« March 2005 | Main | May 2005 »

April 13, 2005

NOT THIS BLOG

Here is yet another example of a story that is not funny¹ at all, and far too tasteless to post on this blog².

¹Except for the last sentence

²Even though 87% of you sent it in. (Thanks.)

OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY IS AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH

We have to do something.

(Thanks, a long time ago, to wysiwig)

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

We WILL install Windows XP Service Pack 2 on your computer.

DO NOT RESIST, or we will also install Windows XP Service Pack 2 on your other household appliances.

BIG NEWS FROM BANGKOK

Deputy Public Health Minister Anithin Charnveerakul says Thailand has landed the Super Bowl of toilet events.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am on the road today, and I do not plan to return until I have learned to pronounce "Tuscarawas."

THESE KIDS TODAY, AND THEIR SO-CALLED "MUSIC"

It is out of control.

CALLING TIGER WOODS

Australia needs you.

April 12, 2005

WE WANT A BUTTON THAT MAKES THEM SHOO

If we are understanding this correctly, those wacky dudes and dudettes in the scientific community have developed remote-controlled fruit flies.

(Via Gizmodo)

UH-OH

From the rocket scientists who forced us to "save water" by flushing our toilets three times more often than we used to, we face the imminent threat of low-flow ceiling fans.

(Thanks to William F. Cook)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

Finally, somebody has done something to protect our precious cat resources from Secret Government Mind-Control Rays.

(For reasons that go without saying, this protection is not really necessary for dogs.)

(Thanks to Beth Werrell)

ADVISORY

Be advised that blogging is light today as a result of light blogging. Be further advised that, over in Northumberland, they are building bridges for squirrels. This blog wants to know:
What are they going to provide for squirrels next? Toupees?

FASCISM ALERT

Be aware: They're considering taking away a Florida school bus driver's right to drag race.

(Thanks to Chris Paxton)

April 11, 2005

24

UH-oh. The president is in Danger. Granted, the president has been in danger for like two months now, but this time he appears to be in Grave Danger.

Update: Apparently, when the president is in Grave Danger, Jack is in charge of security and everything for the whole entire United States.

Update: It turns out there is a vice president, who is being advised by an Evil Man who we can tell is Evil because he is lit with red lighting.

Update: UH-oh. The nuclear football is missing! Fortunately it went down only 40 miles from -- surprise! -- Jack. He will have to go get it, even though this could put him in exctreme and immediate danger.

Update: The president is alive!

Update: But not in good shape. Evil Red-Light Man is wetting his dark suit with secret joy.

Update: The Moron Camping Couple found the football!

Update: UH-oh. Somebody beat Jack to Moron Camping Couple. Could it possibly be...

Update: MARWAN! That guy is everywhere.

Update: Jack is trying to prevent Passive Triangulation from the Moron Camping Couple's cell phone. Unfortunately, it yielded a vector. I hate it when my cell phone yields a vector.

Update: Moron Camping Woman: "We're not in any danger, right?"

Update: Jack is in the world's slowest helicopter.

Update: Jack needs the latch code to the football! (The WHAT??)

Update It's *76144, in case you ever need it.

Update: OK, can anybody explain how come, when the nuclear football is loose IN CALIFORNIA, the terrorists have more people on the scene than the United States does? We have ONE GUY THERE. And of course the campers.

Update: Jack is using the Old Fire Trick. Marwan fell for it! What a dope that Marwan is sometimes.

Update: Marwan is VERY mean.

Update: Jack saved the MCs, but Marwan has the football, which means the president is in grave... No, wait, it's EVEN WORSE than that!

Update: They just showed a commercial for the new Victoria's Secret IPEX bra. Whoa.

Update: Jack has the football... or so he thinks.

Update: Red chapter section three is missing!

Update: Seriously, that IPEX brassiere is very impressive.

WHILE YOU WAIT FOR YOUR COFFEE

You might as well be really frustrated productive.

(Thanks to thefly)

PLEASE BE PATIENT, SIR

Your coffee will be ready in 5 to 7 days.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

PEACE COMING SOON TO MIDDLE EAST

Both sides will unite against a common enemy.

