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June 29, 2005


We have good news.


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Well, that's a relie ... I mean, uh, completely irrelelvant piece of information.

I'll go now.

Now I'm afraid--and am re-thinking my divorce.

(Um, don't tell the ex I said that.)

Also, "fully stretched"??

2.76 inches when stretched out

Ummm, how streched out?

"Department of Penile Evaluation" wbagnfa US governemental agency, with the same usefulness.

btw, is "usefulness" even a word?

I had no idea those posters were describing those kinds of "positions" . . . so naive

Boy is that a relief! I guess I can remove the attached weight.

Not if that's what floats your boat igloo.

Attaches string to rear bumper
"Start pulling forward now, we need to make sure it is fully stretched out."
"Now just roll forward until that moving number thingy on the dash reads 2.76"

"Would you quit stretching that out? Wait, uh, that's okay . . . "

I find that there are two reliable indicators of small penis size:

1) pointing

I don't know if I speak for most women, but 2.76" seems a little short for "average". Are they sure a few females didn't sneak into the study and skew the median? Am I the most horrible person ever?

Well, hmmm.

Who knew I'd be thinking about stretched out 2" penises today?

Thanks, Dave!

Dear Beth,There is no defense against such people.Signed,Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Guy: It's not size, it's how you use it!

Girlfriend: No, really. It is the size.

Guy: But what about all the articles? The studies? The comically small members of Egypt and Canadia?

Girlfriend: The right size is defined as, "The size that the girl you're with at the moment wants." There is no other objective or subjective measurement.

Guy: *subtely flexing muscles* Well that's good. um....right?

Girlfriend: Here's your mail order pump. Get to work.

Fed ~ Good definition. Very accurate.

I like how Beth cleverly reposted without the name "Will" this time. Now we REALLY won't think it's spam.

To keep rude and unwanted people from your blog, stop advertising it everywhere.

Time for a profound haiku...

"Is my penis small?"
"No sweetie, you're enormous...
all one inch of you."

Well, in defence of Canadian penii, I've never seen one less than 7" when "stretched out". Maybe that 2.76" was just the American average....

Of course, on the average, American women seem to have 4 times the cleavage of Canadian women (Pamela Anderson does skew the statistics somewhat) so it evens out.

the other sign of a small penis: driving a HUUUUUUMONGO SUV.

"The other 13 subjects still insisted that their member was too short, but with further psychosexual counseling, most were convinced otherwise."
oh, bwahhha.

anyway, isnt this what most men think about ALL day?? and wouldnt you all love to be a participant in some kind of johnson study??
just askin.

Uh, excuse me? 2.76"? I have fingers longer than that!

What is "stretched out"? I have possessed penile material for quite a few years but I don't think I have experienced the "stretched out" condition. Also, there is no mention of erect. What is the normal length of erect penile tissue? In other news, based on new information, my nickname has been changed to "Horse"

Dear Beth,
You have taken the wrong exit and are completely lost. Have you been drinking?

England measures in inches, that's where we got the system.

And if you'd ever seen a Guatemalan who-ha, you'd know that 2.76" is on the long side of average in some areas of the world.

Were the measurements taken after the subjects had been swimming?

Swimming in ice water!

I have the feeling that, ironically, this will prove to be the longest thread ever.

I do have to agree with Queensbee. Rarely do you see an article on the average size of female appendages. Although I realize I've just thrown down the gauntlet and issued a challenge to find me said articles...

"stretched out" doesn't mean erect. 1.6" refers to when the penis is just, um, hanging around, and the 2.76" is when the penis, still "flaccid" is pulled (gently) to its full length.

Metric System proponents would be wise to use this opportunity to show the merits of leaving the English system. "2.76 inches? In centimeters, you'd be a 7!"

No mention about the average size of fish guys catch. Or how much he can bench press. Or how many letters of the alphabet he can get out in one belch.

Brad - that's because all these things link back to how many inches of snake he possesses. It is similar to the enormous SUV = 1 inches or less mathematical principle.

Sour Grape Smuggler

2.76 inches comes out so close to exactly 7 centimeters that I'd have to assume that the article was "translated" into English. When I first saw the number 2.76 I thought to myself that you'd have to be pretty desparate to measure to one hundreth of an inch.

Nurse: Sir, we need to measure the flaccid length of your penis. Could you please think about baseball or dead puppies or something?
Patient: I'm sorry, but you are wearing a nurse uniform and you keep on pulling it!

I am updating my resume. I think I'm qualified for a position as a penis stretcher outer. It's the job of my dreams, the one I have been waiting for. Got a penis?...let ME pull it!!

I guess it was easier and less awkward to measure non-erect members, but isn't it more useful to have statistics for when 'Mr. Happy' is at "DefCon 1"? (sorry to get all clinical)

Casey, can I be your assistant? I am HIGHLY qualified: I stretched my annoying cousin's Stretch Armstrong doll until gross weird fluid came out. After that, it remained permanently stretched.

Hmm...Maybe THAT'S why guys are scared of me.

