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May 27, 2005


"Your call is very important to us. Please call back during regular business hours."

(Thanks to Nick Tran)


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One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard...suicide hotline only open during business hours. Wonder what genius came up with that brilliant idea? Obviously...a politician!

Okay, first. Whatever.

Canada: Where Suicide Means Business... Hours Only.

Isn't government run health care effective?!

Excellent! I think this is a much more efficient use of scarce resources. In order to further reduce costs, and in furtherance of plans to legalize euthanasia in Canada, perhaps the recorded message should provide helpful hints on quick, easy and lowcost self-termination solutions.

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One of the things I was hearing is the government felt there weren't enough suicide-related calls," Wright said.
This has disaster written all over it. Politicians see a need, Politicians try to fill the need. Like the National Health Plan, the Canadian government will now be handing out poison, ropes, guns and other required devices to their citizens to make sure Canada doesn't fall behind their Southern Neighbor in the all important Suicide race.
Somewhere Up North, I would advise that you become Somewhere Down South as rapidly as possible.

I usually only want to kill myself while at work, so I find the new hours very convenient.

Thanks for the concern igloo. I think this was blogged yesterday when I also pointed out that the suicide barriers on our bridges only extend until you are over the water. Then you are free to jump. The theory being, it is far easier to fish your body out of the water than to scrape you up off the pavement during rush hour.

We are a very practical nation. Please don't have your suicide interfere with our nation's business....

You would think that since Canadia decriminalized pot, the Canadaneese people would be more likely to suffer Ben and Jerry's related deaths than suicides.

Also, what is there to depress or stress people out in a nation devoted primarily to hockey and meese production?

(just kidding Somewhere North, I know there's a thriving thermal underwear industry as well.)

PFM ...
you made me laugh out loud.

Wouldn't think of doin' myself in during peak hours...weekends are out...what's left?

I understand they are going to outsource the other 16 hrs to company in Guyana

"Hello, Canadia Department of Suicide Prevention and Moose Awareness, can I help you?"

"Yes, I thinking of ending it all."

"Ending all of what?"

"Capping myself."

"I don't follow."

"Suicide you dumb barstid."

"Oh, the suicide line is closed. This is the Moose Awareness line."

"Come again?"

"No thanks, I just did."

"Why is the suicide line closed?"

"It's after business hours. If you're going to commit suicide, you'll need to come back between 8 and 5, Monday through Friday. Except during 12-1, which is lunch break."

"Why in the hoary hosts of hell is the Moose Awareness line open 24 hours?"

"Are you suggesting that we ask the meese to observe business hours? We've only just recently trained them to hold still when they hear a zipper."

*sigh* "Never mind. I'll just make a sandwich."

Fed - you forgot about our thriving Making Fun of Americans industry. That accounts for at least 1/2 of our gross domestic profits per year and also explains the lack of suicides among us.

It all really makes sense - make pot legal and the suicide rate drops. Mainly because by the time they are done their bong, sleeping seems like a good idea and hanging yourself is just too much work.

Fed, Fed, Fed. The Moose Hotline is for those people who desperately require a moosehead BEER at any given hour of the day. Of course it is 24 hours. Priorities.

We are happy, if slightly tipsy and more than a little high nation....


Hi Opiesgirl. Exactly who are the idiots? The the suicidal people, Canadians, Americans, politicians, moose, darth vader flashers....

Of course, calling the suicidal people idiots probably won't help their situation any.

"Suicide Prevention Hotline, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I need a case of Moosehead delivered to 346 North...."

"Sir, this is a suicide line."

"If I say I'll kill myself if I don't get a beer, will you help me?"

"..... I quit."

*zips in NOT high*

Fed and S.N. Canadia decriminalized pot,???

When did that happen? Why didn't I get the memo??

S.N. - I've been thinking of visiting you - how about it?

*zips out to renew passport*

That is EXACTLY why we got rid of the suicide hotline. Our beer stores deliver. Once they get a couple beer in their systems, they settle down.

This is also, incidentally, how we deal with mental illness, irate seniors calling 911, mullet wearing field coordinators, and occasionally we use beer to get our children to quiet down...

Eleanor, come on up. It is now officially a misdemeanor. Particularly if you refuse to share with the police officer. We insist on politeness up here after all and not sharing is a criminal offense.

One of the things I was hearing is the government felt there weren't enough suicide-related calls

Not ENOUGH??? Well, quick, someone start depressing the hell out of the Canadiens so they can justify having the hotline open 24/7.

"Suicide Hotline. Please hold..."

Okay, it's an old joke. But it's late.

ahh man its crazy, whats up with this new thing...almost as crazy as british doctors wanting to ban kitchen knives...

ahh man its crazy, whats up with this new thing...almost as crazy as british doctors wanting to ban kitchen knives...

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