ATTENTION, LOVERS OF SUBTLE WIT

Shelley Acoca, who is my editor at the Miami Herald (Yes! I have an editor, even though I never actually write anything!) received the following press release about what sounds like a truly moronic exciting new game concept:

As the summer heats up, make sure that you don't leave the hottest pick-up lines when you head out to the beach, the bars or parties.

So to get you ready for the remainder of the summer, Pressman Toy, the creators of this year's sizzling new game, Pick-Up Lines, have put together this year's hottest lines guaranteed to make things much more interesting for you:

Could I touch your belly button. from the inside?

If you were a burger from McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your tag says "Made in the USA," but I could have sworn you were made in Heaven.

I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.

Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when I fell for you

If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

Are you a parking ticket, because you have FINE written all over you!

If you would like to receive a review copy of Pick-Up Lines games let me know.

Let me know what you think.

Nah. You don't want to know what we think.

Comments

[Higgy]

We think that we'll be using some of those tonight....

[jeff]

First!

[jeff]

damn.

[GDogg]

Your parents must be retarded...no wait, that's me.

[VictoriaE77]

Honestly, most of those pick up lines could be answered with a slap.

[Capt. Pike]

Somewhere, Quagmire is writing these down to use with Lois.

[GDogg]

My love for you is like a burger from McDonald's; I just can't hold the diarrhea in.

[sandy beach]

Hey, sounds like fun to me! The game comes with "Plastic martini glasses, a shaker and olives," Doesn't get any better than that.

[random thunking]

Some of my all-time favorite guaranteed pick-up lines:

-You must be one of those camel girls... one fine hump.

-That's a really nice sweater, but it would better if it were turned inside-out and laying in a heap on my bedroom floor.

-Get ready for the best 45 seconds of your life.

-Ooops, sorry I spilled that pitch of beer on you, I've been naughty, I need a spanking.

[VictoriaE77]

random ~ How often have any of those worked?

[Sarah J]

I think that the worst I've ever heard is:
So, you're a girl huh?
or maybe:
Pardon me, are you in heat?!
Actually I'm pretty sure that it's the last one

[VictoriaE77]

Jeff ~ I going to assume (Now remember, this is just an assumption) that random would like it to work more than once.

And lets not make fun of the country bands, ok?

And I like that song. Good for dancing.

[silver]

Jeff- does it really matter where it is from?

[Boogzy]

How about 'Turn Down Lines' in response to these clever witticisms? I remember about 507 years ago, I was at a dance, my friend Jerry was feeling his oats (pasted!) and attempting, apparently, to feel the oats of a girl he'd just met, blatantly reaching down to her nether-regions. She turned to him and said. 'If you're trying to get into my pants, there's already one asshole down there.'

Important Update: Jerry is still single 507 years later. Surprise!

[random thunking]

Victoria and Jeff, Back in my mis-spent youth I found that the most effective lines are the corniest.

-Are those acorns in your bra or are you just happy to see me?

Of course, I'm married now, and still use these lines on my wife. And they still work.

-You must have washed those pants in Joy, I can see myself in them.

[TCK]

do you really need a good line when dealing with drunk and desperate?

my favorite country band names:

open range and the swing stampede
mud dogs
straight shooter
trailer trash
fords suck

[Guin]

Standard response to pick-up lines: I'm sorry, I have to go pick lint out of my dryer.

[Bill B]

Oh no!! That "first post" crap has gotten in here!
Please banish it!

By the way, great pickup lines...

[Brad]

OK, I figured out a new game. You take one of the pick-up lines and screw it up, so that the recipient would be left with a "WTF?" expression.

Your parents must be retired because you're special.

You remind me of a champtionship bass (pronouce "base" like drum). I want to bang you.

Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I have some nasty rug burns on my knees from dreaming about you.

Ok, your turn...

[sj]

higgy,
i think it's a good idea to use some of those lines tonight.

you need some time alone. this will ensure it.

[Mike]

These pick-up lines are perfect for that poetry website. Maybe something like:

I know your tag says USA
But I think it was heaven
I've known it since the very day
The dog at mother's toes

No, wait...that doesn't rhyme.

[TCK]

Mike: my understanding of the requirements of "serious" poetry is that it doesn't really have to rhyme - it is even better if it doesn't really make any sense - I think your poem fits the bill

[John]

Mike,
does it matter if it rhymes?