(Via Sploid)

MOST AMAZING AND UNEXPECTED 24 PLOT TWIST EVER

In this episode, Jack actually eats something.

(Thanks to David Winston)

LOOKING FOR A RAPID INCREASE IN DIAL TONE AND PERSONAL CHARM?

Place your bid.

(Thanks to Bonnie Fitch)

April 10, 2005

THE MASTERS

I spent part of the afternoon on the sofa watching the Masters Golf Tournament and Sacred Event with my daughter. It had everything you look for in a sporting contest: men walking; men squinting; and -- most exciting of all -- men putting. Just as I was dozing off, my daughter observed: "They miss the hole a LOT."

CRIME IN WAIKIKI

What kind of sick, twisted pervert would steal clams?

April 09, 2005

SOON TO BE EITHER A BAND OR A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

Deadly Tasmanian Frog Fungus

April 08, 2005

AH-HAH

Finally, a scientific explanation for this.

(Via Sploid)

CITIZEN'S ARRAYEST, CITIZEN'S ARRAYEST

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to use counterfeit mon... oh, wait.

Update: Now they're taking away our right to use smelly money.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

(Update: Thanks to Andrea Diamond, who points out "He should have laundered the money first.)

YOUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Quack

(Thanks to -- according to judi -- "everyone in the known universe")

YOU MAY CALL THEM PATHETIC GEEK NERD-O LOSERS

But this blog calls them people who are lining up for a movie seven weeks in advance at the wrong theater.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, West Coast correspondent and Field Coordinator for the Dave Barry for President in 2000 2004 2008 juggernaut)

TODAY'S EXAMPLE OF LYRICS FROM AN ERA (THE LATE SIXTIES) WHEN LYRICS REQUIRED NO THOUGHT WHATSOEVER

I'm so glad

I'm so glad

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad

I'm so glad

I'm so glad

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad

I'm so glad

I'm so glad

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad

I'm so glad

I'm so glad

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad

I'm so glad

I'm so glad

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad

I'm So Glad, by Cream, a truly glad band.

TODAY'S EXAMPLE OF LYRICS THAT COULD HAVE BENEFITED FROM A FEW MORE MINUTES OF EFFORT

Someone's knocking at the door

Somebody's ringing the bell

Someone's knocking at the door

Somebody's ringing the bell

Do me a favor, open the door and let 'em in

Let 'Em In, Sir Paul McCartney

BUBBA THE LOBSTER UPDATE

Turns out Bubba was a victim of the decline in health care.

MOVE OVER, TOTZILLA

A new item has been thrust into eBay.

TERORISTS HIT A NEW LOW

Now the bastards are using snakes.

(Thanks to pretty much everybody)

April 07, 2005

CONSUMER PRODUCT OF THE DAY

ChapStick

(Via Sploid)

TODAY'S EXAMPLE OF WHY SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD TAKE JUST ANOTHER MINUTE OR TWO TO WORK OUT THE LYRICS

Well, I love you, baby, and you ought to know
I like the way you wear your clothes
Everything about you is so doggone sweet
You got that sand all over your feet

"Honey Don't" by Carl Perkins

"You got that sand all over your feet"?

Update: Of course, the ultimate example is here:

"I am," I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

THEY THINK THIS IS NEW??

In Miami, we've been using this system for years.

(Thanks to Lynn Chealander)

TECHNOLOGY: HAS IT GONE TOO FAR?

Yes.

(Thanks to Hector Hidlago)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR (AND SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE)

Totzilla

(Thanks to ER)

Update: We are honored to have received a comment from Eric (see Comments section) who states that he is the actual seller of Totzilla:

Speaking as the seller of TOTZILLA, I can say this:

1. Holy crap, I never expected Dave to actually put the link on his blog. Now I'm at work and I can't get to eBay because of the web filter we've got here. The suspense is killing me!

2. One or two of you commenters needs to get a sense of humor. It's just a silly thing that I put up for laffs. I didn't think anybody but a few of my friends would actually see the auction. (But I really will sell it, of course. Assuming anybody has bid on it, which I can't find out yet! AIEEE!)

