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May 02, 2005

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS TV MOVIE

Vampires of the Sea

Key Quote: A Humboldt squid can grow to the size and weight of a hockey player. So, imagine Todd Bertuzzi with bulging eyes, eight arms, two tentacles, three hearts, a beak for a mouth, a brain wrapped around his esophagus and gullet with a willingness -- nay, eagerness -- to dine on his own kind every other meal.

Update: This is Todd Bertuzzi. This is a Humboldt squid. (Take it, Christobol.)

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whoa

Vampire squid the size of hockey players?

ok, now I have actually perused the article....just wanted to be first ...then I figured I would read the article and make a witty comment...so here goes...

WHOA! :D

Key quote: It's like waiting for Christmas

Sure, if Christmas at your house consists of being eaten alive by vicious flying squid, which of course WBAGNFARB

Congrats, C'bol on the props from the Big Guy.

*high five*

. . . imagine Todd Bertuzzi with bulging eyes, eight arms, two tentacles, three hearts, a beak for a mouth, a brain wrapped around his esophagus and gullet . . .

IW,AYCMM! (=I Won't, And You Can't Make Me!)

Perfectly describes any hockey player I ever met.

Now we're waiting for the Humboldt Squid* to make its farewell tour.

*WBAGNFARB

. . . imagine Todd Bertuzzi with bulging eyes, eight arms, two tentacles[check spelling -ed], three hearts, a beak for a mouth, a brain wrapped around his esophagus and gullet . . .

Wow, you know you've arrived when Dave commissions you to do photographic mangling on his behalf.

That's great, we can't all really be like Christobol. I mean, one Christobol in the world is probably enough. If there were more than one, they'd probably have to start eating each other and stuff. That would get ugly.

Christovorous, yeah, that's what they would be.

And everyone thinks Canada isn't tough. See what sort of marine life we've got? Not to mention our fishermen, who can kick vampire squids (and hockey players) in the 'hold'.

hey- he's really sexy....Todd ...not the squid

ps...Todd was suspended for sucker punching...coincidence? I think not.

:D

also-
D'Art.....that was funny
2 thumbs up
:D

...or 8 tentacles...take your pick

There's not many ways to be rid
Of cannibal, Gretzky-sized squid
If the Humboldts are swarming
Don't forget global warming
For the TV rights networks will bid.

Humboldt squid are named for their fascinating habit of humming before they devour their prey, then bolting away before they can be captured. (we have no idea where the extra 'd' came from it its name.) They have been known to hum in two-part harmony in temperate weather. Their favorite tune appears to be "When Johnny Comes Marching Home."

Thanks Dave!

Of course, I don't really think Todd looks so much like a squid. Well, maybe a little

This story is incredibly alarming. "As he made a quip about calamari, the squid ejected its ink."

The squid was clearly responding to the suggestion about being eaten. They've learned our language.

The squids know all our plans. We're no longer safe anywhere.

All your base are belong to us.

When a Humboldt eats too big a mullet
And fishbones are caught in its gullet
It's a matter of time (ick!)
Just give it the Heimlich!
A 'brain-squeeze' will help to expel it!

By the way, points for creativity on the name there, Mr. and Mrs. Gudmundseth. Of course, they passed the creativity down to their son, who really went for in when he picked a nickname.

Gudmund (Gudy) Gudmundseth

Possible titles for the cheesy TV movie:

"Calamari Strikes Back"
"Tentacles 8: The Squishing"
"Inked!"
"Suckers from the Deep" (also applies to the movie's investors

And the badly-dubbed Japanese entry:
"Godzilla vs. Todd Bertuzzi"

I imagine it was something like this . . .

I once saw contestants on The Iron Chef make squid ink soup and squid ink fried rice . . . . neither of which looked particularly appetizing. This is not particularly funny or witty, but I'm jsut saying, I saw it.

Phuket.

I've had lobster ravioli in an squid ink sauce.

Once.

slyeyes..

..ewwww

I bet is was expen$ive to, huh?

You might find that squid/hockeyplayer guy in here, but if I were you I wouldn't look.

And if you were me you already would have.

So don't look.

You looked, didn't you?

Nope, didn't look. I'm still trying to settle my stomach from the memory of the lobster ravioli which WAS expensive. (but I wasn't paying)

:)

And now it's time to "Name That Cephalopod!"

So will someone notify MKJ's ebayer that the creature depicted is more like a nautilus and less like a squid?

(the shell, man, the shell. It's heavy, man.)

Return of the Jumbo Flying Squid? RBCM 004-050-001? It's like waiting for Christmas????

Here's a question: Who looks at dark liquid ejecting out of an angry, slimy tube and thinks:

"I should make food with that".

elle, the same person who squeezed a chicken and ate the white thing that popped out.

elle, the same person who squeezed a chicken and ate the white thing that popped out.

"So, imagine Todd Bertuzzi with bulging eyes, eight arms, two tentacles, three hearts, a beak for a mouth, a brain wrapped around his esophagus and gullet with a willingness -- nay, eagerness -- to dine on his own kind every other meal."

This guy actually exists!! Well, sort of. He had no heart, and you'll have to replace the "n" in tentacles with an "s".

Where did I meet him? At an Iowa State University frat party, twenty years ago. I wonder if he ever made it back out to sea.

This just in from the News guys:

Tina Turner turns 65, will tour with Cher teeth or no teeth.

"Spring Break Cannibal Hockey Player Vampire Squid Attack!"