[insomniac]

"Are you an insurgent 'cause there's an 'uprising' in my pants?"

[Aunt Nancy]

sigh - I'm so old the only pick-up lines I hear anymore are:

*Did you put gas in the tank?
*The F-150's due for an oil change.
*Do you have any quarters in your purse? I need to get the truck washed before we leave for the wedding.
And finally...
*Have you seen my keys?

[insomniac]

"Your tag says 'Made in the U.S.A., so I guess you don't shop at Wal-Mart."

"I'm the inspiration for those two Burger King slogans, 'Home of the Whopper' and 'Sixty-Second Service' " (only geezers will remember that last one)

"Are you a CIA agent sent to investigate allegations of uranium being sent to Saddam, 'cause I would like to expose you.?"

[jorge]

How about that old standard "I'd love to scratch between your toes! The big ones!!"

[elle]

Overheard on a cruise ship as a not-so-proficient-in-English Greek man was hitting on the woman next to me:

"Madam, you very beautiful. I would like to make f*ck with you."

His attempts were less than successful.

[TCK]

how about:

If you were a booger I'd pick you first

[Sara]

My friend had two great ones she used to use -

"My name's Destiny and I think I'm yours."

And my personal favorite -

"Nice a$$, can I wear it home as a hat?"

No, I don't know what it's supposed to mean either.

[David V.S.]

As a former mathematician, I feel obligated to share the pick-up line mathematicians love best:

"If I were to ask you to come home with me, would the answer be the same as to this question?"

Of course, when pick-up lines come up in conversation, the only one that my female friends call "cute" instead of "slimy" is the old favorite:

"Let's do breakfast tomorrow -- should I phone you or nudge?"

[M.C.]

A couple more for the pile...

All-purpose / offensive:
"That's a nice set of legs. What time do they open?"

"I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list."

"I've lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"

"I'm going outside to make out. Care to join me?"

"Why don't you surprise your roommate tonight and not come home?"

"Hey, you've got something on your chest there." ("Huh?" / "What's that?") "My full attention."

"Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?"

To a waitress...

...while holding a packet of sugar:
"Hey, you dropped your name tag."

...right around table-cleaning time:
"Can I get a little box?"
(I use this one all the time, though with no intention of conveying the fact that I'm saying something that might be offensive.)

To a woman/girl holding a baby:
"So, I see you like to have sex."

And one that might actually work, given the delivery:
"Can I flirt with you?"

[Tamara]

I like Brad's lines the best.

Brad, will you read my diary, or do I have to kiss you? ;)

[U.O]

Oldie: (In a restaurant, most likely a truck stop)

I'll have a sheepherder special ...

Also, long ago, I found a 45 rpm record at the bottom of a box of "good stuff" I bought at an auction sale.

Actual title - I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!

(Caution, do not read at work. Laughter/projectile vomiting may be detrimental to your employment.)

When the moon goes down on Medina Lake, I'll be going down on you

[Brad]

Hey Tamara,

There is a party in my pants, and the cover charge is only $10.

[VictoriaE77]

I love these! You know, some of these might even work, if said in a humorous fashion.

Guys that can make you laugh are the best.

[xcskier]

You may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but a light switch could fix that.

[xcskier]

You may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but a light switch could fix that.

[xcskier]

You may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but a light switch could fix that.

[Andrew]

YES!!! All my problems hooking up with women have finally come to an end. Thanks Dave Barry!

[alanboss]

Sara mentions the lines that work for her friend. But, here's the thing Sara. Women using pick-up lines on men, no matter how bad, will always work.

[roggie]

I think maybe repeating a bad line three times just may be the trick in making it okay!

And: I yelled "FIRST" last night, but realized afterward, it was a highly inappropriate thing to do.

[Dr Acula]

Professor Eric Laithwaite, the great engineer who invented the levitating train, used statistics to develop a better pickup procedure. Instead of investing all your energy on one girl and going to all the expense of buying flowers, chocs, drinks etc with no guarantee of success, he would simply ask all the girls at the party to dance, and ask "Do you shag?"
He got his face slapped a lot, but sooner or later would find one who would....