3. Anybody in the Los Angeles area is welcome to visit Totzilla and verify its existence in the, um, "flesh." Boy, was that a poor choice of words. But I'm going on vacation for a few days so you'll have to wait until next week (again, remember I never expected anybody to see the thing.)

4. Can I truly say that this is the largest Tater Tot in existence, having diligently done my research? Nope. But I guarantee it'll be the largest Tater Tot YOU'VE ever seen. (For most values of "you.")

This is why we believe the official slogan of the Internet should be: "Bringing People Together, Often For No Good Reason"

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

This is a NEW new low.

(Thanks to Robert Hinkley)

April 06, 2005

ROAD RAGE

Finally, somebody is doing something about drivers who drive in the left, or "passing," lane, despite the fact that they are not passing anybody, and, in some cases, have never passed anybody in their entire motoring lives. This is a good start, but it is only a start. Now we need to do something about drivers who are stopped in front of you at a red light and are stunned -- stunned -- when the light turns green, as if this is the LAST thing they expected a red light to do, so they have to sit there for 30 or 40 seconds absorbing the stunningness of it, and trying to figure out what the HECK they should do now.

Update: Some years ago I wrote a column about a Finnish police officer, Sgt. Markku Limingoja, who invented a car-mounted harpoon, or "carpoon," which would be perfect for enforcing traffic laws. I never saw any follow-up on this story. Now we need the carpoon more than ever. So Sgt. Limingoja, if you are reading this blog -- and you know you are -- please get in touch with judi immediately, especially if you are cute and unmarried. Thank you.

WHAT WE'RE NOT DOING TODAY

We're not going swimming.

Update: OK, something weird happened here. This item was originally a link to a story about the alarming decline in Scotland's adder population. So the first comments are about that. Somehow that item got replaced by this item. We will look into this and fire whoever is responsible, unless of course it is us.

UH-oh

Bad news for mice who (1) produce sperm and (2) use cell phones.

(Via Gizmodo)

EARLY FAVORITE FOR "BEST RODENT" OSCAR

Tim Burton trains 200 squirrels to crack nuts.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

April 05, 2005

GO, MR. SNAIL!!!

Blogging? TODAY?! Not freaking likely.

FORGET THE HUMVEE, GUYS

You need this.

(Via Gizmodo)

ROLE MODELING

So my daughter was telling my wife what was going on at preschool, and the big news was that one of my daughter's classmates, Ian, showed everybody that he could put his hand under his arm and make a farting noise. My daughter was deeply impressed by this. So my wife told her: "Daddy can do that." And my daugher, eyes wide, said: "He CAN?" So now I am a hero.

LOCUSTS

They're coming! To CBS! With Xena the Warrior Princess as Dr. Maddy Rierdon, and Captain B.J. Hunnicut of M*A*S*H as Chief Scientist. (He worked his way up the chain of command, starting as Brave Scientist.)

Key Quote: They're three times larger than normal locusts and they can reproduce at a rate ten times greater than normal locusts.

All we can say is: Yum.

April 04, 2005

24

OK, my in-depth plot review and analysis is going to be brief tonight, because I am actually watching college basketball very busy with an important work thing that I am doing. But in a nutshell I would say that Jack is in extreme danger that is also -- there is no other word for it -- immediate.

Also it goes without saying that the president is in danger.

Update: Chloe definitely has the hots for Edgar. But I would not want to see those two reproduce.

Update: Speaking of Chloe and Edgar, the Illinois coach is wearing the ugliest sportcoat in world history.

Update: Jack shot the fake FBI agent hot babe who didn't remotely resemble a real FBI agent but sure was hot.

Update: We think Vince Anderson is trying to steal a stealth fighter. This could put the president in even MORE danger.

Update: Something Bad just happened, and we DON'T KNOW WHAT! We're going to have to TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!!!!

Update: Felton is covering Williams again. That really surprises Billy Packer.

CRIMINALLY STUPID

Next on the agenda: getting beat up in prison for giving criminals a bad name.

(Thanks to Sondra Anderson)

WAY TOO EASY HEADLINE OF THE AFTERNOON

But we never claimed to have standards.

(Thanks to Theresa Hogue)

TROUBLING HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Seth Jayson)

JUST A THOUGHT

Why don't the Australians send their toads to these people?

 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise