A READER'S PLEA

Dear Dave,

I am hoping you can help me...One day my spousal unit burst into song (the result of being married to me for 25 years) and chose the delightful ditty "There's a place in France." He proceeded to sing it this way:

There's a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the boys can see it all.

To which I immediately replied, "No! No! That's wrong! It goes like this:

There's a place in France
Where the ladies wear no pants
But the boys don't care
'Cause they like to see them bare.

After our usual 72-hour argument: "You're wrong!" "No, you're wrong!" it suddenly occurred to me -- maybe we're both right! Maybe there are dozens of lovely heartwarming verses. Maybe we're missing out on something really special!

Can you, great Dave Barry, send forth a request to your readers, with the hopes of enriching the arts? Can we ever really learn what transpired in the place in France?

I'm counting on you, Dave.

Your loyal friend,
Sherrie Holcomb

Hmmmm. Do you suppose poetry.com would have any of the missing verses?

Comments

[sarah]

I think the first verse is correct...it makes more sense too...if something like that CAN make sense

[sarah]

I think the first verse is correct...it makes more sense too...if something like that CAN make sense

[sarah]

whoops...and first twice....don't hate

[Pete Shinn]

Back in my youth it went like this:

Oh they don't wear pants
In the southern part of France
All the men wear glasses
To see their ladies' asses

[nothing but truth]

In the hoochie koochi dance
where the women where no pants
and any pants they wear
are enough to freeze a bear

[Ryan]

I always heard a version similar to both but with three parts:

There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance
There's a whole in the wall so the men can see it all
But the men don't care 'cause they wear no underwear

Personally, I think "cause they like to see them bare" makes more sense, but that's how I always heard it.

[Wally Ballou]

We sang:
"There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants - there's a place near Mars, where the ladies smoke cigars"

Wally B

[Trillian]

the first one was how we used to sing it

[insomniac]

here's a wildly mutant version (the ladies are clothed, it doesn't rhyme, and more lines..)

There's a place in France
Where the ladies do a dance
One didn't do it,/ so they kicked her in the pants
The pants she wore, cost a dollar ninety-four, plus tax

[froggerwood]

There's a place in France
Where the ladies wear no pants
And the men all run around
With their willies hagning down
There's a place in France

[M.C.]

I've heard a million verses of this song, but the factual origins of either of your versions being 'correct' are sketchy.

That said: Solved.

Make sure, for verification, that you scroll down to the 'alternate lyrics' section.

[Fred]

They're both correct; these kinds of things evolve over time and across geographies, so there are probably hundreds of versions. So far I've found those two, plus:

----
There's a place in France,
Where the women do a dance,
And the men go around
With their pants hanging down.
----
There's a Place in France where the Naked Ladies dance,
theres a hole in the wall where the boys can see it all,
but the Boys don't care cuz they chew they're underwear,
and the underwear they chew, costs a dollar ninety two.
----
There's a place in France
Where the ladies do a dance
But the dance they do
Was invented by Magoo
But Magoo wouldn't dance
So they kicked him in the pants
But the pants he wore
Cost a dollar ninety four
But the tax was wrong
So they had to sing a song:

(sung to the tune of My Country 'Tis Of Thee)
My country 'tis of thee
I went to Germany
To see the king
The king was Donald Duck
He drove a garbage truck
and Magoo-oo-oo ate it up
and so may you.
----
There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance.
There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.
----
There's a place on Mars where the women smoke cigars.
Every breath they take is enough to kill a snake.
----

[Dave]

I always thought it was: In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby.

[Yaish]

Either way, this is the first thing that ever made me want to go to France.

[queensbee]

oh they wear no pants
in the hulahula dance

that's all i remember. in fact none of this do i remember, but its hilarious.

[Bryce]

Where the hell is France?

[SteveB]

Dave is correct. It goes like this:

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby,
The girls in France,
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby,
They don't wear no groovy pants.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby,
They don't wear no pants at Woodstock either,
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby,
There is no word that rhymes with "either" and means pantsless.

[M.C.]