Para bailar la bamba!
Para bailar la bamba,
Se necesita: una poke-o! Hey, gracias!
Una poke-o, Oh, Gracias! Pa mi pa ti
Arriba y arriba
Y arriba y arriba till you are sore
Till you are sore
Till you are sorrrre

Soy Ca-na-dian
Soy Ca-na-dian
Soy Ca-na-diannnn...

*puts down ruler, looks up*

Huh? What!?

tyler, pleasepleaseplease tell me where the reference to dead puppies comes from. i've used that line several times, sadly, when results haven't been what i've been expecting but can never qualify where i lifted it from.

crossgirl, I heard someone use it way back in high school. I was a bit nervous about using said reference for fear of peta backlash. So sorry, but I also don't know where it originated, but its good to know someone else out there has heard of it.
For the record, tyler loves puppies and thinks it's wierd to reference self in third person.

tyler, im so sorry that you heard that in high school. gosh, hope it wasnt me who asked you if thats what you were thinking about....

Heard a song once, called "Dead puppies are no fun"

Maybe someone could look up the lyrics.

Dead Puppies
by Dr.Demento
(sample available on Amazon ["The Very Best of Dr. Demento"])

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun
They don't come when you call
They don't chase squirrels at all
Dead puppies aren't much fun

My puppy died late last fall
He's still rotting in the hall
Dead puppies aren't much fun
Mom says puppy's days are through
She's gonna throw him in the stew
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Dead puppies
Dead puppies

The article about erect length was blogged awhile back. It kept relating Pen!s size to starbuck cups and candybars remember?

Beth: just go away.

I want to apologize to Jeff Meyerson and Leetie. I was also trying to post to Will Weatons blog with the same comment. “hello will” was still in the post so I stupidly reposted it. I will stop advertising.

To Horse (formerly Shredder) thanks for that little jab.

The vagina comment is true. I have had 3 children. I have been tested twice.

Average Vagina Size
3 inches along the posterior wall with a diameter of 0.8 inches, though in stimulated phase it balloons to 3.75-4.1 in long by 2.3-2.5 inches in diameter.
Average Clitoris Length
1 inch, though the part that shows, called the clitoral glans, is 0.20 inches long.
Average Vaginal Acidity
4.0 to 5.0 on the pH scale--fairly acidic.
Average Hymen Thickness
0.05-0.10 inches (0.125-0.25 cm.).
Average Ovary Size
1.5 inches long by 0.75 inches in breadth by 1 inch thick (3.75 x 2 x 2.5 cm.).

lol crossgirl, was that you? I thought you seemed familiar. Good times. I hope it was good for you, cause back then I doubt I cared enough to postpone it by thinking of other things. Sorry.

Beth-That's facinating, did your MD also perform that test on your brain cavity?

Whoa-Beth. Now there is some info that is better than baseball and dead puppies for erectile elimination. Yikes.

tyler ~ I think I love you!

*still giggling*

Eeeeeek! I will never, repeat never, be able to watch anyone blueprint an engine again. One important step is to make sure that each combustion chamber holds exactly the same volume (within a tolerance) as all the others. This is done with a burret and light oil with the engine head upside-down with valves hanging down to seal the chamber. Thank you Beth. Not.

'Dead Puppies' -- was that Loudon Wainwright? Wait, never mind. He did 'Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road.'

Brad, I think it is strange that you like watching people blueprint engines. Is this a hobby? I’m sorry; the fact that I spoke of vaginas made you not want to pursue your fascinating hobby of watching others draw car parts. It must be tough for you even now going on a blog that you expected to be about “penis” and “stretching of a penis” and I go and write about my vagina, for you to read. Queer isn’t it?



George, I believe you.

Beth, I don't want to hear about your vagina. Really. Please stop volunteering such information. I mean, it's not pleasant dinner conversation, and no one asked. Thank you.

I guess you have to stop listening to the voices in your head. But I’ll stop with all the hoohoo posts. Did you even try the subject out at dinner? Or are you just keeping to the penis topics? I guess it all depends on what you are eating, right? Has anyone asked you about your “you know” at dinner? And if they did, what were you eating?

You’re Welcome.

Beth - Go girl, shak 'em up. I like knowing that what I have shouldn't be able to fit in there.....I think....

First of all, let me say - OK - I guess you can't stop me - neener!
I find this whole thread distasteful and I'm only posting to get the number of comments to 70 from 69, which is a little ironic, IMO!

Second of all, I totally agree with katiegirl and FederalDuck and what they said way back up there.

Third of all, and this is my final word on this subject: Size Matters!

*zips out to find and measure this guy*

Why is it ok to talk about penis' but not vaginas?
Who is the judge of what is "hot" or not?
Just curious.

Hey Eleanor - where'd you get that picture of my hubby?

"The findings are based on a study of 92 patients who went to the andrology department at Cairo University Hospital in Egypt over a 2-year period complaining of a small-sized penis. Each subject provided a sexual history and completed a standard erectile function questionnaire."

Maybe all 92 patients really are small.

