Dave Barry's Blog

WE SURRENDER

(All hail the victor, Mighty Thor)

IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE A STRICT POLICY AGAINST LINKING TO ANANOVA

Otherwise we might be posting totally unbelievable crap like this.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Put your hands together for Corn Rootworm and the Stem Weevils

ATTENTION, STUDENTS PREPARING TO RE-TAKE THE SAT

Ponce De Leon : David Hasselhoff :: Fountain of Youth : ___________

(Thanks to Gavin Taylor for the link and the analogy)

OBSERVATION FROM ORLANDO

Nobody should take this personally, but: As a nation, we could stand to lose maybe 117 trillion pounds.

NERDO STUDENT OF THE MONTH

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Practical art.

(Thanks to Denny Guge)

THERE IS A GOD, PART 2038

The God of eBay.

(Thanks to Kendall Avery)

WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)

NO ONE EXPECTS CRIMINALS TO BE SMART

But...

(Thanks to Burp)

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO ERECT A LARGE FROZEN TREAT

Key quote:"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

OH, COME ON, IT WAS PRACTICALLY A REQUEST, WASN'T IT?

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm going to be spending the next few days in a secret undisclosed location that rhymes with Palt Pisney Porld, where I will experience the magic and wonder of standing for hours with a 5-year-old in lines the length of the Canadian border. So I'm thinking that if you're bored – and let's be honest: if you're reading this blog, you're bored -- you might want to participate in our annual Poetry Project.

For some background on this concept, you can go here and read about the first Poetry Project, which we modestly believe produced some of the most memorable poems ever written in the English language containing the phrase "the dog ate mother's toes."

This year we will once again be submitting our poems to the fun-loving guys and gals at poetry.com, who, we are sure, truly enjoy being a part of this effort. Just click on "ENTER CONTEST" and write your poem. To identify yourself as a participant in the Poetry Project, you should enter a "nomme de plume" (literally, "hors d'oeuvre") that includes the name "Habte," followed by a hyphen. The only restriction concerning the content of your poem is that it should include some reference to a mullet hairstyle. For example:

THE PAIN OF LOVE

By Dave Habte-Barry

I love you, dear, with all my heart
And infinite desire
And so I cry each time you set
My mullet hair on fire

I'm sure you folks can do much better.

Update: I've been reading your poems, and I just want to say that I am very proud of all of you. I'm also hoping that none of you are operating heavy machinery.

ATTENTION, PARENTS

If you think your child's yearbook photo is unflattering, a really brilliant way to handle it is to make a big stink, so that instead of just appearing in a yearbook, the photo will appear on the Internet, where millions of people will see it.

(I'm just glad MY hideously embarrassing yearbook photo isn't on the Internet, at least until judi posts it.)

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

Everybody have fun tonight;

Everybody wang chung tonight.

This has been your Thought for Today

EVER WONDER WHAT HAPPENS TO BARBIES AFTER THEY ARE DISMEMBERED BY LITTLE BROTHERS?

They enjoy a happy a new life as creepy jewelry.

(Via OhGizmo!)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

MEANWHILE IN MINNESOTA

Elected officials are taking care of business.

"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, BOB?"

"I'm just watching the news, Marge."

(Via Gizmodo)

MEANWHILE IN AFRICA

A goat scheme has floundered.

THE NEWS FROM NEW ZEALAND

Apparently this is viewed as a bad thing.

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE

Take a gander at Michelangelo's David. We mean the mullet.

(Thanks to sookeyjane)

ATTENTION, GUYS IN GENERAL

We have bad news.

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

LIVING IN FLORIDA

It has its perks.¹

(Thanks to MOTW)

¹(Sp?)

GOOD NEWS FOR TED

If he's interested in a new career.

(Thanks to Sean)

IF YOU TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT FATHER'S DAY

It's not too late to make it up to dad.

(Via OhGizmo!)

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "EEEYEW"

"Art."

(Thanks to nigh on everybody)

WYOMING: THE NATION'S KINKIEST STATE?

We report; you decide.

IT TAKES A GUY TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT PRACTICAL GIFT TO GIVE TO ANOTHER GUY ON FATHER'S DAY

My son gave me a remote-controlled submarine. It is excellent

HEY, DADS

It's your day. Go on back to bed if you want.

