Dave Barry's Blog

McTED

(Thanks to Rockchild)

DEEP SPACE NINE

Watch out! Is somebody guarding the wormhole?

(Thanks to Zandra)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Gimme an EEEYEW!

(Thanks to Dan Koning)

ATTENTION, ALL UNITS

Be on the lookout for a LOT of stolen lobsters. If you find them, turn them over to this lawyer.

Key Quote: "Until now there has been no electronic method of dealing with crabs, lobsters and crayfish."

Which is exactly why the Good Lord made hammers.

ADVISORY TO RESIDENTS OF REGIONS X AND XI

Watch out.

YOUR HOURLY MICHAEL JACKSON UPDATE

Turns out he has something in common with judi.

...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ATTENTION, OFFICE WORKERS

Let's have a little harmless fun.

(Be sure to check out the photos, especially the desk-penetrating keyboard.)

(Via Gizmodo)

WHY THIS BLOG ALWAYS HATED SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD

You just never knew.

Key Culinary Question: A porridge made of rice and... pulses??

WHEW

For a moment there, we thought this was about us.

Update: Not to mention this. Meanwhile, in this article, we learn that:

``Mullet'' is another word perplexing the dictionary's brain trust. Favored by such 1980s rock bands as Duran Duran, it's defined in the dictionary as a hairstyle in which ``the hair is cut short at the front and sides, and left long at the back.'' Yet the first reference found so far is in the Beastie Boys' 1994 song ``Mullet Head.''

We suggest that the dictionary's brain trust start its investigation in Iowa.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Or perhaps, simply a mouthful: Multiplying Processionary Caterpillars.

(Thanks to Bill Crider)

UPDATE: Also Baleful Living Beings

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

TEDBERT

"The deadly combination of unibrow AND mullet. I fear him." -- Atticus

ATTENTION, ARMED ROBBERS

Don't even go there.

(Thanks to Vrouw Zero)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT GUYS LACK AN APPRECIATION OF CULTURE

This blog is deeply offended.

(Thanks to Ron "Disco" Ungerman)

UPDATE FROM TED "IT'S NOT A MULLET" HABTE-GABR

Ted writes:

I walk into a morning meeting with some folks whom I have only spoken to on the phone. Meeting goes reasonably well. At the end of the meeting, I get this: "So, what's with the whole mullet thing? I'll admit I googled you to see if there was anything on the web on you, and among other things and I get this site with this whole mullet thing."

We would say that Ted's career is over, but we have never understood exactly what Ted's career was.

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

There have been further incidents, which raise an interesting question. Here's a definitive answer.

(Thanks to DavCat, M.C., and Qween Puler)

UPDATE: To be strictly honest (and we are always strict, here at the Blog), I confess to being guilty of not looking at what was posted earlier today. So this is, essentially, a re-blog. Mea culpa.

MORE MULLETBOY ENTRIES

From Brainy Jello:

From Marvin the Paranoid Android:

From Chaz Stevens:

IF YOU INSIST ON GETTING DAD A GIFT

It should at least be tasteful and practical.

(Via Gizmodo, which got it from Sneaky Alcoholic)

ADVICE FOR PEOPLE TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO GET DAD FOR FATHER'S DAY

A few years ago, I wrote a column on this topic. This column is totally true. But you will probably ignore my advice.

MICHAEL JACKSON HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Via Tim Blair)

IF THIS ISN'T A COUNTRY-MUSIC TITLE, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

He Had Turtles in His Luggage, and a Snake in His Pants

Related Story: Apparently, the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. should have an "S" rating (for Ssssssssssss).

FORGET ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

However is humanity going to deal with this?

ATTENTION, HUMMER OWNERS

Time to upgrade.

(Via Gizmodo)

HEY, MISTER

Translate this.

(Thanks to Rob Hinkley)

PHOTO CONTEST II

Tamara sent in this entry with the admonition to "Work it, Ted. Own it."

And one of my personal favorites so far, sent in by Jeff Meyerson.

WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS?

Maybe because it makes so little sense.

(Via Gizmodo)

HAWAII UPDATE

Realtors Unite Against Frogs

Key, Vaguely Troubling, Quote: "With your rooster, you know what you're getting into."