[Jack]

Well, I think there's so much for everyone to say. Visit my site at the link below.

[Lush Bimbo]

I've studied pickup lines and my shortest was: "You'll do." Simple, short and surprising ineffective.

Here's an icebreaker: "Hi! My name is Mr. Creepy. What's yours?" That one was guaranteed to clear the room.

[U.O]

... recalling the distant (VERY distant) past ...

do lines of the general "I'm gay/I'm impotent/I'll never love again" ... sort still work?

did they ever?

[Smithie00]

Elle - No one I know has ever seen Shirley Valentine. It was my mom's favorite movie. And it worked eventually, didn't it?

[Federal Duck]

An ex gf actually used a successful pickup line on me once. She said, "hi."

I was flattered, but hesitant, because I thought she might just want me for my body. Then I laughed out loud and left with her. I hear this is how Romeo and Juliet started out as well.

[Federal Duck]

Elle, you are also very beautiful. I would like to make waffles with you, but anything after that we can make up as we go along.

[nomad]

My most successful line ever:

"I lost a bet so I have to buy you a drink."

[Sondra]

Indicating empty seat next to gorgeous guy - "May I sit here?" always worked for me. 'Course gazangas out to there helped. Wonder what I'll do now. Being a restaurant owner, maybe I'll just buy him a drink.

[queensbee]

and they wonder why we give them fake names and phone #s. OY.

[sara]

Good point, alanboss, but when women use pick-up lines on other women they aren't always successful. ;)

[Tamara]

I'm pretty good at screwing-up when hitting on guys.

Giving unsolicited medical advice: bad.

Immediately saying you just wanna be friends: bad.

Immediately saying you just wanna be friends because you've already got a damn good boy-toy: bad.

Boys are so sensitive. ;)

[ScottMGS]

Good turn-down responses:

- I've got to change the air in my tires.

- No. (then, following persistent inquiries) What part of "no" don't you understand?

- My phone number? It's in the phone book. My name? That's in the phone book, too.

[mtvcdm]

"Let's add you and me, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and multiply."

[Moe]

The worst I ever heard was at the Dixie Chicken in College Station, TX. A few of us were sitting there having a beer or eight, and a friend of a friend would casually ask every 3rd girl that walked by "Lick that b0x?" I wanted to crawl under the table I was so embarrassed to be associated with that moron. Sadly, yes it actually worked for him that night. I still can't believe that.

Others that make me cringe are:
* "Your daddy must be a thief 'cause he stole the stars and put them in your eyes"
* "My d1ck is only as big around as this beer can, but its really long".

Sometimes I find it hard to believe there are any heterosexual women.

[Kelly]

Were these the lines that are being used at the German Walmarts during their singles' night out?

[Burton Ernie]

I'm Rick James, BIT&%

[Kelly]

EllE/Smithee00,
I love the movie 'Shirley Valentine'...I have my own copy and introduce it to someone at least once a year...

[Brad]

Immediately saying you just wanna be friends because you've already got a damn good boy-toy: bad.

Immediately saying you just wanna be friends because you've got a venerial disease: TMI.

But, for everyone who wants to know the best line ever... "I just bought a new Mustang GT. Wanna drive it?" This line only works if you can make the odometer appear to have less than 50 miles on it, and if it is indeed a Mustang and not, say, an Isuzu. This line is field tested and has actually worked. The only thing hotter than the car was the girl. YMMV.

[alanboss]

You know Sara, as I was typing that I somehow knew that that was going to be the flaw in my point.

[spinster teacher]

This has been known to work among the Amish: "My name is Yoder. You'll be screaming that later."

[U.O]

... and what, specifically, do you teach to spinsters?

(just curious ...)

[U.O]

... and what, specifically, do you teach to spinsters?

( ... just curious ... and hoping this doesn't double up ...)

[U.O]

(s'pose this one'll double too ... or triple, or whatever)

A-hem.

So ... um ... what, specifically, is it that you teach to spinsters?

( ... just ... curious ...)

[Confidential]

Me and the titanic have a lot in common we are both long hard and full of seeman

Hay, do you hear that,... i think your phone # is calling my name

[Helen]

I have the funniest line ever.
Used by my girlfriend after the first time we kissed

-'I know I must be bi, because I liked that'.

May only work due to the cicumstances however.