | July 08, 2005 at 09:51 AM
Dave does lob some good stuff over the net (Thus concludes my terrible pun for the day), but calling him a tennis player is probably a tad... oh, wrong.
But I do agree with the "great" part.
Posted by: Peaceful1 | July 08, 2005 at 09:51 AM
That's so funny ... I was just talking about how I wrote Air Supply a fan letter when I was 10. I recalled it going something like this:
Air Supply! I love them. I wrote them a letter when I was 10 years old and sent it to their fan club ... it went something like this:
Dear Air Supply,
I love your music. Your lyrics speak to my heart. I love a boy named Ralph and he doesn't love me back. Your music has been a salve for my wounded heart. No one understands heartbreak like you do. I love tennis. I sing "All Out of Love" whenever I play. I made a pun. Get it?! Will you please sign the enclosed coconut bra ... [blah, blah, blah ... melodrama, melodrama, melodrama] ... You rock!
Love,
Your number one fan!
Posted by: punky brewster | July 08, 2005 at 09:59 AM
(he he ... oops ... ignore that second paragraph.)
Posted by: punky brewster | July 08, 2005 at 10:02 AM
its translated from the japanese, and they obviously use lots !!! of those. i guess.
Posted by: queensbee | July 08, 2005 at 10:08 AM
Maybe it's spam?
Publish her address and we'll ALL send her autographs! Then we'll keep an eye on ebay.
Posted by: VictoriaE77 | July 08, 2005 at 10:09 AM
Judi, How can I get Dave's autograph? I'd like to make some money on Ebay, too! *waaaaaaaaaaah*
Posted by: «LabSpecimen» | July 08, 2005 at 10:11 AM
Judi!!!!!! I am BIG BIG (300lbs, in fact) fan of YOURS!!! You ROCK MY WORLD! Your music speaks to me! (Make it stop - I can't sleep)
I really, REALLY love your recording of "Send In The Clowns"...it makes me weep.
Please send me an autograph and some DNA so I can clone you!
Your 1 true love,
Bubba Nutjob
President, Judi Collins Fan Club
North American Division
Population - 1
Posted by: Bubba (Punkin Poo) Nutjob | July 08, 2005 at 10:19 AM
hey Judi!!!! i think your sooooo awsome!!!! you ROCK like n'sync only your waaaaaay cooler!!!!
im a really HUGE fan of yours!!! i way like 450 pounds!!! LOL!!
i cant belief that i even got up the nerve to email you!!!! this is the closest ive ever come to talking to a girl!!!
i totally loooooove nascar, and i think your the best nascarist on the whole planet!!!! LOL!!!
it would rock soooooooo much if you sent me an autographed wallet full of 100 dollar bills!!!! it would really mean alot too me and my investment banker!!!!!
you can send it to mary beth kate simone sunshine whackendorfer c/o big earl's collectible and taxidermy!!!!!!
thank you soooooo much!!!! good luck with your bass fishing tournament!!!!!!
Posted by: Federal Duck | July 08, 2005 at 10:20 AM
Hey - Mary Beth Kate - Lay off MY Judi!!!!!!!
I love her WAAAAY more than you could ever love her! See, I pierced myself all over, forming the name "Judi" in silver studs across my beer belly.
No woman can resist that! And last week I even BATHED! With SOAP!
Top THAT!!
Bubba Nutjob
Posted by: Bubba | July 08, 2005 at 10:25 AM
judi,
Send me your autograph, or else.
Posted by: Travis Bickle | July 08, 2005 at 10:25 AM
Punky: Nice one. And good to see you.
Posted by: mudstuffin | July 08, 2005 at 10:39 AM
David Berry is one of the top junior tennis players in the state of Florida. He is from Tallahassee. This, you know, explains, like totally, the exclamation mark thing. Duh!! ;)
Posted by: Crabby Appleton | July 08, 2005 at 10:46 AM
judi,
I am a research scientist and instructor at the Barely Objective Or Good Educators and Researchers (BOOGER) Institute. I am working on a research paper wherein I obtain the autographs of famous, infamous, semi-famous, or otherwise notable people, pets, and small farm animals. I then place these items on eBay in order to scientifically research how much I can get for them. That money is then used to replace the "!!!" keys on the keyboard of one Keiko of New Jersey, and those like her. I also spend a fair amount on beer.