Yeah, I thought Team America got rid of the heart of Paris... I guess they left the naked ladies, though. Go Team!

[opiesgirl]

I have always liked:

I see London,
I see France,
I see Ladies
Underpants!

[Federal Duck]

I've always heard it:

There's a place in Des Moines
Where hamsters shake their loins

There's a place at the zoo
Where all the tigers moo.

[Bismuth]

Oh, there's a place in Maine
Where the ladies harvest grain
Wearing penguin thongs
While the boys all sing this song:
Oh, there's a place in Maine
Where the ladies harvest grain
Wearing penguin thongs
While the boys all sing this song:
Oh, there's a place in Maine
Where the ladies harvest grain
Wearing penguin thongs
While the boys all sing this song:
Oh, there's a place in Maine
Where the ladies harvest grain
Wearing penguin thongs
While the boys all sing this song:
Oh, there's a--

*insert sound of Bismuth being clobbered by 500 penguin thongs and 250 frozen brassieres while a duck quacks*

[Matt]

Close, but for one word it was perfect.

There's a place CALLED France
Where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the boys can see it all.

Hence, France is almost completely composed of naked ladies dancing while boys peer at them through poorly constructed walls.

[Marvin]

What the heck? When did France suddenly get a lot of places?

[Federal Duck]

I looked it up on the CIA fact check website, and they believe that France is:

"A place in either Europe or Australia, consisting of Paris and The Rest of France, where naked hamsters dance and the construction sucks."

If you can't trust the CIA, who can you trust?

[Bryce]

Oh.

[Eleanor]

I always heard it as There's a town in France, etc.

As Marvin said, when did France get "places"? They have towns!

Duh!

[Neilman]

I was born in Florida, so I think this must be the Florida version...

There's a place in France
Where the alligators dance
One didn't dance, so they shot him in the pants
The pants that he wore cost a dollar ninety-four
So the alligator couldn't wear pants anymore

[Joe E O]

What about this song that is burned in to my
memory:

In the land of mars
where the women smoke cigars
every breath they take
is enough to kill a snake

When the snake is dead
the put diamonds in his head
when the diamonds break
it's in 1968.

[Sam G.]

Joe-My brothers and I used to sing a song similar to that. It goes:

Not last night but the night before
24 robbers came knocking at my door
I asked them what they wanted
and this is what they said:

"On the Planet Mars
Where the ladies smoke cigars
and every breath you take
is enough to kill a snake

When the snake is dead
put a diamond in its head
when the diamond shines
it is 1999."

Why do we remember all of that?

[LadyBug]

We always sang

All the girls in France
Do the hootchie-cootchie dance.
There's a hole in the wall
Where the men can see it all.

We also sang (same tune)

All the girls in Spain
Dance nekkid in the rain.
There's a hole in the wall
Where the men can see it all.

Note, in the above verse, naked must be pronounced NEKKID, or it simply does not work. Not here in Texas, anyway.

[D'Artagnan]

There's a place in... no.

There's a place called... no.

Dang, this is harder than it looks.

There's a town in... no.

Look, something shiny!

[BelovedLamb]

I must have grown up with the cleanest version possible...very similar to the version from Florida:

There's a place in France
where the alligators dance
But the dance they do was invented by Magoo
and Magoo couldn't dance so they shot him in the pants
and the pants he wore cost a dollar ninety four,
plus tax, cha cha cha.

Of course, I grew up thinking the "Pina Colada song" was the "green enchilada song" LOL

[Bill Walsh]

I heard:

No, they don't wear pants
In the southern part of France
But they do wear grass
To cover up their...

You get the idea.

[kathy]

there's a place in france
where the alligators dance
but the pants they wore
were a dollar ninety four (PLUS tax)

this must be the absolute cleanest possible version. i grew up in a part of LA that makes me a "valley girl," always a source of amusement.

[golfwidow]

All the girls in France
Like to do the hula dance
And the way they shake
Is enough to kill a snake

When the snake is dead
They put roses on its head
When the roses die
They put diamonds in its eyes

Why I know that, I do not know. Why I learned it in second grade, I know even less.