Starring Todd Bertuzzi and several pairs of breasts.

Tina Turner is touring with Cher's teeth?

or,
she's touring with no teeth...

*is confused*

"The creature was fixed in formalin for eight days before being placed in a 60-per-cent solution of isopropanol."

Wow. I spent a very emjoyable weekend in college in exactly the same mixture. It's still a fond, fond memory.

Well, It's about damned time!

(hopefully you know that I'm talking about him)

If not, I second Boo's Phuket.

"Aboard Miss Piggy II on a beautiful fall afternoon in the ocean..."

who knew miss piggy could float??

MKJ - I should have listened to you. It's almost as odd as Sean being a Tom Waits fan.

*Stupendous Man zips in to offer his Humboldt opinion*

Squid are the fiercest denizens of the deep. A few years ago Smithsonian Magazine ran a piece about a scientist researching squid by taking a night dive with underwater lights amidst thousands of Humboldts who were performing their mating ritual (which, oddly enough, doesn't include candlelight and champagne) in Baja California. They ripped away his breathing apparatus, and one of them almost got him in the jugular with its beak. This rough foreplay ruined the scientist's (read "idiot's") night and sent him packing back to his onshore laboratory.

*zips out ... ka-pwwiinngg!...to buy a Humboldt Squid (wbagnfarb) suit, which could come handy at Hallowe'en, or on his next date. Whichever comes first*

*Stupendous Man zips in with yet another observation*

While in Japan, Okinawa, Korea, Hong Kong, Viet Nam and Taiwan (no I didn't just zip there) long ago in the misty dawn of time, I often snacked on dried salted squid purchased at the local version of 7-Eleven, called Seben-Ereben, which came packaged like potato chips. They were cut evenly across the tentacles and resembled rubber bands. They could also be purchased, unpackaged, in open-air markets as the whole squid, butterflied, spread, salted and dried. It was a terrific snack that went great with cold Asahi, Orion, Bier LaRue, Ba-Moui-Ba or any of the other Far Eastern brews whose names escape me. And until today, I always thought it was the vast amount of squid I consumed that made me start to honk when I walked (zipped). Fortunately, I was in an area of the world that featured many beautiful women who would give me the time of day ("Ehcooz-a me-a
Eh-Stupid-a Mon. The time is ereben o'crock. Time-a you go back-a baillacks!") Maybe we should try marketing some of these Humboldts. And while we're at it, let's bring some of those women. And some beer.

*ka-pwiinngg!*

... pound for pound, the amoeba is the fiercest creature on earth ...

(don't remember who said that ... something I read somewhere ...

*zips in at the sound of U.O's keyboards*

Yes, a one-pound amoeba would no doubt be fierce if able to move like The Blob (in the remake, not [not knot, naught or gnawed] the Steve McQueen original). But, you see, an organism without the ability to locate its prey can't really be considered fierce, just insatiable and omnivorous. The squid, on the other hand (or tentacle), not only locates it's prey with one of the largest ocular organs in the natural world, it has stunning speed of movement and can apparently communicate, in a sense, using light producing chromatophores in its (not...oh, fuggedit!) skin. It also has one of the largest brain-to-body-mass ratios in the Animal Kingdom, if I remember correctly. Ergo, the squid vs amoeba battle would be no contest. I should also comment on the statement in the article that the Humboldt squid has eight tentacles and two arms. All my squid resources refer to the two "arms" as palps. During WW II, many airmen downed over the North Sea, wearing their red mae west life vests suffered what must have been one of nature's most horrible deaths when they were dragged from their life rafts by giant squid (Architeuthis). A few were able to kick loose from the tentacles but suffered terrible sucker-shaped scars for the rest of their lives. It seems the giant squid, in addition to its parrot beak mouth, has smaller beaklike structures within its suckers (just like the Humboldt) that begin to gnaw into its prey from the moment of contact. Isn't that enough to make you down another shot of single malt?

*ka-pwiinngg!*

... glug ...

OMG, blogging w/sfx

Nah,

the citation says "pound for pound" ... (I'm being the [Red] Devil's advocate, here) ... so, you gotta give me a 14-pound amoeba to match up with the squid in the news story ...

There's nothin' for the squid to latch onto, nothing for it's teeth and stuff to chew on ... (I'm thinking "BLOB" here, either one) and if the arm-thingies tried to squeeze it ... it just oozes away ... meanwhile, enveloping and absorbing its food source/prey ...

mebbe whomever said that shoulda said "voracious" ???

(oozes off, stage left, to check dictionary definition of voracious ...)

*zipping for his last post of the evening or maybe first post of the morning. someone pass the post toasties*

Quoting my last girlfriend Stella Lugosi, who studied marine biology at Parris Island: "Amoebae are essentially a very thin skin surrounding a bunch of glop. If you puncture the very thin skin, they go pop!" She always had a way of cutting through the bs and getting to the heart of the matter, i.e., Humboldt tentacles touch amoeba, skin is torn in multiple places, amoeba (all 14 pounds) goes pop!

Next, let's discuss Godzilla vs Megalon.

Keep up the good work! Nite, all! I'll meetcha back here in the p.m.

*ka-pwiinngg!*

I'm thinkin' (just for the fun of keeping this going) of Blob I ... where even bullets din't "make it go pop" ... and such ...

NBD ...

talk@ulater ... hoping to get some work done today ...

Coming to CBS... "Spring Break Squid Attack."

(Have I worn this joke out yet?)

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