Please send your autograph and that of Dave Barry. I'm sure you're both known for something or other, and could fetch a decent price.
Thank you for your assistance.
Sincerely,
I.M. Nottrustworthy
Head Researcher and Instructor
BOOGER Institute
Posted by: Peaceful1 | July 08, 2005 at 10:48 AM
judi,
Does the blog get a lot of mail like that?
I bet you feel like the first line of defense between Dave and his stalkers.
Posted by: Jessica R. | July 08, 2005 at 10:50 AM
Thanks for clearing that up, Crabby Appleton. Miss Keiko simply emailed the wrong Dave Barry. It's still funny though.
Posted by: Jessica R. | July 08, 2005 at 10:52 AM
Too bad....now Dave (Barry not Berry) won't get to witness Keiko's ramparts bouncing all over the tennis court.... I'm sure photographing Ridley's meringe, maraynge, fluffy-poop-like-stuff is just as satisfying.
Posted by: Punkin Poo | July 08, 2005 at 10:56 AM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: kevin | July 08, 2005 at 10:56 AM
jessica: yes. most of them say they love his "work" or some other generic term. they go on and on about how much his skills and talents have meant to them... with of course no reference to anything specific (to avoid keiko's little problem). but my favorite eBayers are the ones who send in 6 copies of the same book with an effusive letter, ending in a request to please sign these for "myself and 5 of my friends" ("we all love your work!") with no names, signed with illegible initials.
Posted by: judi | July 08, 2005 at 10:58 AM
Yeah, Dave...good luck with your career. It's about time you did something with yourself!
Posted by: Amy | July 08, 2005 at 11:04 AM
Judi ~ That's great! If I send in a bunch of Dave Barry books (for me and 30 or 40 of my friends. We're all big fans.), will you forge his signature on them?
What's your ebay handle? I'll bet you've got a ton of his books already for sale. Cornered the market by working for him, didn't you?
Do you need an assistant? I'm looking for a job posting on a blog all day long. I do that anyway, but I'd like to get paid for it.
Posted by: VictoriaE77 | July 08, 2005 at 11:09 AM
I bet you feel like the first line of defense between Dave and his stalkers.
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | July 08, 2005 at 11:10 AM
Dave has a career?
Posted by: rufus | July 08, 2005 at 11:14 AM
Wayne is the town right next to mine. I can hear the exclamation points from here.
Posted by: Doctor Worm | July 08, 2005 at 11:22 AM
Spewage Alert ... is that too much to ask, Fed? I mean, I don't read who the bloglit is before I read the comment, so if you would be so kind, please put a Spewage Alert at the top of your (not yore) most funny comments. With extra exclamation points. Or anything else you feel like.
Dave and his Stalkers - one of the names not chosen by Rock Bottom Remainders. (thankfully)
Posted by: MOTW | July 08, 2005 at 11:28 AM
You mean I could have sent in a book to get signed instead of actually taking the time to go and see him speak someplace and then stand in a ginormous line waiting for a moment of his time to sign my book? Of course I wouldn't have gotten to touch him if I had just sent in the book.. but still. I don't mean touch in a pervie way btw, although had nobody been looking and if he didn't have those scarey looking bodyguards behind him.... he has the nicest softest hands.
I've said too much haven't I?
All I did was shake his hand. Honestly.
Posted by: wolfie | July 08, 2005 at 11:33 AM
Doctor - You have my sympathies. I was sent to Wayne on business 3 times. (2nd prize was 6 times.)
Posted by: pogo | July 08, 2005 at 11:36 AM
Margin Stretchers WBAGNFA children's TV exercize show!
but it doesn't work too well here - hmmmph!
Posted by: Eleanor | July 08, 2005 at 11:38 AM
dearest judi,
please expect a shipment via UPS of the lastest Dave Barry publication. i don't know the name of it yet, but i'm sure we will both know by the ETA. then, please instruct mr. Barry to put a generic message on the front cover page of each book, leaving a space for the new owner to fill in their own name. as i can only afford a one way shipment, i thank you in advance for paying the return fee. oh, please make sure he also signs each copy.
i thank you both for sharing the love and the profits.
i just looooove Dave sooooooo muuuuuch!!!!!!!!!!!
greedily yours,
(forgot to sign)
Posted by: tuh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | July 08, 2005 at 11:40 AM
Dave, do you play tennis in your Complete Guide to Guys movie? I think it would be funny to see you and John Cleese playing tennis. Not that you and John aren't tremendous atheletes. I'm just saying...it'd be funny.
