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July 08, 2005

DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE HAS AN EBAY HANDLE?

hey dave!!!!! you're sooo awesome!! im a really HUGE fan of yours!! i think
you're sooo talented!!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE tennis and i think you're soooo great
at it!!

i was wondering if you can send me an autograph. i would be soooo
grateful!!! and it would mean alot to me!!

if you can, send it to:
Keiko
(edited)
Wayne, NJ 07470

thanks a bunch!!!!!!!!!!! good luck with your career!!
-Keiko

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Fffiiiirrrrsssttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tennis? Am I missing something?

*scratches head*

tennis?????!?!?!!!!!!

My mother once got a letter returned from dave.
It read:
Thanks.
Dave Barry, Romance Writer

10 i.q. point penalty for overuse of !'s

My mother once got a letter returned from dave.
It read:
Thanks.
Dave Barry, Romance Writer

Dave does lob some good stuff over the net (Thus concludes my terrible pun for the day), but calling him a tennis player is probably a tad... oh, wrong.

But I do agree with the "great" part.

That's so funny ... I was just talking about how I wrote Air Supply a fan letter when I was 10. I recalled it going something like this:

Air Supply! I love them. I wrote them a letter when I was 10 years old and sent it to their fan club ... it went something like this:

Dear Air Supply,

I love your music. Your lyrics speak to my heart. I love a boy named Ralph and he doesn't love me back. Your music has been a salve for my wounded heart. No one understands heartbreak like you do. I love tennis. I sing "All Out of Love" whenever I play. I made a pun. Get it?! Will you please sign the enclosed coconut bra ... [blah, blah, blah ... melodrama, melodrama, melodrama] ... You rock!

Love,

Your number one fan!

(he he ... oops ... ignore that second paragraph.)

its translated from the japanese, and they obviously use lots !!! of those. i guess.

Maybe it's spam?

Publish her address and we'll ALL send her autographs! Then we'll keep an eye on ebay.

Judi, How can I get Dave's autograph? I'd like to make some money on Ebay, too! *waaaaaaaaaaah*

Judi!!!!!! I am BIG BIG (300lbs, in fact) fan of YOURS!!! You ROCK MY WORLD! Your music speaks to me! (Make it stop - I can't sleep)
I really, REALLY love your recording of "Send In The Clowns"...it makes me weep.

Please send me an autograph and some DNA so I can clone you!

Your 1 true love,

Bubba Nutjob
President, Judi Collins Fan Club
North American Division
Population - 1

hey Judi!!!! i think your sooooo awsome!!!! you ROCK like n'sync only your waaaaaay cooler!!!!
im a really HUGE fan of yours!!! i way like 450 pounds!!! LOL!!
i cant belief that i even got up the nerve to email you!!!! this is the closest ive ever come to talking to a girl!!!
i totally loooooove nascar, and i think your the best nascarist on the whole planet!!!! LOL!!!
it would rock soooooooo much if you sent me an autographed wallet full of 100 dollar bills!!!! it would really mean alot too me and my investment banker!!!!!

you can send it to mary beth kate simone sunshine whackendorfer c/o big earl's collectible and taxidermy!!!!!!

thank you soooooo much!!!! good luck with your bass fishing tournament!!!!!!

Hey - Mary Beth Kate - Lay off MY Judi!!!!!!!

I love her WAAAAY more than you could ever love her! See, I pierced myself all over, forming the name "Judi" in silver studs across my beer belly.

No woman can resist that! And last week I even BATHED! With SOAP!

Top THAT!!

Bubba Nutjob

judi,
Send me your autograph, or else.

Punky: Nice one. And good to see you.

David Berry is one of the top junior tennis players in the state of Florida. He is from Tallahassee. This, you know, explains, like totally, the exclamation mark thing. Duh!! ;)

judi,

I am a research scientist and instructor at the Barely Objective Or Good Educators and Researchers (BOOGER) Institute. I am working on a research paper wherein I obtain the autographs of famous, infamous, semi-famous, or otherwise notable people, pets, and small farm animals. I then place these items on eBay in order to scientifically research how much I can get for them. That money is then used to replace the "!!!" keys on the keyboard of one Keiko of New Jersey, and those like her. I also spend a fair amount on beer.