[queensbee]

on top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
when somebody sneezed.

i'm still laughing. hoochie koochie dance? hulamula? now. what is the tune?

[Balanchine]

Growing up here in Miami we used to sing this version of the old favorite. Winter was the cruelest season for us.

(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Hear the guns,
They’re a cracklin’,
All the boys,
Out car-jackin’,

Here comes a drive-by,
I hope I don’t die,
Bleeding in the urban hinterland.

Got my smack,
Nice and gritty,
All the hos...
They’re so pretty!

We flashed our gang sign,
Our box is pure pine,
Bleeding in the urban hinterland.

Once a week we go collect our welfare,
Blow it all on crack and gettin’ l**d,
‘less we see the man in blue, oh well there,
goes sixty days out in the old stockade.

Need a fix,
Hands are shaking,
Pulled my piece,
Sweat is breaking,

They’ll lie on the floor,
While I make my score!
Bleeding in the urban hinterland.

[Lairbo]

The first version I ever heard (I subsequently heard many of the variations above) ran:

There's a place in France
Where the men all wear no pants,
But the girls don't care 'cause
They wear no underwear.

Yeah, I know. I'd be curious to see how the kid who told me this version turned out.

Also:
Beloved Lamb: You should either offer the "Green Enchilada" song to Weird Al Yankovich, Christobol, or record it yourself. I already like it better than the original.

[Rockchild]

There's a place in France
and if your smart you'll get a chance
to see ladies bare through a wall
because somebody made a whole through it
and I'm sure it wasn't Dave Barry
because he's not a pervert like my big brother
who has more girlfriends than Bush has Pretzels

How was that?

[Kev]

When I heard it as a kid, I remember it being the first two lines from the second example and the last two lines of the first example, which seems to fit with the "schoolyard version" offered up by one of the previous links. I guess that means I was in the right schoolyard...

[igloo]

Oh, MY God, Queensbee. Dick Biondi, WLS Chicago, circa 1961.

[bert]

I think you all are missing the most important part of this post: where is this place/town, and can anyone break this twenty for ones?

[Rockchild]

"can anyone break this twenty for ones?"

I don't think that was part of the song, bert.

[sj]

fred,

on the 'my country tis of thee' song --

in third grade we sang it this way:

my country's tired of me
i'm going to germany
to see the king

his name is mickey mouse
his wife is minnie mouse
they live in a chicken house
she keeps it clean.

[Rachel]

I always sang it the first way. I wonder if it is a regional thing.

I grew up in the Chicago area and would have been singing it in the 70s and 80s. There was after the fourth line but I don't remember it!

[Rachel]

I always sang it the first way. I wonder if it is a regional thing.

I grew up in the Chicago area and would have been singing it in the 70s and 80s. There was more after the fourth line but I don't remember it!

[Smoodle]

Doesn't everybody singing the song kind of let the cat out of the bag? Why don't they plug up that hole?

[Alex]

nancy, the one I heard was a little longer:

Tic tac toe
Three in a row
Barney got shot by a G I Joe
Barney called the doctor and the doctor said
Whoomp! Barney's dead!
Whoomp! Barney's dead!

Anyway, here's my contribution:

You know they don't wear pants
On the other side of France
But nobody cares
'cause they're in their underwear

Nor do they wear caps
Or shoot craps
'cause they've got too much hair
And they spent all their cash on strippers

Oh, wait...that's supposed to rhyme. But it's about strippers instead. Close enough.

[alisaren]

we used to sing this in second grade at St Paul's Catholic school :D

this land is my land
and only my land
if you don't get off
I'll shoot you head off
I've got a shotgun
and you ain't got one
this land was made for only me

did I mention this was the year I moved to Texas?
:D

[slyeyes]

Dick Biondi, WLS? Not Larry Lujack?

[marlodianne]

Gee, the version I heard, sung to her darling newborn by my nextdoor nighbour was:

In the land of France
Where the ladies wear no pants
In the land of Oz
Where the ladies wear no bras

Frankly, it's less mentally damaging than 'Rockabye Baby'....

[Sophia]

Looks like in Toronto we sang it like this:

In the land of Oz,
where the ladies wear no bras
But the men don't care,
'cuz they wear no underwear.

The whole cigar and snake thing made up the second verse.

[Sarah J]

I remember my dad once singing about cigars and mars, but my brother sang it like this:
You're a snake snake snake
you're a snake snake snake snake snake
I think that he was about four years old.

[alanboss]

I wish I had gotten to this post sooner. I knew that no good could come from that request!

And, My memory of "On Top of Spaghetti" was Tom Glazer circa 1960.

And, Nancy. Get control of your kids!

[mackerelhead]

Heard in Los Angeles, 1955, but obviously originating in the 1930's, this adds to the cigar/snake cycle:

"... and the snake they kill
Has the name of Rogers Will."

[mackerelhead]

And I the only person in the world who knows about the Place on Venus?

[JimW]

Thanks for the earworm.

[ALDentist]

If only we could harness all this creative energy for good rather than for evil...

[Owen Lorion]

I'm surprised! I expected to read a lot more remembered verses (WWI or maybe WWII era?) than I've seen here so far. I even googled without finding much more. In contrast, I found a lot on the other schoolyard rhyme I recall to the same chant:

Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

Do your ears hang high?
Do they reach up to the sky?
Do they droop when they are wet?
Do they stiffen when they're dry?
Can you semaphore your neighbour
with a minimum of labour?
Do your ears hang high?

Do your ears flip-flop?
Can you use them for a mop?
Are they stringy at the bottom?
Are they curly at the top?
Can you use them for a swatter?
Can you use them for a blotter?
Do your ears flip-flop?

[Balanchine]

Owen, we sang that too, the one about the ears that is, only it was a lower part of the (male) anatomy.

[oysterback]

All the girls in France
Have ants in their pants
All the girls in France
Do the hoochie coochie dance

And...

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded and it exploded
Traveling way too far

We two kings of Orient are
etc, etc.

I can't believe I remember this stuff!

[sonia]

My DH taught me the following version:

There's a place called France,
Where the women wear no pants.
And the men, they say -
They wear nothing but berets.

This kind of stuff, I remember.
But for important things - I have a terminal care of CRS !

[MiseryLovesCompany]

See, and I know it,

There's a place in france
where the naked ladies dance,
theres a whole in the wall,
where the men can see it all,
and the cops don't care
sitting in their dirty underwear.

Then again, I *did* have a rather strange childhood.

[Alex]

oysterback, I learned a more violent version of that one, too:

We three kings of orient are
Trying to light a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Now there are only two

And there were three verses, you'd just keep going until all of the kings were killed off.

[Mike]

There's a land in France,
where the ladies wear no pants.
And the men run around
with their britches hangin' down.

It's possible my Dad made up those words. He was from the mountains of Southwest Virginia; hence the vernacular.

[liebestraum]

I swear to God, I never heard this song before. This has been a real eye-opener.

Thanks, everyone, for all the laughs.

[teachmiami]

I heard it like this: There's a place in France where the women wear no pants, they just wear grass to cover up their *ss.

[Blogchik]

The version I heard was:

There's a place in France
Where the naked women dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the men can see it all
But the men don't care
Cause they don't wear underwear.

Alex- I also heard your version of "We three kings."

Anybody remember the version of "On top of old Smokey" that went like this:

On top of spaghetti
All covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
When somebody sneezed

Good times.

[golfwidow]

Ah, WWII stuff. Sometimes it's really great having an old dad.

(to the tune of The Bridge Over the River Kwai)

Hitler had only one big ball.
Churchill had two but they were small.
Mussolini,
He lost his weenie.
And Joseph Goeb-balls had no balls at all.

[Blogchik]

WWII related:

Dewey was an admiral on Manila Bay,
Dewy was a morning on the month of May,
Dewy were her eyes as she swore her love so true.
Do we love each other?
Yes indeed we do!

What about this one?

Whistle while you work,
Hitler is a jerk,
Moussoulini is a weenie,
Whistle while you work!