I still think golf might be more your style. But Keiko seems to know best.
Posted by: Melody | July 08, 2005 at 11:49 AM
Jeff,
I don't consider any bloglits to be stalkers. Most of us worship from afar, and we would be more than happy to stand in a "ginormous line" to shake hands, get ONE copy of a new book signed, and say a few polite words, "ARGH, Matey!", to Dave.
Posted by: Jessica R. | July 08, 2005 at 11:55 AM
I didn't realize Dave's autograph was worth so much.
*Starts rooting through the trash*
Just kidding Dave! I would never throw away your autograph. It's the only one I have besides John Denver's.
Posted by: Atticus | July 08, 2005 at 11:55 AM
That's why I use this method, which judi has not caught wise to so far:
Dear Mr. So-Called Barry,
It has come to the attention, etcetera and pluribus unum, to wit, vis a vis, non disputandem.
Ergo, please sign the above following forementioned articles and return via ordinary express shipment avec plume de ma tante.
Sincerely et al,
Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.
ibid; dictated not read
hecubus/lucifer
attachment(s)
Posted by: Christobol | July 08, 2005 at 11:55 AM
I once got a signed post-card from Dave (in 2002):
"Mrs. Oswald Thwacker-Weasel is an Alert Reader and should seek some kind of treatment immediately." I have this on my cubie bulletin board.
Posted by: MOTW | July 08, 2005 at 12:02 PM
I once got a signed post-card from Dave (in 2002):
"Mrs. Oswald Thwacker-Weasel is an Alert Reader and should seek some kind of treatment immediately." I have this on my cubie bulletin board.
Posted by: MOTW | July 08, 2005 at 12:04 PM
for those of you who haven't been to law school:
"avec plume de ma tante" = latin for "I beleive I have to vomit" or, in the modern vernaculum: "dude, I'm gonna hurl"
"non disputandem" = latin for "booger"
Posted by: TCK | July 08, 2005 at 12:10 PM
Fed - Whack.....homerun. I'd applaud, but I'm to busy wiping my monitor off.
Christobol ... does your head hurt after you come up with one of those (the judi work-around, that is)
Posted by: Brat ® | July 08, 2005 at 12:11 PM
Dear Ted -
I think your hairstyle is soooooo awesome!!!!!
If you could send me a lock of your hair, that would be sooooo awesome!!!!!! I would be soooooo greatful!!!! And awesome!!!!!
Your biggest fan,
Steve
Posted by: Stev0 | July 08, 2005 at 12:12 PM
Dear Judi,
You are an awesome student of the month. I am your biggest fan. Could you please send me $25,000 for one of those Hybrid Toyotas you could even autograph it.
I promise i will not put it up on Ebay.
Signed,
Screwball Nutjob
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | July 08, 2005 at 12:16 PM
You know, I think we could solve poverty if we instituted a Punctuation and Unnecessary Stretching of Words Tax.
Posted by: Aaargh | July 08, 2005 at 12:24 PM
My copy of Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway is autographed. He signed it "For (Name), my idol- Dave Boy" It's a prized possession. Wish I could say I met him, but my sister got it for me when she was signing books at a convention where the Remainders were playing.
Posted by: Bumble | July 08, 2005 at 12:27 PM
You guys crack me up!
(OMG!!! Can I, like, have ALL of your autographs?!)
Posted by: Tamara | July 08, 2005 at 12:34 PM
Brat - that one didn't hurt.
However, I had another judi workaround that did lead to a head injury.
Be advised she has a mean left uppercut.
Posted by: Christobol | July 08, 2005 at 12:34 PM
Dave really ought to send that poor girl an autographed tennis ball or something. Every time I read that post, she seems more and more desparate.
Plus, we'll have the added fun of watching the auction on ebay, with the mis-spelled name.
Posted by: VictoriaE77 | July 08, 2005 at 12:48 PM
Hey!