PHOTO CONTEST

We are receiving many strong entries. We don't have a winner yet, because we have to go through a highly technical judging process that will consider such factors as whether judi thinks a given entrant might be cute and have loose morals. But we wanted you to get a look at some of the early contenders. Here's one from Marvin the Paranoid Android:

And here's one from Christobol:

This one is from Seth J., who says it is the result of years of photojournalism training at the University of Missouri:

Rockchild sends this:

Ron Hopkins sends this ancestral photo, from the days when everybody arrived at Ellis Island with a mullet:

BULLETIN FROM THE RANN OF KUTCH

They're developing a sanctuary for wild ass.

This has been your news update from the Rann of Kutch. You may now resume pondering what the hell it takes to get convicted in California.

FIRST ANNUAL PHOTO MANIPULATION CONTEST

So, come to find out that Ted of Mulletland is a Sunday School teacher, and that even adolescents realize his fashion sense is dangerously limited. How do we find this out? He admits to the s.b. that his class responded to the mullet question with "Well, Mr. Happy-Gabber, you do wear those cheerleader shoes."

Cheerleader shoes? Turns out they mean saddle shoes. Which Ted has been known to wear to church with a seersucker suit.

Best photo rendition of the above will win a gently used Octodog and an unused bar of Shower Shock soap.

Mail entries to [email protected] with the subject line: Mulletboy Photo Contest. Please send a low-res version first, so the mailbox doesn't end up bouncing everything else, ok? If you are a finalist, we'll ask for a higher-res version to post on the blog.

ONE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUYS AND WOMEN

Women want to have tasteful little flower vases on their desks. Whereas guys want to have this.

(Via OhGizmo!, which is not the same as Gizmodo)

(Apologies to judi if she blogged this in 1997 or something)

LOOKING FOR A HOME FURNISHING THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AS WELL AS PRACTICAL?

Keep looking.

(Via Gizmodo)

Update: judi informs me that, once again, I have blogged an item that she blogged already. I have told judi TIME AND TIME AGAIN that when she intends to blog something, she should do me the simple human courtesy of traveling forward in time to see if I will be blogging the same thing at some point in the future, but apparently this is too much to ask.

WHEN GUYS OWN CATS

(Thanks to Lin Dempsey)

REBUTTAL TO THE SERIOUS ALLEGATION REGARDING AN ALLEGED ACT OF MULLETUDE ON THE PART OF THIS BLOG

1. It was long in front.

2. It was a long time ago.

3. The sun was in my eyes.

4. It was long in front.

5. The cat peed on my electric hair trimmers.

6. I was young, and I needed the money

7. It was LONG IN FRONT, OK??

A NOVEL WAY OF REDUCING POLLUTION, INDEED

Get rid of all the people.

(Thanks to Collins69S)

NO, REALLY, NO COMMENT WHATSOEVER

Thanks for this item goes to M.C., who commented:
So... If you make love to a robot, is it considered cheating? Sure, it's totally wrong and disgusting, but... Seriously, is it?

NO COMMENT

I have noted your relentless mocking of your mulleted friend recently in your blog. While this is quite funny, perhaps somebody else has (well, had) a hairstyle that needs to be mocked. I was recently reading a book I had on my shelf when I happened to look at the cover and noted what might indeed be a mullet on the "blog" himself. This is the highest quality link I could find to an online picture.

~Neena Kalyani Vemuri

MOST MEN WILL AGREE

There is no need for this product.

(Thanks to Peter Norquist)

THE BEST FATHER'S DAY GIFT EVER

For the urban adventurer.

(Thanks to Betty Salwak and Mike Leone, via Wired)

INNOCENT BUT SOMEHOW SUGGESTIVE HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Fred Pullen) (no comment)

WHEW! OH DARN!

A day too late.

(Thanks to freelance fred)

ATTENTION, TRAVELERS TO HOLLAND

Do not touch the bicycle seats.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Mullet)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using banana spiders.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY PLUNGES FORWARD

OK, first read this press release. Then take a gander at the actual product. As far as this blog can tell, what they have invented is: a stick.

BARRY MANILOW UPDATE

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SPEAKING OF MULLETS

We rest our case.

(Thanks to mullet investigator Jeff Meyerson, who asks simply: "Separated at birth?")

POSTED BY ORDER OF THE BLOG

"Request permission to approach the bench."

(Sent in via the CrapCamPhone, originally from MulletBoy.)

NAKED ZORRO UPDATE

He's keeping banker's hours.

(Thanks again to Ted "NASCAR" Habte-Gabr)