Dave Barry's Blog

ADMIT IT, MR. OR MS. BUSINESS EXECUTIVE

You need this if you want to look professional.

(Via Gizmodo)

HEY, IF THIS FILIBUSTER THING DOESN'T WORK OUT

There are always other parliamentary maneuvers.

Update: They have found the culprit.

DEEP THROAT IDENTIFIED!

You are not going to believe who it is.

IT'S ALL STARTING TO COME TOGETHER NOW

The end is very near.

ATTENTION, ROCK BANDS LOOKING FOR NAMES

1) Antagonistic Monks
2) Defrocked
3) The Knuckle-Dusters
4) Boonlert Boonpan

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY CRIME IS OUT OF CONTROL

They're letting the chicken walk.

(Thanks to Matt)

THE BUZZ AROUND THE WATER COOLER

In China, it's Mongolian Cow Sour Sour Yogurt Super Girl!

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

TALK ABOUT YOUR STAYING POWER

This story has been sent in by the most people ever in the history of the blog. You can stop now. Thank you.

WHY WE LOVE THE ENGLISH

They're into sports.

(Thanks to Simon Phipps)

HOW IN THE WORLD DID WE MISS THIS?

Octopus porn

ATTENTION, PARENTS SEEKING JUST THE RIGHT PLAYTHING FOR BABY

How about a snake?

Key Quote: "I think she is a special child."

GREAT IDEA, OR EVIL PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY'S MYSORE MYSTERY CONTEST

Please explain this.

WHY WE LOVE AMERICA

Because we find strength in zucchini.

WHOOPS

Talk about your reality TV.

UH-OH

They're baaaack.

(Thanks to Gunde, who points out that the featured biologist has both biceps and brains. Which he certainly does.)

WILL THE TERROR NEVER END?

Now the bastards are scaring the hell out of local fish.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

SPEAKING OF BEERS AND CHURCH

Next time you nip up the weckershams to the pub, you may have to consider a career change.

(Thanks to Marie from Barcelona)

THANKS FOR ALL THE GOOD WISHES IN THE PREVIOUS POST

My plans include attendance at a local house of worship. Can we hear an A-men?

ATTENTION, EVERYBODY

Have a nice long weekend. I'm talking 10-15 days.

CHESS

The thinking person's game?

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

A READER'S PLEA

Dear Dave,

I am hoping you can help me...One day my spousal unit burst into song (the result of being married to me for 25 years) and chose the delightful ditty "There's a place in France." He proceeded to sing it this way:

There's a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the boys can see it all.

To which I immediately replied, "No! No! That's wrong! It goes like this:

There's a place in France
Where the ladies wear no pants
But the boys don't care
'Cause they like to see them bare.

After our usual 72-hour argument: "You're wrong!" "No, you're wrong!" it suddenly occurred to me -- maybe we're both right! Maybe there are dozens of lovely heartwarming verses. Maybe we're missing out on something really special!

Can you, great Dave Barry, send forth a request to your readers, with the hopes of enriching the arts? Can we ever really learn what transpired in the place in France?

I'm counting on you, Dave.

Your loyal friend,
Sherrie Holcomb

Hmmmm. Do you suppose poetry.com would have any of the missing verses?

CANADA, LAND OF THE STRICT

"Your call is very important to us. Please call back during regular business hours."

(Thanks to Nick Tran)

ARE BANKERS BORING?

Apparently not.

CANADA: LAND OF PEOPLE WHO DREAM BIG DREAMS

This item makes us wonder if maybe somebody we know should play the lottery.

Update: Ted Habte-Gabr, who is hypersensitive and paranoid and has therefore concluded that this post is somehow about him, sends the following rebuttal statement, quote:"LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA."

Also, in a transparent effort to divert this blog's attention from his mullet hairstyle, Ted adds:

"Moving on and focusing on the issues and the continuing sorry state and global decline in moral values:.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2005/5/26/nation/11050727&sec=nation

Update: UH-oh.

ATTENTION, MEN

You will be pleased to learn that it is not your fault.

SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO THINK MORE ABOUT

Lobster stress.

Key Quote: Following centrifugation (10 min, 15,000 g), aliquots of the resulting supernatants were taken for protein assay (Bio-Rad DC protein assay) and also combined (equal volumes) with 2 SDS sample buffer for SDS-PAGE (polyacrylamide gel electrophoresis) (Laemmli, 1970). SDS-PAGE samples were heated for 5 min at 100C, and loaded onto 18-well, 12.5% pre-cast polyacrylamide gels (Bio-Rad Criterion).

That's exactly how we always do it.