Please send your autograph and that of Dave Barry. I'm sure you're both known for something or other, and could fetch a decent price.

Thank you for your assistance.

Sincerely,

I.M. Nottrustworthy
Head Researcher and Instructor
BOOGER Institute

judi,
Does the blog get a lot of mail like that?
I bet you feel like the first line of defense between Dave and his stalkers.

Thanks for clearing that up, Crabby Appleton. Miss Keiko simply emailed the wrong Dave Barry. It's still funny though.

Too bad....now Dave (Barry not Berry) won't get to witness Keiko's ramparts bouncing all over the tennis court.... I'm sure photographing Ridley's meringe, maraynge, fluffy-poop-like-stuff is just as satisfying.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jessica: yes. most of them say they love his "work" or some other generic term. they go on and on about how much his skills and talents have meant to them... with of course no reference to anything specific (to avoid keiko's little problem). but my favorite eBayers are the ones who send in 6 copies of the same book with an effusive letter, ending in a request to please sign these for "myself and 5 of my friends" ("we all love your work!") with no names, signed with illegible initials.

Yeah, Dave...good luck with your career. It's about time you did something with yourself!

Judi ~ That's great! If I send in a bunch of Dave Barry books (for me and 30 or 40 of my friends. We're all big fans.), will you forge his signature on them?

What's your ebay handle? I'll bet you've got a ton of his books already for sale. Cornered the market by working for him, didn't you?

Do you need an assistant? I'm looking for a job posting on a blog all day long. I do that anyway, but I'd like to get paid for it.

I bet you feel like the first line of defense between Dave and his stalkers.

Dave has a career?

Wayne is the town right next to mine. I can hear the exclamation points from here.

Spewage Alert ... is that too much to ask, Fed? I mean, I don't read who the bloglit is before I read the comment, so if you would be so kind, please put a Spewage Alert at the top of your (not yore) most funny comments. With extra exclamation points. Or anything else you feel like.

Dave and his Stalkers - one of the names not chosen by Rock Bottom Remainders. (thankfully)

You mean I could have sent in a book to get signed instead of actually taking the time to go and see him speak someplace and then stand in a ginormous line waiting for a moment of his time to sign my book? Of course I wouldn't have gotten to touch him if I had just sent in the book.. but still. I don't mean touch in a pervie way btw, although had nobody been looking and if he didn't have those scarey looking bodyguards behind him.... he has the nicest softest hands.
I've said too much haven't I?
All I did was shake his hand. Honestly.

Doctor - You have my sympathies. I was sent to Wayne on business 3 times. (2nd prize was 6 times.)

Margin Stretchers WBAGNFA children's TV exercize show!

but it doesn't work too well here - hmmmph!

dearest judi,
please expect a shipment via UPS of the lastest Dave Barry publication. i don't know the name of it yet, but i'm sure we will both know by the ETA. then, please instruct mr. Barry to put a generic message on the front cover page of each book, leaving a space for the new owner to fill in their own name. as i can only afford a one way shipment, i thank you in advance for paying the return fee. oh, please make sure he also signs each copy.
i thank you both for sharing the love and the profits.
i just looooove Dave sooooooo muuuuuch!!!!!!!!!!!
greedily yours,
(forgot to sign)

Dave, do you play tennis in your Complete Guide to Guys movie? I think it would be funny to see you and John Cleese playing tennis. Not that you and John aren't tremendous atheletes. I'm just saying...it'd be funny.

I still think golf might be more your style. But Keiko seems to know best.

Jeff,
I don't consider any bloglits to be stalkers. Most of us worship from afar, and we would be more than happy to stand in a "ginormous line" to shake hands, get ONE copy of a new book signed, and say a few polite words, "ARGH, Matey!", to Dave.

I didn't realize Dave's autograph was worth so much.

*Starts rooting through the trash*

Just kidding Dave! I would never throw away your autograph. It's the only one I have besides John Denver's.

That's why I use this method, which judi has not caught wise to so far:

Dear Mr. So-Called Barry,

It has come to the attention, etcetera and pluribus unum, to wit, vis a vis, non disputandem.