Wife: You have a small organ!
Hubbie: I didn’t know I was playing in a cathedral!

OK Beth, you so totally do not know what you're talking about! "Blueprinting" an engine is not drawing plans for it. It is a painstaking process of verifying that machining of the parts of an actual engine is to exacting or "blueprint" standards. I described one part of that process -- determining the volume of the combustion chambers -- that I can no longer watch with a straight face no thanks to you.

Anyway, if you don't know squat about engines, why should we believe that you know anything about vaginas? Believe it or not, this line of reasoning actually was quite valid in high school auto shop class 18 years ago.

Aunt Nancy - he posed for the picture for me the other day when we were - er - oops, never mind. I meant to say, OH - is that your husband??

Janet: It's not that you can't talk about the vagina, it's just that we just prefer jokes and suggestive wording to facts and seriousness.

Actually, if all 92 patients were from Egypt, can we not just conclude that Egyptian men are small?

Their small sampling of men from one country can in no way be conclusive as to the average size of men in general.

Brad you are right, I don’t know anything about engines. However I have a vagina, so one point for me, but I must admit it does sometimes strange stuff that I can’t explain. There is no “Chilton for Cha-cha” books that I’ve seen.

Still why do you watch people test engine parts is this your job?

marv...good point, kindly put, but yer jus' shoutin' into an empty well...really deeeep empty well;)

To paraphrase Chance the Gardener in Being There, "I used to like to watch". But no more. Thanks very much Beth for ruining it for me. All I can say now is that I'm glad blueprinting an engine doesn't involve stuffing grapes into the cylinder heads.

I'm so glad I came here tonight. (Well, I'm always glad that I come here, but I mean especially tonight.) Because tonight, I learned that, "OMG! I'm freakin' HUGE! My self estean has hit a new high!

That is all.

Oh. And let's not be mean to Beth. She clearly has some issues. That makes her fit in with the rest of us.

Brad - my dad was a mechanical engineer, so I kinda-sorta understand what you're saying. Therefore, I think you deserve a huge *SNORK*

ontday itbay!...itsyey ayay ooltray...ooglegay ityey;)

googled and noted. And now, SCARED. messed up stuff.

oh don't be scared exactly, what she is doing is courageous, but self serving...doubt she realizes what a troll is either...read her site...won't take long to understand seriousness of her situation...she is welcome to visit and post...but this is Not the forum for bait and hook confrontational therapy...we come here as an escape hatch...to laugh and poke fun...

I agree with just sayin'. If she comes here to bait and hook, she's just gonna fuel our joking. Beth is certainly no master baiter.

brad...i actually Spewed...:D

I get enough therapy. I‘m not sure what a troll is (I think that is better than cow) but I thought we were all having fun.



You are a joke.


Everyone on the blog.

Dear Blog,
Can we have a truce? I think we are all adults. I did not mean to make snippy remarks. (Even though I thought it was a bit devilish and fun) I’m a visitor to your blog and brad as this blogs spokesperson I apologies to you first.
(I’ll not mention that I’m on the blog and I didn’t agree to call me a “joke”) Just kidding brad, it’s been a long day at the office and I just want to take a hot bath and not feel there that people out there gunning for me. Is there someone else we may perhaps combine forces to make fun ridicule? Or is it just the topics that you zing one liners at?

Dear Beth,

You can show you are sorry by getting rid of the e-mail addresses in the post on your blog, or if that's beyond your capabilities, asking someone at blogger headquarters to do it for you. We couldn't give a damn if you want to misconstrue what we wrote -- that reflects poorly on your breeding. But posting e-mail addresses like that is out of bounds. We do play and pummel each other here, but it's all in good fun. If you want to play, perhaps you should observe for awhile and figure out what's acceptable. And NEVER post anyone's e-mail address. To paraphrase Brad Pitt... You know the first rule of Dave's blog right? You don't tell anyone who posts comments here.


The rest of us.

Done. I hope. no e-mail address (just your names) on the blog - I will watch a while before I chime in again... But aren’t you worried that the page still has your e-mail for others to find? Or does the mailto: block it?


Usage of the word "blueprinting" in the above posts is an example of the "verbing" of a noun ... the noun has taken on new characteristics, and is used as an action word, which actually changes the purpose -- and the perception -- of the particular letter combination,in any given context.

You're (not yore) welcome.

Kinda like the use of the word "verbing", no? Most engines builders know less about nouns and verbs than they know about Beth's vagina. I don't think it was intentional.

LTTG, but FWWT "Beth's Vagina" WBAGNFARB.

Just sayin'.


English Major: But engine builders know a whack more than IT industry people. We pretty well invented the term "outsourcing" to describe buying in your IT support instead of doing it in-house. The term still makes me cringe all these years later.

Beth: If you're still out there, the answer to your original question is to simply ignore rude/nasty people who comment on your blog and they will eventually get bored and go away of their own accord. That is the one great gift the internet provides us if you use it carefully - the right to ignore people in blogs and chat rooms. They HATE that.

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