I just realized I have a friend in Jersey who once hit on a gal named Samantha (edited). I wonder if she could be related to Keiko?
How popular is the surname (edited) in the Jersey area, anyway?
Posted by: Christobol | July 08, 2005 at 12:53 PM
MOTW: So that's what it stands for!
Posted by: ScottMGS | July 08, 2005 at 01:09 PM
I got my book signed by Dave. It read:
To Elle:
Booger!
Dave Barry.
Of course, I showed up in a coconut brassiere and a propeller beanie, which was probably scary.
Posted by: elle | July 08, 2005 at 01:15 PM
SCOTT!!!!!
You just solved the MOTW mystery. :)
Posted by: elle | July 08, 2005 at 01:17 PM
elle - just curious, but is that all you were wearing?
Posted by: TCK | July 08, 2005 at 01:19 PM
C-bol,
Funny you should bring it up, 'cause sissy just married some New Yankee Jersey feller name of John Q. (edited) what she met through that inmate outreach program they's always advertisin' down to the Piggly Wiggly, and seein' as how our last name is Public (not Pubic like them letters from Ed McMahon claim) and sissy is a modern professional type woman what with her fancy eyebrow-waxin' certificate she earned down to the vocational school, she went and hyphenated her name (cause she says all the urban yankee professional type women do it) so now she's Mrs. John Q. Public-(edited) and that's why the (edited) part don't show up when they search for yankee John after every liquor-store holdup in the tri-county area.
Posted by: Federal (edited) | July 08, 2005 at 01:22 PM
Upon further investigation, I have developed a sneaking suspicion that my last post made almost no sense at all. Fortunately, it is Friday afternoon, so I do not care.
Elle! .....
*mumbling* I was going to say something witty to Elle and charm her with my urbane banter and boyish good looks, but once again, Friday afternoon rears its ugly tail. Perhaps if I stand aloof she will think I am the strong, silent type, always portrayed in movies as the badarse biker with the heart of gold. Hopefully the wingtips will not give me away. Holy christmas she's looking fetching in that coconut bra with.....Oh God. Is this thing still on?!? Off! Off carnsarn you!! *whanging noises*
Where's that hammer?! I'll *whack* never live this down *whack* if this goes public *whack*
Posted by: Federal Duck | July 08, 2005 at 01:39 PM
Keiko = Paris Hilton
She must have seen Dave at the Celebrities Play Tennis (Cpt) and then drink Cpt Morgan till they puke charity event in Miami last month.
Dave, it's true. When you've knocked a few back you DOOOO play tennis SOOOO GOOOOD!!!
Posted by: PollyPI | July 08, 2005 at 01:46 PM
Relax, Fed.
I'd bet my autographed copy of The Grapes of Upset (signed by this guy down at the Car Wash who wears his hair long) that elle likes the whanging type.
Posted by: Christobol | July 08, 2005 at 01:49 PM
WOW DAVE you got a letter from a killer whale??? That is sooooo coool!!!!!!!
ORCAS ROCK
Posted by: winterpegger | July 08, 2005 at 01:55 PM
elle: Now that I have the solution, I've got to figure out what the mystery behind the mystery is.
Posted by: ScottMGS | July 08, 2005 at 02:03 PM
no wonder that pic didn't sell on ebay. dave wasn't wearing a blue shirt.
Posted by: sj | July 08, 2005 at 02:07 PM
Atticus! You have John Denver's autograph - wow - i love(d) John Denver and even named one of my cats Denver, and now they're both dead - bummer :(
RIP - Denver (cat)
RIP - Denver (John)
p.s. I vote YES on the margin stretching tax!!!
Posted by: Eleanor | July 08, 2005 at 02:56 PM
Dave once signed a copy of "Dave Barry Does Japan" for me to give to Roger Clemens.
This was a really, really long time ago, but I cherish the memory still!
Posted by: Guin | July 08, 2005 at 02:58 PM
MOTW: I have a Dave postcard too. If it's handwritten it is a real Dave postcard; if it's typed it is a "fake Dave/written by Judi" (NTTAWWT) - or so Judi herself told me.
And My book is signed:
For Jeff, a blog giant---
Dave Barry
So there!
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | July 08, 2005 at 03:20 PM
"What's that? Dave Berry? That's very different. Never mind."
Emily (Keiko) Litella
Posted by: Jeff Meyerson | July 08, 2005 at 03:22 PM
What kind of racquet is Dave running here, anyway?
(For that remark, I'm going to send myself to my room without supper, and then beat myself (further) senseless.)
Posted by: Robert F.T.W. | July 08, 2005 at 03:27 PM
*is jealous of the bloglits with Dave signatures*
Posted by: Blogchik | July 08, 2005 at 05:38 PM
I don't recall what my Dave postcard says, but I recall the PS.
PS: I smoked your letter.
It refers to the PS I sent, which stated that the stationary was 50% hemp.
Posted by: Sondra | July 08, 2005 at 06:23 PM
Dear Dave,
I love you. I love you. I love you. I am not entirely sold on your haircut, but I love you. I love the little line you get when you frown in your sleep. I love the smell of your socks. I collect them. The left ones. Is that okay? If not, let me know and I can meet you somewhere quiet to return them all. Come alone, okay?
I love you.
The Odd Wife
P.S. Now thats a stalker letter!
Posted by: The Odd Wife | July 08, 2005 at 07:44 PM
I sent Dave a copy of "Boogers are My Beat" and he signed it "To Alan. A God. Dave"
HA! Top THAT!
(Sorry. Got a bit excited there. Nevermind.)
Posted by: alanboss | July 08, 2005 at 09:51 PM
I was going to try to say something funny and off the cuff like I usually do, but then I realized that Crabby Appleton was onto something.
The Many Faces of Dave Berry.
Creepy...
Booger...
Posted by: M.C. | July 08, 2005 at 10:46 PM
*makes note to bring a book or two along the next time he stal... errr... visits judi at the Herald.*
Posted by: djtonyb | July 09, 2005 at 12:43 AM
*wonders if he brings a few more books along if Dave could get all of the Rock Bottom Remainders to sign them also*
Posted by: djtonyb | July 09, 2005 at 12:46 AM
I didn't know Keiko the Killer Whale could write! Maybe it's a new trick they taught her! I think she deserves and autograph, Dave. It's not easy writting with fins!
Posted by: Rockchild | July 09, 2005 at 06:38 AM
(to the tune of There's no business like Show Business)
There's no Berry like our Barry
there's no Barry I know
Everytime we see him it's exciting
Everytime he speaks we're all aglow
Nowhere do you get that special feeling
When he is stealing - an extra joke!
Posted by: Eleanor | July 09, 2005 at 07:17 AM
Changing last line
Think of it as a work in progress!
new last line
When he is posting - a booger joke!
That is all - for now.
*zips out to look for more material*
Posted by: Eleanor | July 09, 2005 at 07:20 AM
You forgot your or tag... now everythings italic...
Posted by: Logan | July 09, 2005 at 12:26 PM
That would be a /i or /span tag, it removed them...
Posted by: Logan | July 09, 2005 at 12:28 PM
I have in a box in the attic somewhere -- erm, will soon have proudly on display in my new home theater/memorabilia room two post cards from His Daveness, ca. 1991. I was desperately trying to achieve the exalted status of Alert Reader. Then I got a job.
I've forgotten what one said, but the other was in response to an article about Colorado Springs city workers spraying pines of a size likely to be cut down and stolen as Christmas trees with a substance that causes them to reek of urine when they are introduced into a warmer environment, such as the domicile of a pine stealing cretin. (Common practice in colder climes these days, I know, but it was new then.)
His response:
Dear (edited),
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Dave Barry
Tree Thief
Posted by: WriterDude | July 09, 2005 at 02:36 PM
(PS to Judi -- for some reason, the blog isn't letting me use strike-through text, even though I'm using the right command. WTFOMGBBQADD?)
Posted by: WriterDude | July 09, 2005 at 02:40 PM
I once got an autograph from Dave ... I was so excited ... then I realized it was NOT Dave Barry, it was some more important Dave (Letterman perhaps?)
Posted by: Jack | July 10, 2005 at 04:18 PM
how much of a deterrent is it if they don't start to reek until you get them home?
Posted by: ceeg22 | July 11, 2005 at 07:09 AM