Ergo, please sign the above following forementioned articles and return via ordinary express shipment avec plume de ma tante.

Sincerely et al,

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.

ibid; dictated not read
hecubus/lucifer
attachment(s)

I once got a signed post-card from Dave (in 2002):
"Mrs. Oswald Thwacker-Weasel is an Alert Reader and should seek some kind of treatment immediately." I have this on my cubie bulletin board.

I once got a signed post-card from Dave (in 2002):
"Mrs. Oswald Thwacker-Weasel is an Alert Reader and should seek some kind of treatment immediately." I have this on my cubie bulletin board.

for those of you who haven't been to law school:

"avec plume de ma tante" = latin for "I beleive I have to vomit" or, in the modern vernaculum: "dude, I'm gonna hurl"

"non disputandem" = latin for "booger"

Fed - Whack.....homerun. I'd applaud, but I'm to busy wiping my monitor off.

Christobol ... does your head hurt after you come up with one of those (the judi work-around, that is)

Dear Ted -

I think your hairstyle is soooooo awesome!!!!!

If you could send me a lock of your hair, that would be sooooo awesome!!!!!! I would be soooooo greatful!!!! And awesome!!!!!

Your biggest fan,
Steve

Dear Judi,
You are an awesome student of the month. I am your biggest fan. Could you please send me $25,000 for one of those Hybrid Toyotas you could even autograph it.
I promise i will not put it up on Ebay.
Signed,
Screwball Nutjob

You know, I think we could solve poverty if we instituted a Punctuation and Unnecessary Stretching of Words Tax.

My copy of Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway is autographed. He signed it "For (Name), my idol- Dave Boy" It's a prized possession. Wish I could say I met him, but my sister got it for me when she was signing books at a convention where the Remainders were playing.

You guys crack me up!

(OMG!!! Can I, like, have ALL of your autographs?!)

Brat - that one didn't hurt.

However, I had another judi workaround that did lead to a head injury.

Be advised she has a mean left uppercut.

Dave really ought to send that poor girl an autographed tennis ball or something. Every time I read that post, she seems more and more desparate.

Plus, we'll have the added fun of watching the auction on ebay, with the mis-spelled name.

Hey!

I just realized I have a friend in Jersey who once hit on a gal named Samantha (edited). I wonder if she could be related to Keiko?

How popular is the surname (edited) in the Jersey area, anyway?

MOTW: So that's what it stands for!

I got my book signed by Dave. It read:

To Elle:
Booger!
Dave Barry.

Of course, I showed up in a coconut brassiere and a propeller beanie, which was probably scary.

SCOTT!!!!!

You just solved the MOTW mystery. :)

elle - just curious, but is that all you were wearing?

C-bol,

Funny you should bring it up, 'cause sissy just married some New Yankee Jersey feller name of John Q. (edited) what she met through that inmate outreach program they's always advertisin' down to the Piggly Wiggly, and seein' as how our last name is Public (not Pubic like them letters from Ed McMahon claim) and sissy is a modern professional type woman what with her fancy eyebrow-waxin' certificate she earned down to the vocational school, she went and hyphenated her name (cause she says all the urban yankee professional type women do it) so now she's Mrs. John Q. Public-(edited) and that's why the (edited) part don't show up when they search for yankee John after every liquor-store holdup in the tri-county area.

Upon further investigation, I have developed a sneaking suspicion that my last post made almost no sense at all. Fortunately, it is Friday afternoon, so I do not care.

Elle! .....

*mumbling* I was going to say something witty to Elle and charm her with my urbane banter and boyish good looks, but once again, Friday afternoon rears its ugly tail. Perhaps if I stand aloof she will think I am the strong, silent type, always portrayed in movies as the badarse biker with the heart of gold. Hopefully the wingtips will not give me away. Holy christmas she's looking fetching in that coconut bra with.....Oh God. Is this thing still on?!? Off! Off carnsarn you!! *whanging noises*
Where's that hammer?! I'll *whack* never live this down *whack* if this goes public *whack*

Keiko = Paris Hilton

She must have seen Dave at the Celebrities Play Tennis (Cpt) and then drink Cpt Morgan till they puke charity event in Miami last month.