[Niimarra]

Apparently, I went to the evil teacher school:

On top of old smokey, all covered with sand;
I shot my poor teacher, with a red rub-ber-band...
She wasn't quite dead yet, that's what they said,
So I took my bazooka, and blew off her head...
We went to her funeral, and drank lemonaide,
My sisters threw flowers, I threw a grenade

Or the old favorite:
Da-da-dum-de-ay
The teacher passed away
We threw her in the bay
The sharks had lunch today
Da-da-da-dum-de-ay

Or even:
Deck the halls with gasoline,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la
Light a match and watch it gleam,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la
Watch the school burn down to ashes
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Aren't you glad you played with matches,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la

You know, I spent weeks memorizing the state capitals and the anatomy of a rat, but do I remember any of that stuff from all those years ago? No, but this, this I remember.

And just because it had to be here somewhere:
I love you, you love me,
Lets Hang Barney From a Tree

[bbxl]

Oh, they don't wear pants
In the Southern part of France,
But they do wear leaves,
To protect them from the breeze.

[Keith.]

Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mussolini bit my weenie
Now it doesn't work

[Keith.]

We three kings of Orient are,
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar.
It was loaded, and it exploded,
And all of them went to Mars.

[Keith.]

We three kings of Orient are,
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar.
It was loaded, and it exploded,
And all of them went to Mars.

[Keith.]

We three kings of Orient are,
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar.
It was loaded, and it exploded,
And all of them went to Mars.

[Sarah]

I think you are all wrong (well, I only read half of them) but it goes:

In the land of Oz
Where the ladies smoke cigars
Every breath they take is enough to kill a snake
When the snakes are dead
They put roses in their head
When the roses die
They put diamonds in their eye
when the diamonds break
It is 1958

[angbeth]

on top of spaghetti
all covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
when somebody sneezed

it rolled off the table
and onto the floor
and then my poor meatball
rolled right out the door

it rolled in the garden
and under a bush
and then my poor meatball
was nothing but mush!!!!

[angbeth]

on top of spaghetti
all covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
when somebody sneezed

it rolled off the table
and onto the floor
and then my poor meatball
rolled right out the door

it rolled in the garden
and under a bush
and then my poor meatball
was nothing but mush!!!!

[chris]

About THERE'S A PLACE IN FRANCE:

There's actually a place in France where the naked ladied dance,
and the dance they do is enough to kill a Jew,
and the Jew they kill is enough to take a pill,
and the pill they take is enough to fry a snake,
and the snake they fry is enough to tell a lie,
and the lie they tell is enough to go to hell:

there's a land called Mars where the ladies smoke cigars
and the men come along and they sing this silly song!

[Leah]

Okay...
I learned:
There's a place in france where the naked people dance. (and I don't know the rest.)

and:
There's a place in Oz where the women smoke cigars
every puff they take is enough to kill a snake,
when the snake is dead, they put flowers in its head,
when the flowers break, it's the end of '88.
(I learned this in kindergarten in boston in 1983-4)
And the end of the meatball song is

"so if you eat spaghetti,
all covered with cheese,
hold on to your meatball,
and don't ever sneeze!"

there's a great book on children's folklore, called (not surprisingly) "american children's folklore." by someone named Bronner. I was looking for a good link to a review of it and didn't find a review anywhere. My mom had a course in Children's folklore when she was doing her DSW.

[matt]

i remember:

in the land of france,
where the women where no pants,
but the men dont care,
cause they where no underwear

[talim]

I remember when I was around 5 or 6...

There's a place on mars
Where babies smoke cigars
And men wear bakinies
And women drink martinies
There a snake lies dead
I put mustard on its head
When the mustard dries
I put diamonds on his eyes
When the diamonds break
It is 1948

[Dana]

This is the version I learned as a child in Canada:
In the land of Oz
Where the ladies smoke cigars
But they do not care
Cause they don't wear underwear
They wear roses in the hair
When they roses die
They put diamonds in their eyes
When the diamonds break
It is 1968

[Mika Selm]

Actually, both you and your wife were wrong. The original song was composed by Sol Bloom, and the lyrics were by James Thornton. IT was called The Little Country MAid. The lyrics are a bit vague, but I think the girl has some sort of VD.