ACTUAL VOICEMAIL RECEIVED TODAY BY THIS BLOG FROM LOS ANGELES

Hey Dave? My name's Craig. Craig Kilborn. And I'm being accosted here by Ted in the Farmet's Market, and he's a big fan. But anyway, he wants to know if he has a mullet or not, and it's a really tough call -- I've been staring at him for quite a while from the profile. And I'm going to go no mullet, because he has kinda curly hair, and you know, cool guys -- you don't remember Guillermo Vilas, the tennis player from Argentina -- but, similar hair. So I'm going say no mullet. And now I'm going to go back and take a nap. Thanks.

WHY THE AMERICAN WORK FORCE IS THE GREATEST DARNED WORK FORCE ON THE WHOLE DARNED PLANET

Here's the winning office prank.

(Via Gizmodo)

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS LAWYERS

Because without them, there would be no justice.

(Thannks to Theresa Valentine)

JUST IN TIME FOR FATHER'S DAY

Now Dad never has to stop.

Update: Apparently this has been blogged before, possibly several times. The reason I blogged it again is, um... let's see... OK, the reason I blogged it again is: Ted has a mullet.

WHEN THEY RELEASE IT FROM CUSTODY, HE CAN HAVE IT FOR DINNER

Turner "Snake Man" Roberts of Nuclear Plant Road loses a pet.

AND THE WINNER IS...

We can no longer stand the sight of Ted's face. Our only comfort is in knowing that Ted will never again be able to get a job. Or a date, with or without a barf bag.

Someone did, of course, send in an unforgettable likeness of Ted as a barf bag. Also burned into our brains are images of Ted as Betty Grable, Peter Pan, Atticus Finch, a fetus, a mermaid, Phil Spector and Jesus. Is there enough beer in the world to make us forget tedchimp, outhouseted, and barrymanilowted? And we don't even want to think about the one of Dave with Ted's hair.

But choosing a winner was tough. There were too many wonderful, awful entries from all of you talented, completely unbalanced people, many of whom got away with creating these masterpieces at work. We congratulate you, and thank everyone for participating.

First runner up: Marvin the Paranoid Android's photo illustration of Ted ready for church

and the

Champion Mullet Manipulator: Atticus, creator of Tedbert

Congratulations! Please send in your snailmail addresses so we can mail you your valuable prizes: ShowerShock Soap and Octodog Frankfurter Converter for Atticus, and some other crap coveted gift guide items for Marvin.

BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY

,,,and we're feeling nostalgic.

NOT-SO-SPORTING NEWS

(Thanks to Kendall Avery)

OFFICE PRANKS UPDATE

Gizmodo is handing out awards. They will make you proud to be part of the work force.

THE INTERNET

It's got something for everyone, and we mean everyone.

(A quick wave of thanks on the way to the shower to Catherine Conner)

MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, EXCEPT IN THE VICINITY OF CERTAIN BICYCLE SEATS

If this does not lessen America's dependence on oil and cars, then this blog frankly does not know what will.

(Thanks to Ted Mullet-Mullet)

WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS?

Can't they go to the bathroom before they start the ascent?

Key Quote: "Mountaineers who ascend North America's loftiest peak are often brought down to earth by 'virus-laden poo'."

Which of course is not a bad name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

AN OUTRAGE

This is ridiculous. Miami is number four? NUMBER FOUR?? Yes, Phoenix, Las Vegas and Tucson are hot. But -- as the residents of these cities are always pointing out -- it's a dry heat. Whereas Miami is a WET heat, which makes it a much sweatier city.

Q. How sweaty is it?

A. Our statues have armpit stains.

(Thanks for the link to Jess Rigdon)

TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF

(Thanks to Debra Beller)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR...

Gynandromorph!

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

LAST CALL

We'll be announcing the winner(s) later today. If you have any more entries to send in, please just stop. We beg you. send them asap. Thanks.

MORE ENTRIES

(Thanks to Mikey Weasel)

Also, we have:

Cheerleader Ted, by Joel Lindstrom

Proof that there's more to Ted than anyone dreamed (with my personal thanks to Mighty Thor)

And an entry by Quiggy that left Ted out of the picture entirely

MULLETS IN THE NEWS

(Thanks to Steve Berlin-Chavez)