Dave, it's true. When you've knocked a few back you DOOOO play tennis SOOOO GOOOOD!!!

Relax, Fed.

I'd bet my autographed copy of The Grapes of Upset (signed by this guy down at the Car Wash who wears his hair long) that elle likes the whanging type.

WOW DAVE you got a letter from a killer whale??? That is sooooo coool!!!!!!!

ORCAS ROCK

elle: Now that I have the solution, I've got to figure out what the mystery behind the mystery is.

no wonder that pic didn't sell on ebay. dave wasn't wearing a blue shirt.

Atticus! You have John Denver's autograph - wow - i love(d) John Denver and even named one of my cats Denver, and now they're both dead - bummer :(
RIP - Denver (cat)
RIP - Denver (John)

p.s. I vote YES on the margin stretching tax!!!

Dave once signed a copy of "Dave Barry Does Japan" for me to give to Roger Clemens.
This was a really, really long time ago, but I cherish the memory still!

MOTW: I have a Dave postcard too. If it's handwritten it is a real Dave postcard; if it's typed it is a "fake Dave/written by Judi" (NTTAWWT) - or so Judi herself told me.

And My book is signed:

For Jeff, a blog giant---
Dave Barry

So there!

"What's that? Dave Berry? That's very different. Never mind."

Emily (Keiko) Litella

What kind of racquet is Dave running here, anyway?

(For that remark, I'm going to send myself to my room without supper, and then beat myself (further) senseless.)

*is jealous of the bloglits with Dave signatures*

I don't recall what my Dave postcard says, but I recall the PS.

PS: I smoked your letter.

It refers to the PS I sent, which stated that the stationary was 50% hemp.

Dear Dave,

I love you. I love you. I love you. I am not entirely sold on your haircut, but I love you. I love the little line you get when you frown in your sleep. I love the smell of your socks. I collect them. The left ones. Is that okay? If not, let me know and I can meet you somewhere quiet to return them all. Come alone, okay?

I love you.

The Odd Wife

P.S. Now thats a stalker letter!

I sent Dave a copy of "Boogers are My Beat" and he signed it "To Alan. A God. Dave"

HA! Top THAT!

(Sorry. Got a bit excited there. Nevermind.)

I was going to try to say something funny and off the cuff like I usually do, but then I realized that Crabby Appleton was onto something.

The Many Faces of Dave Berry.

Creepy...

Booger...

*makes note to bring a book or two along the next time he stal... errr... visits judi at the Herald.*

*wonders if he brings a few more books along if Dave could get all of the Rock Bottom Remainders to sign them also*

I didn't know Keiko the Killer Whale could write! Maybe it's a new trick they taught her! I think she deserves and autograph, Dave. It's not easy writting with fins!

(to the tune of There's no business like Show Business)

There's no Berry like our Barry
there's no Barry I know
Everytime we see him it's exciting
Everytime he speaks we're all aglow
Nowhere do you get that special feeling
When he is stealing - an extra joke!

Changing last line
Think of it as a work in progress!

new last line

When he is posting - a booger joke!

That is all - for now.

*zips out to look for more material*

You forgot your or tag... now everythings italic...

That would be a /i or /span tag, it removed them...

I have in a box in the attic somewhere -- erm, will soon have proudly on display in my new home theater/memorabilia room two post cards from His Daveness, ca. 1991. I was desperately trying to achieve the exalted status of Alert Reader. Then I got a job.

I've forgotten what one said, but the other was in response to an article about Colorado Springs city workers spraying pines of a size likely to be cut down and stolen as Christmas trees with a substance that causes them to reek of urine when they are introduced into a warmer environment, such as the domicile of a pine stealing cretin. (Common practice in colder climes these days, I know, but it was new then.)

His response:

Dear (edited),

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Dave Barry
Tree Thief

(PS to Judi -- for some reason, the blog isn't letting me use strike-through text, even though I'm using the right command. WTFOMGBBQADD?)

I once got an autograph from Dave ... I was so excited ... then I realized it was NOT Dave Barry, it was some more important Dave (Letterman perhaps?)

how much of a deterrent is it if they don't start to reek until you get them home?

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