Here are the original lyrics.

I will sing you a song,
And it won't be very long,
'Bout a maiden sweet,
And she never would do wrong,
Ev'ryone said she was pretty,
She was not long in the city,
All alone, oh, what a pity,
Poor little maid.

She never saw the streets of Cairo,
On the Midway she had never strayed,
She never saw the kutchy, kutchy,
Poor little country maid.

She went out one night,
Did this innocent divine,
With a nice young man,
Who invited her to dine,
Now he's sorry that he met her,
And he never will forget her,
In the future he'll know better,
Poor little maid.

She never saw the streets of Cairo,
On the Midway she had never strayed,
She never saw the kutchy, kutchy,
Poor little country maid.

She was engaged,
As a picture for to pose,
To appear each night,
In abbreviated clothes,
All the dudes were in a flurry,
For to catch her they did hurry,
One who caught her now is sorry,
Poor little maid.

She was much fairer far than Trilby,
Lots of more men sorry will be,
If they don't try to keep way from this
Poor little country maid.

[BuffaloBen]

I'm late to the party, I know, sacre bleu!
But my memory needs prodding to flow, zut alors!
To my tenderer ears
Accompanied by cheers
Came this version in one nine six oh, quel frommage!

There's a place in France
Where the women do a dance.
They don't wear any girdles
'Cause there too many turtles.
There's a place in France.

1959-60
Glen Cairn Elem School; 2nd Grade
E. Lansing, MI

[Nikki Shams]

Finally google found me the france song instead of giving me bizarre porno sites!

Ok, our version of this land is your land was:
This land is my land, its not your land
I got a shotgun, and you don't got one
I blow your head off, and you run crying
This land was made for me not you"

I remember our music teacher used to get furious at us for singing it in elementry school in the 80s.

And after reading all the versions, this is how i remember the france one:
"In the land of France wear the ladies wear no pants
and the men wear bikinis and the women drink martinis
And in the land of mars where the babies smoke cigars
and every step you take is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead you put monsters on its head
when the monsters die you put diamonds in their eyes
when the diamonds break you decide to bake a cake
when the cake is done it is 1941"

I remember the meatball song being an illustrated childrens book and the cover had a giant mountain of spaghetti and it rolled all over the place before it was mush? I think it was written by the same person who did the miss lucy and tiny tim book, where the miss lucy and steamboat originated?

the one I'm having trouble remembering now is the one that went
"Criss cross, applesauce
spiders walking up your arms
....
A tight squeeze, a light breeze, now you got the chills"
--what was the part with the knife in the back and the egg in the hair?

Remember this one?

"My darling playmate
Come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three
Climb up my apple tree
Slide down my rainbow
Into my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends
Forever more
1 2 3 4
My darling playmate
I cannot play today
My dolly has the flu
She barfed up* in my shoe
I washed her all off
And put her into bed
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Forever more
1 2 3 4
My darling enemy
Come out and fight with me
And bring your rifles three
Climb up my poison tree
Slide down my nail board**
Into my cellar door
And there I'll lock you up
Forever more
1 2 3 4

sorry for the long post- my friend called me at work today to ask me about the france song because it got stuck in her head and she couldn't remember it hence my procrastination from working to look up all the childrens songs i couldn't remember =p

[Nathaniel, 4th grade]

Actually this is how I think it goes.

On the planet Mars where the babies smoke cigars
And the women drink martinis
And the boys wear bikinis
There once was a snake that was hit with a rake
When it was dead they put mustard on its head
When the mustard dried they put jewels on its eyes
When the jewels cracked they put ketchup on its back
When the ketchup turned to brittle they put a bun around its middle

Then everyone yells, "Hey it's a hot dog!"

Actually it's more like a hot snake. But you get the point.

[Nathaniel, 4th grade]

I learned this in 2nd grade, although I don't know what kind of violent maniac taught me this, but here it goes.