A MAJOR STRIDE FORWARD IN TOAD RESEARCH

Next on the agenda: tiny toad iPods.

ATTENTION, PEOPLE TRAVELING TO FINLAND

Go to the bathroom before you leave.

Update: Whoops. judi blogged this already. I keep saying this, but one of these days I am going to start actually reading this blog.

Update update: I am struck by the eerie similarity between judi's wording and mine. This makes me wonder: Are we actually the same person?

FORGET DISNEYWORLD

We're going to New York!

(Thanks to Robert Shearer, friend to women)

ATTENTION, TOURISTS

If you're going to Helsinki, go now.

(Thanks to MOTW and queensbee)

NEWS

Reuters officially joins the Headline of the Day club.

(Thanks to many alert readers)

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Enraged Biologists.

(Thanks to Master Chief)

SIXTH-GRADER-SIZED CATFISH GOES TO THAT BIG MUCKY HOLE IN THE SKY

Too much stress. It's a sad story, really; the thing was probably this close to getting its own reality-TV show, partying with Paris Hilton, etc.

(Thanks to many people)

WAIT A MINUTE....

Is this Monica?

TED'S MULLET HAIRSTYLE: THE ISSUE THAT WILL NOT DIE

Ted Habte-Gabr, having fared badly in the scientific poll conducted on this blog, has submitted the following photograph in a desperate scientific effort to prove that he does not, in fact, sport a mullet.

Ted also sends this statement:

I realize I may be opening a whole different can of worms with this photo, as it may bring us back full circle to the photo of Phil Spector that started all of this. But this pic would be one of those missed-haircut time frames which Judi alluded to and rendered me guilty of having a mullet. The pic obviously leads to an Arkansas connection. Nothing personal against the state of Arkansas or Arkansans, but the Arkansas connection may lead to a factoid that I would venture to say is true -- the state with the highest mullets per capita (MPC). We'd have to look up the latest US census report to ascertain that.

Case closed.

DISREGARD THE PREVIOUS ITEM! WE HAVE FOUND AN EVEN BETTER GIFT FOR DAD

Now he'll never have to stop the car.

(Via Gizmodo)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

And we know exactly what Dad wants.

TERRORIST THREAT AND GOOD BAND NAME OF THE DAY

Toilet Possum.

LAWSUIT OF THE DAY

Here's a class action.

UPDATE

I miss Marwan.

WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT SWIM IN THE MISSISSIPPI

Key Quote: No, seriously: It was roughly the size of a sixth-grader.

WHEN IT COMES TO TASTEFUL GIFTS...

...nothing says "You're a geek" like a hand-made Princess Leia Sock Monkey.

Key Quote: Princess Leia is probably not a children's toy.

(Thanks to Claire "The Force" Martin)

Update: We don't know what that thing is next to Princess Leia's waist, and we don't want to know.

UPDATE ON TED'S MULLET HAIRSTYLE

Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator for the Dave Barry for President Hurtling Juggernaut of Doom, takes issue with the poll conducted on this blog yesterday concerning the issue of whether or not he sports a mullet (correct answer: yes). Ted has conducted a poll of his own, and sends this report:

Just so you know: The poll results are in --

1. Joseph (Orthodox Jew) -- my dry cleaner........"Mullet? What is Mullet?" Thinks my hair looks just fine. So I asked him about the Jewfro? "Why you hang out with people who talk like this?" Translation: Not a Mullet

2. The Fed Ex Guy when he gets here (this could be a weird exchange, 'cause if its the regular guy, he definitely has a mullet).........He does in fact have a mullet, so i chickened out and didn't ask him. I like getting my Fedex, so I hope you understand....No Vote.

3. I did call my hairstylist, who said "They don't know what they're talking about, I don't do mullets." Translation: Not a Mullet.

4. The honey at Starbucks on my way to a meeting in an hour...."definitely not a mullet...is this a pick up routine?" No vote.

5. The receptionist where my meeting is. (she's a babe). She laughed, and said it wasn't a mullet -- "Not at all, been to kmart lately?"

Conclusion: Not a mullet.

Denial is not a pretty thing.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using plastic penises.

(Thanks to everybody in the world)

UPDATE: CAMEL 911

This is the story of a heroic 911 operator who did not immediately hang up.

(Thanks to Travis Williams)

GRANNY 911

But she was really hungry.

(Thanks to Paul Roub)

HEALTH CARE ANALYSIS OF THE DAY

"If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

FASCISTS!@(*&*%^&%!

Talk about man's inhumanity to man!

(Thanks to A. Mackid)

WE ARE HOPING THAT, SOME DAY, THERE WILL BE AN ACTUAL MOVIE

But for now, we hope you enjoy the trailer.