I hate you, you hate me,
Barney is my enemy
Stick a rocket up his nose
Pull the trigger whoop there he goes.

Barneys dead I barbecued his head
Don't worry about the body
I flushed it down the potty.

[anonymous]

There's a place on mars
where the ladies smoke cigars
and the brand they smoke
is enough to kill a goat
and the goat they kill
is enough to take a pill
and the pill they take
is enough to fry a snake
and the snake they fry
is enough to tell a lie
and the lie they tell
is enough to go goto hello operator
give me number nine
if you disconnect me
i'll show you my behind the refrigerator
there was a piece of glass and little annie sat on it and cut
her little ask me no more questions
tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom, zipping down their flies

[anonymous]

Remember the rhyme: Theres a place on mars where
the ladies smoke cigars.

We made up on using Venus instead of Mars.

(sorry, can't post this one)

[Sly]

miss mary had a streamboat;
the steam boat had a bell
ding ding
miss mary went to heaven,
the steamboat went to
HELLO operator
please give me number nine
and if you disconnect me,
i'll kick you in the
Behind the yellow curtain
There was a tpeice of glass,
miss mary sat upon it
and broke her little
ask me no more questions
please tell me no more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
ziping up their
flies are in the city
the bees are in the park
miss mary and her boyfriend
are kissing in the
D-A-R-K
D-A-R-K
D-A-R-K
dark dark dark dark
dark is like the movies
the movie's like the show
a show is on a tv screen
and that is all i know
i know my mother
i know i know my pa
i even know my sister with the 80 foot-long bra!!!

that's a version from Toronto in the early 90...

[Malaia]

theres a place on mars
where woman smoke cigars
while men where bakinies
while children drink martinies
and every breath you take is enough to kill a snake
and when the sake is dead
you put roses on his head
when the roses die
you put diamends in his eye
when the diamends crack
you put mustsrd down his back
when the mustard fades
this is the kings favorite phrase
no laughing
no talking
no showing your teeth
it goes on again and again
and this will never end

[Robert & Rachel]

ms mary had a tugboat
the tugboat had a bell
TOOT TOOT
ms mary went to heaven
and the tugboat went to
HELLo operator
please give me number 9
and if you disconnect me
i will chop off your
BEHIND
the refrigarator,
there is a piece of glass,
and if you dare to sit on it
it will go straight us your
ASSk me no more questions
tell me no more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
zipping down thier
FLIES are in the country,
bees are in the park
boys and girls are kissing in the
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K
dark as in a movie
movie as in a show
show was in a TV show
and that is all
I know i know your mother,
i know i know your dad
i know i know your sister
and i hope they go to
Hello operator, please give me number 9
and if you disconnect me i will chop of your
BEHIND

Repeat from there, until you cant breath

[Robert]

on top of spagetti
all coverd in blood
i shot my poor teacher
with a 44-slug

[Stephen]

Or....

In the land of Oz,
Where the ladies wear no bras,
But the men don't care,
Cuz they wear no underwear.

And...

We three kings of oil and tar,
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar,
It was loaded and exploded,
That's how we travelled so far.

[Megan]

In the land of oz where the women wear no bras
and the men dont care cuz they dont wear underwear
and the kids dont mind cuz they do it all the time
here comes a gennie with an artifical winnie.

[Mark]

There's a place on Mars where the ladies smoke cigars,
but the mem don't care because they smoke their underwear.

[LYDIA]

This is my daughter's version that her first grade classmate taught her.

On the planet Mars
where the babies smoke cigars
and the men wear bikinis
and the women drink martinis
every sip they take is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead they put mustard in his head
when the mustard dryes they put diamonds in his eyes
when the diamonds break it's a hundred 48
"FREEZE"!!!

(And each chanter double points at the other chanter on "freeze")

[R. Black]

Here's a version that was circulating through the designated play areas of Coventry, Rhode Island, schools a la fin de siecle. My kids brought it home with them, the little bastards. The song remains the same, and so does the mentality.

There's a hole in the ground
where the naked people live,
but the men don't care
'cause they wear no underwear.